by Jaci Wheeler
“My mom has nothing to do with what we’re talking about! It’s not the same. You are deflecting, Andi, so forget I even asked.” I turn to leave and she catches my arm. The sadness in her eyes is so intense I can feel my anger fading.
“You’re right, Wes, it’s not the same at all. Your mom sacrificed her life for you, where my mom sacrificed me for her life. I’m sorry if I hurt you, I didn’t mean to bring up bad memories.” With that she turns and walks away while I stand there with my mouth hanging open trying to figure out what happened. What did she mean her mom sacrificed her for a life? Gah! This isn’t going at all how I pictured.
I take off after her, thankful for my long legs, and catch up to her in no time.
“Andi, I’m sorry. You know I’m horrible with people; this is why I keep to myself. And you don’t have to tell me anything, all right? I’m sorry.”
She sighs and shakes her head a bit then gives me a slight smile. “It’s okay, Wes. I guess I should be flattered you even care enough to want to know.”
“You know you really should be. I never ask personal questions, obviously for a good reason.”
She catches me off guard by reaching up and pushing a stray curl out of my eye. Usually when Roz does that I flinch and yell at her, but with Andi it’s different, I don’t mind it so much.
“How about we take a walk and I’ll tell you a little bit okay?”
We start at a slow pace. Andi doesn’t start talking right away but I find myself waiting, curious what she has to say. Wonder of wonders, I even forget to count our steps.
“This is hard for me, Wes. I don’t ever talk about it, not even to my uncle. He knows everything of course, but it’s just known between us and remains unspoken.”
She is silent again for a few moments then stops walking and looks at me. “My dad and Kevin were brothers. They were in the same career field. My dad started out as a tracker and, as you know, they can’t marry or have a family. After meeting my mom one day he knew he wanted to marry her. He said it was love at first sight.” She has a smile on her face and a faraway look in her eye like she is remembering them telling her the story.
“He asked to be transferred to a different unit so he could have a family. He was put as a prison guard, which isn’t a relished spot, but he never minded it. He said he loved his job because he could serve his country and love his family at the same time.”
One tear slowly trickles down her check. I can’t help myself; I brush it away with my thumb.
“He was killed on duty. That’s all we were told. I was ten when it happened and my mother was never the same after that. She blamed the Ministry. She used to go on full blown rants about how it was the Ministry’s fault my dad was killed. She slowly started to lose her mind. She wasn’t eating or sleeping. She would get angry and then in the next instant be sobbing. She would push me away, and hold me close. I never knew what to expect. After living this way for two years I guess she couldn’t take it anymore. She told me to pack a bag; that we were going to visit my uncle. Only we weren’t visiting. She left me with Kevin and went to the O.C. It’s been six years and we haven’t heard a word. I’m pretty sure Kevin has been keeping tabs on her, but I’ve never asked about her and he’s never brought it up.”
I can see her visibly pulling herself together. She has let only a few tears escape and I can tell she’s refused to allow any more. As sad as I am for her I can’t help but be a little amazed as well. When Rosaline cries it can go on for hours or days. Her heart is so easily broken and she feels with everything in her. I can see the strength in Andi; I can tell she refuses to give in to her grief and it amazes me.
“I’m so sorry you had to go through that, Andi.”
She gives me another sad smile.
“Now that the borders are open, are you going to see her?” As soon as I say it I wish I can take it back. The smile instantly vanishes and she crumples a bit.
“No, I don’t think so. It was almost easier with the borders closed, you know? She wasn’t allowed to leave or communicate, so I could blame it on that. I kept telling myself that she wanted to see me but wasn’t able. Once the borders opened I couldn’t say that any longer. I secretly hope she will come, I expect it…but she hasn’t.”
“It’s still early. It’s only been a few months, she might still come.”
“It’s okay, Wes. The truth is I’m fine without her. I don’t even know what I would say if she did come. I have Kevin, and now Natasha, so I don’t really need her.”
I don’t believe that for a second, but I wisely keep that to myself. Growth!
“You have me too, you know.” I take her hand.
She looks down at our hands and then smiles at me, a true Andi smile.
“Do I?”
I nod, unable to talk.
“Good.”
We continue on our walk in silence, hand in hand. I never thought I would enjoy holding hands with anyone, but with Andi it is different. Masters was right, and I’m glad I listened to him. I have a connection with her now that she has opened up to me. Maybe I can have an emotional connection after all, who knows?
CHAPTER
TWENTY-FIVE
Roz,
I have a girlfriend now, sort of. Aren’t you proud of me? I am evolving. Also, I started training for the Council. I haven’t made any final decisions but I’m feeling good about it. All it took was for you to leave me high and dry! ;)
How is it in no man’s land?
Wes
Wes,
What? Are you kidding me? You asked Andi to be your girlfriend? What exactly did you say? What exactly did she say? It is Andi right, not Aspen? DETAILS man, I need details! We will talk more about “No man’s land” later. Great news on the Council by the way.
Details!
Roz
Roz,
What do you mean what did I say, what did she say? We talk, we hang out, she shared a story about her life and we held hands. That means she’s my girlfriend right? And yes I’m talking about Andi. Aspen gives me the heebee jeebees.
Wes
Wes,
Omg! Wesley Anderson Sanders! You didn’t even ask her if she wanted to be your girlfriend? Just because you talk and hold hands doesn’t exactly make her your girlfriend you know!
Roz
Roz,
No I didn’t know that! How am I supposed to know that! You never told me this! You and Dex started talking and stuff and you were together! So I just assumed.
Wes
Wes,
Wesley, Dex and I never were officially boyfriend and girlfriend! It isn’t always assumed, you know! You have to ask her to make it official. I just assumed you knew this, but I guess you most likely tuned everything relationship-wise out. So listen up, you have to ask her! And don’t demand anything, Wesley, ask. Like it’s a question.
Roz
Roz,
I told you she was my girlfriend. I asked and she said yes! I told you so!
Wes
Wes,
Please tell me you didn’t go over there in the middle of the night and wake her up again demanding to know if she was your girlfriend!
Roz
Roz,
Okay. I won’t tell you! ;)
Wes
Wes,
Gah! You will never learn! But really I am super happy for you! I miss you so much! Things are really coming along here. Now that we have appointed leadership and people have taken on roles it’s made it much easier. The buildings are coming together nicely, and soon we will be able to start planting crops. It’s been so lonely without you. I love you!
Roz
The next week goes by in a blur. I start Council training and I am surprised with how much I thoroughly enjoy it. It isn’t anything like I was expecting. There is a lot of history and all the laws to memorize which is a breeze, but there are also facts, data, and other things that pleasantly surprise me. I can’t understand why they were having such a hard time finding an adequate re
placement. The training is enjoyable and easy. For me, anyway. The more I discover, the more I find myself intrigued with the idea of becoming a Council member after all.
I also worried about the declaration of relationship, that things will become weird between Andi and me, but I am pleasantly surprised with that as well. Nothing has really changed, which I am immensely pleased about. We still eat lunch together every day, we go on walks or hikes on the weekend, but we don’t feel the need to talk or see each other every moment of the day.
I am on my way to Masters’ house to do some training and am wondering if Andi will be there. She has been spending more time over there lately and part of me wonders if she is secretly waiting for her mom to show up. While I suspect she would never admit to that fact, I know it has to be eating at her. I’ve never gotten over my mom leaving me, and that wasn’t even her choice.
I knock on the door and I’m surprised to find Natasha open it with a panicked look on her face.
“Hi. Is everything okay Natasha?”
“Hi, Wes, um…” her eyes keep shifting.
Masters comes to the door looking upset. “Now’s not a good time, Wes.”
“Oh…uh, okay, then I’ll…uh…”
Andi comes up behind him and puts her hand on his shoulder.
“It’s okay, Uncle Kevin, I want him here.”
It’s clear she’s been crying. Her face is puffy and red. I know Andi doesn’t cry easily and I am immediately alarmed.
“What’s wrong? What happened? Are you all right?”
“Everything is okay, Wes. Can we go for a walk?”
“Of course.”
She shuts the door behind her and we start walking. I’ve learned that she is similar to me where she likes to think out her problems, so I don’t push her. When she is ready she will talk to me. After a few minutes she pulls me over to a fallen log to sit.
“She’s sick, Wes.”
She said “she” not “I’m”, and Natasha looked nervous but not sick, so then it must be…“Your mom?” I ask.
She lays her head on my shoulder. Normally I would push her off. I hate contact I don’t initiate, but I know she needs comfort and not my idiosyncrasies right now. I start rubbing her head trying to ease her pain. Roz told me one time that there wasn’t anything as comforting as someone rubbing your head when you’re upset, so I figure it can’t hurt to try. It must work because Andi lets out a sigh and burrows into my shoulder.
“She’s been sick for a while now, and she refuses to go to a hospital. They don’t even know what’s wrong with her.”
I have a hard time computing what she is saying. How can you be sick and refuse to see a doctor? Illness isn’t rare, and so many things can be easily treated with medicine and the proper care. I can’t imagine someone refusing treatment.
“Why?”
“Nobody knows. She stopped talking last year apparently. Just shut down mentally, and now her body is following. Masters didn’t know what to do, so he finally told me.”
“What does he expect you to do?”
“I’m not sure. He didn’t want her to die without me knowing she was even sick, which I understand, but part of me wishes I never knew. I’m not sure what I should do now.”
She angles her head to look into my eyes. “Do you think I should go see her?”
“I don’t know, Andi. It’s hard to know without the correct data. We don’t know why she’s sick, why she even really left, if she wants to see you, if it could change anything. There are too many unknown variables.”
“What if it was your mom who was sick after she purposely left you? Would you go to her?”
“Andi, you know that’s different. Of course I would want to see my mom, but she left in a different way.”
“I know, and I’ve been thinking about it. In a way it seems as though my mom died too. The day my dad died, so did she. Physically she was there, but the person who loved and cared for me my whole life was gone. Masters doesn’t think I should go, he doesn’t think my last memory should be of her sick, but is being abandoned really a better one?”
I have no answer for her. I have never been good at these types of conversations, which is exactly why nobody ever comes to me for this kind of advice. While I want to be here for Andi, I’m going to mess this up.
“Andi, I don’t know what to tell you. I’m horrible at this kind of stuff. If it’s a problem that we can solve, I’m your guy, but when feelings and emotions come into play, I’m out.”
I hope she understands and doesn’t get upset. I want to help her, but I’m completely inadequate. She surprises me by kissing my cheek and smiling at me.
“I know, which is why I’m talking to you. Not many people want advice, they just want to get it off their chest and then do what they think is best and have someone back them up. Will you back me up with whatever I decide?”
Still reeling from the fact that she kissed me, I am able to breathe enough to say, “Of course.”
“You are a good boyfriend, you know that, Wesley?”
“Hmmm, and everyone always said I would suck at it.”
She laughs. “Nah, you’re pretty fantastic, as long as I don’t get offended too easily…which I don’t.”
I grin at her, because that’s pretty right on.
“Do you need to decide soon?”
“Pretty soon. The reason Masters told me is because she stopped eating last week. People are forcing fluids in her, but he doesn’t think she’s going to last long.”
“I see.”
It’s worse than I thought. Without proper nutrition it can be only a matter of hours. Looking at Andi, I know she will want to see her mom. Even if she does feel abandoned, she will put that aside because that’s the kind of person she is.
“Do you want me to go with you?”
She looks up at me with tears in her eyes. “You would do that?”
“I would do anything for you, Andi.” And I realize at that moment it’s true, I really would.
“I would like that very much. Thank you, Wes!”
CHAPTER
TWENTY-SIX
What on earth was I thinking? I should know better than to think I can offer anyone comfort or emotional support. I have no clue what to do in an emotional crisis. That’s why I have Rosaline, she always knows what to do. Right now Roz is gone and Andi looks as though she might faint away at any second. We reach the gate to the O.C. and Andi stops dead in her tracks. I awkwardly put my hand on her back and pat it a few times. Masters kneels in front of her.
“Andi, you don’t have to do this. From what Malik has told me she isn’t aware of what is going on around her anyway. We can get right back on the train and go home if you want.”
Andi shakes her head, yet doesn’t budge from her spot. I am something of an expert when it comes to panic attacks and can spot one a mile away. Andi is most definitely having a panic attack. Telling her to go home isn’t going to help. The only way to move past them is to distract your mind. I turn her body so that she’s facing me and lift her chin. “Count, Andi.”
Master rolls his eyes.
“Does counting really help, Wes?” Andi asks in a small voice with a look in her eye begging me to understand how she feels. I understand all too well. That crippling fear that is telling you not to proceed but knowing if you don’t, you will always wonder. No, she has to do this. No matter what Masters thinks, going home isn’t the answer.
“Take it a step at a time, Andi. You don’t have to worry about your mom or what you will say to her. All you need to worry about is getting through the gate. Can you do that? Count how many steps it will take to get from here to the gate. I think it will be forty-three. What do you think, Masters?”
Masters looks at me like I’ve lost my mind and halfheartedly answers, “Thirty-two.”
“What about you, Andi? How many steps do you think it will take you to get inside the gate? Just inside the gate, nothing else.”
“Let’s see…”
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She slowly starts to walk and counts each step as she goes. We get to the gate and she looks over at me. “Thirty-seven.”
“Excellent number. Now, how about from the gate to the common room? It’s much further. I’m thinking about one hundred seven steps.”
Andi starts counting as we make our way to the common room. I expect a look of disapproval from Masters, but when I look over at him he is nodding and has a look of gratitude in his eyes. I usually make awkward situations more uncomfortable, so this is an unusual occurrence for me.
“I’m going to go talk to, Malik,” he says. “You two have a seat here and wait for me. I won’t be long.”
With that Masters takes off and Andi and I sit down.
“Well, how many steps was it?” I ask Andi, hoping this is helping her as much as it helps me. Come to think of it, I am so worried about Andi I forget all about my own fear. That is highly unusual.
“One hundred seventeen. Thank you, Wes.”
“I didn’t do anything. You did all the counting.”
“That’s not what I mean and you know it. I was sure I was going to collapse out there and I never would have made it if it wasn’t for you. My uncle would have hauled me out of here before I could say otherwise. He doesn’t think this is good for me, to see her…” She trails off and I can tell her thoughts are drifting.
“You can only do what’s best for you, Andi, not what others think is in your best interest. If I had the chance to see my mom I would take it in a heartbeat. I know the circumstances might be different with you, and you won’t get this opportunity again. If you need to go see her, then that’s what you do. You don’t need to talk, or ask questions, just see her. Maybe it will help release you from some of the pain.”
She rests her head against my shoulder. Out of habit I almost flinch, but I hold it back. Andi is more important right now than my disapproval of physical touch.
I run my hand through her hair as a way to comfort her. When she lets out a small sigh I make a mental note to tell Roz later how correct she was with her advice.