Craving Trix

by Nicole Jacquelyn

  I glanced across the field to Dragon and Brenna’s place and took a deep breath. I knew Trix was there. She wouldn’t have left the property without someone coming to tell me.

  I started walking, but took my time making my way over to the small house that seemed so out of place in the large field next to the garage. Maybe I’d take Trix out on the bike. We hadn’t had a minute to ourselves in a long ass time, and I thought she might like riding up to our old swimming hole and spending the day. We had to get shit worked out. The distance between us was fucking killing me.

  I wanted to touch her. Fuck, it felt like years since the last time I’d been inside her—and even that memory was tainted. She’d been so desperate when she woke up from a dream that I’d got both of us off in record time so she could fall back asleep again. I hadn’t realized that it would be the last time she’d reach for me, instead staying awake for as long as she could, so the nightmares wouldn’t come.

  The sexual frustration was a killer, but even worse than that was her complete personality change since she’d found out she was pregnant. She wasn’t herself in any sense of the word. The opinionated woman I loved had become a fucking shadow. Barely speaking. Barely existing.

  I finally reached the front porch of the house, and knocked on the screen door before letting myself in. Leo was sitting on the couch. He’d practically taken up residence in that exact spot since the attack.

  “Hey, Trix around?” I asked him.

  “Yeah, man. Think she’s in the kitchen.”

  “Thanks.” I walked toward the back of the house and found Trix eating a bowl of cereal as she stood at the counter.

  Jesus.

  She looked like my Trix again. She’d showered and the long black hair that I loved was wet and slicked back from her face. Her eyes weren’t shadowed, and the dark circles that had seemed like they would never leave had faded quite a bit.

  “Hey, Sweetbea,” I said, announcing my presence.

  Her head snapped up at my voice, and her eyes grew round in shock.

  “What are you doing here?” she asked, taking a step back along the counter.

  “What?” I watched in confusion as she set her bowl down and moved even further away from me.

  “I thought—”

  “What’re you doing?” I cut her off as she took another step away from me.

  “Cam,” her voice was soft as her expression shuttered.

  “Cam,” Dragon’s voice boomed as he came up behind me. “Need to have a word.”

  I glanced behind me at Dragon’s expressionless face, then spun toward Trix again. “The fuck did you do, Bellatrix?” I asked, watching her face fall. “You fuckin’ kiddin’ me right now?”

  “Cam,” Dragon snapped, laying his hand on my shoulder. I shrugged him off and took a step forward, watching Trix in disbelief.

  “I’m going to move back in with my parents for a while,” she said softly, tucking her thumbs into her palms as she fisted her hands.

  “No.” My voice was resolute. She was out of her fucking mind if she thought she was going to run home to her parents because we were having a hard time. This was such bullshit.

  “Hulk,” Dragon called, authority ringing in his voice. It wasn’t the voice of her father, it was the voice of my president.

  “You fuckin’ bitch,” I whispered, shaking my head as the full significance of her words became clear. “You want out? Makin’ your daddy step in because you can’t even fuckin’ tell me that you’re gonna leave?”

  Trix’s lips trembled, and I hated that a part of me wanted to soothe her. She was so fucking fragile. She looked like one well-placed blow could completely end her.

  “Hulk,” Dragon called again in warning.

  I raised my hands in the air, and took one step back. Then I spoke again.

  “You want out? Fine. I’m so fuckin’ done with your bullshit. So fucking done.” I ran my hands over my head in disbelief. God, I’d been so happy to see her looking better. So glad that she seemed to be coming out of whatever the fuck was eating at her. I was such a goddamn idiot. “I wanna see my kid when it’s born.”

  Trix nodded and inhaled a shaky breath.

  “Fuck you,” I whispered. Then I turned and walked completely out of the house.

  “Hulk!” Dragon called again when I was halfway down their front porch steps.

  “What?” I snapped, turning to face him. “I’m fuckin’ gone, all right? You need somethin’ else?”

  “Who you think you’re talkin’ to?” Dragon growled, following me down the stairs.

  “Jesus Christ,” I hissed, shaking my head.

  “She’ll figure her shit out, boy. She just needs some time.” His voice was once again mellow, almost friendly.

  I laughed. I couldn’t help it. I laughed so hard that it made my stomach roll with nausea from the Jack that was still sloshing around in there.

  “She can have all the time she wants,” I finally said, meeting Dragon’s eyes. “I’m done.”

  “Cameron—”

  I raised my hand for him to stop. I didn’t want to hear it.

  “Done,” I said again.

  I turned and walked away, through the field of tall grass and beyond the gravel in the forecourt to my bike parked on the pavement in front of the garage. I needed to get the fuck out of there.

  Chapter 22

  Trix

  “I love you,” my mom said a few days after my pop had escorted Cam out of the house. “But what you did was so fucking wrong, I don’t even know what to say to you.”

  My mouth dropped open in surprise and I glanced over at my nan, who was calmly sipping her tea. We were having a “girl’s lunch” before my first appointment that afternoon with my obstetrician. Mom had gotten the name of Farrah’s doctor and had called for me the day before, making an appointment before she’d even informed me.

  It was probably good that she’d taken the initiative, because I was still putting off anything and everything to do with the baby. I hadn’t had a nightmare since I’d moved back into my parents’ house, and I was afraid they’d come back if I thought of anything beyond eating and sleeping.

  “Ouch,” I finally murmured in disbelief.

  “Truth hurts,” Nan mumbled, looking at me over her mug.

  “Seriously? Because I didn’t want to be with Cam, I’m the bad guy?”

  “Don’t act like an idiot—you’ve never been stupid,” my mom snapped. “You used your pop. Asked him to do your dirty work, because you knew he would, because you knew he’d do anything for you. You know the trust and respect that those men have to have for each other? Huh? When shit goes down, they have to be able to count on each other, Trix, and you shit all over that. Embarrassed Cam and ruined his relationship with your pop.”

  “Whatever.” I pushed myself to my feet.

  “Sit back down,” Nan ordered, her tone making me drop right back into my seat.

  The table went quiet for a long moment before my mom finally spoke up. “I’m not sure what’s going on with you, Trix. Honest to God, I have no idea what’s going through your head. But if you try to tell me one more time that you don’t want to be with Cam, I won’t be held responsible for my actions.” She looked at me expectantly, but I didn’t say a word.

  I missed Cam like crazy. God, that first day when he’d stormed out of the house, I’d felt like I was dying. I’d curled up on the couch with Leo, and even though his disapproval was clear, he’d still pulled me into his side as we watched shitty television. I ached for Cam, but the thought of going back was too scary to fully contemplate. I was safe with my parents.

  “What’s really going on, Trix?” Nan asked softly.

  “I can’t—” I stuttered to a stop and tried again. “What if—”

  “What, Trix?” my mom asked in exasperation. “Spit it out.”

  “What if he hurts me?” I said in one breath. “What if I stay and have the baby and then I’m stuck. What if I never get a job, and I have no
way to support us? I’d never be able to leave. I’d be a single mother with no job and I—”

  “That’s your worry?” Nan asked in confusion. “Has Cam ever hurt you?”

  “No!” The word came out louder than I’d intended. “No, but he could. He could, and by then I’d have a baby and I wouldn’t be able to leave. You should’ve seen him when I—” My voice began to grow thick and I swallowed hard against the lump in my throat.

  “What complete bullshit,” Nan mumbled, shaking her head.

  “You don’t know!” I snapped, jerking to my feet. “You have no idea what—”

  “No, but I do,” my mom cut in softly.

  I turned and met my mom’s gaze and my heart sank into my stomach at the sorrow there.

  “Sit back down, baby,” she said, leaning toward me.

  As soon as my ass hit the chair, she sighed and ran her hands over her face.

  “I want to apologize to you,” Mom said, her voice wobbling as tears filled her eyes. “First, that I didn’t get away before I did, and second, because I thought you’d forgotten it all, so I haven’t talked to you about it.”

  “Don’t cry, Mom,” I pleaded, her tears bringing forth my own. “You did the best you could. You didn’t know—”

  “I did,” she cut me off, squeezing her eyes tightly closed as she shook her head. “I had that gut feeling, you know? I had it from the first. But I was so fucking stubborn back then, Trix. So sure that I was doing the right thing.”

  “I think we were all like that when we were young,” Nan told my mom kindly, reaching out to pat her hand.

  Mom scoffed, and wiped at her face. “I knew something wasn’t right, but it wasn’t until after we were married that I saw Tony clearly. But Trix, I knew something wasn’t right, baby. Okay? I knew it. Deep in my gut, I knew I was making the wrong decision, and I made it anyway.”

  “You said it yourself,” I replied hoarsely. “You didn’t see things clearly until after you were married.”

  Mom sighed. “This is coming out all wrong.”

  “Oh, I don’t know. Sounds right to me,” Nan put in dryly.

  “I didn’t love Tony. I was scared and pregnant and he offered me a way out. I knew it was weird that he was okay with marrying me, even knowing that I didn’t love him and I was already pregnant with another man’s children, but I let the idea of him speak louder than my common sense.”

  “I didn’t remember him before,” I said when my mom paused. “But I remember it now.”

  “I’m so sorry, Trix,” Mom rasped. “I knew I should get away from him, but I thought if I could just wait a little longer for you to go to school it—you know what? It doesn’t matter. My reasons were ridiculous, and I’ve hated myself for them for years.”

  “I can’t take the chance of that,” I whispered, looking down at the table in front of me.

  “What if Cam died tomorrow? What if the club got raided?” Nan paused to knock on the wood kitchen table. “What if you fell out of love with Cam? What if you weren’t actually pregnant? What if the goddamn sky was falling? You can’t live your life on what-ifs, Trix.”

  “I can’t live my life regretting my decisions, either,” I snapped back.

  Nan scoffed. “You think you won’t regret this decision? You love him. You’ve loved Cam since you were five years old!” Her voice dropped and went hoarse. “I used to lie in bed at night when Nix was a kid, wishing like hell that Patrick was lying next to me. I wanted to tell him about the trouble Nix had gotten himself into—to listen to Patrick’s voice telling me that we’d figure it out. Every time something great happened, from a successful season of Little League to the day Nix lost his first tooth, I’d mourn the fact that I couldn’t tell Patrick.”

  I closed my eyes at the pain in her voice. I wanted that, too. I wanted to be able to roll over and tell Cam that it was his turn to wake up with the baby, or that our little one had done something fantastic that day. But what if he didn’t care? What if, for some reason, he started to hate me? What then?

  “I can’t,” I said as I opened my eyes. “I haven’t had nightmares since I came home. I’m getting better.”

  Nan scoffed as my mom looked at me sadly.

  “Just because your body was so worn down that you’ve slept without nightmares for a couple nights, doesn’t mean they’re gone,” Nan said flatly, meeting my eyes. “I still have nightmares from something that happened when I was younger than you. Those don’t just go away, Trix.”

  “I just want to feel like myself again,” I yelled, jumping up from the table. “I feel normal when I’m here!”

  “Oh, baloney,” my mom argued, rising to her feet so we were face to face again. “You’re not yourself! You can’t be—not after all that’s happened. Hell, Trix. I don’t know that any of us will ever be the same. Add your hormones to that, and right now you’re teetering on the ledge of a very high cliff.”

  “But what if—”

  “No,” Mom snapped, cutting me off. “No more ‘what-ifs.’ Do you love Cam?”

  I closed my eyes and braced my hands on the table in front of me. I did. I loved him more than anything in the world. I was just so scared.

  “Yes,” I finally rasped.

  “He’s a good man, Bellatrix.” Mom’s voice was low and serious. “I know that you’re afraid. I even understand it, baby. But you’re throwing away something good—really good. And for what? Fear? I didn’t raise you to be a coward.”

  I lifted my hands and buried my face in my palms as the first sob was torn from my throat, and once I’d started crying, I couldn’t stop. I curled forward as I sucked in a desperate breath of air, and my body sagged as my mom’s thin arms wrapped around my frame.

  “I don’t know what to do,” I cried. “I messed up so bad, Mama.”

  “It’ll be okay, baby. Shhh,” she soothed.

  “What if he doesn’t forgive me? I’m so scared. What if everything’s different now? What if he turns into a monster?”

  “If any of that was going to happen, you wouldn’t have already loved him for so long,” Nan said, standing up to swipe a hand down the back of my hair. “But right now, you need to get it together, because we were supposed to leave for your doctor’s appointment ten minutes ago.”

  “Shit!” Mom yelped, pulling away from me and hastily wiping her face with her hands.

  * * *

  “Shall we take a look?” the ultrasound tech asked, lubing up a huge dildo-looking thing.

  My eyes widened and my mom giggled behind my head.

  “This isn’t funny,” I growled, glancing over to where Nan was sitting in a chair.

  “Oh, yeah it is,” Nan mumbled.

  After a few very uncomfortable minutes, suddenly the coolest sound poured into the room.

  “Is that the heartbeat?” I asked in wonder. It sounded different than I’d thought it would.

  “Hold on one second,” the tech replied, a look of concentration on her face. She laughed a little under her breath, and then the recognizable sound of a heartbeat reached my ears. “There you go.”

  Then she moved the wand, making me extremely uncomfortable. “And there you go again.”

  It took me about thirty seconds for her words to penetrate.

  “What?” I snapped, trying to look closer at the little screen near the foot of the bed.

  “There’s Baby A,” she used the mouse on her computer to point at one little flashing blob. “And there’s Baby B.” She moved just a fraction and pointed out a second blob.

  “Holy shit,” I murmured, staring at the screen. “Two.”

  “Twins,” my mom said, squeezing my shoulders as Nan stood up from her chair and crossed the room to get a better look.

  “Two for the price of one,” Nan murmured, leaning forward over my chest so she could look at the computer screen. “Well, you’ve never done shit halfway.”

  I laughed a little, my eyes glued to the screen. I couldn’t believe there were two of them in there.
Cam was going to shit.

  My eyes clouded with tears.

  He should have been there.

  “I wish Cam was here,” I whispered, making my mom squeeze my shoulders again.

  The rest of the appointment passed in a blur, and before I knew it, I was in the back seat of my mom’s SUV and pulling inside the clubhouse gates. We’d stopped by the pharmacy to get some prenatal vitamins and my prescription for medicine to help me sleep. I hadn’t wanted to say anything to the doctor, but my mom had spoken up when he’d asked me if I had any other concerns. The doctor said the sleep medicine was pretty mild and wouldn’t hurt the babies, but I was skeptical.

  I wasn’t putting anything in my body that I didn’t have to. If I started having trouble again, I’d think about the medicine, but until then, I wasn’t taking anything.

  The doctor had also said that she’d get me a referral to a psychologist she’d worked in tandem with before. I wasn’t sure if that was the route to go, but I was grateful that I had options.

  Nan had mentioned maybe going with her to yoga—she said that helped her when the memories got really bad. I wasn’t sure how that could possibly help, but I was willing to try. If nothing else, maybe it would wear me out enough to sleep.

  We pulled up to the house and climbed out of the car just as Leo was coming down the steps. His face was already looking so much better than it had a week before.

  “Hey, Bubby. Where you going?” I asked, moving toward him.

  “Club.” He lifted his chin toward the clubhouse. “Big party tonight.”

  “Really?” I asked skeptically, glancing sideways at the big gray building. “For what?”

  “Think they’re letting Callie out tomorrow, so the boys are celebrating.”

  “Oh.” I wondered if Cam would be there, then shook my head. He would be, of course he would be. “Do you want to see the ultrasound picture first?” I asked, digging into my purse.

  “Sure.”

  I passed the photos to Leo and watched as he shuffled through them, his face blank. I knew that he couldn’t tell what the hell he was looking at and I forced myself not to chuckle as he finally reached the last picture and his eyes got huge.