DE VERE
Yes, the very guide who wouldn't give us a refund and led us into this possible death trap.
SEEKER
Hey, quit your whining and eat your hotdog.
The air becomes so cold that ALL start to shiver.
MATTHEW
Feels like that storm's on its way over here.
JOHN
You're telling me.
SEEKER
Yep. Probably best we get back in the tents.
DE VERE
We haven't even finished cooking our...meal.
SEEKER
You can stay out here and freeze if you want, but I'm going back to my tent.
CACAPHODEL
The chances of catching a cold increase the longer you remain in freezing temperatures.
MATTHEW
And it looks like it's about to rain.
ALL sit up and prepare to go. DE VERE walks over to the propane heater and turns it off.
PIGGSNORTO
Fine. You coming, doc?
CACAPHODEL
Yes. I'm right behind you. Goodnight everyone.
HANNAH
Goodnight.
PIGGSNORTO and CACAPHODEL exit. DE VERE picks up the propane heater.
DE VERE
John, Seeker, Robins, goodnight.
HANNAH
Goodnight, Edward. Thank you for letting us use your heater.
DE VERE
You're very welcome. If you'd like to use any of the other technological wonders I've brought with me on this trip, feel free to ask.
DE VERE and CHILLINGWORTH exit.
HANNAH
Goodnight, Professor Chillingworth!
CHILLINGWORTH (OS)
And the same to you.
HANNAH
(to MATTHEW) We should get one of those.
MATTHEW
Sure. Sure.
SEEKER
(to JOHN) Too bad you only had the one joint, huh?
JOHN
Eng-lander.
SEEKER and JOHN laugh until THEY realize MATTHEW is watching.
SEEKER
We don't have any more.
MATTHEW
Good. That's real good.
JOHN
Yeah, everything's groovy. Later.
JOHN and SEEKER exit.
MATTHEW
Let's go to bed, Hannah.
HANNAH
Honey...
MATTHEW
What?
HANNAH
I don't have anything to be worried about, right? That bridge was a little shaky.
MATTHEW
No. You don't have a thing to worry about. Not with me here. Okay?
HANNAH
Okay.
HANNAH goes to kiss MATTHEW, but he pulls back.
MATTHEW
Woah! I don't want our lips to freeze together.
HANNAH playfully slaps MATTHEW on the arm.
HANNAH
Matthew Eric Robin!
MATTHEW
But on second thought...
MATTHEW kisses HANNAH.
MATTHEW
Maybe I do.
HANNAH and MATTHEW exit.
END ACT I, SCENE II
ACT I, SCENE III
Along a trail that leads to a bridge over a river. It's noon, but the thick clouds keep most of the blue sky covered.
SEEKER, PIGGSNORTO, JOHN, and CHILLINGWORTH enter.
SEEKER
Well...there it is. That bridge we crossed. Kind of sad to have to end the trip so early, but...things happen.
PIGGSNORTO
Yeah, like a guide who's afraid of a little cold weather.
SEEKER
Why don't you just shut up? I'm tired of hearing it. It's freezing weather, and we need to cross this bridge and get back to the station before we all die.
PIGGSNORTO
That bridge? I never seen a sadder bridge my whole life.
SEEKER
It's your bridge.
CHILLINGWORTH
It doesn't seem very safe, although it didn't seem that safe to begin with. Is it missing a few more steps?
SEEKER
All old bridges have a few steps missing.
PIGGSNORTO
Right before they fall apart.
JOHN
If you guys keep thinking of bad things, bad things will happen.
CHILLINGWORTH
Let's test your theory. Think positive thoughts and be the first to walk across.
SEEKER
No one's crossing it till I decide it's safe.
MATTHEW (OS)
What's the hold up?
Enter MATTHEW, HANNAH, CACAPHODEL, and DE VERE. MATTHEW is helping CACAPHODEL walk.
PIGGSNORTO
The hippy's too afraid to cross the bridge first and the hillbilly won't let him do it.
MATTHEW sits CACAPHODEL down to rest.
CACAPHODEL
Thank you very much, Mr. Robin. My lungs aren't nearly as functional as they used to be.
DE VERE
It was nothing at all.
MATTHEW
I don't recall you helping.
DE VERE
I stayed behind for moral support.
CHILLINGWORTH
More likely the slower pace.
DE VERE
How dare you!
MATTHEW
Quiet! Now, why aren't we crossing this bridge already?
PIGGSNORTO
'Cause big man Seeker here won't let us. Funny, he ends our trip when he sees a little ice, but he won't cross the bridge that'll take us back home.
SEEKER
Let me see if it's okay first, before you all start callin' me a chicken. I'll be quick.
SEEKER exits.
HANNAH
Maybe we should find another way.
MATTHEW
Is there one?
JOHN
We can find a bridge made by nature. A fallen tree or stepping stones.
PIGGSNORTO
Or we can go back and look in those mines I came here for. I didn't come here for half a trip with no payout.
DE VERE
I second that, especially since this is the last expedition for the Great Carbuncle ever...though it'd be silly to think we'd actually find it, of course.
CACAPHODEL
If Seeker says the bridge is safe, then I'll go. He knows best.
MATTHEW
Hey, Seeker. Is it safe?
SEEKER enters.
SEEKER
I don't know.
CHILLINGWORTH
What do you not know about it?
SEEKER
I don't feel good about it.
MATTHEW
Oh hell!
MATTHEW picks up a rock and throws it at the bridge.
MATTHEW
There. You see? It' still stand--
SFX: a bridge falling apart and falling into a river.
ALL take cover. When the bridge is finished, THEY stand in amazement.
PIGGSNORTO
Look what you did!
MATTHEW
What I did?
DE VERE
You made it fall.
MATTHEW
What?! I didn't do that.
CACAPHODEL
If all it took was the tossing of one small rock, then Mr. Robin is innocent. In fact, he possibly saved our lives.
HANNAH
Matthew, you saved us!
CHILLINGWORTH
Now what shall we do? Seeker?
Beat.
SEEKER
Look for another way to cross the river.
MATTHEW
You know of one?
SEEKER
No. I don't use this path often, (to PIGGSNORTO) 'cause the bridge was unsafe even before this freeze.
PIGGSNORTO
Then you should'a told us to go another way.
SEEKER
Don't you try and stick t
his on me! You're the one--
MATTHEW
Shut up! So, if we need a new bridge, then let's find one. Seeker, what's our odds on that happening.
SEEKER
Not good. It's been rainin' for awhile, so this river's higher than usual. Guess we could walk down the river and hope for a miracle, but I wouldn't bet my life on it.
MATTHEW
Okay. Then half of us walk down the river with me and the other half set up camp in a dry spot up the mountain.
CACAPHODEL
Who's walking along the river and who's staying behind?
MATTHEW
Any volunteers?
SEEKER
I'll walk the river.
PIGGSNORTO
You better after--
MATTHEW
Piggsnorto, you're staying.
PIGGSNORTO
Why?
MATTHEW
'Cause I say so. That's why.
JOHN
I'll go with you.
MATTHEW
Alright. The doctor and the professor set up camp with Piggsnorto and Hannah. Edward, you're coming with me too.
DE VERE
But...wouldn't it better if--
MATTHEW
No, it wouldn't! I hear England's a cold, wet place, so you should be perfect for these parts. You're going with us. Got it?
DE VERE
Actually...
MATTHEW stares down DE VERE.
DE VERE
I'd love to accompany you.
MATTHEW
You have your orders. Let's get going.
PIGGSNORTO, CACAPHODEL, and CHILLINGWORTH exit.
HANNAH
Matthew.
MATTHEW
Yeah?
Beat.
HANNAH
Be safe.
MATTHEW
I always am.
MATTHEW and HANNAH hug, then HANNAH exits.
JOHN
Don't worry about it. We'll find a way.
MATTHEW
Thanks.
SEEKER
Just be careful and don't slip in the water. My fishin' pole can't hold the weight.
MATTHEW
And from what I've seen, you're not much of a fisherman.
SEEKER
I've caught more fish than you've seen in your whole life.
DE VERE
Then Russellville must be as dry as a desert.
THEY laugh.
MATTHEW
Ready?
THEY nod and exit.
END ACT I, SCENE III
ACT I, SCENE IV
A clearing in the woods, high in elevation. It's nearing dusk, and the grey-white clouds are slowly dimming and turning dark blue as they lightly drop snow onto the ground. It's so cold now that even huddling into a ball under wool covers wouldn't stop a person from shivering.
CACAPHODEL and HANNAH are sitting on the ground, trying to keep warm by sharing a blanket.
HANNAH
Do you think they're coming back now? It's getting dark.
CACAPHODEL
Don't worry. I'm sure they're on their way. Your husband's with them, and a soldier like him knows to return to camp before nightfall.
HANNAH
Why did that bridge have to fall down? Why today?
CACAPHODEL
These elemental factors are too much for such an old bridge. We should be thankful that it collapsed before we tried to cross it.
HANNAH
I thought I was over this.
CACAPHODEL
Over what?
HANNAH
Worrying about Matthew. He's home now, and I thought all of that was behind us. We're this close to starting a real family. He's supposed to be safe.
CHILLINGWORTH and PIGGSNORTO enter. CHILLINGWORTH is wearing a blanket.
PIGGSNORTO
Got the tents up. My fingers are ice cubes. Get that little stove out here and turn it on.
HANNAH
It's out of fuel. It wasn't all the way and leaked out overnight.
CACAPHODEL
Keep your hands underneath your armpits. You'll return their warmth faster that way.
PIGGSNORTO
Thanks for the advice, doc.
CHILLINGWORTH
I'd listen to him if I were you. He's the most qualified to offer medical advice.
PIGGSNORTO
Yeah. I'll listen to the guy too old to help us with a little work.
CHILLINGWORTH
Knowledge usually accompanies old age.
CACAPHODEL
Thank you for your support, Professor Chillingworth, but I believe I'm younger than you. Remember, I have a skin condition.
PIGGSNORTO
So you're just a facaca? Old skin don't mean old bones. You could'a still helped.
HANNAH
Where's Matthew?
CHILLINGWORTH
Most likely returning to the camp area.
HANNAH
But what if someone was hurt?
CHILLINGWORTH
Then the others would carry whomever was wounded.
PIGGSNORTO
And if they all got hurt?
CHILLINGWORTH
In that scenario, I don't suppose we would find out until tomorrow.
Beat.
MATTHEW (OS)
Come on, we're almost there.
The Great Carbuncle Page 4