She looked around for some warm stockings and finally found them hanging in a bag in her closet. They were thick and boring, but at least they were black. Then her attention turned to her choice of shoes. Once again, all were black, with a choice of either black lace-up boots or black lace-up flat shoes—a far cry from the stilettos she normally wore. Once she’d hunted up clean underwear and stripped off her nightgown, she looked down at her normally flat stomach and wanted to cry. Where had it gone? In its place was a flabby-looking tummy that not even a million tummy crunches and a year’s membership to a gym would fix. Doing her best to ignore the sight, she pulled on underwear, dress and stockings. Lastly, she donned and laced up her boots.
The next chore was to braid and pin her hair so it would fit under her kapp. The first model agency she’d gone to in New York City had suggested she cut her hair in a shoulder-length bob. She’d kept it like that until recently when she had it cut short into the spiky pixie style. She laughed quietly, wondering what Derek would say to that idea.
It had been years since she had pulled a brush through hair that was way past her thighs. Not only was brushing it a time-consuming chore, once it was tangle-free, she had the job of braiding it. She found bands wrapped around her hairbrush handle, and once she’d woven her hair into two long braids, one at either side of her head, she wound them carefully around her head and pinned them in place. Then she situated her white prayer kapp over the top. Wow. I forgot about doing that every day. I was much quicker at it before I left for New York.
A strange smell coming from the crib reminded her that babies needed diaper changes. She’d changed many diapers when she’d looked after babies for their mothers at meetings before she’d left the community, so at least she knew what to do.
She picked up the baby, spied some cloth diapers and went about changing him. “It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it. Your vadder has been doing everything for me this morning, so I couldn’t ask him to do it.”
“See, now you’re talking to him too.”
She looked over her shoulder to see Derek, and then she laughed. “It just seems normal to talk to him. He and I have an understanding.”
“We’ll have to enjoy him before he starts talking if he’s going to be anything like Molly.”
“Yes,” she agreed, thinking that Molly must either be cheeky or she must talk a lot. She fastened the clean diaper at the center with one large pin. “There you go, Michael. As good as new.”
“Here.” Derek stretched out his hand for the diaper. “I’ll take it down to the laundry room. And it looks like you're okay without that second cup of coffee.”
“Denke. And jah, I am okay. I got caught up in getting dressed and forgot about it.
She placed the baby back in the crib and went to find the bathroom, which thankfully wasn’t too far from the bedroom. When she was a young child, they hadn't had a bathroom in their house. A bathroom had been installed indoors when she was around ten years of age. These were all the things that had never occurred to her in her day-to-day life. Back home, she’d never thought to be grateful to step out of her bedroom into a fully functioning bathroom. She was more worried about how stylish and up-to-date it was, rather than being grateful that she had one indoors.
Once she’d used the toilet and had a quick wash, she worried about the older children. Surely they’d notice she was different and she wouldn’t remember things about them. Derek thought she was suffering memory loss, so she had to go along with that. Maybe before she even got to see them, she might be back in her other life. Then it occurred to her that she should make the most of her time with Derek and also enjoy what came with being a mother.
* * *
Heidi stayed in the bedroom, too frightened to speak to Derek in case he thought she was losing her mind.
Several minutes later, Derek poked his head through the door, giving her quite a fright. "I'm going to do some work in the barn, and I’ll call out just before we need to leave. Is that all right?"
"Yes, that's fine.” She cleared her throat. “Jah, that's fine," she corrected herself; it'd taken her a long time to forget about using Pennsylvania Dutch, and now she had to remember to use it. Jah hadn't seemed so odd, as many Americans used ya instead of yes, but the other words and phrases had drawn some pretty interesting looks until she worked them out of her speech patterns.
He smiled at her, and then said, "Can I get you anything?"
"Nee, denke. I'm fine." She’d forgotten how handsome he had been as a young man, and he looked even better and more masculine now that he was older. It seemed unfair that men looked better once they got older. Her looks had gone downhill, and she had avoided the small cosmetic investments her peers back in her real life made to keep their youthful looks.
Derek gave her a little nod and left the room. She listened to his footsteps as he made his way down each wooden step. When she heard him close the front door, she looked out the window and watched him walk to the barn. Now she was free to have a look around the place. There was something about the house that was oddly familiar and she was certain she’d been there before.
The first room she explored was the living room. It was the rough stone fireplace that looked familiar. The rough-cut stones were large and of a sandy-color, stacked one upon the other. The fireplace was topped with a large piece of dark wood forming the mantel. There was a pretty white china clock centered on it.
She sank down onto the couch, liking the way it molded to her body. Soft, but not too soft. There was a three-seater couch opposite, and one comfortable-looking arm chair beside it, with a low table in between all of them. Covering the bare floorboards was a large braided rug in muted grays and reds.
Over the back of the couch was a crocheted throw, and a pile of children's toys were stacked in the corner. A faint smell of smoke from the fireplace completed the homeyness of it all. A smiled twitched at her lips. It was a perfect room for a family to sit around the fire on cold winter’s nights, drinking hot chocolate and telling stories.
Maybe her life would've been happy if she stayed within the Amish community and married Derek. She could get used to this life if she had to, but could she really live without the modern-day basic necessities? The computer kept her connected and television was the way she wound down every night. She pressed her back into the couch and looked up at the ceiling.
Reminding herself she’d have to do a good job of fitting into this lifestyle while she remained there, she headed back into the kitchen. There she opened every drawer, every cupboard and every cabinet, and looked through the gas-powered refrigerator. As an Amish woman, she was in charge of the food, so it was good to see what they had because she’d soon be expected to cook.
She could see there were no bedrooms downstairs, so she climbed the stairs to have a look in all the bedrooms. The first bedroom at the top of the stairs contained a single bed. The room was spotlessly clean, with a sizeable blue and gray rug on the floorboards and partway under the bed. Trying to guess the age of the girl who occupied the room, she opened the closet door. She ran her hands along the hanging dresses. There were two in different shades of green and one in deep blue. Going by the size of the clothing, she figured the girl would be around seven years of age.
She closed the closet and moved to the next room. Another single bed. The clothes in that room were a little smaller. "The younger sister. There's only two of them." There had to be only two because there were no more bedrooms upstairs. After she closed that closet door, she looked around the room. It was pretty much the same setup as the other one, with the bed under the window, and a medium-sized brown and green rug on the bare floorboards. The only difference was that this room had more toys and they were stacked on a low bookcase. She crouched down to look at the toys and saw they were all intricately carved. Derek had loved woodwork, she remembered as she pushed herself to her feet. Had he made these beautiful things for his daughter?
The only other bedroom was the large b
edroom she shared with the baby and Derek.
There was only the one bathroom, but she wasn’t about to complain. At least there was one within the house. She made her way downstairs feeling like she was on an episode of Wife Swap—she was completely out of her depth, and she didn't even have a manual to see how the household ran. She'd have to make it up as she went along.
Exploring downstairs, she found the laundry room just off from the mudroom, which led off from the large kitchen. The house was adequate; no luxury items anywhere, but it suited the needs of a small Amish family.
Chapter 4
"Are you ready, Heidi?"
"I'm coming." She walked over to the baby who was still sleeping, wrapped him in an extra blanket and picked him up. He opened his eyes and looked at her and then cried. "It's okay, baby. We can have a ride in the buggy. Isn't that exciting?" He stopped crying and stared into her eyes. It gave her an uncanny feeling as a sudden rush of love overcame her. She told herself not to get attached, but she feared it was too late for that. Eventually, she’d have to leave him when she woke up, or crossed back into her other reality.
She walked downstairs with Michael in her arms and saw Derek waiting for her in his black hat and thick black coat.
"Here, give him to me while you put your coat on."
She liked the way he was so protective and caring. She handed the baby over, and while she was putting on her coat, she said, "What about a bottle for him?"
“You haven’t prepared one?”
“Nee.” She felt like a failure.
“We’ve got time.”
"Denke.” She hurried back into the kitchen remembering they’d also need to take diapers along. When she came back with a bottle, Derek gave her a curious look as she took the baby back into her arms.
“Ready?”
“Jah. Except for the diapers. I left them upstairs.”
“We’ll just use the diapers we keep in the buggy.”
“Good idea.”
He smiled at her and opened the front door. She stepped out on to the porch and he closed the door behind them. The buggy and a large black horse were waiting for them. When she climbed in, she saw it was fitted out with a heater. That was a luxury. Back when she'd left the communities very few buggies had heaters in them. She got comfortable and fed Michael his bottle.
Once they left the driveway, she looked back at the house and she knew why it was so familiar. They were living in old Mrs. Henderson's house, and it'd been extensively renovated since last time she was there. She gazed back at the road over the top of the handsome shiny black horse. His head was held high and his long mane and tail swished majestically in the cold wind as he clip-clopped along at a steady pace.
She leaned back into the leather seat and closed her eyes. It was a slow mode of transport, but she found herself relaxing. She would've allowed herself to relax even more if she hadn't been going to the doctors. This doctor probably knew her, and she would have to pretend she knew him as well and she just hoped she could pull it off.
"You're very quiet," Derek said as he looked over at her.
"I'm just relaxing. It's cozy here in the buggy."
"You're warm enough? There's a blanket in the back."
"I'm nice and warm thanks to the heater."
He chuckled. "That's good."
Many people didn’t like the bitter cold winter, but Heidi loved it. She loved being huddled warm and cozy beside a fire. She didn’t have a fireplace in her apartment as it had central heating. Nothing was as good as an open fire.
When they came into the small town, he pulled into the parking lot of the doctor’s office. She had been there before, but the doctor she’d been to would have long since retired. She was pleased, at least, that she wasn’t going to the hospital to see a doctor. It was much less intimidating to go to a small doctor’s practice.
They walked into the waiting room and as Heidi sat down with Michael, Derek told the receptionist they were there. He turned around, smiled at her, and sat down with them. His warm and easy manner always made her feel safe. "You'll be going in soon, he said. "I’ll take Michael."
Carefully she passed their baby over. She was getting used to the feel of him in her arms, but still, she didn't want to get attached. She sat there staring at the fish tank watching the goldfish making their way through the water. It reminded her about the conversation she’d recently had with Janelle about owning a pet.
That got her to thinking; when she got back to her other life would she remember she'd been in this one? Would it be like a dream that she remembered? Now that she had been in this life, would she be able to cross from one to the other? She didn't know if she could do that. She just wanted to get back to her old life where she felt like she belonged. But right now, whatever was going on, she had to do the best job she could of fitting in.
The doctor stepped out of his office. "Mrs. Miller."
She looked up to see a doctor in his fifties with wiry gray hair and thick black eyebrows. She glanced back at Derek and he gave her a reassuring smile.
“You’ll be okay. I’m just out here.”
She nodded and then headed into the doctor's office.
"How have you been?" he asked when both she and he had sat down.
"I've been a bit tired and my mind's been a bit foggy."
He nodded. "That tends to happen after a baby and even during pregnancy."
"Other than that, I'm fine."
"I'll start with checking your blood pressure." While he was taking her blood pressure, she said, "It was my husband who thought I should come to see you. I feel fine. There's nothing to worry about."
The doctor shushed her and both remained silent until he took the strap off her arm. “There. Now it's okay to talk. Your blood pressure’s fine.”
"That's good. I was sure it would be."
"Did everything go okay with the birth?" he asked.
This must’ve been the first time she’d visited him after the baby was born. "Everything went fine."
"No concerns?"
She shook her head. "None."
"When your husband made the appointment this morning, he mentioned you hit your head and suffered some memory loss."
She swallowed hard. "I was just a bit vague, that's all. I didn't lose my memory." She wondered if she was doing the right thing keeping information from him, but she was too scared to tell him the truth.
"How did you come to hit your head?"
"I fell and hit my head on one of the steps on the front porch. The stairs were wet and slippery and I was rushing to get the girls out of the rain." She shrugged her shoulders. That was all she’d been told. "That's all."
"Let me feel the bump where you hit your head."
"Okay, I guess." The doctor had her remove her kapp, and gently ran his fingers over the back of her head. She flinched "Ouch. That's a little tender."
"I'm not surprised. It feels like quite a bruise, but the bone seems intact. Were you unconscious at any time? Did you black out?”
That was a question she couldn't answer. She gave the safest answer. "No. I slept a lot afterward though, according to my husband."
He stared at her, looking confused.
“I mean, I wasn’t keeping an eye on the time, so I didn’t know how long I slept.”
He nodded, and then wrote something down. "I'm sending you to the hospital for tests. You could have a mild concussion."
"No, I won't go to the hospital."
He stopped writing and looked up at her. "You won’t?"
"Absolutely not."
"Does that have something to do with your faith?"
She nodded.
"I know some Amish people happily go to the hospital, but if you don't want to, I can’t force you."
She nodded, relieved, and she just wouldn't mention to Derek that he had wanted her to go to the hospital.
"If you start vomiting or feeling dizzy, you'll need to call an ambulance. Okay?"
"I will."
He dipped his head and stared at her from underneath his bushy black eyebrows. Heidi almost giggled because he was giving her a "Mamm look."
"I mean it, Doctor, I will,” she said. “I need to be healthy for my family."
"That's right. You need to take it easy over the next few weeks."
"I will, and the memory had nothing to do with the bump on the head. I have been a little vague. It's just that I have so much to think about, and with the new baby I've been very tired. I’ve hardly been getting any sleep."
"That's a common problem with new mothers. The best I can suggest is that you need to sleep when the baby’s sleeping."
She guessed what a new mother would say. "It's hard, because that's the only time I can get anything done."
"Relax your housekeeping standards until you catch up on your sleep."
She nodded. "I will."
"Well, that's all for today. Unless there’s anything else I can help you with?"
She sprang to her feet. "No, thank you. That's everything."
"Please remember what I said."
"I will."
She headed out to Derek feeling relieved, and was happy to tell Derek she was fine. He passed her the baby while he paid for the appointment.
On their way out of the office, he asked, "Are you sure you're fine?"
"Jah. I’m overtired and he said it was normal to be vague. He said I might have a mild concussion and if I feel sick I must call the paramedics. He took my blood pressure and it’s fine."
"Good. Do you mind if we call in on Ben’s store?"
“That’s okay.” She wondered if he was talking about Ben, his older brother, or a different Ben.
“I’ve got a few boxes of toys in the buggy for him. You do remember that I agreed to work with him for a few days leading up to Christmas?"
"That's right." She smiled at him
"Only if you’re feeling better."
"I told you, I'm fine."
"Good." A few blocks down the road he pulled up. "You might as well come in. I might be here for a while." He helped her step down with the baby, and then said, “You go on ahead.”
In Time for an Amish Christmas Page 4