by LL Collins
Devin took control, and she was relieved. She was tired of being in control. He pushed her back against the wall in the hallway, right outside of their room. Their room. She had just thought that. She noticed that he was gentle, even though he was wanting to be anything but. He lifted her shirt, throwing it behind him as he took in her white lace bra. Dipping his head, he kissed her in between her full breasts as his hands worked simultaneously on her button of her pants. Shoving them down her hips, he took in her matching white thong underwear, and he stepped back.
“My god,” he murmured. “Rachel. I know I’ve seen you this way, and I’ve been helping you with dressing and showers, but this … this is different. It’s like I’m seeing you for the first time, all over again. You’re exquisite.”
Rachel smiled, feeling like the most wanted woman in the world. She didn’t feel her scar, where the gunshot would always be a memory. She didn’t feel her sore ribs or weak arm. She felt like … herself. It was time to show him how much better she really was.
Stepping closer to Devin, she pulled his shirt off, her eyes scanning the broad expanse of his chest and arms. She loved looking at him. Her eyes followed to the buckle of his pants, and she kissed down his chest as she undid them and helped them join her clothes on the floor. He stood in front of her in his white boxer briefs, a stark contrast to the olive skin of his torso and legs. He was mouth-watering. Being careful to not be too rough, he pulled her to him, his hands roaming her backside, kneading and exploring. He unhooked her bra and flung it away from them, cupping her breasts in his large hands.
She wrapped her legs around him as he walked backwards with her, into the bedroom. She could feel him against her as they moved, and her eyes rolled back in her head.
“Dev,” she whispered. He settled her gently on the bed, his dark eyes hooded. “Make love to me.”
He leaned backwards, sliding her panties off and flinging them to the floor, followed by his boxer briefs. For the first time in so long, they were naked together. “Are you okay?”
Rachel closed her eyes, knowing he was asking because of him. Justin. She couldn’t let him into this, or that would be the end. She forced her eyes open. Devin’s handsome face came into view, looking at her with a combination of lust and concern, and her heart stuttered. Desire surged through her veins, and just like that, Justin was gone. Instead of answering, Rachel reached down and took him in her hand. He rubbed against her, silk over steel, then used one hand to touch her. Arching her back, she let the sensations of him touching her, caressing her take over, washing away the times she had been touched like this against her will. She felt every single touch with a renewed sense of what it felt like to be loved, cherished. Where his fingers touched her, she felt warmed, soothed. Like he was taking away the pain of her ordeal. She had done this countless times over the last several years, with people she didn’t care to remember. But nothing, absolutely nothing, compared to the feeling of the man that you worship, love doing it.
Tears leaked from her closed eyes without warning, and she felt Devin stop immediately. Opening her eyes, she smiled, a small giggle escaping from her lips.
“I’m okay,” she whispered, tracing her fingers along his vee. “I’m just overwhelmed. This is how it’s supposed to feel.” Those words, they were there again, just under the surface. She willed herself to say them, she opened her mouth to say them, but it just wouldn’t come.
“Rachel,” Devin groaned, resuming his assault on her senses. “I need to be inside you, right now. Are you okay with that?”
She bit her lip, lifting her hips so she could rub herself against him. “More ready than I’ve been for anything in a really long time.” Devin’s eyes flashed, and he leaned over, intertwining their fingers together as he pressed at her entrance.
“I’m safe,” Devin whispered into her ear, and she shivered. She wasn’t sure exactly which meaning he meant by saying that, but she’d take all of them. She knew he was. She had never felt safer in her life. Turning her head, she met his eager lips, and they hungrily sucked on each other’s lips and tongues as he pushed himself gently inside her. She gasped into his mouth as she felt the pressure of him inside her, and he stilled. Using her feet to pull him back towards her, he resumed without saying a word. Their kisses matched the rhythm of his pulses. Rachel’s head was reeling. It was so different, even though the action was the same. With him, everything was like seeing it, feeling it, for the first time. Her body started quivering, close to release already.
He broke their kiss to suckle her neck, then turned her quickly so she was on top, straddling him while he was still inside her. She smiled at him, loving him for giving her the control. “Rachel.” His hands caressed her breasts, then he used one to touch her where they were joined, causing her to throw her head back and groan in satisfaction. The man just knew exactly what to do. “I need you … I …” Devin closed his eyes, shifting his hands to her hips so he could rock her back and forth. She understood what he needed, because she needed it too. She began moving on top of him, the feeling of fullness stretching her, teasing her with sensation.
He continued to rock her hips with his hands as he watched her, his eyes wide. Her hair was loose and falling around her face, as he loved it. They locked eyes as she moved up and down, teasing him. They both knew what they wanted, and they were ready. She increased her pace, moving faster and harder. She leaned over so her face was even with his as they moved furiously together, both racing for the feeling they were craving. He removed his hands from her hips and used them to frame her face, kissing her deeply as her body began shuddering over him.
“Devin!” she screamed, pulling away from his mouth as her body let go completely. Using her release to allow his own, he pumped into her, losing himself in the feeling he thought he would never have again; her wrapped around him, screaming his name.
As they both came down from the high of their first time in years, Devin pulled her to his side and kissed the top of her head. “My God,” he breathed. “You are beyond incredible, Rachel. That was the most amazing experience of my life. Are you okay?”
Rachel lifted her face and pressed a kiss to her favorite arm her spot. “Devin, all of these years, I’ve been trying so hard to replace you, to make my mind forget by filling it with … men. But, every time, Dev. Every single time, I was disappointed. No one can ever be you because you are the only one for me. And to answer your question, yes. I’m more than okay. That wasn’t just sex, Devin. That was you, bringing me back to life. I want to do that over, and over and over again. And next time,” she rolled over to face him, a glint in her eye. “I want it like I know you wanted to do it this time. Hard, fast, and in whatever position you want it. We had some fabulous times together. Let’s do that again.”
“I want nothing more than to do it all,” Devin said, his voice low. “But don’t mistake what just happened for me just being gentle on you. I wanted to make love to you, to show you what you mean to me. I can tell you all day long, but I wanted you to feel it; feel me. My heart is beating only for you. My body is yours. I love you, Rachel.”
She climbed back on top of him, pressing her body against him. “Devin,” she said, her face even with his. Pressing kisses to his eyes, nose, then lips, her body started shaking. Why was this so hard for her? She knew it like she knew her own name, but saying it was so difficult for her. “I …” She dipped her head down and kissed his ear, running her tongue along it, then his neck. When goose bumps broke out on his body, she grinned against his neck. Going back to his lips, she put her hands against his face and looked at him in the eyes. “I love your eyes,” she whispered. “And your face. God help me, that body is to die for. But Devin?”
“Yes.”
“What I really love?” Rachel paused, willing her body to stop quivering. “Is you. I always have.” There, that wasn’t so bad. “I have since the night I met you, and I’ve never stopped. All this time, all these years, it’s only been you for me, Dev. I know we ha
ve shit to work through. But, I love you. I do. I don’t think there will ever be a moment where I’m not completely and totally in love with you.”
“That was hard for you.” It wasn’t a question.
Rachel nodded. “I don’t know why. It isn’t because I doubt the way I feel. I don’t, not at all. But saying it makes me … vulnerable. And for so long, I haven’t wanted to be vulnerable to anyone. Then when I finally got to where I thought I could try again, Justin happened. I’m sorry. Please don’t feel that it means I don’t mean it. It’s not that way at all. I mean it so deeply, to my core, that saying it out loud scares me.”
“I’m not going to hurt you,” Devin flipped her over gently, “You’ve come so far. Thank you for saying it. I’ll never be able to tell you how much that means to me.” A wicked grin came over his face. “Now, come here. I’m going to show you exactly how long I’ve wanted you.”
Rachel laughed, glad the intensity of the moment was broken a little. That overwhelming feeling was still a lot for her to take. Devin took one of her legs and put it up over his shoulder, and her eyes widened. Pulling her so that she was at the edge of the bed, he lifted her other leg and put it on his other shoulder. Dipping down, he wiggled his eyebrows seductively as he kissed along the inside of her thighs, using his fingers to make her cry out again.
“So ready,” he murmured, and within minutes, he was inside her again. She screamed, but not from pain. As much as she had loved him being gentle, loving with her, this was just as amazing. He had always been an intense, hot lover, and she was glad to see that he decided to stop treating her like a china doll. He held her steady so she wouldn’t slide back as he pounded into her, and it was all she could do to grip the sheets next to her, ready for the release that was coming hard and fast.
“That’s right, Rachel. Let go. Give it to me.” Sweat shone on Devin’s face at the exertion, and she could feel moisture pooling in between her breasts. He lifted her as he slammed into her one last time, and they both feel apart, their orgasms sending them mutually spiraling into oblivion. She didn’t think she could move. Not ever again.
“Rach,” Devin whispered into her ear. “You still awake?”
“Hmph,” she mumbled. She was so tired, but in a fantastically wonderful, I-can’t-believe-how-many-times-they-had-made-love-kind of way. She had no idea what time it was, or at what hour they had actually eaten cold Chinese food. For the first time, she was sore in a good way and not because of her injuries.
He laughed, and she turned, circling her arms around his neck. “Don’t tell me you want more.”
“What if I did? You can’t handle it?”
“I’d never be able to say no to you,” she admitted, swinging her leg over his and pressing up against him. They were still both naked, covered by the silky sheet only.
“I want you to tell me,” Devin said simply. Rachel looked up at him, barely making out his dark eyes in the room lit only by moonlight.
“Tell you?”
“What happened.”
Rachel furrowed her brows. “What?”
“Five years ago. What really happened.”
Rachel sucked in a breath, and she immediately started shaking. No. Not now. Not after the best night they’d had in such a long time. Sweat dotted her forehead, and she felt the beginnings of panic setting in.
Devin sat up, helping her do the same. “It’s time, Rachel. It’s past time. We’ve let the elephant in the room turn into an entire herd of them. Tell me the truth. We’ll never be able to move on if you don’t. And after tonight, I think that it’s clear that we both want to move on, together.”
Rachel looked down, playing with the sheet so she didn’t have to look at him. What would he do when he learned the truth? So much had happened since then, and he had told her that he’d never leave her.
“What are you thinking?”
She finally met his eyes, and fear gripped her heart like a vice. She couldn’t lose him again. “T—that I’m terrified that you will leave.”
Devin rubbed his hands over his face. “I need to know, Rachel. We can’t have secrets if we are going to have a successful relationship. I’ve already said I’m not going to leave. We can’t avoid this conversation forever.”
A sob escaped her throat without warning, and she pushed the panic down, trying hard to keep it away. “I know, Dev. I’m just …”
“Just tell me,” he said, an edge to his voice that she hadn’t heard in a long time.
Burying her head in her hands, she knew. She wasn’t getting out of this. She had been lucky that he had let it go this long. If she wanted to move forward with him, which she did, she had to tell him. “Remember the night we were at the party on the beach? All your cop buddies?” She took a deep breath and began. There would be no turning back now. He would know it all.
“Of course. I knew something had happened that night, because it was right after that when things went downhill. Go on.”
“Well, I was sitting there at the kitchen stool, drinking my coke, when Zack came up to me.”
Devin gritted his teeth. He hated that bastard. He had always been trying to one-up him on everything.
“He was flirting with me, even though he knew, just as everyone else did, that I was yours. He was making me uncomfortable, touching my leg, leaning close to me. So I told him to back the hell off. I did, Devin.”
“Go on.”
“I got up to see where you were, and saw you outside. I was going to come sit with you, but I decided to use the bathroom first. I downed my drink, then headed for the bathroom. That was when I started feeling sick.”
“Sick?” Devin’s cop instinct was screaming, and he forced himself to stay next to her in the bed when he really wanted to get up and start pacing.
“The room was spinning, and I felt like my tongue was double its size. I remember sitting on the toilet, wondering what in the hell I could do and how I could get out of there, when the door opened. At first, I thought it was you and I called out your name, but I remember that my words didn’t sound right.”
“Who was it?” Devin stood up, not able to stop himself. He started pacing the room.
“I thought it was you,” Rachel repeated, her voice breaking. Tears clogged her throat, and she struggled past the lump there to keep talking.
“Who. Was. It.”
Rachel watched him, his body pacing like a caged animal. “Zack.”
“What the fuck was he doing in the bathroom with you?”
“I—I don’t know.”
“Dammit, Rachel! What do you mean, you don’t know?”
“I don’t remember,” she admitted, and he stopped, looking at her wildly.
“You don’t …” Devin ran his hands through his hair, pulling it in frustration. “That asshole drugged you, didn’t he? Did you walk away from your drink?”
“Y—yes. After he was flirting with me, I walked away and he was standing in the kitchen. Let me finish, Dev. I guess he took me into a room, and the last thing I remember was saying your name and passing out. But … when I woke up …”
Devin crossed the room so quickly, she jumped as his face appeared before hers. “Tell me that fucker didn’t rape you.”
“Devin, let me finish” she cried, tears flowing freely from her eyes now. “When I woke up, I was naked. My clothes were strewn across the room. I had no idea where I was or what had happened. Then, I saw him. Zack. He was standing in the corner, watching me. He was … he was …”
“Tell. Me.” If fire could fly out of Devin’s eyes, she thought it just might. Just like that, she was back on the front porch of her house, him standing next to her, demanding that she tell him the truth. She let him believe what he had heard at that time, because she had believed she had to. Now, it was different.
“He was naked, and his clothes were mixed with mine on the floor. He was … hard, and was … stroking himself while watching me. I jumped up, screaming at him, when he came over to me, pressing himself into
me …” Rachel gagged, remembering. “He said … he said that he had fucked me. That I liked it. That I was calling out his name while my boyfriend sat down at the fire. What a whore I was. And that he was going to show you everything. That he had a video of us, and would put it all over the internet. He then took out his phone like he was going to show me, and I started sobbing. He told me, that if I told you, he would post the video. He—he also said that if I didn’t break up with you, he would plant the date rape drug in your locker at work, and he had a girl who would claim that you raped her. Your career would be over. He said he had ways of getting your DNA on this woman, too. He said I had … three days to break if off with you, or he would do it.”
Devin stared at the woman he loved, and saw red. Absolute fucking red. Walking to his dresser, he stepped into a pair of basketball shorts, trying with all his might not to punch something. Zack Miller. He wanted to kill him. Right now. The bastard better be glad he was hours away. He knew he still worked at his old precinct.
“He drugged you, Rachel. God. He put something in your drink to make you pass out. What if he …” No. He couldn’t think of another man violating her in that way. Not twice.
Rachel stood, wrapping the sheet around her while she watched Devin. She knew he was right on the verge of losing control, but not at her. He wasn’t Justin. He was upset. She touched him gingerly on the back, and he turned, pulling her to him. It was then that she could feel his body shuddering. He was crying?
Pulling back so she could look at him, she felt the first tear drop onto her face. They weren’t her tears. “Dev? It’s okay, baby. I’m okay.”