by Eden Maguire
Pg1
- - -- - ---.
TI M,
Eden Maguire
Copyright 'J 2010 Eden Maguire 3
First published in Great Britain in 2010 by Hodder Children's Books
This E-book edition published in 2010
The right of Eden Maguire to be identified as the Author of this Work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright. Designs and Patents Act in 1988.
Al rights reserved. Apart from any use permitted under UK copyright law, this publication may only be reproduced. stored or transmitted, in any form, or by any means with prior permission in writing from the publishers or in the case of reprographic production in accordance with the terms of licences issued by the Copyright Licensing 4
Agency and may not be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
Al characters in this publication are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
A Catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
ISBN 978 1 844 56991 5
Hachette Children's Books
a division of Hachette Children's Books
338 Euston Road, London NW1 3BH
An Hachette UK company
www.hachette.co.uk
For my two beautiful daughters 5
Maybe none of it is true. 6
I reach the end and I wimp out: 'I woke up and it was al a dream. '
Imagine that - I made up the Beautiful Dead, the whole thing. Jonas, Arizona, Summer and Phoenix out at Foxton Ridge. I did it because I wanted them back in nay life so bad.
But there real y is no such being as Hunter the overlord, no zombiestepping out of limbo back to the far side nothing except me and my crazy, grief-fuel ed brain.
I play Summer Madison's song as I drive a winding road, late-spring aspens rising silver and green to either side.
'I love you so, But it was time to go. You spoke my name, I never came, Cause it was time for me to go. '
He's dead, I tel myself Beautiful Phoenix, every day you break my heart. Your eyes stare into mine but not real y. You hold my hand and it's cold as death.
'You spoke my name, I never came, Cause it was time for me to go.
I drive into the mountains. The roof is down, I feel the wind in my hair. Mid-May and the aspen leaves shake and shimmer in the breeze. Hot sun bakes my face and the sandy soil, the dirt track crunches under my tyres. I hit a sudden hol ow, the CD jumps and sticks 't-t-time for m-me to go ... press the 'Of' button. Where am I heading? Who do I hope to see?
Half a mile from Foxton Ridge I brake suddenly. The engine stal s.
I'm half a mile from Angel Rock and that steep dip into the hidden val ey,7
where the spring meadow surrounds the empty barn and the old ranch house. Scarlet poppies sing and zing in the fresh green grass, a wave of wind rol s through and sighs up dust in the deserted yard.
In the silence after the engine cuts out I 'in unable to act. I sit trapped by invisible threads of memory and hope.
We never needed to talk, Phoenix and me. I would look into those greyblue eyes and know just know what he was thinking. I remember the way he would push his dark hair clear of his forehead, once, twice, three times, without knowing he was doing it. And I would lift my hand to do it for him, then he would smile. That smile - raised higher on the right-hand side, uneven, quirky. The love light in his eyes.
Inside my silver memory cocoon I sit. Should I reach out and turn on the engine? I see myself coming to the end of the track, getting out of the car, walking into the shade of the rusting water tower and pausing to gaze down at the barn. The barn wil cast a long shadow across the yard. The door wil hang open. Nailed above the door wil be the moose antlers. Beside it, and in the old corral beyond, pure blue columbines wil stand out amongst dark, straggly thorn bushes. No footsteps wil disturb decades of untrodden dirt; no movement, no sound.
I know I've done this so many times.
Once, twice, three times I walk down to the barn and peer inside. 'Be here!' I breathe.
My heart batters my ribcage.
Four, five, six times I make out spiky farm tools stacked in a corner,
horse halters hanging like nooses, an avalanche of decaying straw. 8
Seven, eight tines I turn away. Maybe in the ranch house? 'Be here! I
cross the yard and step up onto the porch. The old boards creak, I press my face to the windowpane. 'Be here!'
Nine, ten times the stove is there, the table and rocking-chair, the plates on the rack. And undisturbed dust. I don't even try the door - I know it's bolted on the inside.
Twenty times I've gone through this ritual of hope.
Now the rocking-chair wil rock, now the plates wil be taken down from the rack, a fire wil heat the stove. Someone wil come down the stairs and into the tiny kitchen - stern, serious Hunter, who built this place a hundred years ago and who died here, wil throw another log on the fire, he wil turn to speak to someone in the shadows. A tal figure wil step out. I know every inch of this person the broad shoulders, the thick dark hair, high forehead and lopsided smile. Now I wil whisper his name. Phoenix. '
I can 't do it, I tel myself this twenty-first time.
I sit in my car for a whole hour. Deer walk out from under the aspens. They lower their heads and graze. High in the blue sky a plane gleans silver, smal as an insect.
One more disappointment and my heart wil stutter to a halt.
Phoenix is dead and gone for ever, along with Summer Madison, Jonas Jonson and Arizona Taylor. The Beautiful Dead are imagined.
I switch on the engine, reverse down the track, turn and head back to the
highway-
9
Wednesday, I drove to school with conjoined Jordan and Lucas. These days they're the real deal, can't keep their hands off each other, limbs permanently intertwined and I' m jealous.
I was sitting in the back seat, recal ing how Phoenix and I used to be the same way.
'Darina, what happened to your car?' Jordan asked, letting go of Lucas just long enough to turn around and ask the question. 'Did Brandon take it back?'
' Yeah, but only for a service.' Shiny red, creamy leather girl-mobile with a fold-down top gift of Phoenix's big brother, Brandon Rohr. 'It feels like someone amputated a leg.'
'When do you get it back?' Lucas wanted to know.
I'm amazed by Lucas. Six months ago, he was the shy guy in the corner. It's like Clark Kent going into the phone booth and coming out with a cape and a six-pack. New-look, bulked-up Lucas doesn't hide - he stares you right in the eye, even through the overhead mirror.
'Friday,' I muttered.
'So I'l give you a ride home,' he offered as he pul ed into the school car park.
'Thanks.'
'Hey, Darina, I'm thinking about cutting my hair.' Jordan got out of the car and tossed her luscious dark locks back from her face.
'Don't,' I advised. 'Your hair is your best feature.'
'Just this much?'
,oh yeah, that much cool.' 'Are you letting yours grow?'
'No, I have an appointment with my hairdresser Monday.'
My hair isn't my best feature. If I have one, it would be my eyes -
definitely according to Phoenix. I wear a lot of kohl and mascara so people notice. I think I knew from the age of seven I was never going to be the floaty-hair type.
I spotted Hannah down the corridor and left the love birds to it. 'Hey,' I
said.
Hannah waited for me to catch up. 'What happened to you?' 'When?'
'Yest
erday evening. We were at the pool, remember.' 10
'I forgot.'
Not real y. I'd looked out at the sun and blue sky and knew I wasn't in bikini mood. I could've driven out to Foxton instead but decided against that too, in case it turned out to be another lonely, wasted journey. ('It's a great evening. How come you're not going out?' my mom, Laura, had asked. I'd offered no answer, only my sul en stare.)
'Zoey was there, poolside.'
'Cool. How's she doing?' We turned into the classroom, which was almost empty.
'Good. She plans to be back in school ful time in the fal .'
Talking and paying attention takes a lot of energy when al you want to
do is not be there. As a matter of fact, I didn't think I would make it through the day.
'She'l repeat the year. Her physical therapist says that swimming is the best workout for her, better even than horse-riding.' Hannah didn't care that I'd slumped down at my desk and was faking concentration on my laptop. 'It strengthens her leg muscles - the ones she stil needs to work on. She's put on a little weight, which is a good thing, but she stresses about it being too much, and Jordan and I kept saying she's stil a size zero so no way.'
I glanced tip from my computer. For a split-second I saw Phoenix across the room.
'You're home early.'
Laura has a knack of turning everything into an accusation.
'Yeah, major criminal offence.' I wanted to flounce out of the kitchen and slam the door.
'How did you get here?' 'I have legs.'
'You walked?'
'Yeah, Mom W-A-L-K-E-D.' I'd hung in there at school for as long as I could, looking for Phoenix round every corner, down the corridors, out the main entrance, along the street, in the coffee shop in the main shopping mal . He didn't show up after that nano-glimpse in the classroom, over in less than the blink of an eye.
Enough to fal in love with the beautiful ghost in the corner al over again.
But now Laura was in the mood for talking. T-A-L-King. She had that
serious, I-know-how-you-feel expression. She didn't, of course. How could'
she? She hadn't lost a boyfriend in a gang fight and never found out who had pushed the knife between his shoulder blades. She didn't commune with the dead.
'Darina, it's almost a year.'
Don't say that! Don 't remind me!
'The anniversary it's gonna be tough.'
My mom thinks I'm total y screwed up. She wants me to be over Phoenix, has even talked about us moving out of El erton, away from the memories. My stepdad, Jim, says we can relocate anywhere, he can base his job in any city in the entire country. They cal ed in a realtor to put the house on the market. Luckily no one's buying.
'You could see Kim Reiss again,' Laura suggested.
'Been there, got the T-shirt.' My last therapy session had been in early spring - the start of April. I was always surprised that I liked Kim, but stil not enough right now to go back.
'It'l help you over the twelve-month hurdle.'
I was seconds away from door-slam time. 'No, Mom, it won't.' Seeing a therapist wasn't on my anniversary list, where there was actual y only one item to find the courage to get back out to Foxton before it was too late.
' Please, honey at least think about it.'
I I step into that barn one more time and Phoenix isn't there ... If I try the door to the ranch house and it 's locked ... my heart stops dead.
' Darina?'
I shook my head and took the stairs two at a time. I threw myself down on my bed, pul ed the pil ow over my head.
Love doesn't end just because I'm not around.
It's Phoenix's voice I hear this time, even though I can't see his face.
Every time you think of me - that's love. Every sunset. Every diamond drop of water in Deer Creek. That's love.
The car came back on Friday, valeted outside and in. Brandon showed up a few minutes later.
'It's got new front tyres,' he told me, plus he'd made sure the service
guys delivered it personal y right to my door. 12
I was alone in the house. You want a coffee?' 'Beer.'
I raided Jim's stash in the garage - the local y brewed stuff he keeps for special occasions. Brandon stayed outside on the porch. Here's the thing with Brandon - like him or loathe him, you can't ignore him. It's a physical aura, not muscle and bone exactly, more a strong, dark presence.
His eyes suspect everyone and everything.
'How's your mom?' I asked, for something to say. Crap - why hadn't I just taken the car keys from him and said thanks and goodbye?
He shook his head, dismissing the question like a wet dog shaking water from its back.
And Zak?' Dig a hole then dig it deeper. Actual y, I knew Zak had recently been excluded from school.
Beer can in hand, Brandon took a deep breath. 'My family is doing great, Darina. My mom, my brother - thank you for asking.' He does sarcastic better than most.
'OK, sorry.'
Back to the Brandon aura - he gives off the impression that he's
invincible, ten times stronger than the next guy, a hundred times tougher,
with no chinks in his armour. Then there's the rumoured links with the
El erton drugs gangs, the Harley parked by the kerb, and the leather jacket.
'So your car's good for another twelve months,' he told me as he stood the empty can on the rail. ' Cal me if you need anything.'
You have to understand - he didn't say it because he cared, but because he'd sworn to Phoenix as Phoenix lay dying that he'd take care of me. It's a sense of family honour so strong that I'm guessing Brandon would rather die himself than break that promise.
'I don't need anything.'
He stared at me. His eyes were nothing like his brother's so my heart didn't thump and jump like it did when Brandon smiled, because his mouth was the same.
'Only for Phoenix to stil be here,' I confessed. The quick smile hanging off the end of Brandon's intense stare dragged the comment out of me.
Weak moment, black mark, Darina.
Brandon shut off the smile, raised his eyebrows and shrugged. He rod( 1 3 off on his Harley.
I turned and went into the kitchen. Phoenix sat at the table, watching me. I gasped, closed my eyes, opened them and he was gone.
Every time I got behind the wheel of my car, ninety-nine per cent of me
longed to turn it towards Foxton.
'You want to play tennis?' Hannah asked next day. She'd driven along my street, tennis bag at the ready.
'Are you crazy?' I hadn't picked up a racket in three years - didn't she
know that?
'Hitting practice would be good - let out some aggression,' said blonde
Hannah, sleek and long-legged in her white tennis skirt.
'I have no aggression,' I argued and turned my back.
'Who drank my special beer?' Jim was standing in the porch holding up
the empty can that I'd left there on purpose from the day before to annoy
him.
The weekend passed and I didn't even make it into school on Monday. I sat in my room ignoring text messages from Hannah and Jordan, checking my
calendar as if I didn't already know that it was eleven days.
MADE APPOINTMENT WITH KIM. A message came through on my phone from Laura. WEDNESDAY 4.30 P.M.
I cal ed her back. 'What part of "No" don't you understand?'
Three hundred and fifty-four days since Phoenix was kil ed. Eleven more and the year was up.
HAIRDRESSER TODAY, 3.00 P.m. Laura texted a reminder. That's almost two decades of running my life for me.
I showed up at the hairdresser's because I was going nuts staying in my room.
'Hey, Darina.' A lipstick smile and a waft of scented
shampoo/conditioner/hairspray greeted me as I opened the door. Warm air, lilac and silver wal s, the drone of driers. 'Go through. Kristal is ready for you.
You real y have to trust y
our hairdresser with her pointy scissors. Kristal hadn't cut my hair before today, so I had to tel her how I like it to look -
chin-length, straight, choppy. I hoped she was giving it her ful attention.
She shampooed and towel ed, sat me down in front of her mirror, knew
from the look on my face not to ask me questions about my day. With my
wet hair combed back and sticking to my scalp I looked al of eight years old.
Half an hour later, moussed and sprayed, I was saying thanks and meaning it. I now looked old enough to drive - Kristal could cut my hair whenever she liked.
And soon I was driving out of town through Centennial, fol owing the route Jonas had ridden with Zoey on the day he crashed, thinking only about the Beautiful Dead. Summer was singing on my sound system, her angel voice living on. And Arizona was in my head, not directly tel ing me that I was letting Phoenix down but the truth was coming through because she couldn't hide the disappointment she felt. Arizona always told it like it was.
'I can't do it!' I whispered. My hands on the steering wheel were white at the knuckles, the skin stretched tight. 'I don't have the courage!'
You were there for me, Arizona-inside-my-head said. You saved my immortal soul. And let's face it, Darina, you didn't even like me.
'That's why.'
So now the opposite. You can 't save Phoenix because you love him too much and always wil ? You're tel ing me that's why you haven't the courage to help him?
'Yes. Because, what if I fail?'
Don 't think that way. Believe in yourself
'Eleven days.' I don't know if I even whispered this out loud.
Eleven days then his time is done.
'I go to Foxton and he's not there. I look everywhere he's never there.' Look again, says Arizona-in-my-head.
'I can't I'm too afraid!'
I turned the car down a side street, away from the interstate and the
Foxton junction. Across the street, standing in front of a picket fence, under a white blossom tree, I see Phoenix. He's watching me, waiting for me to come.
'You don't go out. You don't see anyone any more.' Laura was on my case again.
Silence from me. I'd fixed my hair so it didn't look like I'd just walker' 5 out of the salon. Jim wasn't home from work yet, so Laura had free range. She sat beside me at the kitchen table. 'I see you have some down time. Why not cal Jordan, find out if she wants to watch a movie?'