I would argue that networking events and apps like Tinder are successful because they dial in the scope of expected communication. When you go to a business networking event, it’s to meet other professionals and make connections. When you use Tinder, your purpose is usually to communicate romantic interests. Framing the context of your communication is one less variable you have to worry about.
However, those who are successful at framing the context themselves are able to achieve objectives that are outside the conventional context. This is why people can meet dates at networking events and land jobs through dating platforms.
Most people are neither aware of this fact nor interacting with other people who are open to possibilities outside of the conventional context. This is why communicating out of context poses a greater risk of failure.
Here are some ways that we frame the context in which we communicate:
· Type of communication – The number of speakers, their objectives
· Environment – The space in which communication is taking place
· Intensity – The energy or stress of the environment in which the communication is taking place
· Personality – The behavior and values of individual participants in communication
Type of Communication
We will dive deep in this in the next chapter, but for now understand that the number of speakers and their objectives will play a part in determining the context in which communication is shared. For example, a public speech on global warming and an open discussion on the same subject will be handled differently.
Environment
Why does environment have anything to do with how we communicate? Ask yourself these questions:
Would you have to project your voice differently if you were on stage in an auditorium speaking to a mass of people than if you were talking with a friend face-to-face in a coffee shop?
Would you speak to somebody differently in the middle of a nightclub than you would in your living room?
Are there times when you speak with your “inside voice” versus your “outside voice”?
The physical space you are in creates special contextual rules. I have noticed that most instruction on communication assumes a mild environment. You have probably heard that the best way to introduce yourself is to shake hands and exchange names. It would be shocking for a book to tell you, instead, to get so close to another person that you are touching and shout your name in their ear . . .
. . . until you take into account that this would be acceptable in the middle of a concert.
Environment changes the rules of communication.
Intensity
Back when I was in high school, one of my first jobs was in a restaurant. When the dinner rush hit, politeness between coworkers went out the window—we told each other loud and clear what to do, with no “pleases” or “thank yous.” It was nothing personal; there just wasn’t time for formalities or mistakes. Communication had to be crystal clear and efficient lest we mess up an order and set the whole kitchen back.
Flash forward—a short time after that, I was working in an office setting. I couldn’t imagine speaking to one of my peers like I had in the kitchen. The intensity in the office was not as high as it had been in food service.
The stress and importance of time in a situation will affect how well your communication is received. Often people with great ideas to share are swept to the side because they’re either too meek during high-intensity situations or too bossy during low-intensity situations.
Maintaining the perfect level of intensity is rarely natural for people. If you have trouble with being too commanding, passive, polite, or rude, learning to speak at different intensity levels to match any given situation will be invaluable to you as a leader and communicator.
Personality
The personality of those we communicate with will determine how we express our message. Various factors are in the realm of personality, including maturity, culture, and even an individual’s expertise in a given field of study.
There is a reason we didn’t get “the talk” until we were teenagers (thank goodness!).
We weren’t mature enough!
Our culture defines a set of communication rules that we naturally abide by. They may violate another’s cultural rules of communication, and this does not apply just to political borders. Think about how different generations prefer to communicate with one another—for example, with texts or face-to-face conversation!
Even expertise plays a huge role in how we communicate. Take two people with the same level of knowledge but in different fields. How much would a PhD in neuroscience know about Rococo? How much would a master painter know about the regions of the brain?
For a more relevant example, think back to your first day at a job or internship. Perhaps you became overwhelmed by the specialized jargon that many of the experienced employees used so cavalierly. If you were lucky enough to have coworkers help you catch on to the work, then perhaps you were lucky enough to find a more experienced coworker who could break down complex ideas and explain technical jargon to you, the new guy or gal.
Speaking consistently with the context and learning to frame the various factors that make up context in a way that favors your objectives will make your communication skills way more effective!
Chapter V: Types of Communication
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The final element of communication is the type of communication. This is a combination of the direction of communication and the objective of the participants.
Direction
Direction refers to how many people are engaging in conversation and its flow. Is it one person or group of people speaking to the masses? Is it a group of people speaking to each other? Is it a one-on-one conversation?
Objective
Objective refers to what the outcome desired by each participant in the communication is. Is it sharing information? Is it persuading somebody to a point of view? Is it negotiating a better price?
Combinations of the various directions and objectives possible in communication create a virtually infinite number of types of communication. When a public speaker tries to persuade the masses, we call it persuasion. When two people try to persuade each other, we call it debate. When the multitude of possible objectives of persuasion are analyzed, we find more granular objectives, such as the following:
· Manipulation – Getting people to do things for you.
· Voting – Politicians do this all the time. They try to persuade the public to look at things from their point of view to win the vote.
· Proof of innocence – Defending your innocence to protect your good name or avoid legal penalties.
· Seduction – Self-explanatory!
. . . and these are just a few of many reasons to persuade others.
Imagine how multifaceted the objective of persuasion can be. Now, multiply that by various types of other objectives, such as information and entertainment. It becomes easy to see that when it comes to the type of communication, the way we decide to communicate must be based on strategy rather than technique.
In short, the manner in which you write and speak cannot be put into neat little buckets. Think of it like this . . .
How we speak to others and address our communication objectives will vary greatly depending on who we’re talking to and what their objectives are. Consider the following example:
How do a public-school math teacher and a private math tutor approach presenting their curricula to their students?
The math teacher has to organize activities, structure classes, and communicate effectively to groups. The tutor has to prepare for face-to-face interaction and open dialogue with one person.
The math teacher has to teach and discipline to maintain order within the classroom.
The tutor may have to teach only a single student at a time.
Another example:
How do a CEO at a large company and a CEO at a start
up lead their teams differently?
The large-company CEO may have to deliver their message to masses of employees at once. The startup CEO may be able to speak in-depth with each employee and share the information learned with other employees in open discussion.
The large-company CEO may have to summarize technical data with understandable jargon so that the entire company can have a sense of the direction the business is going. The startup CEO may only have to act as a communication liaison between two or more technical people.
While many people say that the types of communication are finite, I argue the opposite. The types of communication that exist are infinite, and rather than setting different rules for different types of communication that are applicable only in specific circumstances, we need strategies and principles.
In essence, dividing the countless types of communication into neat little subcategories such as persuasive speech, intense interrogation, flirting, interviewing, negotiating, and simply catching up with an old friend will limit your understanding greatly! The objectives within each of these categories can become much more granular.
Think about how the other elements of communication can be combined to strategically address each type of communication you encounter.
For example:
Let’s look at Anderson Cooper versus Trevor Noah. Both communicate via television. Both are informative. However, you will notice that they talk about similar topics but combine elements in a different way.
Anderson Cooper adds complementary nonverbal cues to what he says verbally to present in a way that is more objective than Trevor Noah’s approach, which uses a suggestive style with elements of humor. Cooper’s target audience tends to be people over 35, while Noah’s target audience is millennials.
The direction is the same and their objective of being informative is the same. Yet when you drill down on the objective of being informative, you realize that Cooper is trying to inform through objectivity while Noah is trying to inform via entertainment.
Part II
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Eleven Strategic Conversation Frameworks
This Is Not a Script!
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You will notice as you read on that I have not provided you with prepackaged lines to pull out when the right situation presents itself.
As mentioned before, the paths down which a conversation can flow are far too numerous to measure and relying solely on canned phrases would make you a weak and robotic conversationalist.
The idea behind this book is twofold. Part one gave you the theory on what to keep an eye out for during conversation so you can develop a sensitivity to it over time. Part two introduces frameworks that can be applied to conversations no matter what the topic is or what path it goes down.
I designed these frameworks to be useful in as many everyday conversations as possible. They are not necessarily designed for negotiation, flirting, interviewing, or any specific type of communication, although mastering these frameworks will certainly play a part in helping you become a better negotiator, flirt, or interviewee. Instead they are a pragmatic baseline to help you view conversation in a new light.
The frameworks are for conversation, not all communication. They work best for discussion between two or a few people, as opposed to public speaking or communicating with the masses through television or radio. Like many things in this book, the latter deserve separate treatment. The purpose for introducing them in this book was to enhance your awareness of them.
Finally, as said before, due to the nature of writing and reading, these are frameworks that are centered around verbal communication. Nonverbal communication is not discussed as a framework here. Again, that topic deserves a book to itself.
Please check out www.galhad.com for books on these topics that are out now or will be coming out in the future!
Without further ado—let’s get to work!
Real Curiosity
SCF I
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Have you ever been engaged in a conversation with somebody but the only thing that runs through your mind is what should I say next?
Chances are that sounds familiar, since you’re reading this book.
I remember that when I first started trying to hone my skills as a conversationalist, the only thing that was on my mind was figuring out what to say next. I spent my time talking to people trying to anticipate what I needed to say to keep the conversation going. Yet conversations rarely went down the path I had prepared for. I was left speechless and scrambling mentally to find the next “right thing” to say.
The prepackaged lines that I picked up from articles, how-tos, and other sources were rarely useful.
No matter how many canned lines I had in my back pocket, I would never have the “perfect” thing to say due to the seemingly unpredictable nature of conversation. Through this realization, I began to discover that all the prepackaged lines I had learned were fundamentally flawed for this reason:
Conversation isn’t about trying to predict the future—it is about responding to the present moment.
This led me to the conclusion that thinking what should I say next is also fundamentally flawed. When it comes to conversation, believing you can accurately predict what will happen next is an incredibly unrealistic expectation. Switching to the mindset of responding to the present moment raised a much better question.
“What do I hear now?”
This is where SCF I – Real Curiosity excels.
When I began switching my focus from what do I say next to what do I hear now, I realized that the people I was conversing with were handing me every conversational topic I could ask for on a silver platter! Even better than having an infinite number of conversational topics to draw from was this:
I actually learned incredible things from the people I spoke to.
From crazy hobbies to iron-clad opinion to personal stories, the wealth of knowledge and experience that each person harbored began to unfold at an unprecedented rate! I learned to become genuinely curious about other people no matter what the topic was.
What also made me love this SCF was that it required no speaking on my part! For a naturally shy person, becoming a better conversationalist without having to say a word was extremely attractive!
SCF I – Real Curiosity is the foundation for the other SCFs we will discuss. Take it to heart and it will take you far!
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Description
Mindset that focuses on ingesting and interpreting information from the speaker.
Benefits
1. Obtain potential topics of conversation.
2. Service mindset – Many people who are not good conversationalists refrain from speaking to people because they feel that when they do, they are “dis–servicing” the other person (e.g., making them feel awkward, exposing them to uncomfortable conversation, wasting their time). Real curiosity means that you are genuinely interested in what the other person says. You are dedicating your time to learn more about them. By doing so, you are “servicing” them by giving them a genuine ear and empathy, which require no speaking skill. In short, being interested in another person can enhance your speaking, but is not dependent on it.
When to Use
Anytime during a conversation but especially when you are looking for things to say.
How to Use
Have you heard the adage “listen to understand, not to respond”? A good strategy is to gamify this SCF by seeing how many different things you can learn from what your conversation partners are saying.
Sample Script
*While standing in line at a coffee shop you strike up a conversation with the person behind you*
You: I’ve never been here before – what’s your recommendation?
Friend: Um, let me think . . . I usually don’t have a preference. As long as it has espresso in it. (SCF1.1)
You: Caffeine kick? I guess you work a lot?
Friend: Yeah, I go to art school. Long hour
s of painting naked people.
You: That can’t be all of it!
Friend: No, haha. But we have to study anatomy among other things. Painting people covers a lot of fundamentals. Color, light, proportion—everything. And considering I really want to illustrate comic books after school, being good at painting people is pretty important. (SCF1.2)
Commentary and Tips
SCF1.1. A great way to encourage the other speaker to continue the topic and let them know that you are listening is to paraphrase what they said.
SCF1.2. This part is full of different topics to talk about—art fundamentals, color, light, proportion, and that your friend wants to illustrate comic books.
Challenge
Easy – Do this exercise with a friend or family member and learn three things.
Medium – Do this exercise with a friend or family member and learn five things.
Hard – Do this exercise with a friend or family member and learn seven things.
Interest/Agreement Openers
SCF II
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Let’s be real for a second.
We are all suckers for compliments. Compliments are one of the most powerful tools we have to make other people feel valued and useful!
Unfortunately for people who are on the shy side, giving compliments out of the blue may seem a little bit awkward. I can certainly attest to this.
Let’s take a journey back in time to when I was a teenager. I remember sitting in the student lounge in my community college doing my homework when a woman my age brought in a box containing the Dance Dance Revolution video game, a couple of Dance Dance Revolution mats, a game console, and the wires that went with the game.
Communications Crash Course Page 3