Beautiful Dead 04 - Phoenix

by Eden Maguire

  Ever since I first went out to Foxton and found the Beautiful Dead, some part of me has wished it could be over. For twelve whole months I've fought for them with every atom of myself for Jonas to be released and to give Zoey her life back, for Arizona and Raven, her damaged and gifted kid

  brother, for pure-hearted Summer who lived for music.

  I do it - I rescue them and set them free, yet my heart doesn't bean smoothly. In my mouth I carry the taste of death and ashes.

  In the end there's no one to turn to. I see myself walking a hard, straight road to nowhere. The trees are burned and black, the steep hil s and rocky horizons are desolate.

  'It's a dream,' Phoenix whispers, and I wake.

  It was the middle of the night, my window was open and the white

  curtains bil owed towards us.

  Phoenix lay down beside me. 'There is no road. You're not alone.'

  For a while I said nothing. I thought back through the day just gone to the fight in Sharon's house, to the knife in Zak's hand, the broken mirror and the blood running down Michael's arm.

  I recal ed the way Sharon had looked. In the street, in a room ful of people hers is not a face you would normal y notice - she has smal , tight features, her grey eyes are heavy-lidded and guarded. But today in her hal way, she was different. Lit up by anger, with colour in her thin cheeks, her jaw and mouth set in firm lines, she seemed stronger than her exhusband and her two sons, for al their muscle.

  'Al her life, that's the way she's had to be.' In the dark, lying beside me, Phoenix read my mind.

  'It's no good - no way wil she talk to me now.' I sighed. 'You should tel Hunter what happened. Tel him we have to think of another plan.'

  'He wants to know what Zak told you,' Phoenix whispered.

  I rol ed and reached across him to turn on the lamp. The soft yel ow light cast deep shadows across his pale, beautiful face. 'Who did he send to spy on me this time?'

  'Dean. He saw you and Zak leave the house but he couldn't get close

  enough to hear.'

  Biting my bottom lip, I lay back against my pil ow and stared up at the ceiling.

  'Did Dean tel you how come Michael left the house covered in blood?

  How Brandon got the cut on his face? Did he tel you about Zak and the

  kitchen knife?'

  This was al news to Phoenix. He put together the pieces and jumped to

  the wrong conclusion. 'You're saying that Zak-'

  'No, don't panic. Michael and Brandon fought. They broke a mirror53 There was glass everywhere.'

  He swal owed hard and sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed so that his back was to me. 'Darina, if you want to give up on me and my lousy family, I won't blame you.'

  I sat up beside him. 'They don't do too much talking, do they?'

  'The Rohrs have short fuses,' he admitted. 'No one stops to think.'

  'Or listen to what other people have to say. And I thought my family was bad that way.' I turned to catch Phoenix in profile, head down.

  'Some days it was like living in a war zone,' he muttered. 'First, when I was a little kid, my dad and mom were always fighting. Then it was Brandon and Mom. As soon as I grew old enough, aged ten, I took every chance I could to walk out of there. I didn't care where, just so long as I didn't have to stay in the house.'

  Little lost kid roaming the streets. 'Hey, look at me,' I whispered. Phoenix didn't respond. 'Look at me!'

  Slowly he turned his head. *I guess Mom told Dad a lot of bad stuff, back at the house?'

  I nodded. 'She wanted to know where he was when Brandon went to the

  correctional facility, when you got excluded from school in Cleveland ...'

  'You heard it al ?'

  'It's OK. It doesn't make any difference to the way I feel.'

  'Sure?' There was a knot of doubt between his eyes, as if he was waiting

  for me to back off now that I knew the worst about him.

  I studied his face. 'Did you real y punch a kid during a footbal game?'

  Phoenix blinked and the frown deepened. 'Luke Missoni. He threw the

  first punch from behind. I went down in the dirt, and while I was down he kicked me in the ribs.'

  'They didn't see that?'

  He shook his head and ran his hand through his hair. The stray lock at the front swung back across his forehead. 'Missoni lied about it later.'

  'I believe you.' Relieved, I raised my hand and pushed the lock back again, deciding that this was the moment to release my guilt avalanche .S4

  'There's something else. Sharon told Michael that the fight at the gas station started because of me. You pushed into the line ahead of a kid cal ed Nathan because you knew I was waiting at Deer Creek. You punched him in the jaw.'

  Tel me it isn 't true, let me off the hook. Give me another version that doesn't involve me, like the fight on the footbal field. But that would have been too easy - for Phoenix to have perfect recal of events leading to his death. The fact that he couldn't was the whole reason we were here.

  He looked down. 'No way. Where did Mom get that idea?'

  'Nice try,' I sighed. I didn't have to be a mind-reader to know he was lying. 'You don't remember anything about the Nathan incident, do you?'

  Shaking his head, Phoenix stood up and walked to the open window,

  where he gazed out at a black, cloudy sky. He seemed to be weary of a

  weight he carried, of the confusion, the fight, the blade, the blood.

  'Something else I learned today,' I went on. 'Zak told me he was at the gas station with you that night.'

  Phoenix stood silently in the shadows.

  'Was he? Do you remember that part?'

  The answer, when it came, was slow and unsure. 'Let me think it

  through. I guess I remember leaving the house. For some reason I was late

  Mom wanted me to run an errand, she needed cash from the ATM machine. Then she said would I drive Zak to a buddy's house in Forest Lake? I didn't want to do that I was already running late, plus I was out of gas.'

  'Keep going,' I urged as Phoenix ground to a halt. We were reaching the limit - soon everything would col apse into a huge black void. This happens with al the Beautiful Dead - when they get close to the point of dying there's a big hole in their memory, as if the trauma of that sudden, violent moment of leaving this life turns their brain cel s to mush. 'Did you lose the argument with Sharon? Did Zak get in the car with you?'

  He nodded. 'I planned to get gas then drive him out to Forest Lake. Then it was back to Deer Creek to meet you.'

  'Gas first?' We needed to be clear. 'So Zak was there.' SS

  'I guess.'

  But you don't remember clearly? Listen, that's OK. We assume you two left the house together. But if Zak was there al along, why didn't he say so before now?'

  'Because!' Phoenix said quietly.

  'Keeping quiet was your mom's idea,' I guessed. 'She wanted to keep his name out of it. It was bad enough that Brandon was being interviewed by

  the cops.' Mother tiger protects her cubs. Quietly I went to stand beside

  him. We stared out of the window at the clouds drifting clear of the moon. 'I'l talk to Zak again,' I decided. 'Somewhere, deep down, I get a feeling that he's on my side.'

  Jacob Mil er wasn't a kid you would normal y want to spend time with. As

  soon as he hit funky fourteen, he stopped washing and started shaving and

  piercing. He doesn't change his clothes more than once a month and his hair is so short you can see every bump and dent in his Neanderthal skul . But next day I went looking for him after school.

  'Jacob, I need Zak Rohr's number,' I began, skipping the 'Hey, how're you doing?' and 'Good, thanks,' preliminaries. We were out in the school yard, close to the janitor's office, huddled under an awning because the clouds from last night stil hung low over the mountains and had turned to slow rain.

  Jacob stared at me like I was the one who'd crawled from under a
stone. 'Zak's number?' I said again.

  You couldn't print his answer, only that it ended with the words 'cradlesnatcher'. A couple of kids from his class were standing nearby and they let out croaky hyena laughs.

  'OK, but this is important.' I kept my voice steady. 'When do they let him back in school?'

  'Who's asking?' Jacob's little gang gathered round, fixing on me as the after-school entertainment. I saw his sidekick, Taylor Stafford, lurking in the background. Remember Taylor, Jacob and Zak were involved together in the smal matter of arson earlier in the year.

  'I'm asking, Jacob. Now do me a favour, tel me where I can find Zak.'

  'That would be a no,' Jacob grunted, sticking his fists deep in his lov sG slung jeans pockets.'

  'N-0, no,' Taylor echoed, stepping forward and getting right in my face. Taylor is marginal y less nasty than Jacob, but then that isn't too much of a stretch.

  I refused to back off. 'Where does Zak hang out? Are you going to tel me or do I waste my time hanging out on his street corner until he shows up?'

  I got a second unprintable reply then Zoey interrupted our cosy chat. I guess she thought, rightly, that I needed rescuing from this bunch of goril as.

  Darina, you missed a great movie!' she breezed from the driver's seat of her shiny black SUV - a recent gift from her dad for coming through her surgeries and months of physical therapy. 'Get in,' she invited, leaning across to open the passenger door.

  I didn't want to disappoint her. Besides, Zak's buddies were quickly

  sliding out of control with the abuse and physical intimidation. 'Thanks,' I sighed, sinking into the black leather seats.

  'Do you have time to drive out to Turkey Shoot with me?'

  'I have an hour.' Glancing over my shoulder, I saw a single red rose wrapped in cel ophane, resting on the back seat. Turkey Shoot Ridge was where Jonas crashed his Harley a trip back there would be a pilgrimage for

  Zoey.

  She nodded. 'Good. We can talk while we drive.'

  Talking meant Zoey taking care of me, checking that I was doing OK as Phoenix's anniversary drew near. 'You look wrecked,' she began as we drove out through Centennial. 'I guess you're not sleeping.'

  'Not a whole lot.'

  Twelve months is coming up. Look at it one way, it feels like a lifetime. Look again, and it just happened yesterday.'

  it hurts the same, if that's what you mean.'

  I know. I stil walk into school and expect to see Jonas sitting with

  Lucas and Christian. I swear he's there. Then I blink and he's gone.'

  'I see Phoenix,' I murmured. Real y, I do!

  'But somehow it's not hurting me any more,' Zoey explained, taking a

  turn down a quiet residential road. 'I can drive this street where Jona S7 picked me up that day and now I'm not in pain. Rather, I remember how sunny it was, how great he looked, how he smiled at me in that special way

  when he pul ed up at the kerb.'

  I told her I was glad to hear it. 'Getting through the anniversary, watching the procession out of town to Turkey Shoot - was that tough for you?'

  She thought a while. 'I was real y not expecting to get through it like I did. But you recal what happened just before - when I was out in the stable yard that time with Merlin and Pepper, and I felt Jonas came to see me to tel me he was OK, that he loved me and I should live my life knowing that? It sounds weird now, doesn't it?'

  'I remember,' I murmured. 'And no, it doesn't sound weird.' If I'd done one whol y selfless thing this past year, it had been to argue with Hunter to let Beautiful Dead Jonas visit Zoey one last time.

  'You have to know the same thing - that Phoenix total y loved you,' Zoey confided.

  He did, right from the start I'm certain of that.

  In the beginning.

  You dropped this. ' Phoenix Rohr picks up my silver bracelet and hands it to me. His fingertips touch my palm.

  It's Hannah 's sixteenth birthday party, at her big house next to the bank in the centre of town. I've been hanging out with Logan, acting as if I don 't need or like anyone in the whole universe. We're talking fifteen, sixteen months ago, when I was hyper-uncomfortable in my own skin, hiding behind

  the biggest new thing in fashion, hair, cosmetics.

  'Thanks, ' I mumble, bending my head, struggling to re fasten the bracelet.

  'Let me, 'Phoenix offers.

  I hold out nay arm, watch his fingers deal with the delicate clasp. Honestly, it feels like an electric shock as he touches my wrist. He feels it too, clips the tiny hook through the loop then quickly drops his hands to his sides, looking down and away.

  'Thanks, 'I say again. I twist my wrist and shake the bracelet to check it's secure.

  'Cool party, 'he says. 'Yeah.,

  'Looks like everyone made it.'

  'Except Christian. He's out at Foxton with his dad. '

  It feels like the lame conversation is about to die from lack of air. Inside I'm kicking myself for being so dumb. I mean, I've had Phoenix Rohr on my radar ever since he arrived at El erton High, he's so total y beautiful. Every day my eye secretly seeks him out at the end of corridors, across classrooms, at the mal , the movies, at coffee bars. Along with a hundred other girls.

  Phoenix ask Darina to dance, why don' 't(you!' Hannah yel s across the room, above the music, loud enough for everyone to hear.

  I see fear freeze his features and I almost die. 'Ignore her!'

  I mutter.

  'I don 't dance, 'he mumbles. 'Me neither.'

  'You want to get out of here?'

  Surprise question - delayed response. Eventual y I nod and fol ow him

  out of the bright, noisy house onto the dark, silent street.

  Walk?' he asks.

  So that's what we do, Phoenix and I, on that first night - we walk the

  streets of El erton.

  At first we don't say a lot, but Phoenix takes my hand, glances at me, grins, walks on. My heart thumps in my chest, I can't believe what's happening. And it's weird; I remember so wel the physical sensations the first shock of his fingertips brushing my wrist, the surge of adrenalin when he held my hand, the coolness of the night air against my hot skin without recal ing exactly what we said. I remember shop windows, brightly lit, dark avenues of trees, pools of lamplight. And the loveliness of Phoenix close up.

  'I waited a long time to do this, 'he tel s me at last, leaning in, tilting his head to one side, kissing me.

  That first kiss, that soft, warm touch. Warm. Alive.

  Zoey and I were clear of the city streets, driving the interstate up into the mountains. 'Come back to me, Darina,' she urged. 'Honestly, you're strong. You can get through this.'

  I leaned my head back against the head rest, watched the wiper blad(fi9 swish to and fro. 'I'l tel you one thing that real y is weird, and that's the way our friendship has switched around. It used to be me comforting you.'

  Zoey smiled as she pul ed up at the roadside shrine to Jonas - a smal pile of faded roses and lilies. She turned and reached back to pick up her crimson rose, stepped out of the car and placed Jonas's flower beside the others. 'That's what friends do,' she replied. Soft rain fel on the rose. 'You took care of me. Now I take care of you - simple.'

  Half an hour later I pul ed up outside Kim's office, guarding myself against the old temptation to sit in the oatmeal-coloured chair and confess everything. I m over that, I thought. The Beautiful Dead are real. I want to spend every last moment I can with Phoenix.

  AM SEEING KIM, I texted Laura then turned off my phone.

  I walked up the path lined with low, clipped hedges, through the glass doors into Kim's primrose-yel ow room.

  I never met any professional as good at her job as Kim Reiss - not teachers, doctors, anyone. She sits in one chair, me opposite, with a low coffee table in between. Today there's a glass bowl fil ed with smal rocks and pebbles on the table, obviously there for a reason. Don 't get me playing sil y games, I think sul enly.

  Kim on
ly smiles at me and I'm clay in her hands. She can wipe away my

  suspicion and mould me any way she wants. 'I want you to choose some

  stones,' she explains. 'Find one that fits your mood right now.'

  I'm feeling calm so I choose a smooth, cream pebble. I weigh it in my palm.

  'Now choose ones that fit other aspects of the way you feel. Tel me what they represent.'

  For a second I'm backing off again, tel ing myself no, I'm not playing. Then I glance up at her. She has clear grey eyes, a long face with a mysterious scar on her cheek, a mouth where a gentle smile hovers. I cave in. OK. This tiny white stone is me when I m scared, this sharp black lava stone is for when I m angry and blaming myself, this crystal quartz with the light reflecting from it reminds me of Phoenix ... I set them in a row on th(10 low table.

  'Pick up the smal white one,' Kim tel s me. 'Describe it to me.'

  'It's me when I'm scared. You wouldn't notice that it has a hole right through the middle.'

  She looks at me, waits for more.

  'I put it back in the bowl and it easily gets lost.'

  'You think people don't see that you're frightened?' I blink and look out of the window. 'I don't let them.'

  'They see anyway,' Kim says gently. Then she moves on to my big black guilt-and-anger stone.

  Al of which leaves me feeling like I matter until I walk out to the car park and bump into Jim talking to Henry Jardine.

  Jim's job is to sel and fix computers. He'd been working in an attorney's

  office next door to Kim. I just have to glimpse my stepdad for the big old black stone to come hurtling out.

  'Are you checking up on me?' I muttered. 'I already texted Laura to say I kept the appointment.'

  'How did it go?'

  I shrugged then switched on the smile for the deputy sheriff. 'Hey, how are you doing?'

  'I'm good, thanks. I was tel ing Jim here about a fly-fishing contest in June. It so happens I'm carrying a spare entry form in my car.'

  While Jardine went off to fetch the form, I insisted on letting Jim know that my session with Kim was a success. 'We played with pebbles.'

  'Pebbles?'

  'Yeah, and rocks.' Let him think that Laura paid good money for pre-

  school activities. The deputy sheriff was soon heading back with a sheet of paper and I was already out of there.