A honk caused me to jump.
“Linnzi! Linnzi!”
Turning, I saw a white Toyota 4Runner pull up. I ducked down to look at the driver and screamed. “Saryn?!”
She jumped out of the SUV and ran over to me. We hugged and laughed, and a part of me felt like crying. Saryn was a memory. One I sort of remembered. I didn’t have a lot of memories of her, but I did have a few, and it was those that I would cling to.
When we pulled back from one another, Saryn cupped my face in her hands and slowly shook her head. “Are you home? For good?”
“Yes!” I said with a bubble of laughter mixed with a sob. “I’m home. After eight long years, I realized that it was time to stop running from my past. I need to find answers.”
She smiled and pulled me in again for a hug. “Come on, let’s get your stuff in the car.”
After we loaded my bags into the trunk, we both got into the SUV. “It’s chilly!” I said, rubbing my hands together.
Saryn laughed. “It’s been a freezing cold winter. I’m hoping March brings some warmer weather!”
“How are the kids?” I asked.
With a smile so big I nearly laughed, Saryn replied, “Liliana is five. She’s asking for her own horse.”
“A girl after my own heart. I haven’t been riding in years!”
“Well, we’ll have to fix that right away.”
I nodded.
“And Nolan is about to turn two. I can hardly believe it.”
My heart instantly felt like a bolt of lightning hit it. “Nolan?” It came out more surprised rather than a question.
Saryn’s smile slipped for a moment, and I noticed she clutched onto the steering wheel harder.
“That name is so familiar to me. Did you name him after someone?” I wasn’t sure why I had asked that question. It wasn’t like I hadn’t known her son’s name, but hearing her vocalize it shocked my senses.
Saryn seemed so nervous. “Yes. Um. You remember Nolan, from high school? Nolan Byers?”
When she looked at me, I swore she almost had a pleading look in her eyes.
I shook my head. “No. I don’t remember him, at least I don’t think I do. His name…well, it sounds familiar. High school and college and those few years after are still a blur for me. I started seeing a counselor in France a few years ago, and she thinks I’m mentally blocking that time out for some reason. She was the one who actually told me it was time to stop running from the past. It was time to piece together the missing years. I know she’s right, but something has been holding me back. Until now.”
“I’m glad you listened to her,” Saryn said as she reached for my hand and gave it a squeeze.
I knew I could simply ask Saryn. Blurt out to her, ‘What happened to me that led me to wake up in a hospital with a small chunk of my life missing?’ I looked at her now, ready to say those very words. I opened my mouth, then shut it. That wouldn’t be fair to her; my parents needed to be the ones to finally tell me.
“Me too,” I said instead. “So, tell me about this Nolan who sits so highly on a pedestal that you agreed to name your son after him!”
She grinned. “Well, he’s one of Truitt’s best friends. He’s a test pilot in the Air Force.”
Saryn glanced my way, almost waiting for my response.
I rubbed my hands together. It was a nervous habit I noticed I had picked up a few years ago. “Is he married?”
With a quick glance at me, she said, “No. He’s not.”
“Does he not have family here still if he’s in the Air Force?” I asked, not sure why I was suddenly so interested in this Nolan Byers.
“No, he doesn’t. He has a family ranch here that was his father’s, but his parents passed away in a car accident a number of years ago. He has some people who run it for him now. His daddy used to grow wheat and corn on it, but Nolan has pretty much turned it into a cattle ranch. He doesn’t come back to Boerne. Hardly ever. Too many bad memories.”
I glanced out the window. “Well, we have that in common, I guess.”
A memory, or at least what I thought was a memory, flashed through my mind. I was sitting on the back of an old truck as a plane flew overhead. A small plane, like a crop duster. I laughed in the memory and turned to watch as I waved at it like a silly girl.
“A crop duster.”
“What did you say?” Saryn asked.
I laughed and shook my head as I let out a confused laugh. “I just had a flashback, I guess. A memory, maybe. I was sitting on the back of an old truck and a crop duster plane flew over. I waved at the pilot, so I’m guessing I knew him.”
“Do you have flashbacks a lot, Linnzi?” she asked, her voice sounding oddly hopeful.
I shook my head, puzzled that I would have a memory so quickly. Could being back in Texas simply trigger them? It hadn’t the other few times I’d come for a visit. “No. I honestly haven’t had any. I’ve had a lot of dreams, though,” I said with a hint of mischief in my voice.
She looked at me and our eyes met. “Why are you blushing?” she asked.
“Well, they haven’t exactly been PG-rated dreams. I’ve had them for years now. The same guy, over and over again. I have this strong sense he’s the key to the missing parts of my memory. And I know in order to remember, I needed to come back home.”
“Clearly just setting foot on Texas soil is doing it. You definitely had a flashback.”
I turned and looked at her again. “Do you think it was an actual memory?”
Saryn chewed on her lip as if she was trying to decide if she wanted to answer me or not. “I know it was.”
“You know it was?” I asked.
She nodded. “I think you were thinking of Nolan.”
Instead of a jolt, this time I felt a tingle. The same tingle I felt the day I saw my mystery man at the café. “Nolan?” I was confused. “Were we friends?”
“Um, yes. You were most certainly friends.”
I nodded. “There was this guy once, in Paris. I saw him from the window of the museum I was working at. Lord, he was handsome.” I laughed, feeling sort of embarrassed. “My slightly naughty dreams always featured a man whose face I couldn’t see. But I had the strong sense that those dreams were actually memories. The couple times I asked my parents if I had been dating anyone before the accident, they changed the subject. It was so maddening—them ignoring the fact that I wanted answers—that I finally stopped asking. I figured there was a reason they kept it from me. Anyway,” I said with a chuckle. “I saw this man at the coffee shop, and something inside me came to life. It was so strange, Saryn. I actually grabbed my purse and ran out of the museum to follow him when I saw him get up from the table. Penny, my co-worker, thought I’d lost my mind.”
“Did you catch up with him?” Saryn asked with a smile in her voice.
A familiar feeling of sadness washed over me. “No. I followed him for a few blocks. He stopped at a flower cart, but he didn’t buy any. Well, that’s not true. I saw him give the girl money and he wrote something down on a card. And the craziest thing was, later that day, someone sent me flowers. There wasn’t a name, just a note saying to enjoy the sun that day.”
I pressed my fingers to my mouth to hold back the silly grin I knew I had on my face. “I swear he was the one who sent them.” I drew in a deep breath and pushed away the giddiness that had come over me. “Anyway, from that night on, he was the man in my dreams. It was his face I had put in my dreams. And Lord, did he do wicked things to me. Well, in my dreams, that is.”
“Linnzi! My goodness!”
We both laughed.
“You haven’t dated? At all?” she asked.
I chewed on my lip and turned to look at Saryn. She was stopped at a light, so when she faced me, I knew I had to tell her. Finally share my secrets with someone I had a history with. My logic had been insane, according to Penny. My counselor didn’t think it was insane at all. She believed deep down inside my conscience that I was still in love with someone
, but I couldn’t—or wouldn’t—remember who. I needed to know what Saryn thought.
“No. I don’t know how to explain this without sounding crazy. I think I’ve already given my heart to someone else. It just didn’t feel right to be with another man. Plus, I was married to my job, and I honestly wasn’t interested in dating anyone. The prospect of meeting someone and falling in love in France didn’t seem appealing to me either. I knew someday I’d be coming back to Texas, so that would only complicate an already complicated situation.”
Her eyes went wide. “So, you really haven’t dated anyone? In almost eight years?”
Saryn didn’t realize she had just given me a clue to my past. I must have been dating someone when I had the accident, or right before. “I know, it makes zero sense. A part of me has this idea that someone is out there, waiting for me to find him.”
Saryn reached over and took my hand in hers. Her eyes filled with excitement and hope. “I agree, a hundred percent.”
I smiled and squeezed her hand. “You’re so sweet to agree with me. My counselor thinks there was someone in my life from that missing timeframe. And the only way I can finally uncover that missing piece of my puzzle is to be where I was during that time. So, here I am, on a new journey to find answers. It’s been so many years of telling my folks I didn’t want to know, that now they actually avoid telling me anything when I do ask a simple question here or there. That’s why I knew it was time to come home.”
“You know, I could fill in…”
I lifted my hand. “No.” The word came out harsher than I wanted it to. “I know it seems so silly that I don’t want to talk about it, yet I say I want answers. I’m trying to work this out on my own. There is a reason my mind is blocking my memory, and I might not ever get it back. I know it must be hard to not say anything, so thank you for respecting my wishes all these years.”
She nodded, but her eyes had glassed over some.
The car behind us honked, and we both jumped and let out a little scream. The light was green, and Lord knows how long we had been sitting there.
As Saryn quickly accelerated onto the highway, she tossed me a quick, knowing look. “Oh, honey, I think you’re going to find him, sooner than you think.”
I placed my hand on my lower stomach to calm my nerves and whispered, “I hope so, Saryn, I really hope so.”
Nolan
One week earlier
MY PHONE BUZZED in my pocket, and I quickly pulled it out. “What do you want? I’m on vacation!” I shouted.
“Nolan? Where in the hell are you? What’s that noise?”
I laughed at the surprise in my best friend’s voice. “Truitt! I’m about to jump out of a helicopter.”
“On purpose? And what the hell are you doing taking my call then?”
“Yes, on purpose. And I figured it was important if you were calling me, bro.”
There was a moment of silence before he whisper-shouted, “Dude, are you on some secret mission?”
“No, I’m in Rio de Janeiro, jumping out for the hell of it. And I’m not a spy, dumbass. Don’t you know what I do for a living, man?”
Truitt sighed, or at least I thought he might have sighed. It was hard to hear him. Finally he said, “Because it’s not like your job is dangerous enough, now you’re jumping out of a helicopter.”
“What’s up? They’re waiting on us!” I yelled over the roar of the helicopter firing up.
“Right. Okay, so Nolan turns two next week and we’d love for you to be able to make it to the birthday party. After all, he is your godchild.”
“Next week?” I shouted.
“Yes, Saturday!” Truitt yelled back.
A part of me dreaded the idea of going anywhere near Boerne. But I also wanted to see Truitt and Saryn, as well as the kids.
“No promises, but I’ll be there if I can.”
Jack slammed my back and yelled, “Let’s go!” Then ran to the helicopter and jumped in.
“Listen, I’ve got to go.”
I could hear Truitt sigh. “Okay, call me later so I know you didn’t kill yourself, you lunatic.”
“Right! Kiss Saryn and the kids!”
After I hit End, I zipped my phone back up and headed to the helicopter and jumped in. It didn’t take us long to get to the altitude we needed to jump.
I looked over at Jack who held up three fingers to let me know we had three minutes until deployment. I nodded as a rush of adrenaline hit me and I forgot all about Boerne and the idea of heading back home and facing memories I’d worked so hard at forgetting.
Jack held up one finger to signal we had one minute as he started to make his way out of the helicopter. Pete, our other friend, looked at me and shook his head as I laughed. I was positive he was wondering how in the hell I had talked him into this. We both climbed down and stood on the edge of the landing skid. Then, Jack lifted his hand and gave me a thumbs up.
Pete looked like he was about to get sick. The three of us each had GoPros attached to our helmets. My pulse pounded, and I looked out at the blue sky dotted with white clouds. I needed this. Craved it. Fucking lived for it. This wasn’t anything new for me. I had jumped out of plenty of planes, but the helicopter was a new experience for me. Skydiving was a huge adrenaline rush, and I was addicted to anything that gave me a rush. Anything that made me forget my past.
We moved down, holding onto the landing skid with our hands. I heard Jack count down. “Five, four, three, two, go!”
I launched my body out. It felt so freeing. The rush of the freefall was unreal, yet at the same time, it was one of the most beautiful moments one could ever experience. Off to one side was the ocean, a sea of blue and green. On the other side, a view of Rio de Janeiro and the mountains took my breath away.
I would never get tired of this. And the more times I did it, the better it was. It never got old. A moment when I allowed myself, for only the briefest of times, to not be in control. Even if it did only last five minutes, it was five minutes where I didn’t have to think about anything else.
Five minutes later, we were back on the ground. Hands slapping and smiles on our face. With the exception of Pete. He never was one for jumping out of planes, and now he could add helicopter to the list of perfectly good modes of transportation he’d much rather stay seated in.
“I need a drink,” Pete said as he walked past us.
“Where are you going?” Jack called out, laughing. Pete simply raised his hand and shot us the finger.
Jack and I laughed as we followed him.
Two hours later, we sat down to eat at a restaurant called Marius Degustare, renowned for their Brazilian and Mediterranean cuisine.
“Because flying a fighter jet and causing it to go into a tailspin while you attempt to right it again isn’t fun enough for you two?” Pete asked as he downed another drink.
I shrugged as Jack shoved food into his mouth.
Pete pointed at me. “I get why you do it. At least, I think get why.” Then he pointed at Jack. “You, I have no idea.”
Jack smiled and winked at him.
My curiosity got the best of me. “Why do you think I do it, Pete?”
“Which part? The insane adventures you go on? Or your job?”
I shot him a half smile. “Both.”
Pete sat back and used his napkin to wipe his mouth. He regarded me with a serious look as he thought about what he was going to say. That was Pete, though. He wasn’t a pilot. He was a numbers, statistics, and data kind of guy. While we flew up in the planes, he was down on the ground taking our findings and making the planes safer. Faster. Better.
“The adventure part. You’re an adrenaline junkie. I think all fighter pilots are in a way. You couldn’t do what you did if you didn’t love it. As for your job?”
He stroked his chin, and Jack laughed and said, “Hell, we’re going to be here all night.”
I smiled and took a bite of my fish while I waited for Pete to finish.
“For some
reason, I don’t think you joined the Air Force with the dream of being a test pilot.”
“You don’t?” I asked with one raised brow.
He shook his head. “No. I don’t. A pilot, yes. Anyone can see your love of flying in the way you do it. You’ve been doing it for a lot of years.”
I nodded. “My father taught me.”
“I figured. I think there’s a deeper reasoning behind why you decided to be a test pilot, though.”
Jack froze next to me, and I forced myself to smile. “I think you use that brain of yours too much, Pete. I love my job and being able to make the planes safer for my fellow pilots is reason enough for me to do it.”
He returned my smile with one of his own. “Do I? Think too much? Maybe you’re right. But every time you go up there, you have a purpose beyond what we do. It’s as if you’re trying to make up for something or someone you wronged.”
I looked away.
“Pete…” Jack warned.
“I’m sorry, Nolan. If I overstepped…”
Focusing back on him, I shook my head. “Nah, you’re fine. No worries, dude.”
Pete stared at me as if he wasn’t sure what he should do or say.
I sighed and dropped my napkin on my plate. For some reason, I felt the need to tell him something about why I had changed course. “Being a test pilot wasn’t part of my original plan, no. I was involved in a plane accident that caused me to lose…”
Take Me Away Page 3