by Mindy Hayes
All at once an insatiable urge to kiss her grips me. A part of me wants to throw caution to the wind and take her face in my hands, but the rational part—the one that doesn’t want to get smacked—wins. But she wants it too. I know it.
Almost as if she senses it, Alix pulls back and asks, “Will you take me home now?”
Disappointed, I take a breath and nod. So close. We walk out of the club. Our hands bump against one another, but I don’t take hers as much as I want to. My hand longs to feel home. It would inside of hers.
When we get to her house we walk inside together. Gran is sitting on the couch with Brooks in the crook of her arm, both asleep. She hears us and stirs, blinking up at us.
“I’m sorry we’re so late,” Alix whispers, apologetic. The red numbers on her oven in the kitchen read 12:02. We’re fine.
“Oh, honey, it was a pleasure,” Gran says and looks down at Brooks. “I’m afraid we fell asleep watching a movie.”
“I can carry him to bed.” Alix moves to the couch.
“Let me do it,” I say and step in front of her. She’s too small to carry that kid. “Just show me where to go.” Alix doesn’t fight me. I lift Brooks, and he wraps himself around me like a monkey, resting his sleepy head on my shoulder. He inhales and settles into my arms. On his exhale my heart finds a place, deep seeded in a nook that was made for him.
Alix looks at me with underlying fear, like she thinks I’m going to drop him or something. “Where to?” I ask, and she slowly points to the back hallway.
After I lay him down, Alix swoops in and pulls the blanket up around him and kisses his forehead. She watches him for a moment, brushing her fingers through the hair across his forehead. In a whisper she tells him she loves him. It strikes a chord. Brooks is her world. If she would let me be a part of it, I would do everything in my power to make it a better world for both of them.
When she gets up, she jumps, not realizing I’m still here.
“Sorry,” I whisper and bite back a laugh. She smiles, clearing her startled expression, and playfully punches me in the arm. We walk back to the living room.
“I’m going to wait in the car,” Gran says, waving.
“I’m right behind you.”
“Thank you so much for helping me tonight,” Alix says as the three of us walk to the door.
“Of course, darlin’,” Gran says and turns in the entry. “No problem at all. We had a good time.”
“My mom did okay?”
“She did just fine,” Gran assures. “She’s sleeping like a log as we speak.”
“Oh good.” Alix breathes a sigh of relief, and I notice that she was more worried about her mom behaving than Brooks.
Gran smiles and gives Alix a hug. At first, Alix doesn’t know what to do, but then softens and hugs her back.
“Have a good night.” Gran winks and walks out the door.
“Now you know,” I say, “if you’re ever in a bind, where Gina can’t help out, you can call us.”
“Thanks, Aiden. I really do appreciate it,” she says sincerely. It stops me. I think I literally jolt out of surprise. She never calls me by my first name. I like it. No, I love it. She’s the only one I ever want to say it ever again. My name belongs to her.
Because I just can’t help myself, I lean in and Alix stills. I want to kiss her so badly, but I need for her to give me the okay. Her stiff posture doesn’t exactly scream, “kiss me.” I shift my mouth and brush my lips across her cheek.
When I pull back she looks…disappointed? Did she want me to kiss her?
I shove my hands into my front pockets and nod as I walk out the door. “G’night, Squid,” I say.
She chuckles and rolls her eyes. “Night, Aiden.”
I stop and turn. “By the way,” I say before she closes the door. The moment feels right. “What I was going to say earlier was…stubborn, abrasive, frustrating woman who deserves more from life.”
Alix blinks, and I walk away.
ALIX
“SO, THE REST of the night,” Sawyer says over the phone. “How did it go?”
“It went.”
Come Monday, life is back to normal. Brooks is in school, and Mama is wandering around the house, pretending like she’s helping me clean while I actually pick up. She begins helping and then stops, looks at what I’m doing and tries to get back on track, just to get lost again, taking out more stuff. DVDs, books, photo albums. So, really, I’m cleaning up after her.
I miss pizza night with the girls in my dorm and late dance parties with my roommates. Studying with no interruption and actually feeling like I accomplished something. I miss having a normal life.
Eventually, I give up and decide to clean when Mama has gone to bed.
“Well, aren’t you a wealth of information,” she says.
I laugh. “There’s nothing to say. We danced. He took me home. That was that.”
“That was that,” she says flatly.
“That was that,” I repeat. Aside from the melt my heart moment when Brooks latched onto Aiden as he carried him to bed. Or when he said goodbye to his Grandma. And the almost kiss, that I shouldn’t have wanted in the first place. But I keep those details to myself, folding up the snapshots and locking them safe inside my mind where I can occasionally revisit them.
Or visit them all the time. Because that’s all they can ever be. Memories.
It’s just…for a split second—the briefest of moments—I saw a time where I could have a life with Aiden. Where things like betrayal and tragedy don’t happen. Where I believe in lasting love and declarations. There was a promise of a future and a life that existed in my dreams, something untouchable.
Something I’ll never know.
“You’re not even going to acknowledge the connection I saw?”
“What do you want me to say, Sawyer? Just because you saw us amicably communicating and having fun doesn’t mean anything has changed. Where Aiden is concerned, everything is off limits.” I have to keep it that way. Though, for the first time, Aiden made me think maybe it could work. Just maybe he could be the kind of man I need. He could be the kind of man to restore my faith in love.
“You’re gonna lose something good, you know that, right?”
“You can’t lose something you never had.”
She grunts in frustration. “Fine. Have it your way. At least we can all still hang out as friends, yes? No awkward moments because nothing is or will ever go on?”
I peer up to make sure I know where Mama is. She’s placed herself on the couch and is quietly watching a blank TV screen. I flip it on for her. “Yup.”
“Good. Because we’re going out this weekend too.”
“Let me check with Gina first.”
“Already done.” Sawyer sounds so proud of herself. “She was happy to hear you were using your time to have fun and not just for work or other responsibilities. Maybe you should try that more often.”
“I don’t want to take advantage. She helps enough.”
“Occasionally taking time for yourself is not taking advantage,” she says. “That’s simply called mental health. Everyone needs it, or we’d all go insane. I’m not saying we do it every week, but every once and awhile. Once a month even. We could all use the break.”
“So, you guys are going to be my designated babysitter finders whenever we go out, is that how it is? What if I said no?”
“Then I would have dragged you out of the house myself. It wasn’t long ago that you were doing the same to me.”
“That was different,” I retort and wipe down the island in the center of the kitchen.
“It’s no different. I’m saving you from yourself. You love your family so much you’ll let their lives consume yours without a thought for yourself. Eventually you’ll disappear.”
I fear that every day.
“So, we’re good. Friday night?” she asks.
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Good. I’ve gotta get these tarts into the fridge. I�
��ll talk to you later.”
“Okay. Bye.”
When I look for Mama again, she’s standing next to the table against the back of the couch, reaching for the flame on the lit scented candle. “Ahhh, Mama! No!”
I don’t get to her in time. She flinches back and yelps, “Ouch! That burns!”
“Yes, ouch. Ma, that’s hot. You can’t go around touching fire.” I pull her to the kitchen sink and run cold water over her fingers. “What am I going to do with you?” I ask rhetorically, but instantly feel guilty when putting her in a home comes to mind.
“It burns,” she repeats. “Why does it burn? I don’t know why it burns.”
“I’m sorry, Mama.” For more than the burn. “I should have been paying closer attention.” I dab some burn cream on the wound and blow on it, then wrap a Band-Aid over it and hope she doesn’t take it off.
“I can take care of myself,” she pouts.
“Of course you can. I’m just here to help. We’re here to help each other,” I placate.
***
It’s nine o’clock when there’s a knock at our front door.
“Aiden,” I breathe as I swing open the door.
“Hi. Is this a bad time?”
I peer over my shoulder at Brooks, who’s hopefully running all his energy out, and my mom who’s sitting in her corner watching him. The house is even more of a disaster now that Brooks is home and Mama so helpfully pulled out a 1000-piece puzzle she used to love putting together. The pieces are strewn all over the kitchen table and floor. I’m suddenly embarrassed about Aiden seeing us like this. “I’m just…I’m getting everyone ready for bed.”
“I can wait. I just needed to touch base with you on the finalized plans for the Jordans.”
I huff. “Seriously? They’re worse than the Hendersons.”
“I know. I’m sorry,” he says sheepishly. “Just some last minute changes that I need by tomorrow. I would have called, but I was in the area and kind of need a rush on these. They’ll pay extra.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose, but step back, opening the door wider. “Come in. Have a seat on the couch. I’m going to help my mom to bed, while Brooks tires himself out.”
Aiden nods and shuts the door behind him. “Sounds good.”
“Hi Aiden!” Brooks waves, running toward him.
“Hey bud.” Aiden smiles and gives him a high five.
“Why is he here?” Mama points and gets up.
“He’s here to work on some plans for a house he’s helping to build.”
She watches him suspiciously.
“He’s safe, Ma. It’s okay. Let’s go to bed.” I take her hand and guide her down the hallway opposite of the kitchen.
“Why are you taking me to bed?” she asks.
“Because it’s time for you to get some sleep.”
“Your hair looks like mine used to. I miss my hair.” She sits down on her bed and watches me with curiosity. “But why you? Who are you?”
I remember the first time she asked me that. My life lost its meaning in that moment. If the woman who brought me into this world didn’t recognize me, did I even exist? Was I dreaming? No, I knew it wasn’t a dream because dreams were a pleasant haze. This was a vivid nightmare that never stopped.
Swallowing my emotions, I respond, “I’m your daughter, Alix. That’s why our hair is the same.”
She smiles kindly and lets me tuck her into bed, shoving the blankets around her body for warmth and security. I swear she’s always cold now.
“Oh,” she replies, delayed.
Tears fight their way to the surface, and I force them back. Aiden is in the other room. I can’t fall apart right now.
“You’re sweet for taking care of me. So very sweet.” She reaches up and brushes her hand across my cheek.
It’s useless. The tears fall, and I grit my teeth to fight off more as I try to smile. “I’d do anything for you, Mama. Now get some sleep.”
She lies there, but doesn’t close her eyes as I back out of the room. I’m hoping the medication will kick in soon. I walk out into the living room, but it’s too quiet. My eyes shift around the room and into the kitchen. I hear voices coming from the back hallway toward Brooks’s room. I silently cross the living room into the hall and slowly creep down.
“I can send in Alix when she’s done if you want.”
“It’s cool. I like that you’re tucking me in.” The mattress creaks as Brooks shifts under the covers.
“You brushed your teeth real good, right?” Aiden asks.
“Of course.” When I reach the open doorway I wait off to the side, just enough so that I can see them, but they don’t notice me. “Alix used to make me brush them twice if I didn’t do it good enough the first time. I’ve learned my lesson.”
Aiden chuckles as he sits on the edge of Brooks’s bed. “That’s a good thing for her to harass you for. The ladies don’t like bad breath.”
“There could be worse things for her to nag me about,” Brooks agrees.
“Do you have a nighttime ritual she normally does with you?”
“She sometimes scratches my back or runs her hands through my hair,” he says quietly. “But you don’t have to do that.”
The corner of Aiden’s mouth turns up. “Is there something you want me to do?”
“Nah,” Brooks replies, trying to play it cool.
“All right, kid. Sleep tight.” Aiden stands, and I step back, out of view.
“Hey, Aiden?” Brooks asks.
“Yeah?” It’s one word. It doesn’t even mean anything. It’s the way he says it. The way my mom used to talk to me, as if every word out of my mouth was important. My heart sighs.
“Maybe have Alix come in when she’s done. Just so she doesn’t feel left out. She never misses tucking me in. I’d hate for her to think I replaced her.”
“I can do that.” I hear the smile in Aiden’s voice, and my heart is mush.
“Hey bud,” I say, pretending like I just walked up. “You ready?”
Brooks nods. Aiden and I shuffle past each other through the doorway. His chest brushes against mine, and I pretend not to notice the zing that shoots through my veins. I feel his eyes on me, but I keep mine turned down.
I kneel beside Brooks’s bed and brush my fingers through the hair across his forehead. “You want me to turn the nightlight on?” I whisper, so he’s not embarrassed by Aiden hearing.
“Maybe,” he responds in a quieter whisper.
“You got it.” I kiss his forehead. “I love you, you know that?”
“Love you too.”
“Good.” I lean over near the nightstand to flip the switch on the nightlight. “Night, Brooks.”
“Night, Alix.” Brooks curls over, and I gently close his bedroom door.
Aiden is waiting in the living room when I walk out, checking out the family pictures we have on the bookshelf next to the TV.
“Thank you for helping me get him to bed.” He turns. “It’s always a struggle at night when I’m trying to get my mom to go to sleep, er…trying to get her to stay in bed for two minutes. She’ll probably come back out at least three more times before you leave, just so you know. The sleep aid hasn’t kicked in yet. I just gave it to her.”
“It’s not a problem. Brooks is a good kid. I’m glad I can help.” I’m glad too.
I plop down on the couch to breathe for a minute. Aiden sits beside me. “It’s really hard.” I chuckle humorlessly. For some reason I’m honest. “I’m tired. I’m really tired.”
“I can’t imagine. I mean…I lived with my grandparents for a few years, but they’d always taken care of me. Just recently they’ve needed things here and there. I can’t imagine being that person for them twenty-four-seven.”
I sigh and stare at the carpet. “The faster she fades, the more I feel that I lose myself. I’m scared for when she’s gone. I worry I might vanish.”
“You don’t see yourself very well, do you?”
My eyes shift
to him. “What?”
He pauses before answering, making sure I hear him when he softly says, “You couldn’t vanish if you wanted to. I would never let you.”
Aiden is close, really close. He takes my hand resting in my lap. My brain is asking me why I’m still sitting here, why I haven’t bolted from the couch as fast as possible. But I can’t seem to find the answer. He’s leaning closer and closer. I should stop him. I should push him away and tell him no. But I’m tired of saying no to temptation.
His face is only a breath away from mine, and he doesn’t hesitate. He’s already given me plenty of chances to tell him no. He kisses me. I fall under his spell.
Aiden and I have kissed before, but it was nothing like this. Something has changed in the way we fit together. Before, it was like an adventure through the mountains, discovering trails and scenic stops. Now, it’s a slow stroll through Timberpond Park, taking time to appreciate the simple pathways and willows.
His hands explore my body, devouring me with their touch until I feel a part of him. I am lost. I’m so lost I never want to be found.
“Excuse me. What are you doing?”
Immediately, I break away from Aiden at the sound of my mom’s voice. In an instant I’m a teenager again, being scolded for breaking curfew. I see her standing at the end of the hallway off the kitchen. Jumping up from the couch, I stride over to her. “Mama, you need to go back to bed. It’s after nine. It’s time to sleep.”
I walk a few steps before she replies. “But you’re not sleeping.”
“I will be soon.”
“Who is he?” she says slowly, nodding over my shoulder. “Who is that?”
I peek over at Aiden. I shouldn’t have. His eyes watch me as he tries to catch his breath. What was I thinking? “That’s Aiden. You met him earlier tonight,” I say, breathless.
“I did? I would have remembered…” We walk back to her room, my arm around her back, guiding her. “Daisy vacuumed today, but it clogged. She let me watch a movie and then dusted the book…nners.”
I have no idea who Daisy is. I help Mama back into bed and pull up the covers. “Just close your eyes, Ma. You’ll feel better after you get some sleep.”