Me Without You

by Mindy Hayes

  “If you want me to wait, I can,” I offer. “We can talk first.”

  “No, it’s fine,” she says swiftly. “I’ll wait.”

  “O-kay,” I say in two syllables.

  After my quick shower, I slip on some sweatpants and throw on a T-shirt as I walk back out into my family room. Bridget is standing in the middle of the room with her back to me. When she turns, her breath hitches, and my head tilts, peering at her questioningly. She’s acting so weird.

  “What’s going on?” I ask.

  She takes a deep breath. “Okay. So, umm, you know how things weren’t working out with Jay, and things weren’t really working out with Alix, and well…”

  “Things are working out fine with Alix now,” I say happily.

  “They what?” She looks more hurt than I think she’s supposed to.

  “I didn’t get a chance to tell you. It happened like a week ago. We’re kind of a thing now…” I smile. She doesn’t smile back.

  “Oh,” Bridget says quietly. Disappointedly?

  “What’s going on, Bridge?”

  Her body contorts in a weird, embarrassed way, and she begins talking dramatically with her hands. “Nothing,” she says. “I was coming to see if there was any new developments there since we last talked. It didn’t sound promising before, but now it does. So, that’s great, and I’m glad you’re happy. If you’re happy, I’m happy. You’re really together?”

  Bridget’s talking really fast and doesn’t sound at all like herself, and by the end she’s breathless. I hardly hear her last question. “Umm… what’s really going on here, Bridge? I feel like I’m missing something.”

  “Nothing.” There are tears in her eyes now.

  “Bridget.” I reach out, and she steps back, curling her arms in and pressing her fist against her lips. Is she going to cry? And then, it sinks in.

  “Please don’t make me say it,” she whispers. There are tears glossing over her eyes.

  She doesn’t need to say it. I don’t want her to say it. But I’m so confused that this is happening, I don’t say anything. There’s never been anything. No signs. Because we don’t feel about each other like that. At least, I didn’t think we did.

  “When?” I ask because I know this has to be new. I’m a guy, but I’m not that dense.

  She anxiously licks her lips and tucks in her bottom lip. “When I first told you about breaking up with Jay. I don’t know.” She folds her arms to keep herself from fidgeting. “I looked at you, and it made me think. A part of me thought maybe you and I were so unlucky in love because we never found the right people. I thought maybe it had been under our noses this whole time, and we just didn’t see it because we’ve always been too self-involved in our own relationships to think of each other like that. Cliché, I know, but it felt like it was our time. I’ve kept it to myself because I thought it would go away.” She pauses. “But it hasn’t.”

  I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I’ve never lied to anyone about us. I really don’t think of Bridget like that. And I thought we agreed on that. I try to speak, but she stops me with her hand.

  “No. I’m not about to make this weird.” Bridget walks to my front door and twists the handle. “I can see coming here was a huge mistake. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

  I take a step toward her. “I’m sorry, Bridge—”

  She cuts me off. “Don’t. Don’t do that. An apology makes it worse. It was nothing, a fleeting thought.” She opens the door a crack, still looking at me. “Because you and me in love? That’s crazy, right?”

  Bridget doesn’t want me to apologize. She doesn’t want pity. I can’t say anything to make this better. So I don’t. She’s going to cry, and I don’t know what to do to stop it.

  When she turns back to the door and opens it all the way, Alix is there. Her face tells me all I need to know. She heard us. I don’t know how much, but apparently enough.

  “Alix,” Bridget says, startled, and then looks back at me apologetically. “I’m going to go.” She slides by and jogs down my porch steps and into the night.

  “That’s not what it looked like,” I adamantly say.

  “That wasn’t a crying Bridget, fleeing the scene of…some sort of declaration?” Alix hides behind one of her layers. I can’t tell if she’s mad, sad or resigned.

  “No.” I shake my head and grab her hand to pull her inside. I don’t want her getting away before I can explain this time. “Before I say anything, I want you to know. I only want you. You’re all I’ve ever wanted. You have to know that by now, Squid.”

  Alix’s eyebrow lifts. It’s unimpressed. “So that wasn’t a declaration of love.” I’m losing her.

  “It was Bridget trying to work out what she thinks she feels. She’s confused. It’s fine. It was nothing. Meant nothing to me.”

  “Aiden,” Alix says uneasily, stepping back, trying to make an exit.

  “No,” I stop her. “Whatever she does or doesn’t feel, I’m not there. I’m here.” I wrap my arms around Alix’s waist and pull her to me. “This is the only place I want to be. Always.” I kiss her because I can. She doesn’t fully reciprocate right away, so I try harder, tightening my arms around her. I want her to feel my heartbeats, for her to know she’s the reason they exist. “Did I ever thank you for dinner last night?” I kiss her again and again.

  Alix breathes softly against my mouth. “A couple times, yes.”

  “Oh.” Kiss. “Then I need to do it again. Third time’s the charm.” I lift one hand and place it on her neck, drawing her mouth closer to mine, deepening the kiss.

  “Aiden,” she says against my mouth. “I think we need to talk about this.”

  “No. We really don’t. Just let me kiss you.”

  She sighs into my mouth. I take advantage and back her against the door. Her hands grip my arms, and then she drags her nails to the nape of my neck, latching onto my hair.

  Just when I thought she was going to change her mind her head begins to shake. “No. I really do want to talk about this.” She pulls away and presses against my chest to give herself space. Her eyes refuse to meet mine. They study my chest. “This. You and me. We haven’t reached Bridget and Aiden status. We hardly know any real details about each other. I don’t want to continue this just for you to figure out six months down the road that I’m not the one you really want. It will make it so much worse.”

  I laugh because it’s honestly comical that she thinks I could want anyone but her. I worked too hard for this just for her to pull away. “I meant what I said, what I’ve been saying. There is nothing going on between Bridget and me. This is the first time she’s even said anything to me. I don’t think of her like that. I can’t. Because you’re all I see. You’re all I’ve ever seen.”

  Alix remains uncertain. I don’t know how to convince her. Will this always be a thing for us? Will she always question us? Question me? Distrust everything I say? I could never hurt her. It’s not in my blood.

  “Alix, have I ever given you a reason not to trust me?”

  Her eyes explore mine. They look so sad. She answers no with the shake of her head. “But that doesn’t mean you won’t.”

  “I never could. I would never be stupid enough to do something that might cost me you. You’re too important to me.”

  “Men do stupid things all the time, Aiden,” she says simply. She says it so matter-of-fact it hurts me to think she has such low expectations. I hate her Dad now more than ever.

  A heaviness presses down on my heart, steadily getting heavier and heavier. It knows something my brain doesn’t.

  “I hate what he’s done to you. I’m not your dad. Why can’t you see that I would do anything for you to understand that I love you? I will do anything to be by your side, Alix. Even if it means time. I’m not backing down.”

  ALIX

  AIDEN KEEPS SAYING that. Telling me he loves me. But I can’t say it back, even though I want to. I can’t. “What if I
can’t ever be what you need?”

  “You already are what I need.” There’s a crease in between his eyebrows I want to reach up and rub away.

  “I’m what you need now. You might feel differently later. I have to protect not just myself, but Brooks too. I think we’re setting ourselves up.”

  There’s too much history between Bridget and Aiden. I can’t compete with that. Nor do I want to when I know what it feels like to lose. I can’t lose again.

  “What are you trying to say?” His voice is desperate. Afraid.

  I didn’t fall in love with Aiden Ballard. I crashed. Like an airplane nose-diving head first into the Atlantic, I lost all control.

  It’s because of that I know what I have to do.

  “I just…don’t think…I’m really what you’re looking for. You think I am, but I think you like the challenge. I think you’ll get bored. Once we get into an easy routine, you’ll see it’s not enough.” And you’ll sway. I won’t be enough.

  “Being together might not make sense to you yet, but it’s the only thing that makes sense to me. Marry me.”

  “What?” I blink.

  Aiden takes my face in his hands. “Marry me, Alix Hazel Fink. I want to spend my life with you.”

  My chest tightens while angry tears fill my eyes. Why is he doing this? “Why would you do that? Why?”

  “Because I want a future with you, to be your husband. I want to be a part of Brooks’s life. I want to wake up every day knowing it’s us against the world. I want to create a family with you. If that’s the kind of commitment you need to know I’m in it for the long haul, I’m in. All the way.”

  “No,” I breathe, blinking back my tears and pull away. “Marriage doesn’t mean commitment, Aiden. Husbands and wives cheat all the time. It won’t make a difference if we’re married or not.”

  “Alix,” he pleads. “Why can’t you believe that it’s possible for a couple to make it? We can make it.”

  “Because the one couple I believed in for my entire life was a lie. I refuse to believe in another one.”

  Love is a lie.

  I open his front door. He tries to grab my arm to stop me. “Let me go.” I can’t look at him. If I do, I might cave, and I can’t do that. For my own sake, I have to protect my heart. Or what’s left of it.

  “No. Not until we finish this conversation.”

  I didn’t plan on coming here to end things, but it feels so clear now. I was lying to myself when I thought it could work. “It’s already over. We’re over.” His grip loosens, and I determinedly walk out.

  “Alix. Alix!” he shouts. “Don’t do this. Don’t go. Please.”

  I answer with the shake of my head and keep walking. With each step I take, the parts that connected me to him break and fall, but I don’t pick them up. I disregard them. It was possible to survive without him before. It’ll be possible now.

  I think.

  AIDEN

  AS I WATCHED Alix walk away from me, it took all of my self-control not to throw her over my shoulder and keep her hostage until she believed in us. Force her to stay with me and make her mine forever. But I realized I can’t keep pushing her. She’s not ready for me. She might never be.

  ***

  It’s amazing what you can keep from people when you don’t talk. And the last person I want to talk about Alix with is Dean. I can hear the ‘I told you so’ from a mile away. So, for days I bury myself in work and only talk to him about our current projects. I’m not even sad. I’m ticked. At myself. I did this to myself. There’s no use being upset with her. She kept pushing me away, and I didn’t listen. I don’t know what I expected. I should’ve accepted defeat a long time ago.

  “Hey.” Dean peeks his head into my office. “Sawyer can’t get away from Sprinkles to bring lunch. You want me to grab you something while I’m out?”

  I don’t even look up. “Yeah. Sure.”

  “Pizza good for you?”

  “Yup.”

  And just like that, our ‘break up’ gets brushed under the rug. He doesn’t question my short answers. Apparently I’m better at pretending than I thought.

  Now that I think more about it. My anger is all misplaced. I’m not mad at myself. I’m furious with her dad. I hate that he’s ruined her. That he’s made her believe she can’t have happiness. That he’s taken her away from me.

  ALIX

  SOON I’M GOING to be bald. I realize gripping the hair at my scalp isn’t going to help, but it’s the best way to release the tension.

  “It’s a freaking nightmare,” I nearly shout into the phone. Sawyer has been getting an earful from me every day since Phil came to my house. “He keeps popping up around town. I can’t be near him for more than a minute without wanting to strangle the man. Or rather, sweep Brooks up in my arms and run as far away as possible so he can never find us again.”

  “That bad, huh?” Sawyer says.

  “That bad? I’d rather be in a tank full of electric eels than spend one more second with that jack donkey. He has the audacity to stick around, poking for information. I want to be in that facility with her. At least then I could escape. Once he gets what he wants, he’ll leave, and then what? Not show his face for another ten years? No. I can’t stand by and let him do this.”

  “Has he mentioned how long he’ll be here?”

  I rearrange some paperwork on my drafting board, trying to get it organized for the day. I’m probably more on edge since I ended things with Aiden last week, but I still haven’t told Sawyer. I can’t deal with both of those things right now. One thing at a time. And Phil is blaringly in my face.

  “He can’t be here forever,” I say. “He has to work. Get back to that other family. I guarantee you he’s sticking it out to see my mom. He’s probably digging around town as we speak. Sucks for him, since no one knows a thing about it. Except, now, news is starting to spread about Mama. I’ve had three people call me this morning bombarding me with questions, not only asking about her but also wondering why he’s here. Heck if I know!”

  “Breathe,” Sawyer calmly says. “You’re stressing me out.”

  “Sorry. I just…He’s been here for a week now, and I’m not any closer to getting rid of him.”

  “Don’t you want to know how he can stay away for so long? What his wife thinks he’s doing? Why he’s not working?”

  “Sure, but I can’t talk to that man, S. I—” I need to breathe, or I’m going to give myself an anxiety attack. “I hate that he doesn’t get the gravity of what he did to us, that he got to walk away and let us attempt to pick up the pieces. I hate him.”

  “He needs to know,” Sawyer says. “You need to talk to him, Felix. Hating him from afar will solve nothing.”

  I groan. You would think I’d want answers, to hound him until he tells me everything, but I just want him gone. I don’t need explanations for his behavior. As long as he leaves soon we’ll be fine. Otherwise, I might go to prison for taking him out of this world myself.

  I do, however, want to know how long he expects to be here. I have to get that much out of him.

  “I know. I know. You’re right.”

  “After you pick up Brooks from school today, drop him off here, and go have a private conversation with Phil. Get out all your anger and deal with him.”

  I take a deep breath. “Fine. FINE.”

  Sawyer chuckles. “Thank you. Now let me get back to putting the piping on this birthday cake.”

  After I get off the phone with Sawyer, I decide to go visit Mama. I’ve been going to see her with Brooks, but I want one-on-one time. I miss her. Brooks won’t be out of school for another few hours, so I have time.

  ***

  As I’m walking through the parking lot, an all too familiar figure walks disappointedly out of the facility doors. He paces back and forth out front; his hands diving into his freshly combed hair. My stride speeds up until I get closer to him.

  “What in the world do you think you’re doing here?” I bark.


  Phil jumps and turns to me. His hands reach out, pleading with me like I can wash away his sins. “I just want to see her, Alix. Just once.”

  “You’re out of your dang mind,” I snap. “Not going to happen. Not in a million years. How did you even find her?” I shake my head, hardly containing the fury inside. He’s truly insane if he believes I’ll let him anywhere near her.

  Phil quietly confesses, “There aren’t that many assisted care facilities within a thirty-mile radius, and I knew you wouldn’t send her away, so I took my chances.”

  I take a solid step toward him. “You’ve gone too far. I specifically told you she was off limits, and here you go—behind my back—and completely disregarding my feelings. But what’s new? The only feelings you’ve ever thought about are your own. Selfish pig,” I hiss, nearly spitting in his face.

  He has the sense to look ashamed. “I know. I know you told me no, but, Alix, I love her. There are things I realize you don’t understand. I made a horrible mistake, and there is nothing I can do to take it back.” He swallows. His next words are nearly inaudible as he professes, “But I’ve never stopped loving your mother. I just want to see her. Just this once. If it’s as bad as you say, she won’t even remember me when I’m gone.”

  Something resembling remorse wears me down. There’s something pitiful about a man begging.

  “She doesn’t even know you’re here, does she?” I can hardly say the words. The home wrecker must be a saint to live with a man like him. He probably has another family in California he’s hiding from her.

  Phil hangs his head, and then he looks up. He doesn’t acknowledge my comment. “If it means you will let me see her, I’ll leave. I promise I will leave Willowhaven for good.”

  He doesn’t even think twice about it. I don’t want to say yes, but I want him gone. I’m willing to take the chance. Anything to get him out of here before Brooks finds out.