“Mummy?” he asked, wiggling up my chest.
As I came out of my daze, I was surprised to find how heavy he was these days. He’d grown up so fast. “Hey,” I murmured with a smile, genuinely happy to see him. “I missed you guys,” I told them, forcing my eyelids apart. I opened my arms up and Bianca and Lucas dived in. I hugged them tightly, feeling a mixture of relief and appreciation. It was when I opened my eyes and spotted Charli leaning sadly against the door with tears streaming down her face, I knew something had happened. Something major. Something bad. I felt it. It wasn’t just written all over Charli’s beautifully tormented face; in the pit of my stomach I just felt it.
“Who brought you down to visit me?” I asked nervously, needing to get to Charli as soon as I could.
“Nana did,” Bianca explained. “We went for ice cream then we came to see you.”
“Did you really? Bianca, Mummy needs a drink very much. Would you be able to take Lucas and go see if you can find Nana and ask her to get Mum some water?” I asked pathetically, knowing there was a jug on the table behind my head.
“Okay, Mummy.” She grinned, one of her teeth still missing. I watched as she reached out and took Lucas’s hand before skipping off down the hallway dragging him along behind her.
Charli didn’t move. She watched them go in stoic silence. Then she turned back and looked at me and burst into tears. She crumpled. I watched in horror as she slid down the door a broken girl. “Charli,” I cried as my heart broke. “Please, sweetheart, come here,” I begged. I was trying to get out of bed, fighting the sheets and the gown and the tubes but they were winning. My daughter needed me and my bed was holding me hostage. “Charli,” I begged, as tears took hold of me.
I watched and prayed as she dragged herself up off the floor and used the bed to steady herself. She was as white as a sheet. Her usually captivating, wide innocent eyes were now haunted and hollow. Something had stolen the life from her and I was paralysed with fear. As soon as her trembling hand reached the bed, I reached out with my arm wrapped in a cast and pulled her to me, ignoring the excruciating pain as it coursed through my arm.
“Sweetheart,” my heart was breaking. “What is it?” I asked, clutching her to my chest, stroking her hair, doing anything I could think of to calm and reassure her.
“I…I did something,” she gasped between gut wrenching sobs.
“It’s okay, Charli. Nothing you have done can hurt you. I promise,” I said, sucking in a deep breath and silently praying that I could live up to that promise. “Just tell me what’s happened.”
“It’s Dad.”
“What about Dad? What’d he do?” I asked, completely blindsided.
I was sure the kids had been with either Adele or safe at school since I’d been in hospital. Adele knew how I felt about Joel being with the kids and, as she had seen firsthand what he was capable of, I would’ve bet my life on it that she wouldn’t have let him see them. I doubted even Adele would’ve seen him. I was at a complete loss as to what could’ve happened.
I watched in silence as Charli swatted her tears away. Even though I was desperate to know, I couldn’t push her. As much as it was freaking me out, Charli was the most important thing. I watched as she struggled to gather her thoughts before sighing heavily, “I told…told the police,” was all she managed to get out before collapsing heavily in another gut-wrenching fit of sobs.
My heart shattered into a million pieces. My already fragile daughter had broken. She was lying in my lap, nothing more than the shell of the vibrant young woman she was becoming, a babbling incoherent mess.
“Told the police what, sweetheart?” I asked, forcing my voice to remain stable. A million thoughts raced through my head, none of them good.
Snivelling, Charli looked up at me with fright. I could feel her trembling against me. She was a mess. It was the only way to describe her. A complete and utter mess. “I…I told them that he hurt you,” she cried again. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Mum,” she kept repeating between sniffs and sobs.
And there it was. The truth was out now. No going back. My own daughter had more guts than I did. She’d done what I should’ve. I was weak and I knew that, I had always known that, but Charli was brave. And now it was destroying her.
“Don’t you apologize,” I said stubbornly, lifting her face to look me in the eye. “Charli, you did the right thing. You know you did, or you wouldn’t have done it. And I should have. I should have been the one to tell them what he did. But I was too scared.”
“Mummy,” she cried again, squeezing me tighter and not letting go.
“It’s okay,” I reassured her, not really certain of whether it was or not. Charli would be alright because I’d never let anything happen to her, but I knew Joel. I’d known him a long time and I knew there would be repercussions. I’d bear the brunt of his fury, but it didn’t matter. The truth was out there now. Nothing he could do would ever take that away. “You did the right thing. Everything will be okay.”
In more pain than I could stand, I wriggled out from under Charli and settled her in beside me. By the time Adele returned with Bianca and Lucas, Charli had managed to cry herself to sleep in my arms, just like she had when she was barely a baby.
“We brought you a drink, Mum,” Bianca said, handing me the bottle of water proudly.
“I got the straw, Mum,” Lucas added, sticking a blue straw in my hand. “I got to choose.”
“Thank you,” I said as I accepted the drink. I was parched and drinking through a straw wouldn’t have been my first choice, I just wanted to upend the bottle and down the lot in one long swallow, but Lucas had so proudly brought it back, I had to use it. “Mmmm,” I murmured in appreciation. After all, it was just a bottle of water.
Adele looked at me oddly over their heads. “She okay?” she mouthed silently indicating Charli.
Shaking my head sadly, I honestly didn’t know. I didn’t know if she would ever forgive herself for what she’d unwittingly set in motion. I understood her motives and I loved her more than anything for it, but I knew what would happen from here. She hadn’t been able to see any further into the future. All she wanted was for it to stop. To stop having to run away in the middle of the night. To stop the bruises and the beatings and seeing me hurt. She was protecting me and I loved her more than words could ever describe for it, but now I needed her to let me deal with it. She wasn’t getting any more involved than she already was. Nothing was going to come back on her for this.
“Adele,” I asked as normally as I could muster. “Did the doctor say anything about when I can go home?”
“No, they didn’t. But I can go and find out if you like?”
“That’d be good. I need to go home. Lucas and I have a half-finished game of tennis, don’t we, mister?” I asked, watching as he climbed like a monkey back up onto the bed. For a single bed it was suddenly very small. Charli stretched out asleep next to me, Lucas perched on the end, and Bianca stood beside me looking lost. “Come on, missy. Up you get.” As soon as the words left my lips, an enormous and generous smile broke out across her face and she scrambled up to join us.
“I’ll go see what I can find out,” Adele offered, tossing her handbag over her shoulder. “Lucas, you’re in charge,” she nominated, scuffing up his hair before disappearing out the door.
After pointing at everything in the room and asking what it all was, Lucas seemed to be satisfied just to poke my cast. Then out of the blue, Bianca sat up and said, “Mum, can we go home soon?”
“Sweetie, Nana’s just gone to find the doctor to see when I can go home, and then we’re out of here. But if they won’t let me go today you still get to go home tonight with Nana,” I tried to explain.
“That’s not home. That’s to Nana’s house. I want to go to my house,” she pouted.
Trying not to upset anyone, I tried to explain as best I could, which, admittedly, was very poorly, “You can’t go home until I can. So, as soon as the doctor says that Mummy
’s hand is okay to go home, then we can all go home together. We just have to wait.”
“How long?” She frowned, crossing hers arms across her chest defiantly.
“When Nana comes back we’ll know.”
I couldn’t help but scrutinize her tantrum as the words sunk in. She’d started off sulking and annoyed, but as she began to understand what was happening her face softened and she came back to me. “When we get home, can I sign your cast?” she asked randomly. I was relieved. No more questions about going home or Joel or why we were here. Instead, she wanted to draw on my cast.
“Me too, Mummy,” Lucas chimed in.
“As soon as we get home you can both draw on it.” I knew I would have the best-looking cast ever.
“Charli too?” Bianca checked. She was always looking out for Charli, and I had never been prouder of my kids. It didn’t matter what was happening, they were still amazing people. Somewhere along the way I must have done something right.
“Charli too,” I assured them, getting two wide toothless smiles in reply.
Although I had enjoyed the silence earlier, I wouldn’t have traded these moments for anything.
Just us being a normal family. The simple things. It made everything else seem unimportant and petty. Even if it was only for a few precious moments when everyone was happy and healthy, it was the best part about being a mum.
Adele reappeared and told me that I’d probably be able to go home tomorrow night. They wanted to check on everything and make sure the drugs had completely worn off before they sent me home. It took me almost an hour to convince the kids that I was fine and I’d be home soon. Charli was reluctant to leave, so much so that she threw her first tantrum in almost three years. It was undeniably convincing. She was worried about me and about Joel finding out what she’d done. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that there was a better than probable chance he already knew.
As I watched them leave, the silence once again enveloped the room. I missed them. Before I’d found safety and peace in the silence, now it was suffocating. Charli’s words repeated in my head and I couldn’t shake the feeling of dread. I loved her for what she’d done and I admired her resolve and strength, but I now found myself praying Joel never found out. I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d turn on his own daughter once he knew, and that was the most sickening feeling imaginable.
I drifted off to sleep again, hoping to sleep dreamlessly through the night. I didn’t want to wake up and I didn’t want the nightmares. But predictably, they haunted me. Twice I woke with a start, drenched in a cold sweat, the monitor beside me blinking incessantly. A nurse appeared both times, alarmed by the buzzing noises of the monitor. The second time she appeared, she checked on me then disappeared before returning with a crossword puzzle book. Stretching out on the chair beside me, I wasn’t entirely sure what she was doing.
“Is something wrong? Should I be worried?” I asked, glancing at the monitors, wishing I understood them.
“No, no my dear.” She smiled a wide, comforting smile. “You just seemed a bit jumpy and you need to get your rest. I thought I’d just sit with you for a while. Now go on, back to sleep. And don’t let anything wake you. I’m right here. You’re safe.” Reassuringly, she straightened my blankets, re-fluffed my pillows, and turned the blinking machine away from me.
And she was right. As soon as I stopped concentrating on the machines around me and let go of the fear that Joel would come looking for me in the middle of the night, I slept like a baby. It was exactly what the doctor ordered. Or, in my case, the nurse at the foot of my bed.
Dawn broke and sunlight filled my room. As I came out of my daze, I realized the nurse was gone, but there was a note on my table over the foot of my bed.
You will be fine. You are safe here. We can help. All you need to do is let us.
I didn’t know whether to panic or just be thankful. Did she know what was going on? Had she told anyone? Or was she just suspicious? I didn’t know which way to look. My eyes scoured the room for something, anything, out of place, but everything seemed to be okay. Nothing moved. Nothing missing.
After my breakfast was delivered, I waited impatiently for the doctor to come and discharge me. A bubbly young blonde with cropped hair and too many piercings in her ears and even one in her nose basically skipped into my room. “Hi, I’m Honey,” she sang.
“Of course, you are,” I murmured under my breath, sitting up. “I’m Gillian,” I said, sticking out my hand awkwardly.
“Oh, I don’t shake hands. I prefer to start with a hug.” Before I could stop her she was on top of me hugging me softly. If it wasn’t so weird it would’ve been exactly what I needed, but I had no idea who she was.
“Umm,” I said, tapping her shoulder. As she moved away from me her animated face began to droop into a fuzzy frown. “I’m sorry,” I said, as I began wondering how I had upset her.
“Don’t be,” she waved dismissively, jumping up and perching herself on the end of my bed. “Let me introduce myself. As I was saying, my name’s Honey. I’m a counsellor here at the hospital…”
I didn’t let her finish. “Look, Honey,” It came out more forcefully than I had intended. “I appreciate you coming to see me, but really, I don’t need a counsellor. What I need is for my doctor to finish reading the paper, put down his coffee and come and sign the papers saying I can go home to my kids.” I was surprised by my own honesty. Maybe Charli had rubbed off on me.
“Gillian, I see a lot of abused women come through here in denial…”
“Get out!” I seethed. “I’m not in denial. And I don’t need your help. Please leave me alone.”
“Okay, okay, I’ll go. But just remember there are people here to help you if you ever want to talk.” She looked like the bubble she had floated into my room on had just burst.
“Actually, there is something you can do for me.” I smiled, watching her perk up instantly and her expression going back to that doe-eyed romantic I suspected she was.
“Anything.”
“Can you please ask my doctor to hurry up? I have a family to get back to.” As my words sunk in, so did her expression. “My family needs me.”
Defeated, Honey looked at me and shook her head. “Yes, Mrs. Matthews. I’ll find out what’s keeping him. Then you can go home to your loving family.”
I wanted to throw something at her vivacious little head. The way she spoke I knew she was judging me and she had no idea who I was or what I was going through. If I thought I’d get away with it I would’ve sprung from my bed and smacked her across her judgmental face. But that would make me no better than the monster who put me in here.
And like that, my own bubble burst. The reality of going home to Joel was back. I was in deep trouble, even if I couldn’t say it aloud or ask for help. Honey was right. Maybe that’s why I despised her so intently. She was right. My demons were waiting for me at home. But I had to face them sometime. And I’d face them on my own. Honey couldn’t help. No one could.
JOEL
Walking home my frustration and rage grew. The more I stewed on it the more toxic my thoughts became. My life had spiralled so far out of control it was barely recognisable to me anymore. Gillian had taken everything that had been important to me and ruined it.
Kicking at a plastic bottle that lay on the footpath, I cursed and muttered under my breath. Thinking the walk and the venting would help sober me up and calm down, I was annoyed to realize that, although it was sobering, my rage only festered and grew.
“That fucking bitch!” I snarled, pausing long enough to watch the latest model Audi go screaming past. It only fed my anger. It was just another memory of my happier, easier days. With all the strength I had I kicked the bottle at the Audi, missing it by mere centimetres as it took off down the road, leaving me standing alone in my fury.
Three hours later, hot, sweaty, and dirty, I stumbled through the front door. Heading straight for the shower, I stood there for twenty minutes letting
the icy water bead on my chest.
There was still no one home. Standing alone in the massive house, I realized I missed my kids. Lucas was an amazing young boy who I knew I’d neglected for far too long. I’d never bothered to take the time to be the dad that Lucas deserved. And Bianca was an angel. Even though she never knew it, when the house was quiet and I was alone, I’d go and sit in her room and spend hours admiring the drawings she’d done. Although she never knew I saw them, I’d noticed the change. Barely two years ago Bianca had drawn a picture of a happy family, the five of them having a picnic on the beach, but now the pictures had changed. There were still five people in the pictures, but I was gone. Replaced by my own mother.
Then there was Charli, his eldest daughter, the one who started all of this. I knew I shouldn’t resent her for what she’d done, but I couldn’t help it. When the cracks had begun to appear in our marriage and our life, I’d tried to hide it from her. It wasn’t her fault that she was born. But the more our marriage and life fell apart, the harder it was to hide. Gillian hadn’t slept with me in years. And Charli had seen other women coming and going from the house at all hours. I couldn’t even remember the last conversation I’d had with her where I wasn’t yelling at her, telling her to shut up.
Then it hit me. Suddenly it all made sense. Why should Charli protect me? In her eyes I was no longer part of their family. I didn’t eat dinner with them. I didn’t talk to them. I never helped with homework. From the outside, it looked like I didn’t even care.
Feeling the fury begin to consume me again, I picked up the phone and punched in Mum’s number. I wanted to talk to Gillian and I wanted to talk to her now. There were things that needed to be said. There were some home truths she needed to know. And she needed to know them now. They couldn’t wait. Before she’d had the chance to feed the kids any more bullshit lies, I had something to say about it.
The phone rang and rang, and I grew more and more impatient. When the answering machine picked up, I slammed down the phone, irritated. But I was determined. Instead of giving up, I dialled Mum’s mobile. But when that too went through to the answering service, I convinced myself that Mum was avoiding my calls.
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