“It was all Tatum. I’m a good child.”
“You’re such a noob,” Tatum scoffs at Ollie.
“I a oob too?” Penny asks.
“No, Pen, you’re totes amazing.”
“Momma, I toes mazing,” Penny tells me, looking up at me with her big blue eyes.
We all chuckle at her interpretation. “Yes, you are,” I agree with her, giving her a squeeze.
After a while, the sugar high has ended, and Penny falls asleep in my lap. I’m running my fingers through her soft hair, trying to memorize how it feels through my fingers.
“You want me to take her inside to bed?” Travis asks, pulling me from my thoughts.
“In a little bit. I want to hold her a little longer.”
He bends down and kisses me soft and sweet. He tastes like beer and smells like fire and spice. I hum when he pulls away, already missing him.
“You need anything? Blanket, drink, anything?” He asks, squatting down next to me now, looking at our sleeping angel.
“Just your love.”
“Always, pretty girl.”
We smile at each other, taking this moment to be lost in one another. My heart breaks in the next moment when I see the shift in Travis. When he steels his jaw and recognizes this moment for what it really is – one of our last together.
“Baby, don’t,” I say, cupping his cheek.
He clears his throat. “I’m going to get you a blanket. I’ll be right back.” He stands and walks into the house.
I know he just needs a minute. All of this is hard on him. It’s hard on all of us, but it’s been especially hard for him.
A few months ago, I went for my yearly PET scan, and the results weren’t good. The cancer had not only come back but had spread to my lungs. It was advanced and aggressive. With treatment, I could have a couple years, at best. Without treatment, I’d be lucky to have six months. I chose not to pursue treatment but to enjoy my last months with my family by being present. I didn’t want to be sick and miserable again, not able to live the last of my life the way I wanted with my kids, with Travis.
Travis was mad at me for my decision at first. I knew it was more him coming to terms that we weren’t going to have forever like we wanted. That I was going to have to leave him and he’d be raising our precious little girl by himself along with a teenage girl who wasn’t his. But after some yelling and crying and lots of talking, he understood why I wanted to have a quality life instead of quantity in the end. He still wasn’t happy, but he supported me.
Ollie, of course, wanted me to try all the newest medicines and fight, but he too came to terms with things after speaking to Dr. Swartz himself about my diagnosis. Since then he’s come home as often as school will allow. He’s been my rock by my side. He’s helped Travis and Tatum understand and helped me to be as comfortable as possible. He’s made arrangements for everything for me, medically speaking. I’ve been so grateful for him.
Tatum has taken it all as best as could be expected. What can you say about a teenage girl who’s already watched her mom fight through cancer once? I think she understood the most about my decision not to pursue treatment, knowing how absent I was when I went through chemo before. I know she doesn’t want that for Penny, or herself, for that matter. She’s been awesome with Penny, helping where needed. Penny idolizes her, and I think the feeling is mutual between them. I’m so thankful that when I’m gone, Penny will still have Tatum in her life.
And my sweet little Penny. She knows that Mommy is sick and has to go away soon. Really, how do explain all this to a three-year-old? I know she’ll be confused and it’ll be hard, but I also know that she has the best dad and brother and sister who will help her to understand and talk with her. I know that they’ll make sure she knows me through their memories, which is the hardest part for me in all this. I hate the thought of my baby girl not remembering me, her momma who loved her with her whole heart and then some.
Life can be so unfair and cruel. But life can also be beautiful. And I’ve been blessed with a beautiful life and a beautiful family. What more could I ever ask for?
TRAVIS
“Travis.” I hear my name, but I’m so tired I don’t understand what’s happening at first. “Travis.” I hear again, and this time I recognize Josie’s voice. “Travis, wake up.”
“What’s wrong? You alright?” I ask. I’m awake now, panicking.
Josie has made a steady decline since Christmas. When we found out she only had months to live, I had prayed so hard that I’d get one more anniversary, Penny’s birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s Eve kiss. Now, I’m praying I’ll get to ask her to be my Valentine one more time, but it’s mid-January and she hasn’t been doing well this week. She’s been sleeping a lot more and coughing up a lot more blood.
“It’s snowing,” she says, a smile beaming on her beautiful face next to me. It hasn’t snowed yet this winter, and my girl loves the snow.
“Oh yeah? And you had to wake me up to tell me, huh?”
“I want to dance in the snow at our pond. Will you dance with me, Travis?”
I fight back my emotions before answering her. “Always, pretty girl.”
We quickly dress and pull on our boots. I scribble a note for Tatum in case we aren’t back before she wakes up. Then we climb in my truck and make our way to the pond.
On the drive, my mind wanders to all the different memories we have there. So many memories at that pond with the girl I love more than anything. Her breaking my heart, her marrying me there, dancing with her during chemo, feeding the ducks with Penny, kissing her under the stars, eating ice cream together while watching the sunset. So many moments in time that I wish I could go back and relive over and over again because once wasn’t enough.
I park and help Josie out of the cab of the truck, so she doesn’t fall on the now-slick-with-snow parking lot. We walk hand in hand to the pond that’s frozen over. The frozen grass crunches under our steps as we go.
“Dance with me, baby,” she says, looking up at me with those damn blue eyes. The ones that I’ve swum in since I was sixteen, drowned in every night for the last almost six years with her by my side.
I pull her into me, holding her tight against my chest, partly to keep her warm and partly because I never want to let go. My nose goes into her hair, and I inhale all that is Josie, the smell of lavender and honey invading my senses. Her warmth surrounds me, and I can’t imagine my life without it. It’s what keeps me whole, grounded.
We start to slowly sway together as one, in harmony as our bodies move. They always flow together, made for one another, a perfect fit.
I tilt her head up and look down at her, taking in every inch of her face. When I can’t wait any longer, I take her mouth with mine, kissing her lips deep and soft. I want to memorize what every part of her kisses feel like, every swipe of her tongue with mine, every taste of her lips and mouth.
I’m so deep in Josie, I don’t even feel it coming when the emotions that I’ve held back for months take over me. I rest my forehead on hers, and a sob rips through me, through my heart. I slide to my knees, my head against her stomach as I cry for the impending loss of the only woman I’ve ever loved and wanted.
Her fingers rake through my hair. “Shhh… It’s OK, baby. It’s OK.”
“I don’t know how to live without you.”
“But you will. You’ll go on and have a beautiful life.”
“How can I have a beautiful life when you’re the reason my life is beautiful?”
“Because I’m leaving you with our lucky Penny.”
“I can’t do this without you, Josie. I don’t know how. I need you. I need you so much,” I continue to sob, holding her tighter and tighter against me, afraid to let go.
She bends down to meet me on my knees. “Travis, don’t you see? You were what was missing from my life. Everything made sense once you were in it. Once you showed me your love. I didn’t know love until I knew you. You have so
much love to share, Trav. Share it with Penny, with Tatum, with Ollie, and when the time comes, with someone else. I’ll always be in here,” she says, placing her hand on my heart. “You’ll never lose me. Not fully.”
“I love you so damn much.”
“That was all I ever needed and wanted – your love.”
“Always. Always, always, always.”
We held each other a little longer, with the snow falling around us.
It was the last beautiful moment I got to share with my pretty girl.
She left us a few days later, and my heart broke into a million pieces.
My girl left me with the best gift though – my lucky Penny.
Epilogue
Travis
Five Years Later
“LP! Come on, we need to get going or the ice cream is going to melt,” I yell from the door, waiting for her get back to the truck.
“Coming, Daddy. Gosh, don’t get your panties in a twist,” Penny says as she runs downstairs. This girl, I swear I don’t know what I’m going to do with her once she hits teen years.
“First, I don’t wear panties; I wear underwear. And second, where did you get that from?”
“Ollie said it to Tatum at Christmas. I was waiting for a good time to use it. Now seemed good,” she shrugs. “You wear boxers or brief underwear, Daddy?”
“I am not answering that.” I shake my head, disturbed that my eight-year-old just asked me that. “Did you get what you wanted? Can we go now, please?”
“Yes. Let’s go,” she says, jumping up into the cab.
“So, what was so important that we had to risk melted ice cream for?” I ask once we’re on the road.
“You’ll see when we get there. Can we put the windows down?” I chuckle under my breath as I roll the windows down, knowing what’s coming next. “Come on, Daddy. It’s time to fly to Momma.”
“Ready, set, fly!” We say at the same time, putting an arm out the window. We snake our hands up and down in waves, feeling the wind skate over our skin.
It’s a tradition we started after Josie passed away. Anytime we go to the pond, we pretend to fly there to meet Josie. It may seem silly, but at the time, I would have done just about anything to help soothe the pain of my little girl from losing her momma.
I pull in and park the truck, grabbing the bag of ice cream before I step out. I open Penny’s door and she jumps down, taking my hand as we walk to the pond. We sit on Josie’s bench that we had put here in her honor. Just a little piece of her that we get to share with the world.
We feed the ducks and eat our ice cream while the sun begins its slow descent. “You ready to show me yet what you had to get from home?”
“Gosh, you’re impatient today. Just like a man.” She shakes her head at me. I’m guessing Tatum taught her that one. “I have a letter for you,” she says, pulling it from her back pocket. “I found it yesterday when I was looking for a movie. There were all these movies in the back of the cabinet called Friends and I thought it was Lego Friends, but it wasn’t. Anyways, this letter was between two of them. It has your name on it and looks like the ones I get from Momma.”
After Josie passed away, we found a box of letters to each of us. Most were addressed for certain times in life – when Tatum graduated high school, when Penny started kindergarten, when Ollie helped his first patient, when our first anniversary without her came around – things like that. Every now and then, I’ll find silly ones in places I least expect it, and I’m guessing this is one of those. Damn, that first letter though, broke my heart into a million pieces all over again. I clutch my chest remembering.
I smile at my late wife’s handwriting on the envelope. “Thanks, LP.”
“You’re welcome, Daddy. I figured you needed it since you’ve seemed sad lately.”
“Do I?”
“Yes, but it’s OK. I know you miss Momma. I miss her, too. Will you tell me the story about when she surprised you with the water gun fight?”
“Sure, baby girl. That’s a good one.”
I laugh to myself, thinking back. I tell Penny about how her momma surprised me that day, armed with water guns too big and too heavy for her arms to hold. How I fell more in love with her that day, hearing her laugh and play without a care in the world. How beautiful her momma looked running around in the grass, soaking wet. And how I missed her and her crazy leggings.
“Can we have a water fight inside our house?”
“No. But we can dance while the sun goes down.”
“You did that with Momma, too, didn’t you Daddy?”
“Always. I always danced with your momma when she asked.”
I pick up my daughter, her legs locking around my waist and her arms tight around my neck and we dance. I hug my lucky Penny tight, and when I take a deep breath, I smell lavender and honey, and I know Josie is dancing with us as the sun goes down over our pond.
I will love that pretty girl until the day I die.
And I will love this little girl wrapped around me with everything in me in the meantime.
* * *
Once we get home and Penny is tucked in for the night, I pull out the letter she gave me and sit on the bed, staring at it. I love Josie’s letters, but every time I read one, it means there’s one less to find in the future, and the thought of not having any letters left to find guts me.
I take a deep breath before pulling the piece of paper out of the envelope and read it.
Hey baby,
If you're reading this, then maybe you’re ready to watch our Friends again, and that’s a good thing. Oh, how I wish I could lie in bed with you, snuggle up close in your warmth and feel you laugh. Travis, I hope you do laugh. I hope you are enjoying life and our sweet girl.
How is she, by the way? Is she big now? Is she sassy like her sister or ornery like her brother? Or is she quiet, taking in everything around her like you? You always did carry the world on your shoulders. I hope you’ve learned that you can’t carry it alone. I hope that our LP is helping you see the joy in the world. I hope you two continue to joke and laugh and play so easily like you always did. It amazes me, and maybe makes me a little jealous, that you two seem to have your own little language that no one else understands. But I suppose that’s what you need. Does she still ask a million questions? I bet she’s smart. Smart like you. Does she still help you at the garage? I used to love watching you teach her what each tool was and how proud she’d be when you’d ask her for one and she’d get it right. I’m not even gone yet, and I already miss that little Penny.
Anyways, back to our show… Are you going to start at the beginning or are you going to watch one of our favorite episodes? It’s funny, I think most of my favorite episodes are with Ross. I guess I just always had a thing for Gellars. *wink, wink* Of course, the Pivot one, but the spray tan episode is a belly laugh, too. Or the leather pants one! I’m laughing as I write this. LOL!
Trav, I hope you know how much I love you.
You’re my lobster.
Because you love me.
“Always,” I whisper back to my pretty girl.
THE END
Special Thanks
First, I have to thank my hubs. Babe, this all started with you in a weird way. It started with me writing out our story for you for our anniversary years ago. From there, it grew into so much more. Thank you for putting up with me talking about books I read and characters that come into my head. Thank you for supporting me in my quest for a hobby and all the half-naked dude book covers that pop up on our joint Amazon account. And thank you for not reading my stories. I’m still not fully ready for you to be in that part of my brain. Haha! I love you in your whole face. *Mwah!*
Jenn, you were the first person I told about my books. Well, more like I thrust it at you, but still. Thank you for being supportive and helping me. I appreciate your honest feedback so much, even if you don’t read romance. *Insert eye-roll* Mostly, I have to thank you for helping me get a job where I could sit and write f
or hours. Without that, I’m sure none of this would have happened. I love you, girl!
Sophers! Girl, you have no idea how much I was sweating you reading this book. Or how ecstatic I was when you gave me play-by-plays of your feelings and snaps of your tears as you called me an asshole and the devil, I believe. You have become an unexpected friend, and I’m so thankful for you. Your notes were awesome, and I will never say or write “who all” without laughing and thinking of you again. Thank you for taking time to help me with this book. I appreciate you so, so much!
Tricia… You became a godsend! Thank you for casting your opinions, fixing my mistakes and giving me so much of your time. I’m also forever grateful that I know the difference between: Ew = gross and Ewe = female sheep. I laughed so hard at that correction description. You put me at such ease through this scary process. I am forever grateful for you! Thank you so, so much!
Jay McLean, you are the reason I write. I read Combative over 2 years ago and got completely hooked on your words and within a month or so had read all of your books out at that time. I fell in love with reading because of you. Then, I read your story of how you started in your own writing journey and it inspired me so much. I hadn’t written anything in such a long time but it ignited a fire in me to start. Thank you for being an amazing author, person and master of words.
Lastly, thank you for reading Always. This book took a lot out of me, and I’m so proud of what it turned into. I hope you enjoyed reading it even a fraction of how much I enjoyed writing it. I’m so humbled and awed anytime someone reads my words and enjoys them. Thank you for fulfilling a girl’s dreams.
Copyright ©2019 Lindsay Becs
All rights reserved
No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without prior written consent of the author except for the use of brief quotation in a book review.
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