by Emilia Finn
“I changed my mind, dick. I’m ready to roll ag--”
My words are cut off and I spin at the sound of Evie’s guttural, painful scream. Already running toward the group, I fight the urge to grab the pile of kids and throw them across the room. It’s an all on stack of children, and Evie seems to be at the bottom.
Jim and Jack help me move them all, they’re a tangled mess of cartwheeled legs, and I grab Evie and drag her against my chest.
She’s choking on her sobs, her tears streaming down her face and her hiccups wracking her tiny frame.
“Smalls. What happened baby?”
She needn’t answer though, because I almost vomit when I notice her right arm is limp and bent at an impossible angle.
“Fuck, Smalls. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Hurts,” she chokes, her whole body wracking with pain. “Hurts, Biggie. Ow. Owwww. Hurts.”
“Let’s go.” I spin again, leaving my brothers to clean up the other kids. “We gotta go to the ER. Jack! Run and grab my wallet and shit. Now.”
“Yep.” He sprints out of the room and I run Evie through the gym and out the front doors.
“Hurts. Hurts, Biggie. Ow.”
“I know, baby. I’m so sorry. We’ll go to the doctor. He’ll make it all better. I promise. You’ll be better soon.”
“Evie?” I stop on the spot when Tina jumps out of my truck. Her face turns ghost white as she sprints for us.
“Peaches. I’m sorry.”
“What happened?” She takes Evie from my arms, seething with anger then guilt coats her features when Evie cries out again at being jostled.
“Get in the car, Tina. Get her in. We’re going to the ER.”
“Aido.” Jack comes running out the doors, flinging Tina’s car keys and my wallet and phone. He also has my shoes, which I throw in the backseat. As soon as Tina has the back door closed, I jump in and start the car.
Twenty
Tina
It’s not Humerus
I feel sick. Totally, disgustingly, green with nausea sick.
“I need you to fill out these forms, please.” The lady behind the Perspex covered desk sneers at us, as though she knows I have no insurance. She knows I’m a fraud, and I’m just about to be found out.
I have no insurance. Jesus, my daughter doesn’t even have a name we can give them. Katelyn Frankston has paperwork and insurance. But Evelyn Cooper does not.
“I’ll fill them out.” Aiden takes her proffered pen and starts writing on the forms.
What the hell am I going to do? As soon as he gives either name, I’m fucked. And butterfly stitches aren’t going to fix this.
“We’ll send you through for x-rays in a moment,” she speaks over Evie’s miserable sobs. I’m trying hard, so damn hard not to jostle her. I know she’s in pain. I don’t know what to do. “Please provide all insurance information here,” she points with her pen. “Then sign here, and here and one more, here.”
I don’t have insu--
“We’re paying cash,” Aiden interrupts my thoughts and my heart rate spikes. I don’t have that much cash, dammit.
Is this it for us then? Choose between Sean finding us, which isn’t a choice at all, or let the debt collectors come looking. We’ll have to move again. This is the end.
Evie and I were doing so well. I didn’t have a bunch of spare cash, but I didn’t have to ration the peanut butter anymore either. But a visit like this will cost thousands. Thousands I can’t afford.
“Please just show me your identification,” – Fuck. Me. I don’t have legitimate identification either – “write her details here. Her date of birth, any allergies, then we can go back.”
“Aiden, I don’t--”
“I gotcha, Peaches.”
I watch as he continues filling out the papers, then he writes Evelyn Kincaid and I almost vomit everywhere. “What date in September?”
How the hell do I get out of this? What am I going to do? I wonder how long we have until the creditors come looking? A week? Two?
“Tina?” he murmurs, quietly so the clerk doesn’t hear. “Babe, September what?”
Vomit. Everywhere. “Seventh.”
“Gotcha.
He continues writing then I watch as he takes a credit card from his wallet and copies the digits onto the paperwork.
“Alright, Mr. and Mrs. Kincaid, walk to the far door on the left. Press and hold the green button then I’ll let you in. Pull the doors, then I’ll have a tech waiting to take you back for a workup then x-rays.”
“But--”
“Let’s go, Peaches. Watch your step. Let’s get this done so they can give her some pain relief.”
“Biggie.” Evie cries in my arms, her left arm reaching out for him while her right hangs limp. My poor sweet baby. “I want Biggie.”
“Stay with your Mama, baby, or you’ll hurt your arm more.” Aiden secures his arm over my shoulder, then his spare hand comes down to my hip, steering me and keeping me from tripping, since I can’t see my feet. My heart continues beating against my chest, not because he’s holding me, but because… money. Or Sean.
“You must be Evelyn.” A doctor walks toward us, then falling into step he leads us through a labyrinth of hallways, the way so convoluted I’m not sure I’ll ever find my way out again. “I’ll get you some pain relief, then we’ll step in for x-rays. Do you think she’ll sit still in there alone, or do one of you want to put the protective gear on and sit with her?”
“I’ll go in with her,” I tell him, interrupting Aiden when he goes to speak. He squeezes my shoulder again, holding my shaking body solidly against his side.
“Fine with me.” The doctor leads us to a small room and Aiden helps me sit on the paper covered bed. “Take a seat and I’ll be back in a short minute. I’ll have some pain relief brought in right away. How you feeling, Evelyn?”
“I Evie.” Her sobs are tapering off, now she’s slumping into my body, exhausted, but she rallies to correct the man on her name.
God. I don’t even know how we can move and give her a new name. As far as she knows, she is Evie.
“Your name is Evie?”
She doesn’t answer verbally, just nods her head against my chest, tucking in close and hiccupping against my shirt.
“Alright Evie, I’ll make you feel all better soon, okay?”
She nods again and he gives me a small smile before turning away.
A few minutes later a lady comes in with codeine and more forms; permission to give it to her.
The lies are compounding and I feel sick.
Ten minutes after that, the original doctor comes back to collect us and we head down a hundred new corridors and to the x-ray room.
Aiden carefully takes Evie from me so I can don a protective vest, as a barrier for the electromagnetic rays, while he put’s Evie’s on her, and her poor sweet limp arm stays bare.
“She’s fractured the large bone in the top of her arm,” the doctor explains an hour later as we sit in the original office we were shown to and he points to her scans with his pen. “The humurus. It’s the largest bone in our arm, the single…”
I already know this. It’s the exact same bone Sean broke when she was smaller. In the exact same spot. She re-broke the same weakened bone.
“… we’ll need a full arm cast, but thankfully it appears like it will be easy enough to reset. No surgery necessary. We’ll get all this sorted this afternoon then you’ll need to see me again in three weeks…”
~*~
We’re driving home from the hospital, it’s closing in on nine thirty p.m. Way past Evie’s bedtime, but she hasn’t even had dinner yet. Just pretzels from a vending machine and strawberry milk.
Despite her sore arm, she’s in heaven.
Me? Not so much.
“What the hell happened, Aiden?”
I don’t want to be mad at him, but I am anyway. I know he would never let her hurt on purpose, but my stomach, and the anxiety and anger roiling around inside won’
t let me move past it.
I leave her with him one time, and I come back to her wailing in his arms, to find her with a broken bone.
I’m not even sure if I’m just mad that it’s the same bone as before. Is it because it brought back painful memories, or is it my own failings as a mom, because at least he noticed right away and was heading to the emergency room? It took me two days to figure the same thing out last time.
Then there’s the fact he lied on official forms. He signed her as his, gave her his name, knowing he’d pay instead of letting it go through insurance that doesn’t exist.
Am I mad because not only did he notice right away and dealt with it, but he could also afford the care? Am I simply a bitter bitch, because he’s better at this than I am?
Since day one, when I considered aborting my baby because I didn’t want to have Sean’s child, through the abusive home, the first broken bone, to living in squalor and eating far too much ramen and peanut butter sandwiches.
Maybe I’m just a terrible person. A terrible mom. I should be happy she was helped immediately. That he could afford her medical bills.
Maybe I’m just a proud asshole who has a bruised ego because now I owe him several thousand dollars. I’m reliant on a man. Again.
“How did she get hurt?”
“She was just playing with the other kids, Peaches. I was right there. Jack and Jim too. They were doing cartwheels. She just got squashed in the pile on. She’s the smallest and they were horsing around. It was an accident. I swear.”
Am I mad at him? Or me?
“Peaches, I swear. It was an accident. I’m sorry it happened. I was watching her. She wasn’t climbing or anything dumb. They were just horsing around. I’m sor--”
I nod my head softly. “It’s okay.”
“No,” he argues immediately. He sucks in a deep breath through his nose. “You’re doing that thing that girls do. Being all quiet and shit, telling me it’s okay, but it’s not. Don’t do this to us. I’m not an irresponsible person. It was just an accident.”
“Aiden, it’s fine.”
“Don’t lie to me, Tina!” Aiden booms in the otherwise quiet car. “I love her, and I’m sorry she got hurt. It’s not because I was being lazy. I was right there!”
“Stop, please.”
“No! You stop,” he snaps again. “I’m gonna wake up to you both gone tomorrow, skipped town and I’ll never find you again, because you’re spooked. You’re spooked and your next instinct will be to run. Don’t you dare,” he seethes. “Don’t you dare disappear on me. On my family. Don’t take her away from me. And don’t you dare take yourself away.”
“Are you dating me for access to her?” I’m such a fucking idiot. And I’m in self-destruct mode. “Because you don’t have to. I’m not dating Bobby, or Jim or the others, and they still get to see her.”
“Are you fucking stupid?”
“No.” Yes. “And that was a mean thing to say.”
“It was also a mean thing to accuse me of using you to get to her. You just said it yourself; the others see her too. So maybe I’m seeing you for you, and then Smalls is separate.”
“But she and I aren’t separate for you. You told me that the first day at Kit’s house, you said you hoped I wouldn’t hold it against you, because you didn’t want me to keep her from you.”
“So I’m being punished for loving her?” he seethes. “For a chick with your life experience, you’d think you’d be happy that she’s loved, but instead you’ll argue with me and what, try and talk me out of it? Does that make it easier for you to skip town?”
“I never said I was leaving town--”
“Look me in the damn eyes and tell me you haven’t considered it tonight. Look me in the eye and tell me you’re not pissed, because you’re proud as fuck and can’t stand that I paid a few dollars to fix her arm. Hint, Tina,” he spits my name and I flinch at the venom in his voice. I prefer the non term of endearment, Peaches, now. Tina sounds so mean crossing his lips when it’s not when we’re making love. “I’ll give you a hint, smart stuff, you’re clasping your hands together already. So you’re either already lying out loud, or at the very least, you’re thinking it. Don’t you lie to me. I know every time you do anyway, and I deserve more respect than that.”
He’s right. Of course he is.
“I’m a terrible mom--”
He scoffs and shakes his head. “That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard you say.”
“No, Aiden, it’s the truth. When I found her hurt tonight, yeah I worried about her. Of course I did. But I also mentally catalogued my other options, home remedies to help her, because I can’t afford what you paid tonight, and giving her real name isn’t an option.”
“No, giving her real name wasn’t an option, which is why I paid cash. And thinking about your next month’s rent doesn’t make you a bad mom. It makes you a mom who’s had to worry about a lot of shit for a long time. A mom who’s had to shoulder the entire burden for too long. It doesn’t make you a bad mom to think through all the practicalities. Even if she wasn’t with me and it still happened, you still would have taken her to the ER, because that’s what you needed to do. Cost be damned, she’s still be here, with a crazy pink cast covering her arm. It just means you would have had more stress in trying to figure out how to pay for it. She was on my watch, so her medical bills are my problem.”
“Yeah, but you don’t even care about money. You have more than god.”
“Yeah, so fucking what? We worked damn hard for it. We’ve bled on those mats. We’ve worked around the clock. We’ve sweated, and mended cuts and bones, and don’t believe a single one of the guys if they say they never cried, even just once. We worked hard for it, just like you work hard. Why does that make my money unworthy?”
“Because it’s not your responsibility to pay for me. Or for Evie!”
“That’s bullshit.” His fist comes down on the steering wheel and I jump. “The day I started loving you, you became my responsibility.”
“No we’re not, we’re--”
Love?
“Goddamit!” he spits, pulling up at the gates, keying in the code then driving through. “Goddamit Tina.”
He pulls into his drive, pissed as hell. Way more pissed than I’ve ever seen him before, even more than that time he thought I was a psycho stalker girlfriend.
He whips his seatbelt off then walks to Evie’s door. Amazingly, she’s asleep. Conked out, despite all the drama and mean words flying around. I should wake her and feed her dinner, but she’s exhausted.
“Come on, Smalls.” He picks her up, ever so gently from her car seat and rests her against his chest. A total contradiction to his feral mood. “Biggie’s gonna put you to bed.”
“Hurts.”
“I know, baby,” I hear him murmur as he walks away from the car and leaving me behind. “We’ll have medicine then have a big sleep.”
Holy shit.
What have I done?
Twenty One
Aiden
Blackmail
Fuck. My. Life.
Why did I do that?
And fuck my brothers for planting that damn seed in my head. So what if I love her? I’m not a sappy idiot like them. I don’t need to announce it to the world.
But no, they plant the seed, she’s pisses me off, then boom! I spew that shit all over the place and ruin it.
I may not be a romantic idiot, I might even miss most of the queues; anniversaries, flowers, jewelry, but I know a girl doesn’t want to be reprimanded in the same sentence a man declares his love for her. That’s definitely not the shit they dream about when playing with their Barbie’s. Not once would she have played that scene out in her head the way it happened.
But no. I’m a grade A fucking prick that can’t keep his shit under control and now she probably thinks I’m an idiot.
Let’s not forget she didn’t say it back. Oh no, I was listening. Waiting. She could have stopped me. She could have asked
me to wait and hear her out. She had the length of the whole damn driveway to say something, but she bit her lip instead and didn’t say a word.
I’m a fun time for her. Same as she was supposed to be a fun time for me.
I’m not Bobby or Jim. I’m not the famous fighter, nor do I wear my heart on my sleeve the way they do. Anyone would think I don’t need the words, that I’m too gruff and have no feelings.
Well, I fucking do. She could have said it back.
She should have said it back, dammit!
I lay Evie down in her bed, the size of it dwarfing her tiny body and I curse myself again when I carefully place her poor, broken, pink casted arm down over her stomach.
Well, no shit she didn’t say it back. I’m on duty one fucking time and Evie breaks her arm. Of course I was going to pay to fix the damn thing. It’s the least I could do.
I fix her covers then lean down and kiss her hair. I have a bad feeling that if Tina wasn’t spooked before, she is now. I’m going on a rampage if she thinks they can just slip out the back door, out of my life as swiftly as they snuck in.
“I love you, Smalls.”
She doesn’t say it back, but unlike her damn mother, she has the handy excuse of being asleep.
Fuck Tina for not saying it back.
I exit Evie’s room, making sure to turn the purple night light on as I leave, then I close the door most of the way, leaving it cracked an inch so she can come out in the morning.
I stand in the hallway and face the wall, laying my brow against the beige paint and breathing through my nose.
What am I going to do?
Go out and face her? Let her continue to not say it back? Go and fuck her and hope that she forgets I ever said what I said?
I twitch when I feel her arms wrap around my waist from behind, she lays her face on my back, between my shoulder blades and I listen to her breathe.
Did she sync our breaths on purpose? Or am I still a fucking idiot and reading too deep into this shit?
“Can you leave me alone for a bit, Peaches?” I’d like to die without an audience.