by LL Collins
“Do you know what the deal is?”
“I heard them say something about life without parole but I’m not sure. This is the kind of case that, if it was proven he did this more than once, could be the death penalty. He’ll want to avoid that, we’re sure, so they’re trying to get him to accept the deal.”
“How about the panic attacks? Nightmares? Are they lessening?”
Rachel nodded. “Yes. After the whole thing with Zack, I had a nightmare that night. Since then, I haven’t had any nightmares at all, but I have had some panic attacks.”
“Tell me what you’ve panicked over.”
“Well, I was at the doctor’s office last week, for my yearly examination—you know, for a woman,” Rachel said, embarrassed. He nodded, and she continued. “I was lying there when the doctor came in with a male nurse, and as soon as she went to start examining me, I started panicking. I don’t know exactly what triggered it, if it was the male nurse, or being looked at there, it reminded me …”
“That’s completely normal,” Dr. Troast commented.
“Normal!” Rachel snorted. “It’s normal to have a panic attack while at your gynecologist? I ended up having to go into a shortened version of what happened to me, which of course she had known part of because of my records, but I was totally embarrassed.”
“Did you get through the exam?”
“Eventually, yes. She did get another nurse, and let me relax for a few minutes before she came back in.”
“That’s great, Rachel. Progress is progress.”
“That wasn’t all. I had two panic attacks my first week back to work, both of which were rather severe. One was over a guy that resembled Justin, and the other was a loud noise in the gym that sent me into a tailspin. My friend Jessica was able to help me the first time, but the second time she had to call Devin.”
“This isn’t something that’s going to go away overnight, Rachel. I still think you’re progressing well, all things considered. How do you think the medication is helping?”
“I think it’s definitely made things easier to work through. I would like to try going off of it sometime soon, though. I will never know exactly how well I am if I don’t.”
“I agree,” Dr. Troast made a note on his pad. She often wondered what in the world he wrote, and secretly wanted to steal it to see if he doodled, wrote how crazy she was, or really needed it to keep track of her progress.
“Anything else?”
Rachel thought. “Well, I think I’d like to go see my parents. I haven’t seen them since right after the accident, and I’d like to spend some time with them.”
“That’s great. You need to reconnect with people. You had told me before that you’ve pushed them away over the last several years, too. Did you ever tell them about what happened when you and Devin broke up?”
She shook her head. “No. I never told anyone. They loved him like the son they never had, and I didn’t want them to look at me in disappointment when they realized I was the one that screwed it up.”
“But you didn’t do anything. Maybe if you would’ve told them, they could’ve helped you. You were only 21 years old, Rachel. Did you think they would be that quick to dismiss everything as your fault?”
“I thought I slept with him,” she said quietly, looking down at her lap. “I had no idea he wasn’t telling the truth. I mean, I could’ve told them that he threatened me, but I was terrified. It was just easier …”
“To push everyone away,” Dr. Troast finished. “Yes, I know. This is the part you need to work on the most. Instead of pushing people away, pull them towards you. Your parents, Devin, even his parents, they would’ve helped you, and still will today. Accept it, be thankful for it. You aren’t a screw up, Rachel.”
Tears stung her eyes, and she swallowed hard, refusing to succumb to them. “Nothing I’ve ever wanted to do in my life I’ve done, followed through on.”
“It’s never too late,” he responded. “You’re young, Rachel. Your whole life is ahead of you. Stop thinking of the past and the mistakes you’ve made, and decide what you want for the rest of your life, and make it happen.”
Rachel walked into the house, throwing her keys on the counter. The dinner she had left in the crock pot made her stomach grumble with hunger. Devin should be home soon. The thought made her smile. Home. When she stopped to think about it, she couldn’t believe it. Would she go through all she had been through again if she knew at the end was Devin? She knew that the answer was yes. He was worth every second of pain she had endured over the years.
Her cell phone rang, and she fished it out of her purse, a smile breaking out on her face as she saw the name. “Hi, my love,” she cooed. Sometimes she couldn’t believe she was the same person she had been a few months ago. Really, she wasn’t, and it was all because of him.
“Hey, honey,” Devin’s voice was like silk running over her. She closed her eyes. “How was Dr. Troast?”
“It was good. He makes some valid points, as usual. That’s what I pay him for I guess! Are you on your way home?”
She heard him sigh, and knew he wasn’t coming home. Disappointment covered her like a dark cloud. “We’ve got something pretty big shaking down over here. Looks like it’ll be a late night. The guys just ordered pizza. I’m not sure what time I’ll be home. Don’t wait up, okay?”
She shook off her disappointment. This was part of his job, and she didn’t need to act all weepy woman on him. “Wake me up when you get home, okay? I’ll miss you tonight.”
Devin didn’t answer right away, and then she heard silence where she had heard the hustle and bustle of the office before. “I’ll miss you too, honey. I love you. Make sure the doors are locked, okay? I’ll be home as soon as I can.”
She smiled, warmth overtaking her. “I’ll be here waiting for you. You go big bad cop and catch those bad guys.” Hanging up, she looked at the dinner she was making and frowned. She didn’t need all that food for just her.
Picking her phone back up, she called Jessica to see if she wanted to come over, and she quickly agreed. While she was waiting for her, she turned the news on so that the house wasn’t too quiet, yet another thing she didn’t like anymore.
Putting the dinner on warm, she sat on the couch with a glass of wine, closing her eyes. It had been a long day. Even though she had been back at work for over a month now, she still got tired easily. Jessica was still working on the mobility of her shoulder, and it still bothered her once and a while.
“Update on a story that we broke for you back in November. Mark Stevenson, accused of attempted murder, kidnapping, rape, battery, attempted murder of a police officer, fleeing the scene, and gun charges is set to go to trial in March, here in Florida. He’s also wanted in Alabama, and the two states are working together on his charges. Stevenson moved to Florida under a different identity, got involved with a local woman, who he held hostage at her own house …”
Rachel shut off the television, bringing her knees up to her chest, breathing deeply, trying hard to keep it from coming. She couldn’t testify against him. She hated that the news was even still talking about it. Why couldn’t everyone just let her forget? Flashes of her bound to the chair, her arm broken and her body bruised inside and out, made her cry out in panic. Breathe, Rachel. Think. You’re here in the house, safe. He’s locked up. Trying all the tricks in the book to keep her calm, she stared at her phone. She needed Devin. No. Remember what Dr. Troast said. You can’t always rely on someone else. Do it yourself.
Forcing herself to stand up, she paced the living room, thinking about all the positive things in her life. Devin, Kayley, her precious kids, Jessica, her job, her parents. She made it through the ordeal, now she just had to tell herself she could learn to calm herself.
A knock on the door made Rachel jump, but she rushed to the door, her eyes wild. She knew she was going to scare Jessica, but she needed her. Flinging open the door, she came face to face with the beautiful blonde. When she saw Rache
l’s face, concern flitted over her features.
“Rachel? Are you okay?” Jessica had unfortunately been witness to several of Rachel’s panic attacks.
Rachel fell into her arms, her body shaking like a leaf. “Do I need to call Devin?” She shook her head no. “Rachel. Breathe. Whatever it is, you’re safe here. Come on, let’s sit down on the couch. What about Kayley? Can I call her?” Rachel shook her head no again.
Jessica helped her to the couch, then sat next to her, stroking her back like she saw Devin do at the office. She hated seeing Rachel this way. Even though she hadn’t known her too long before the ‘accident’, she knew that she had been very strong, and seeing her like this was heart-wrenching.
“The news,” Rachel stuttered out, still shaking and sweating. “They were talking about Justin, Mark, whatever the hell his name is, and I just lost it. I’m sorry, Jess. I know that’s not what you wanted to come over here for, to keep me from flipping my lid.”
“Rach, I’m your friend. I’m here for you. Are you okay?” Jessica searched her friend’s face, seeing her features starting to relax.
“Yes. Thank you. God, I feel so helpless when that happens. I try to talk myself out of it, but I just can’t. It’s like everything is closing in on me.”
Jessica nodded. “That must be such a scary feeling. It’s getting better though, right?”
Rachel stood. “Come on. Let’s get some food and watch a chick flick.” Jessica smiled, glad her friend was feeling better.
Devin slid into the car, exhausted. They had been working some intel on a case that couldn’t wait, and it looked like they may be able to make an arrest very soon. It was after 2am. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, seeing a text message from Rachel’s friend, Jessica. Worried, he slid the bar to read her text and saw that she had been over to eat dinner with Rachel, but she had had a panic attack right when she got there over a news story about Mark.
Damn, he thought to himself. I needed to be there with her. He knew that it wasn’t possible for him to help her avoid every one of her bumps in the road, but he wanted to try. He was glad she wasn’t alone, though. Sending a quick thank you back to Jessica, he hurried home, wanting nothing more than to wrap his arms around Rachel and tell her he loved her.
Arriving home quickly, he let himself in quietly. He knew he had to be careful about too many loud noises, but he also had to be careful not to scare her shitless.
Opening the bedroom door, he stepped inside. He unlaced his work boots, setting them gently in the closet. Unbuttoning his pants, he threw them on the floor, followed by his shirt. When he was in bed with her, he had to feel her skin next to his. Approaching the bed, he sat on the edge, a smile playing on his lips as he looked at her. She was curled in a ball, her hair fanned out behind her. She was wearing a tank top and boy shorts, the light coming through the blinds making lines on her face. Looking at her, he could almost pretend that they hadn’t been apart as long as they had.
His mind rewound to the first time they ever made love. They had been at his house, and they had been watching a movie in his room. She had fallen asleep, and he had kissed her awake, unable to stop himself from interrupting her beauty sleep. They hadn’t slept another wink that night, alternating between talking and making love over and over again. That was the night he knew he would never be the same. She had infiltrated herself into every pore. Now, he got a second chance with her, and he was not screwing it up ever again.
Sliding under the sheets, he gently wrapped his arm around her and pulled her to him. Putting his lips to her ear, he whispered that he was home. She stirred, and he loved how she immediately responded to his voice. Kissing her softly, she rolled over and blinked her eyes open, barely conscious.
“Dev,” she breathed his name. “What time is it?”
“After 2,” he whispered, cupping her face with his hand. She leaned into it, a smile on her face.
“I missed you.”
“Baby, I missed you, too. How was your night?” He didn’t want to tell her that Jessica had texted him. He figured she wouldn’t like being checked up on.
“There was a news story on about Justin. I panicked. Jessica was here to help me. I tried to do it myself, Dev, but I couldn’t.”
He enveloped her in a hug. “I’m proud of you, Rachel. I’m sorry I wasn’t here. We’ve got a big case going on right now. Actually, I’m going to end up having to go to Miami for a few days.”
“When?”
“Tomorrow.” He heard her sharp intake of breath, and his heart sunk. “Want to come with me?”
“I can’t.” Her voice was so sad, he wanted to call Andrew right now and tell him he wasn’t going. He couldn’t leave. “Even if I could, you’ll be busy and I’ll just be there myself.” He knew she was right.
“Why don’t you take Friday off and go see your parents? You’ve been talking about going to do that anyway. I’ll be back Sunday night.”
She was quiet for a moment. “Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. I’ll call them in the morning.”
“Do you want to go back to sleep?” Devin whispered in her ear, rubbing up against her. “I’ll miss you while I’m gone.”
She reached up and touched his face, tracing his eyes, nose, and mouth. “I’m afraid.”
He couldn’t believe she was verbalizing that, telling him instead of shutting down. Rachel had always been so headstrong, so tough, that admitting her feelings had been very difficult. After all of her trauma, it had been almost impossible.
“Afraid of what, honey?”
“That you won’t come back.”
“Rachel, I’m never going to be without you again. I promise.”
“What if something happens to you,” she choked out. “Or me.”
He couldn’t tell her nothing was going to happen. He wasn’t God. But he didn’t want her to be sick with worry. “It’s meant to be that we found each other again, right?” She nodded against his chest. “Well then, we have to believe that we won’t be taken from each other again. Okay?”
When she was silent, he pressed his lips to hers, trying to reassure her with his touch. And as he pulled her clothes from her body, touched her, and entered her, he tried his hardest to tell her with his body what she couldn’t believe from his mouth.
Rachel stepped out of the car, feeling the cool mountain air against her skin. After a ten hour drive, she had arrived at her parents. They had been ecstatic to hear that she was coming to visit. They had moved away after she graduated high school and had lived in North Carolina ever since. She had only been there a few times since then, mostly on holidays.
Being an only child meant that her parents gave her all their attention, but it also meant she was very alone. She had cousins, aunts, and uncles, but most of the time she felt very removed from all of them. After she had been born, her mom had never been able to have any more children, as much as she had wanted them.
Rachel had had a great childhood, growing up the apple of her parent’s eye. She had been a good student and athlete, enjoying volleyball and basketball during high school. It had been then that she had started rebelling, getting mixed up with some people that were bad influences. She started skipping school, drinking, and getting involved with boys. She had succeeded in getting herself suspended from school several times, and her grades and sports slipped. Thankfully, she had straightened up enough to graduate with a good GPA, and had gotten into college easily, but the scar she had left on her parents had still been there.
After she started dating Devin, they were concerned that she was falling back in the same cycle. After meeting him, they were relieved that he was a smart, driven man with a good career. They were only marginally worried that he was a lot older than her, but they figured he would be a good influence on her. After everything had fallen apart, they questioned her but eventually accepted that she wasn’t going to tell them what had happened. She had since distanced herself, only talking to them when necessary, and hardly seeing them at a
ll. She had effectively put a wall of protection around her and didn’t let anyone in.
But ever since her trauma with Justin/Mark, and subsequent reuniting with Devin, she had been talking to them more, opening up. They still didn’t know how or why she and Devin had broken up the first time, meaning she had to tell them about Zack still. She planned to rest too, since it had been months since she had felt fully rested.
The door opened as she reached it, and her mom stepped out, an older version of her. Tall and lithe still at her age with red hair and green eyes, she could pass for Rachel’s sister instead of her mother. “Rachel! I’m so glad you’re here!” She enveloped her in a huge hug, and she found herself fighting tears again. She really had turned into an emotional sap. It felt so good to be in her mom’s arms. The last time she saw her, she couldn’t even hug her back.
“You look absolutely wonderful,” her mom gushed. “As beautiful as ever. And would you look at that glow about you. It’s Devin, isn’t it?”
Rachel blushed, in disbelief that her mom could see through her so easily. “He’s amazing, mom.”
“Well we always knew that, didn’t we, hon,” she teased. “And very easy on the eyes, too.” The women laughed, and Rachel followed her mom into the house. “I have to tell you, watching that man at your bedside, before you even knew he was there was enough to put me into a puddle on the floor. If you could’ve heard him, talking about your life together … it was amazing. Promising you he’d be by your side forever, that he never should’ve let that much time go by without finding you …”
Now she couldn’t stop them, tears filled her eyes, and one traveled down her cheek and dripped on her arm. “Mom, I haven’t even been here five minutes, and I’m already crying!”
“Dennis, where are you? Our girl is here!” Rachel dabbed her eyes. They walked into the living room and her dad walked up, grabbing her in a huge bear hug.
“Baby Bear,” he said into her hair. He had called her that since she was a little girl, and being in his arms reminded her of sitting on his lap when she was very small while he read stories to her.