“How did that go?” I asked, knowing I sounded anything but nonchalant.
“She said you weren’t going to New York this fall.”
I closed my eyes and opened them to see my mom and dad watching each other warily.
“Audrey,” my dad said. “You haven’t told him?”
“Are you not going to the Fashion Institute?” Tate’s voice cracked.
“Tate,” I said, doing my best to keep my voice calm and to not tear up. “I have to stay and take care of my mom.”
All sorts of emotions flitted across Tate’s face. Anger. Sadness. Regret. “So it’s true.” He turned to my mom. “Mrs. Staunton, are you doing okay?”
“Oh yes,” she said. “It’s new, but I’m managing. This disease is my new companion. I’ll just have to learn to deal with it.”
“It’s not fatal,” my dad said, and Tate let out a relieved sigh. But then he swiveled to me, his eyes hard.
“Why didn’t you say anything before? We had all these plans—”
“Because I was scared of what you’d say.”
My mom and dad watched us like a tennis match, and I couldn’t handle the audience.
“Can you excuse us?” I asked.
I stood up, and Tate followed me to my room. I closed the door, trusting my dad wouldn’t come knocking.
I took a deep breath and faced Tate. He held up a hand. “I have to tell you. Jade kissed me.”
This stopped me from saying what I intended. “What?”
“I’m not keeping anything from you. At the party, she made a pass at me. I didn’t kiss her back.”
He told me what happened. That bitch. But Jade touching Tate was minor compared to what I’d done.
I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry Jade touched you. But I’m sorrier that I didn’t come to you first. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to talk with you about this.”
“Audrey,” he said. “You can talk with me about anything.”
“Not about this.”
“Why not? It involves me. It involves us.”
“Because you’re not the only one who likes to figure out everything in advance. And this problem doesn’t have a solution. If I can just hold out for the school year, Dad receives his full retirement. They asked me to help out.” I dropped my eyes. “I couldn’t say no.”
“So, that’s what you’re doing? Delaying for a year.”
I nodded, not trusting my voice. But I managed to say, “Because he can’t take care of her by himself. I have to help my family.”
“And you decided this without talking to me.”
It wasn’t a question. I sighed. “Tate. You can’t solve this. You can’t buy your way out of this. You can’t change my dad’s retirement age. You can’t make her better. There’s no solution.”
Tate closed his eyes then opened them. Then he went to the door, his hand on the knob. “I’m sorry your mom is sick. Truly.”
“Me too.” I squeezed my eyes shut.
“But I don’t understand why you didn’t talk to me about this. You just assumed, what—that we’d have to break up? We could figure something out. I can stay home—”
I held up my hand. “No. See? That’s what I didn’t want. I knew you’d offer something like that. And I can’t make you give up New York.”
“Why didn’t you ask me what I wanted?” The hurt in his tone chastened me. “Because all I want is you.”
I’d fucked up.
And tears really began to stream down my face.
“All I want is you, too. And I can’t have you.”
“I’ll stay,” he said.
“No. I can’t ask you to do that.”
“I’d do it for someone I love.”
His words made my insides seize up. Tate loved me.
“I love you, Audrey. But this is a two-way street. We have to be able to talk. If you don’t feel like you can talk with me, then maybe our relationship isn’t what I thought it was.”
“It is,” I said quickly. “I just couldn’t figure out a good time to tell you.”
“So you settled on not telling me?”
I didn’t have an answer to that.
He faltered, his eyes imploring me. And then apparently resigned because he must not have seen what he wanted to see in my eyes. “You know what? I need to go home.”
Giving me one last look, he opened the door and walked down the hallway. I heard him say thank you to my parents.
Then the front door closed and the MLR drove away.
When I stepped back in the dining room, red-faced and tearstained, my parents didn’t say anything. I opened my mouth, but no words came out.
“Oh, honey,” my mom said. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault you’re sick.”
But I couldn’t eat anything.
Later that night, I texted Wren.
Audrey: Tate found out about me staying home this fall
Wren: What happened?
Audrey: He was upset
Wren:
Audrey: You were right
Audrey: I should have talked with him
Audrey: It sucks
Audrey: I hurt him
Audrey: And I feel awful
Wren: I wish I could make it all better
I was headed for bed when there was a knock on my bedroom door. My mom wheeled in. “Can we talk?”
I nodded.
“I’m sorry.”
“Mom. Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault. It’s just the way things are. You’d take care of me if I were sick, and I’ll take care of you. Don’t worry about it at all.”
She gave me a watery smile and held out her shaking arms. I threw myself into them, holding her tight. Her feeble hug made up for its lack of vigor by letting me stay in her arms for a long time.
When she wheeled herself out of my room, she paused and gave me one last glance over her shoulder. “I love you, Audrey.”
“Love you too, Mom.”
On my desk was an official-looking envelope I’d received in the mail today. I opened it up and almost choked.
My passport. I’d forgotten that Tate had paid for it to be expedited. He wanted us to be able to go travel at any time.
My picture inside looked like I was having the time of my life, probably because I was. Because he’d given me the present of possibility.
The blue passport pages were shiny, with holograms on them. And so many blank pages. I didn’t know if they still stamped passports or not but I wasn’t finding out any time soon.
Tate was going to show me the world. But with how hurt he was when he left, now I didn’t think that would ever happen.
Fourteen
Full Mr. Peanut
Tate
Sitting in my bedroom, I pulled the folded piece of paper out of my wallet that had our Anti-Bucket List on it. Ever since we wrote it, I’d been carrying it around with me. Toy store in New York City and clothes shopping in London. Food and celebrations and trains.
But it didn’t matter, because it wasn’t going to happen.
What hurt more was that Audrey had been holding this inside, unable to tell me. I had to find it out from Jade fucking Lopez, someone who had no business telling me.
Holding the folded piece of paper in my fingers, I went to tear up the list, but paused. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. My heart couldn’t take it.
I was pissed, yeah. But I also was hurt she didn’t think we could work this out together. Was something else going on? Had Audrey been using me? For what, I didn’t know.
I thought back on all the smiles she’d given me and all the support in school and otherwise. How delighted she seemed just to be around me. How many hours we spent together doing nothing or anything in particular.
How good she felt with her body next to mine.
No, our relationship had to mean something to her. She’d admitted she liked me. And she was genuinely crushed.
Maybe I wasn’t being fair.
I thought about what I’d do if my mom got sick, and I knew the answer. Like Audrey, I’d do anything for her. Even give up my dreams.
I felt bad now for being selfish and wanting Audrey all to myself. Because she’d never be just mine. She had family and friends and school and work and other people in her life. Our life couldn’t consist of only the two of us on some train traveling somewhere. We needed to live, but it didn’t really matter how we did that.
What I needed was another plan.
If I had to stay in Merlot to be with her, I would. If she had to defer, I would, too.
That’s not what she wanted you to do, I reminded myself. She knew you’d act that way, and she wanted you to not to.
But I had to fix this.
When I walked in the den, my brothers sat watching another Giants game.
Despite my mood, I choked out a laugh. Perry wore the monocle in his eye and a pipe clamped in his mouth.
“So you’re really going full Mr. Peanut?”
“You got it, little bro.”
I shook my head. “You’re such a weirdo.”
“Better to be a weirdo than to be boring.”
They took one look at my face, then at each other.
“You still a virgin?” Perry said.
Bert nodded. “He still has that glow. Like a unicorn. Innocent.”
“Leave me alone,” I said. And then, “She’s going to break up with me. I know it.”
My grouchy mood showed, and I slumped onto the couch. Bert passed me a soda.
And I told them everything.
When I finished, Bert asked, “How are you doing?”
“Okay,” I said, but it felt like a lie.
“Bullshit,” Perry said cheerfully. “You’re in a funk.”
I shrugged. “Maybe.”
“Maybe? Let me gather this. Your girlfriend is staying here, and you’re going away to college. She’s maybe broken up with you because she didn’t want to do long distance. Oh, and you’re still a virgin.”
I nodded.
“And you’re in love.” Bert added helpfully.
I nodded again.
“You know I was only ever kidding about dating her,” Perry said. “I mean, she’s hot, but she’s clearly yours.”
I looked up at him in surprise. “Thanks for saying that.”
“I mean, if you dump her, give her my number.”
As usual, I growled.
We watched the game. I went and got us snacks after a bit, and when I returned, Perry and Bert looked at each other and nodded.
“We have an idea,” they said at the same time.
“You two are creeping me out.”
“No, it’s a great idea,” Perry assured me.
And as I listened, I thought they were onto something.
Maybe this could work.
Fifteen
Sacrifices
Audrey
The next day, Tate texted me saying he was sorry he left in a hurry, and he wanted to figure out how to make this work.
I love you, my fingers typed. But I didn’t hit send.
I tried to be optimistic, but I didn’t see a solution.
Still, a gift bag was on our porch this morning with my mom’s name on the tag. It had a soft blanket, a special cushion to sit on, comfortable slippers, and cashmere socks.
A lump formed in my throat.
Tate’s language of love was gifts. And he was telling me he loved me and supported my decision to help my family by giving my mom presents.
That made me take to my room the entire morning.
At dinner, my parents studied each other. Then they both looked at me.
“Pork chops,” I said, trying not to be sarcastic. “Yum.”
Pretty sure I failed at keeping the sarcasm away. We were having an early dinner because I had to scoot to get to work.
“Audrey,” my mom started. “Are you happy?”
I shook my head. “I’m sorry, but I’m not. I wish it didn’t matter. Going to college. Or … anything else.” I let out a breath. “I love you guys. I’ll stay as long as you need me.”
“And we love you,” my mom said. “But there are other things to consider.”
I shoved a bite of meat in my mouth and swallowed, trying not to choke down the dry texture. “Don’t worry. I’m not complaining. I choose you, Mom.”
She reached a trembling, slim hand over to me and touched my wrist. I stilled. Her eyes caught mine. “I know, honey. But your dad and I were wrong.”
I wasn’t having any of this. “No, you weren’t. Family matters. You can’t talk me out of it.”
“Tate matters, too.”
I gulped.
“Do you love that boy?”
I nodded. Because it was true. “Always. He’s the best person I’ve ever met.”
“Then you should go to school with him.”
“No—”
“Audrey, that boy loves you. We should never have asked you to stay home.”
“Mom, I’m not leaving you. I made my decision. It’s acceptable.”
She stared at me. “But is that true?”
I stared back. And her eyes broke me. “No, it’s not. He’s the love of my life. I want to be with him for the rest of my life. I know I’m young, but we’ve been taking this so slowly, we’ve built our relationship on a solid foundation. But Mom, I don’t want to lose you.”
“You will. It’s a fact of life. And I’m not going to chain you to this house when you’re in the prime of your life. You should be out there learning what it is you like.”
“And I told you, I’m willing to give that up to help out.”
“It is for the parent to sacrifice for the child. Not the child to sacrifice for the parent.”
“Um, Mom. Not true. Children sacrifice for their parents all the time. I’m willing to do whatever you need.”
“But I’m not willing to accept it anymore.”
I gaped at her. “I’m not going to make Dad figure out how to do all of this with working at the station too.”
“Actually, kiddo,” he chimed in, “your mom and I had a long talk last night. I’m going to retire.”
“But you can’t—”
“If I wanted to take the full amount of my pension, yes, I need to stay in longer. But I did the math. And no math on the planet is enough for me to miss the time with my wife or hinder my daughter’s education or love. We’re applying for disability, too. Your mom should qualify. So I’m retiring.”
I burst into tears, wiping my eyes with the back of my hands.
“And besides, I’m a frugal kind of guy. You know we’ll be fine.”
“Your dad and I are telling you that we think you should go live your life the way you want to. Not the way we asked you to.” Mom’s eyes shone with love.
“I’m willing to do anything for you,” I said helplessly.
“Then live a full and complete life.”
“I’ve deferred FIT already.”
“Well, maybe you can ask them to take it back. Work with them. Or maybe you spend the year doing things you want to do.”
I nodded, needing to get up. To move. To do something. “Would you excuse me?”
She smiled. “Do you have a boy to call?”
“I think I need to go over there. I might be able to find him before work. I need to talk to him.”
“Go get him,” said Dad.
I nodded, grabbed the keys to Dad’s old truck, and headed up to the highlands of Merlot.
When I got to Tate’s house, Perry answered the door wearing a silk vest, houndstooth trousers, and a newsboy cap.
“Is Tate here?” I said breathlessly. “Also, can I take a picture of you? I might need to use you as design inspiration.”
He grinned. “Yes, to both.” Then he stood back, let me snap a pic, and called over his shoulder, “Tate, your booty call is here!”
“Oh my god!” I yelped and shoved his shoulder. “Don’t say that!”
> But he stepped aside and let me pass. I trotted down the corridor to Tate’s room, where I hoped I could find him, Perry right behind me.
His room was empty.
“Well, I thought he was here.”
“I only have a few minutes before work.” I whipped my head around wildly. “Do you know where he went?”
“No,” Perry said. “Sorry, I don’t know where he is.”
“Well, if you see him, can you tell him to call me? It’s really important.”
He nodded. “Sure thing, girlie.”
I turned on my heel and ran back to the truck. I had to make a decision—change in the car or change somewhere at work—so I stripped quickly in Tate’s driveway, hoping no one watched, but not having enough time to care.
The white shirt slammed over my head, and I got caught in the sleeve.
“Gah!” I yelped. I shoved down my shorts and threw a leg into the black pants. Yanking them up over my ass, I got them on. I fired up the old truck and put it in reverse, driving too fast across the windy road from Sonoma over the hill to Napa. I made it just in time. I slid into a parking spot and ran up to the train, getting ready to start my shift.
“Hey!” Carly said. “Where’s the fire?”
“It’s been a crazy day,” I said. I ran to the cars, to get the tables set for the dinner service.
God. All I wanted to do was talk to Tate. I should text him, but I wasn’t allowed to use my phone while working. I needed to be responsible. I’d do my job, then find him the moment I got off work. Hopefully the wait wouldn’t kill me.
An hour and a half later, the train started to load passengers, and I waited at the sommelier’s station with Allen talking about the differences between syrah and merlot wines.
“Grapes,” I said. “They’re different grapes.”
He gave me a grin. “Good. Now go take care of our diners.”
The train started, and I headed to my car. I greeted the first table of diners, but then out of the corner of my eye, I saw a table at the end of the car with only one diner.
A familiar diner.
A diner with cornflower blue eyes and sandy blond hair.
Boy on a Train: The All American Boy Series Page 11