by Lexy Timms
“Are you feeling okay?”
She waited a minute before giving him a little nod and trying to smile.
“That’s not very convincing,” he said, putting his hand on the table, outstretched and waiting for hers to hold it.
Lillian bit her lip, thinking hard. “I had a dream.”
There we go; that’s something. He knew if he asked her too much or spoke too quickly, he would lose her, and she would shut down again. “Oh yeah?” he asked, hoping that was simple and open enough for her to talk more.
“Yeah.” Her empty eyes rested on his hand, and she timidly put hers against his palm. “It was about Amelia.”
“Was it a good dream?”
She shrugged. “I guess, in a way. It wasn’t an easy dream.”
“Easy?”
“Like, it’s never easy when someone—especially someone you care about—confronts you about all the things you’re anxious about. That’s what the dream was. Amelia was there—we were in our old apartment for a second, then it moved to my house. She sat down on my couch and was petting the cats, and she talked to me about all the negative things I feel.”
“I wish I remembered that many details about my dreams,” he said, but Lillian didn’t respond. He tried again. “What sort of negative things did she mention?”
“Just, well, a lot about you and me. That stuff was particularly hard to hear from her, because it actually has very little to do with our relationship. It was all about how I see myself, and how I let my negative feelings towards myself seep into us.” She faded away for a minute, and Cayden didn’t move, worried that he would rip her away from some insight she was having in that faraway place her mind so often went. At last she came back. “There was a lot about her, too. Mostly just grief that I haven’t let go.”
Cayden recalled their conversation in the hospital when Lillian confessed that she wished she had had the chance to take care of Amelia like she had with Andrew. His accident really wrecked her emotionally, and there was nothing he could say that could alleviate that pain for her. So, he just nodded, waiting for her to open up more.
“Of course, some stuff about how guilty I feel that I didn’t communicate with Andrew and his parents since Amelia passed. But that’s still kind of related to the grief. I mean, I didn’t call or email or visit or anything. I even moved away. Twice. Dammit, Cayden, it was like I was running away from myself. It was impossible.”
“Do you remember what she said?” he asked cautiously.
“The same thing Andrew has told me every time I apologize for it. I needed to do what I needed to do. I couldn’t process all those emotions. I barely can now. But look how everything has gotten better. She told me I need to get my mind out of the negative pool and put it in the positive one. She asked me to list ways my life is better now.”
“What did you list?”
“Andrew is still alive. I reconnected with my ‘parents.’ That kind of stuff.” She did air quotes. “I have a good house and a job that I love, because it helps people and it makes me happy. I told her a lot about you, and she smiled big.”
Cayden was beginning to get entranced. “This is starting to sound like you had a real encounter with her.”
“My dreams are really vivid sometimes,” she said sheepishly, taking her coffee mug in both hands. “I needed it, Cayden. I needed to spend time with her, even if she was telling me all the hard things.”
Her face was already lighter than it was before she started telling him about the dream, and she hadn’t even taken a sip of coffee yet. “I can tell it meant a lot to you,” he said.
“You can? How?”
“You aren’t slouching as much right now as you were a couple of minutes ago. You look more like you had ten hours of sleep and less like you had ten minutes.”
Embarrassed, she held the mug in front of her face.
He moved it away. “Don’t hide. I want to see your big brown eyes.”
She showed one eye, and he winked. Finally, she melted, and a smile touched her lips. “You know, I told her about what happened last night.”
“And?” He felt a twitch deep in his belly.
“I can’t tell you all that. It was girl talk.” A secretive expression touched her face, and quickly disappeared. “I don’t know what spurred this dream, Cayden. It’s the most vivid dream I’ve ever had about her. It was almost more real than back when we used to have hours’ long conversations in real life.”
“Maybe the photo sparked something in your mind.”
“Maybe. Probably. Yeah, likely. Andrew and I also had a long conversation about her back at home. It’s probably a combination of things, really.”
“Well, whatever it was, I’m glad that you got to have some quality time with your best friend, even if it was through a dream.” As the last words came out of his mouth, the waiter brought their breakfast. The table was filled with plates and tiny bowls of jellies and preserves. They both took deep breaths, inhaling the scent of hot pancakes and waffles.
“I didn’t think I was hungry,” Lillian said, unwrapping her silverware from the napkin.
“See? I told you. Toast never cuts it for breakfast.” Cayden bit off a piece of bacon.
“It does for me most mornings.”
“Anyone who says toast works as breakfast for them is a liar. Toast is one of those things people say they love to eat as a meal by itself because they want to be trendy and fit and hip and all that.” He drenched his pancakes in syrup. “This is breakfast. A piece of hot bread is not.”
Lillian chuckled and shook her head. “Whatever. You’re annoying.”
“I’m only telling the truth.”
“Okay.” She took a bite of waffles and moaned. “These are amazing. Try some.”
He wasted no time cutting himself a piece. “Damn, those are good. Try mine.”
“No way. Mine is already too much.” She ate for a few minutes, retreating to that unknown place. Cayden was immersed in his meal, and when she suddenly spoke he was jolted back to reality. “You know,” she said thoughtfully, “I need a getaway.”
“Getaway?”
“Yeah. I need to get away from everything for a little while. From work, home, people, everything. I need time with myself. Amelia had some good points last night. There’s a lot of emotional baggage I’m carrying, and it’s not good for me. And it’s getting into our relationship, which is bad, too.”
“I think you’re fine,” Cayden said, chewing his pancakes.
“I want you to think I’m fine, but I know that I’m not really fine inside. I need to process a lot that’s going on in here.” She tapped her chest.
He smirked. “I can help process you inside.”
“For goodness’ sake.” She rolled her eyes, but he could see that she was pleased. “Every time I try to be serious—”
“You make an accidental innuendo. I know. You’re just so innocent, Lil. You walk into it every time.”
“Would you shut up?” She stuck out her tongue.
He grinned. Happy that she was coming back, not the hollow woman who had joined him at the start of breakfast. “All right, all right. I’m just glad you don’t want to break up again.”
“I didn’t want to break up the first time, Cayden. That’s what I’m talking about. The stuff that I’m carrying into this thing here between us.” She pointed at them. “I want to be with you. I hope we don’t break up again. I want to be the best I can be, for both of us, which means it’s time to face my fears, in a way, and start letting some shit go.”
“I’ll help release some tension.”
She laughed. “You’re ridiculous.”
They finished breakfast slowly, talked over a second cup of coffee, and called a car to take them to Katharina’s house. On the way there they rolled the windows down, letting the cool breeze tousle their hair. Cayden looked at her as she stared out the window at all the passing scenes. She looked far away, but she looked peaceful. He hoped that she would feel that wa
y all the time one day.
The car turned onto Katharina’s street and Lillian suddenly asked him to stop. “We’re not there yet,” Cayden pointed out.
“I know. I just thought we could walk. It’s so pretty outside.” She smiled and opened the door. “Thank you!”
Cayden thanked the driver and climbed out, joining her on the sidewalk. “I like this spontaneity.”
“Yeah, it’s kind of liberating. The fresh air is helping clear my head. I’m going to be working in that little house all day, so I want to soak it in while I can.” Just up ahead, they saw that Katharina’s driveway gate was open just enough to walk through. “She must have left it open for us.”
Cayden looked around. “That’s weird. She’s never left it open for me.”
Lillian flipped her hair. “I’m special. Hey, before we go in, I wanted to say thank you for taking care of me last night. Usually I’m traumatized after something like that, but I’m feeling much better already.”
“It was the waffles,” he said. “There’s medicinal material inside of them.”
“That probably played a big part.” She stood on her tiptoes and kissed him. “I appreciate you.”
“You’re amazing, Lil. I’ll tell you until you believe it.” He took her hand and led her inside the gate. “Now, come on. It’s time to kick some ass today. We have work to do, and we have to make it good.”
“What’re you doing today?”
“Some more interviews, blah blah blah. The usual. Workout with Katharina right now. I’ll take you to dinner tonight.”
She smiled and opened her mouth to say something as they started up the steps to the house, but suddenly she grabbed Cayden’s shoulder and pulled him down to his knees.
“What the—” he exclaimed, but Lillian clapped her hand over his mouth.
“Be quiet,” she whispered, a silly grin on her face. “Look.”
Very slowly, they rose just enough to see through the window into the living room. Right inside, Katharina and Andrew were ferociously making out. Katharina had pinned him against the big bookshelf. His crutches had fallen on the floor.
“Holy hell!” Cayden mouthed, and Lillian giggled like a little girl. “Looks like someone didn’t go back to his hotel room last night!”
“I can’t believe it, but it kind of makes me happy!” Lillian squeezed his arm excitedly.
“They’re still going at it,” Cayden said, lowering himself to the steps again. “Dang.”
“Maybe we can do that later,” Lillian murmured, touching his cheek.
“Not in Katherina’s house. I prefer some privacy.” He chuckled. “But we can definitely make that happen.” He looked up again. “I think they’re done. She just picked up his crutches. Let’s go to the bottom step and walk up again.”
“They’ll know in an instant!”
“No, they won’t! We were completely quiet.”
“Andrew will be able to tell.”
“Because your face shows every emotion you feel?” Cayden teased. “Come on, blushy.”
THEY CRAWLED TO THE bottom step, stood up, and climbed up again, this time all the way. Lillian tried to make it sound like they had been carrying on a conversation, but could hardly contain her giggling. She’d felt so low this morning and now, everything was starting to feel so much easy to handle. Like the world wasn’t such an evil place. Andrew making out, crutches on the floor, his leg dangling... she started giggling all over again. Katharine was so proper. So Hollywood, and she was all over Andrew like bees on flowers.
“Quit laughing, Lil.” Cayden wiped the smirk off his face and knocked on the door, nudging her again.
“I can’t help it!” she hissed right as Katharina opened the door. “Good morning!”
“Hi, darlings!” she greeted. If they hadn’t just seen her in the middle of an intense make-out session, they would never have known anything just happened. Lillian wished she could hide her feelings that well. It was Hollywood actress perfect.
“How’s everything going?” Cayden asked as they followed her inside. He nodded. “Hey, Andrew.”
“What’s up,” Andrew replied from his seat on the arm of the sofa.
Lillian waved at him, and knew instantly Andrew could tell she had seen. She started giggling and tried to hide it behind her hand. Dammit, she thought. At least I gave it my best shot.
Katharina still had no idea. She took Lillian by the shoulders. “My lovely Lily of—”
“Yes,” Lillian hummed, trying to interrupt the awful nickname.
“—the Valley,” Katharina finished, staring earnestly into her eyes. “I cannot even begin to express how upset I am about last night.”
“Oh, no. Please, Katharina. Don’t be upset about it. It wasn’t your fault.”
“But there is something I can do about it. I made some phone calls last night, and I’m determined to see that woman gets what she deserves.” Riling herself up, Katharina turned away and poured some juice, muttering in her own language what Lillian assumed to be nasty insults. “I’m going to take care of it. I told Cayden last night, but I’m telling you now. No one is allowed to talk to you or Cayden like that.”
“That’s very sweet of you,” Lillian said, “but really—”
“It’s ridiculous. That she followed you. Or set this all up. It’s horrible.” Katharina groaned and stomped on the floor. “I’m so angry now. Cayden, come on. I need my workout. Now. Way too much tension built up inside of me.” Without any further words, she seized Cayden’s wrist and dragged him out of the room.
Trying not to laugh out loud, Lillian stared up at the ceiling. That tension had nothing to do with last night. More like what had happened five minutes ago. She stood a moment before turning to Andrew. “I don’t know how to handle her.”
He shrugged. “Me neither.”
“So, how was your night?” she asked, trying her best to keep a solemn face.
“Good,” he replied nonchalantly, but he was obviously nervous. “We had steak and wine here. I was the grill master, of course.”
“That sounds fun.” Master baker, too? She giggled.
“Yep,” he said simply. “You trying to make a joke? Like Masturbate?” He started laughing despite trying to stay series. “That’s bad. Real bad, Lil. And disgusting to talk to you about that.”
Lillian cleared her throat. “Then how about after dinner?”
Andrew clearly didn’t want to cover that. He cleared his throat. “Tell me about your evening.”
“It sucked. But I’d like to hear more about you and Katharina.”
“I’d like for that to remain a secret for now.” He winked.
“Did you have fun?” she whispered, like they were kids.
He raised his eyebrows and smiled. “Oh, yeah.”
Lillian gave him a thumb’s up.
“But really, I want to hear about last night. Katharina told me a little. You okay?”
“Eh. There’s not much else to say. I wasn’t expecting it. But I kind of overreacted, I think.” She poured them both some water from the expensive glass filter decanter. “She just said some horrible things about Cayden and me. Well, and me personally. Cayden got there when it was out of hand, and she was taken out of the bar.”
“Was she drunk?”
“Not even a little. She somehow knew we would be there.” Lillian shook her head. “It was horrible.” She didn’t bother telling him that all the things Sierra had said were exactly how she felt. That she didn’t feel she was good enough for Cayden. “What makes people so mean?”
“It’s not our job to understand everyone,” Andrew said, joining her at the high seats by the island counter. “Just forget it. The woman’s clearly nuts.”
Lillian leaned over and gave him a little hug. “Thanks, Andrew.”
“Are you sure you’re okay? You still seem like something else is up.”
She waved him off. “Nah, I’m okay.”
“I don’t believe you at all. No offense.�
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“You mean I’m not convincing?”
He patted her shoulder jokingly. “Love you, Lily of the Valley.”
“Gee, thanks.” She rolled her eyes and then turned serious. Andrew was like a brother. He had a right to know about her dream. “I had a really, really vivid dream last night about Amelia.”
His face solidified. “Really?”
“She was in my house, talking with me. It felt like for hours.”
“What about?”
“It’s a long story. I need to go work on the guest house. But it was mostly about a lot of negativity I have inside me. A lot about the family.”
He frowned. “Lillian, you have no reason to feel negative about all of that.”
“You say that, but when I think about disconnecting from you all for so long, taking you for granted...” she sighed. “It’s harder to get past all that than I thought.”
“You know what Amelia would have wanted?” he asked.
“What?”
“She would have wanted you to do whatever you have to do to make your life amazing.”
The words were simple, but hit Lillian right in the heart. “I guess she would have.”
He nodded. “Yeah. She wanted that for all of us. So, what you should do is whatever it takes to make your life as incredible as Amelia wanted it to be for you.”
She knew he was right.
“And you know what else? She had faith in you, and she knew how much you loved her and me and our parents. Of course, we knew how hard it was for you when she passed. She would have always known you would come back. We knew it, too. She would have understood why you went away for so long.”
Lillian felt the sting of tears touch her eyes. “You think so?”
“You knew her as well as any of us did. You were part of the family from day one when we were little, just as much as you’re family now. Nothing has changed except that Amelia just isn’t physically here with us anymore.”
“Oh!” Lillian exclaimed, pulling her phone out of her bag. “Andrew, I have to show you what Cayden did.”
“Uh, okay.”
“It’s related to Amelia. That’s what reminded me.” She opened her photos and found the one she had taken earlier this morning of Cayden’s gift. Holding her phone up to his face, she commanded, “Look at this.”