by Jillian Hart
She turned toward him as he reached to take her cardigan and her purse. Without a word he went to put them away for her. Across the room his gaze found hers and there was that smile, lopsided and dear, that made her heart tug, as if an invisible rope linked them. As love bound them.
She hardly noticed Rebecca until she spoke, already at the front door, her voice low to keep from waking the kids. “I’ll just go. We’ll catch up later. See ya.”
“Uh—bye!” Too late, the door was closed, her sister was gone and she was alone with her husband. Alone, standing before him vulnerable, with her heart wide-open, waiting for the words he’d said for the first time on that long-ago third date. Needing to hear those words with all the pieces of her soul.
Jonas checked the lock on the front door and as he set the alarm for the night, his rich baritone was nothing but rumbling tenderness. “I’ll check on the kids on my way to bed.”
To bed? She watched, her jaw falling slack, as incredibly he took one step away from her. Then another. And another until the shadows of the hallway claimed him.
She could still feel the pull of his heart to hers and the connection of the emotions they’d shared. But this wasn’t the way she needed their date to end, as if that closeness was over. As if they were in the business of marriage together, and nothing more, with a typical evening routine of checking the house and the kids. The fairy-tale-like sweetness of their date screeched to an end. Her hopes crashed to the ground.
There would be no words of endearment, no vows of love and devotion and none of the emotional closeness she craved with her beloved husband. That was it. She was at her breaking point. She’d managed to hold it together through the coma, through the shattering realization that she was a stranger to him, that long lonely stretch when he was away in Seattle and the disappointing loneliness when he’d come back home.
I need you, Jonas. She didn’t know how to tell him. Hadn’t she pressured him enough as it was? He feared that he was a disappointment to her—to her. What kind of wife was she if she couldn’t inspire love in her own husband? And on their wedding anniversary, no less.
Alone in the shadows, Danielle bowed her head. Jonas’s uneven gait receded down the hall, putting darkness and distance between them, as if any closeness had been nothing but her wish—and hers alone.
Chapter Fourteen
Jonas rubbed his face dry with the hand towel, feeling great about how the evening turned out. Dani had looked so happy tonight. He’d checked on both the kids and the dog, and there was nothing more for her to do. He’d done everything he could for his wife today. He hated that it wasn’t enough, as it once had been.
He also hated that she felt she had to take the full-time job Spence had offered her. But before long he intended to be back at work. Not on regular patrol—probably never again with his leg, but he would be glad to go back to his desk, managing troopers and shuffling papers.
Soon, he promised himself. He would work hard enough to make that happen, no matter how painful those dreaded physical therapy appointments were. He wiped up the splashes around the sink—he still made a lot—and hung the towel. There. Nothing left to do but to say his prayers, and that was a long list these days. He had so much to be thankful for. God had allowed him to come back to this life—and it was a good one.
He grabbed his cane and limped into the bedroom. His leg was bothering him a lot. The balloon ride hadn’t been easy. He’d used his leg too much trying to keep his balance, but it had been for a good cause. Dani and he had moved one step closer.
Speaking of his wife, where was she? The bedroom door was open into the hallway and the lamp he’d left on by the bed glowed brightly, but there was no Dani. She wasn’t anywhere in sight.
Maybe she’d treated herself to some tea and some downtime. He yanked open the top dresser drawer for his pj’s and that’s when he heard it, the soft snuffling sound of a muffled sob. His heart fell to the floor. Was that Dani? He was hardly aware of getting out of the room and down the hall, past the kids’ closed doors. Suddenly he was in the kitchen, frozen in place, staring with disbelief.
His Dani sat with her hands in her face at the table, her shoulders shaking. He’d never seen anyone cry so silently. Tears rolled between her fingers to drip onto the polished wood. She was hurting. She was in pain—his wife. Why? She was crying as if she’d lost everything in the world, and she muffled another racking sob. He felt her agony like a tsunami crashing into him, as if knocking him to his feet.
What was wrong? Why was she hurting like this? He took one step closer, and he knew. He’d failed her. This was what she’d been hiding from him, what he’d feared all along. He wasn’t the man he was. She knew it; he knew it and it was hurting her with an agony she’d been shouldering alone.
He went to her. Heaven knew nothing was worse than facing his failure to this woman—this woman who was the reason he found strength to breathe every morning. This woman, who was the reason he fought so hard every day. Her love was what had driven him before in that life he could not remember—and it drove him now.
“Jonas.” She looked up, startled, when he came out of the darkness. Tears streaked her face. Her eyes were glassy and her nose red, but she was still his beautiful Danielle, his treasured wife.
Sadness shadowed her and, seeing that raw torment, he went down on both knees. He’d done this to her. He hadn’t meant to. He’d given everything he had to come back to her. What if it wasn’t enough?
“J-Jonas.” She swiped at her face, turning away as if to hide from him. As if she was ashamed.
He caught her hands, wet from her tears and so cold, as if an indicator of her sorrow. He prayed hard for the right words. “I thought everything was going well tonight. Why are you crying?”
“I’m not. I’m stopping.” More tears rolled down her face, as if against her will.
He knew what this was about. The issue they had talked around. The issue she had stoutly denied. But it was too huge to ignore anymore. “Dani, I’m not the man I was, and I know this is hard on you.”
“Jonas, this is not about your injury.”
“Yes, it is. You have to know—” His voice broke. “You’ve got to know that things are going to get better. I promise you.”
“Oh, Jonas. This isn’t that—” She hiccuped and turned away, swiveling in the chair, until all he could see was the line of her neck, the curve of her hunched shoulder and the shine of tears on her cheek.
She took a wobbly breath, as if she were fighting more tears. “I know things are going to get better. This is so stupid of me. Forgive me. Just f-for-get I did this, okay?”
“No. I can’t forget. You’re disappointed in me.” It tore him apart. “I’m working hard. I’m getting stronger. I’m going to be the man I used to be. Someone you can count on. I promise you this. Just don’t stop loving me.”
“Jonas, you don’t understand.” She faced him, tears spilling down her cheeks, the sorrow deeper, but the love was there, too.
Relief left him dizzy. He cradled her hands, so small and fragile feeling, and held on so tight, as if he could keep her from changing her mind about him. As if he could keep her right here until he could prove to her he was the man who deserved her. “I’ve made you unhappy, Dani. I can’t stand that. How can I fix this?”
“Oh, my dear husband.” Her hands twisted from his.
For one split second he feared she was pulling away from him, that he was losing her, this woman who was his everything. But then she laid her hands, damp with her own tears, against the sides of his face. Her touch sent hope zinging to his soul. Her touch made his fear ease.
“No one told you what today really is, right?”
Her question stumped him. He shook his head. “I did everything your mom and sisters said. If they knew it, then that’s what I did. The flowers, the dinner, the balloon ride. The kiss.”
“They probably thought you already knew. Today is our anniversary.”
“Anniversary?�
� How had he forgotten that? How had something that important gotten by him? Jonas felt his insides turn cold. Because no amount of pictures and stories could take the place of the richness of those memories.
“We were married eight years ago. About this time, we were probably about ready to land in Seattle, knowing our honeymoon suite was waiting. Our whole life together was waiting. I was so happy to be your wife.”
Panic hit him like a speeding truck. She was talking in past tense. Was he going to lose her? His injury had cost him enough—time with his family, precious memories he could never get back. He was not about to let that gunman take his wife from him, too.
“No, Dani.” He had been wrong. He had fought so hard for her, but it had been in all the wrong ways. His need to be whole and strong for her, that was for himself, he could see that now. Because he didn’t feel lovable being less than the man he was.
But in failing her, he was so much less than he’d ever been. “I didn’t remember. I should have. There’s no excuse for this. I saw the date in the photo album. I just never thought. I’m sorry.”
“I know, Jonas. I just expected too much too soon. Maybe I’ve been wrong all along.” She looked so lost, as lost as he felt.
He had been wrong; but he knew Dani. He knew what she needed now. “Please, give me the chance to make this right. I can make this up to you. I know it. Tell me what to do, and I’ll do it.”
“No. We had a nice evening. That was enough. It was—” She blinked back the tears from her eyes. “You can’t fix this.”
“I have to. Dani, don’t give up on me. I’m begging you.” He had still so much to tackle and to come back from. He was not whole. More anger filled him, anger at the man who had shot him. Pointless anger he had to let go of. “I’ll work harder. I will.”
“I know, Jonas. I don’t doubt you. Never you.” She hated how he was hurting. She hated that he’d found her crying over nothing at all—and everything, all at the same time. “I need you. I miss you.”
“Dani, I’m right here.” So true, that was Jonas. His hands cupping her shoulders, holding on to her, pure unbreakable steel.
“I miss how close we used to be. For a moment tonight in the balloon I thought that it was back. But now, just like that, you turn away from me and it’s gone. I missed how it was when you were in love with me.” She knew this was where she would say how much she loved him and he would sweetly, wonderfully, perfectly say that he wanted to love her, too. Once, that had been enough. The promise of his love, of regaining their closeness had been enough to keep her going.
But not tonight. Her heart felt too broken, too tired, in too many pieces. Loneliness hurt like an open wound. “I just needed more tonight, Jonas. I need your love. I need to hear the words. I’m so alone without you.”
Pain shot across his face. “This is the way you’ve been feeling? All along?”
“That was my fault, too.” She nodded, able to see that now. She hadn’t trusted him enough. “From the moment I got your supervisor’s call, I was terrified I would lose you. Jonas, you are my center, my strength, my heart on this earth. Until I saw you unconscious on that hospital bed, I didn’t realize you were the reason I drew breath. That I am who I am. That I have two amazing children. That today—our anniversary—means more to me because I see this now. I know what true love is. I miss my better half.”
“Not your better half.” He softly kissed the tears from her face. “I did this all wrong, Dani. I should have known how you were feeling. I should have been a better husband to you.”
“You are the best husband I could possibly have. The only one I will ever want.” How did she make him understand? “You were my best friend, my soul mate, my husband, my life.”
“Your everything.” He brushed the hair out of her eyes so that he could look into them. “I think I understand. That’s what you want back.”
She nodded, afraid that he would retreat now. Afraid that he would admit that he was not those things—and maybe never would be.
“Dani, I’ve tried so hard.” Jonas sounded tortured. “I’ve tried so hard to be what you needed. I’ve worked so hard to be strong for you.”
“I know. This isn’t fair to you.”
“I thought if I could get back to where I was, that you could love me for who I am. Instead of who I used to be.”
“Oh, Jonas. No. I love who you are now.” Talk about regrets. She should have been stronger tonight, but she had simply needed him. She still needed her best friend, her husband, to love her. “I’ve put too much pressure on you. Again.”
“No, it’s my fault. All mine. I thought I knew you, Dani. What you needed. What you wanted. I’ve done my best to come back.”
Her worst fear was going away from him bit by bit, step by step over time. Heaven knew that happened in marriages. Was it too late for theirs? So much distance had slipped between them. How could she bear to lose him twice?
“But now I see I didn’t know you at all.” He looked in agony. “What kind of husband doesn’t see how much his wife is hurting?”
“You haven’t failed me, Jonas. You are much more than the man you used to be. Can’t you see that?” Was he going to say he’d done all that he could? That this was all he had to give? She took a shuddering breath. “I’m lonely for you.”
“I see that.” Tears—pain—filled his eyes. “Have I lost you? Have I messed everything up?”
How could he think this was his fault? Her vision blurred. “Does this mean you still w-want me?”
“Every second of every minute of every day, beautiful.” His gaze fastened on hers as if he were seeing far into her heart and into the secret places of her spirit. “I am in love with you. I didn’t know how much until now. I think about losing you and my world crashes into pieces. I am nothing without you. It’s as if all the light stops and there’s just darkness.”
“Jonas, that’s how I feel, too. I just need your love.”
“My heart is the same, and my heart remembers you. I might not love you the way I used to, but I can promise you this. I love you more now than I ever did. And more with every passing minute. My love for you is great and true, and that’s something no bullet can stop.”
Tears rolled down her cheeks, but no longer from loneliness. His lips found hers with infinite sweetness. His kiss was more than a promise. It was perfection.
She let him draw her into his arms, into the sanctuary of his chest where she belonged. The world felt right again. She savored the sweetness of being close to him, of the distance between them bridged. She soaked up the sound of his heartbeat against her ear and the draw of his breath. How thankful she was for this man. How infinitely thankful.
“Since I’m down on my knees, maybe now is a good time to ask you something.” Jonas took her hand, her left hand, where her diamond wedding set sparkled. “Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”
“I am your wife.”
“Yes, but I want a wedding I can remember. One I can share with you.” His eyes darkened until there was only the love there, as true as dreams. “Marry me, Dani. Let me promise to love and honor you again, so we both can remember where we’ve been. Where we will go together.”
“Yes. It would be my pleasure to marry you all over again.” She kissed her husband so he would know how she felt, how much she adored him and how grateful she was for him. “Thank you, Jonas. For loving me. For not leaving me.”
“Never, beautiful.” His smile made her soul sigh. “I promise I will love you so hard and true for the rest of my life. I will be right here for you, doing everything I can to be the man you need.”
“I know that, Jonas.”
“I might get it wrong from time to time, so I’ll need you to steer me a little.” He winked.
“Gladly.” She kissed him, so he would feel how she felt. Suddenly her hopes were sky-high again. Her joy taller than the grandest mountain. She thought of those secrets they’d kept from one another. Her fears. His fears. Anger at the
gunman who had shattered their world.
Well, it was whole now. They were going to be all right. She could tell by the way he was looking at her, as if he loved her every shortcoming, every flaw, every strength. Dani swiped the last of the tears from her eyes. Already there was the brightness in her heart that his love had put there.
Yes, she could see he was strong enough to lean on. Just as she was strong enough, too.
Bare feet padded across the linoleum and suddenly little arms wrapped around Danielle’s middle. “Mommeee! I want kisses, too!”
“Who is this out of bed?” Jonas growled, gently, teasingly as he grabbed up the little pajama-clad girl and swung her into his arms. “I think she needs to be punished.”
Over the top of Madison’s curls, he winked at her. Danielle laughed, she felt so happy. “Someone definitely needs a big punishment.”
“No, Daddy! Mommy, no!” Madison squealed, wiggling even before Jonas smacked the first kiss on her appled cheek.
“That’s one kiss.” Danielle snuggled close to leave a smacking kiss on Madison’s other cheek. “Two kisses.”
“No-ooo!” She giggled.
“Three kisses.” Danielle waited while Jonas did the honors, and then she added the next one to Madison’s forehead. “Four kisses.”
“And a tummy tickle.” Jonas’s baritone rumbled with laughter as he tickled her.
Maddy giggled with delight. “No! Daddeeee!”
More footsteps sounded behind them. Lucky come to see what the commotion was about, followed by Tyler, still yawning and sleep tousled.
“Do you know what I think?” Jonas hugged both kids before he climbed to his feet. “We ought to celebrate. Hot chocolate and cookies for everyone.”
“Cookies!” Madison agreed with a shout.
“Yeah! Hot chocolate!” Tyler pumped his fist.
Lucky barked, his tail whapped and nearly toppled a chair.