“Hmmm,” said Grandma.
“It’s all right. Nothing to worry about. It’s good for her to be with her mom,” said Grandpa. “Now, who wants some popcorn with the movie?”
“I don’t feel like watching the movie now,” I said. “Stephanie’s gone. And I hit a deer.” And Mom and Norm are fighting, but I kept that thought to myself.
“Nonsense,” said Grandpa. “This too shall pass.”
He was always saying that.
Later, in my bed in the white wicker bedroom I lay in the dark and listened to the crickets singing outside. It was a soothing sound. I wondered how Stephanie was doing with her mom and if she could hear crickets too.
8
STEPHANIE
I didn’t know if Barry had gone to Asheville by himself or not. All I knew was he wasn’t at Mama’s house when we got there. Right away Matt went to his room and shut the door.
I sat in the family room with Mama and we watched some singing show that she had taped. I leaned up against her and she scratched my head the way she always does. Her phone dinged a few times, telling her she had texts, but she didn’t look at them. Once I said, “If you want to talk to Barry, go ahead, don’t worry about me,” but she just shook her head.
At one point, Matt trooped down the stairs and went in the kitchen to get a snack, making a bunch of noise. He was on the phone arguing with a friend about whether the greatest quarterback of all time was John Elway or Tom Brady. Then, he surprised me by coming out into the family room to eat his bowl of cereal.
“I know a guy who auditioned in Charlotte for American Idol,” he said in between mouthfuls.
“Really?” Mama said. Using the remote, she paused the show while we talked.
“Yeah. He said he had to wait in line for hours,” he said. “And his audition lasted about fifteen seconds. He didn’t make it.”
“Oh, too bad. What did he sing?” Mama asked.
“Um … some song by John Mayer, I think.”
“Did any of the judges say mean things to him?” I asked.
“No, he said they were nice. They said to keep practicing and come back next year.”
“It must’ve been an amazing experience,” Mama said.
“A lot of waiting,” Matt said. “But he said everyone waiting in line started singing together, which was cool. And they had people with cameras coming around and you were supposed to shout ‘I’m the next American Idol!’ ”
“That sounds fun,” I said.
Mama pressed the remote, and the show started again.
Matt sat with us and watched a girl sing, and then joked, “Well, you know, that was a little pitchy,” imitating one of the judges. He started laughing.
I laughed, too. Matt was making an effort to talk to us, and he never used to do that before.
“So, I have to be at the carwash tomorrow by nine,” he said to Mama. Because of his accident, Matt lost his driver’s license for six months, and Barry and Mama and some of his friends have had to drive him around.
“Okay,” she said.
“Okay. Later.” And then he went back upstairs, leaving his empty bowl sitting on the coffee table.
After the show was over, I thought Mama would want to sit and talk. I had planned to tell her about trying to kneeboard. But she yawned and stretched and told me she was tired, so we went to bed.
I had a hard time getting to sleep. I texted Diana.
R u ok after the deer?
I guess. How’s Matt?
Being nice! Can u believe it?
No!
Mama is acting weird. Not talking as much.
What’s up with that?
Don’t know. What do u think is going on with Daddy and Lynn?
Don’t know.
Should we call or text them?
No.
Wonder what they’ve told Jon and Olivia?
No idea. Remember when Norm got mad at the ranch when I refused to go rafting?
And how mad Daddy was when we had the fight in the car over ur phone? Do u think they’re telling Jon and Olivia stuff like that?
I hope not! It’s so embarrassing!
I think it’s about Daddy not going to Florida. And Lynn having to chaperone my cheerleading competition.
I was always feeling guilty about things, and I told myself I wasn’t going to feel guilty about that.
If they split up, where would you live?
Goose bumps ran from my backbone up to my skull and spread all over my scalp, prickling. I started to feel like I had to throw up. It was obvious that Diana would still be with Lynn. I couldn’t answer. After a minute, Diana texted me again.
Mr. Goose never lets me pick the place for the nest.
I smiled. She could tell that I was upset and was trying to joke around a little.
With relief, I answered.
Mrs. Goose always has to be first when we swim with the babies.
Diana texted back.
If the baby geese hatch u’ll miss it.
I know.
She was so predictable. I was sitting here worrying about Daddy and Lynn, but there was Diana, thinking about what was happening with the animals.
9
DIANA
The next morning Grandpa got me up early to go to the barn. He tried to persuade me to practice my driving on the way over, but I was still thinking about hitting the deer.
“As they say, you’ve got to get back on the horse,” Grandpa said. But he didn’t pressure me, and he got in the driver’s seat.
As we drove down the street, past the spot where I’d hit the deer last night, the whole scene played out in my head again. The beautiful narrow head. The big startled eyes. The strong long legs. And the jarring thud. I glanced through the woods around the road, looking for a deer streaking through the dappled sunlit leaves. I thought about the deer maybe limping through the woods, or lying on its side, trying to get up. I remembered the time I’d been searching for the lost wolves, and found Waya lying on her side in the woods, shot.
“Do you think I killed the deer, Grandpa?” I asked again.
Grandpa patted my knee. “Sweetheart, I don’t think we’ll ever know. It was an accident. You know how the saying goes …”
“I know, I know. ‘This too shall pass.’ ”
I tried pushing the memory of it out of my mind. Noah had texted me this morning, saying he would come over this afternoon and bring his own wakeboard. He had asked if Grandpa would be able to drive the boat for him and I said “yes.” I hadn’t mentioned it to Grandma or Grandpa, yet, though. I thought maybe I would mention it when we got home from the barn. Or maybe I’d just let him show up. That way Grandma and Grandpa couldn’t say no.
“I wonder how things are going with Stephanie and her mom,” I said.
“I bet everything is fine,” Grandpa said reassuringly. “Tell me about what you do at the barn.”
“Josie, who’s in charge of the barn, lets me muck stalls and fill water troughs and clean tack in exchange for some of my riding time with Commanche.”
Grandpa took the ramp to the highway to head for Charlotte. “So Commanche is the horse you ride?”
“For the last few years, yeah. He’s my buddy. He always sticks his head out of his stall when he hears me coming.”
“So you have a special relationship with him.”
“Yeah. He’s got a sore hoof right now, so I’ll just be helping him soak his foot. I won’t be able to ride him today.”
The barn stood at the end of a long, winding driveway. Grandpa parked on the side and then walked in with me. It was a red, open barn with bands of sunlight streaming through the open front and back doors. Josie was sweeping the floor when we walked in, and the particles she swept up seemed to sparkle in the sunbeams.
“You ready to get to work?” Josie asked, after I introduced Grandpa. “Got a lot to do today. We need to turn the horses out and pick the stalls. We also need to groom the horses, put sunscreen on their noses, and spray them w
ith fly spray.”
“Put sunscreen on their noses?” asked Grandpa.
“Oh, yes, horses with white noses can get sunburned,” Josie said.
“How’s Commanche?” I headed over to his stall and peeked in. He was standing facing the back wall, favoring his leg, and barely turned his head when I came up. Usually he came to the stall door and let me pet his head and neck.
“Oh, he’s a grumpy bear,” Josie said. “And you’re going to have to soak that foot again today.”
Grandpa came over to Commanche’s stall and peered in. “Poor fella,” he said.
“Hey, Grandpa, before you leave, I want you to see something,” I said. “Come back here.”
A Clydesdale, with heavy fur from his knees to his hooves, hung his gigantic head over the top of a metal gate separating the barn from the back paddock. Beside him, a miniature donkey the size of a large dog poked his nose through the metal strips of the gate. They looked so funny standing there together, the giant and the pygmy.
“This is David and Goliath,” I said, giving the miniature donkey a quick scratch on his head. “They’re best friends. They’re inseparable. When it rains, David stands underneath Goliath so he won’t get wet. Isn’t that funny?”
“How about that,” said Grandpa, with a laugh. “Unlikely friends.”
“Sorta like me and Steph,” I said. As if on cue, the donkey, David, swung his little head around and nuzzled Goliath’s knee.
“Aww!” I said. “Horses are always picking out a best friend. It’s cool.”
“How about that? I wonder how they pick each other?” Grandpa squeezed my shoulder. “Be back to get you in a couple of hours, okay?”
As soon as he left, I checked Josie’s white board, where she’d assigned each of us “barn rats” our individual chores.
Time at the barn flew by and the sun rose higher in the sky. After I cleaned the other stalls, I filled the bucket with warm water and went see Commanche.
“Hey, buddy, we gotta do this.” I whispered encouragement as I lifted his hoof and submerged it into the water. Then I poured in the Epsom salts and let them dissolve.
He shook his head, blowing air through his nostrils. I sat on the floor next to his leg,
“That should feel pretty good, buddy,” I said.
His ear cocked back in my direction. He shifted his weight.
Then he butted me with his nose to say hello.
“So … not grumpy anymore, huh?” I said.
Later, while I was grooming him, he swished his tail contentedly. I made sure I showed him each brush before I used it on him, so he’d know what to expect. He nuzzled my pockets for treats, because I always brought them for him, and I gave him some carrots I’d gotten from Grandma. I stood grooming him, inhaling his horsey smell, and stroking his smooth, solid neck. Worries about everything else flew out of my mind. I didn’t think, I just was.
10
STEPHANIE
This morning Mama took Matt back to work at the carwash, and he said he’d have no problem getting a ride home. Then she took me to teach my tumbling classes. Those little kids always put me in a good mood. They’re always saying, “Miss Stephanie, watch me, watch me!” and showing me what they’ve learned to do. They’re so limber and full of energy and they crawl all over me like puppies. It makes me feel really good. At the end of class I let them jump around in the pit and they love that. They’re like a bunch of little jumping beans. There’s a boy in my class who reminds me of a frog, the way he jumps around.
Now Mama and I sat side by side with our feet in warm whirling baths at a nail salon, while two chattering Asian girls massaged them. I’d never had a pedicure before! Mama got them all the time but this was the first time she’d brought me along. Colleen said her older sister had one before she went to the prom, and it was fantastic. It was true! I couldn’t believe Mama had done this. It wasn’t a special occasion or anything.
Right when we walked in, a dark-eyed girl showed us a wall of polishes, where row upon row of beautiful rainbow bottles stood lined on small shelves. They were in every possible color and shade. I stood there staring. How to decide?
I picked a pale pink polish.
“Oh, sugar, can’t you be more adventurous than that?” Mama said. She picked purple. Right away I felt bad about my choice, but I stuck with it. I felt weird having these girls wait on me, but I was kind of sore from trying to kneeboard yesterday and the girl’s strong hands felt so good as she kneaded my feet – my toes, the balls of my feet, my arches, my heels, and around my ankles. I was so relaxed I felt like sinking right through the chair.
The girls massaging our feet were talking to each other in another language. My girl, the one with long hair, seemed like she was telling a story to Mama’s girl, with short hair. My girl seemed upset about something, and Mama’s girl seemed like she was being supportive. I wondered what the story was about.
I glanced over at Mama. The water bubbled around her feet and she had one hand curled over her brow, so I couldn’t see her face. She was reading a text. I felt like something was bothering Mama. I didn’t know what to do, but I wished I could help.
Thirty minutes later, I wiggled my toes, waiting for the polish to dry. The polish was so shiny! We had these little strips of plastic wound between our toes to keep them separated. Mama had paid and tipped the girls who helped us and she was flipping through a magazine, looking at the ads.
I had nothing really to do so I watched the two Asian girls with their next customers, still talking to each other. I was glad that they were such good friends. It reminded me of Diana, so I texted her.
Hey, just got my first pedi!
And she texted back, Cool! What color?
Pale pink.
LOL. Predictable.
On the way to the mall Mama put the top down in her car and we drove with the wind blowing all around, and then she turned on the radio really loud and we sang at the top of our lungs. It was really nice to have Mama to myself.
Inside the mall, I picked out a few things to try on. Mama said she liked everything I tried on, and offered to buy anything I wanted. But I could tell something was still bothering her. She kept checking her phone. While we were standing in line to check out, I just asked her, “Mama, is anything wrong?”
She used to talk to me about her feelings of loneliness after the divorce, and when she introduced Barry to me, she said, “I really, really want you to like him, sugar.” Lately she hadn’t talked as much. When I spent time with Mama, I often felt like I was trying and trying to understand what was going on with her, but I never could.
“Are you glad I didn’t go to Asheville?” she asked me.
“Yes!” I said, and I made sure my voice sounded enthusiastic. “I’m so glad I was able to stay with you this weekend and get a pedicure and come shopping and every thing.”
“And maybe we’ll eat dinner at the Cheesecake Factory, how about that?” she said.
“I love the Cheesecake Factory!” I said.
“We’ll go there, then,” she said, squeezing my arm. Her phone dinged, and she glanced at it.
“Mom,” I said. “What’s going on?”
All of a sudden tears sprang to her eyes. “Stephanie … I decided to make a stand this weekend. And … I think what I did does matter. It did make a difference.”
“What do you mean?”
“The other day you said that I always choose Barry, and this time I didn’t. I chose you.”
I stared at her. I knew I should never have said what I said the other day about her choosing Barry.
“The thing is, Sugar, Barry still wants me to come up. He’s waiting for me. The important thing is that he understands that you and I needed some time together, so this was good.” Tears rolled down her cheeks, and she quickly swiped them away.
“Was?” I asked. Everything about this day had seemed strange. Almost like a movie or a play, everything staged.
Mama looked at her watch. “If I leave f
or Asheville after we go to the Cheesecake Factory, I can get there before midnight.” She wrapped the fingers of one hand around the muscle of her upper arm and squeezed. “You and Matt are getting along okay these days, aren’t you? I mean, is there anything else you wanted to do this weekend? You’ll be all right. I mean, gosh, you babysit, of course you’ll be all right.”
I stared at her. My breath caught in my throat, and my eyes began to sting. She was going to leave. After coming to pick me up last night, she was going to leave me with Matt and go meet Barry.
11
DIANA
I tied my running shoes tightly and did some stretches on the front porch steps.
“Don’t go too far!” Grandma Roberts called, through the screened door. “I don’t want you getting lost, now!”
“I’m not going to get lost,” I said. Their street made a big loop along the lakefront, so all I had to do was keep running and I’d be back home. Sometimes Grandma Roberts worried too much.
I took off to the left and headed down a small hill. A jumble of thoughts flashed through my mind. Stephanie thought there was something going on between Noah and me. What would it be like if Noah and I got together?
Did I have a crush on Noah, and I just wasn’t admitting it?
Hot pink roses were in full bloom beside mailboxes and in yards. Stark white flowers with a strong perfumey smell bloomed on bushes with dark shiny leaves. Houses lined the lake side of the road, but on the other side stretched acre after acre of piney woods. Occasional patches of sunlight filtered through the branches. I let my gaze wander through the shadowed underbrush in between the trees. In those woods somewhere was there an injured deer, or one that had died, because of me?
I tried to push the thought out of my head. Grandpa Roberts had said the only thing to do was go forward. His saying came back to me. “This too shall pass.” I smiled to myself.
Heat radiated from the dark asphalt. I pounded the road, my breath coming in sharp staccato bursts.
My thoughts came back to Mom and Norm. Stephanie was really worried. She didn’t even know who she’d live with if they split up. I had gotten used to our family. I liked the four of us together. I still had my issues with Norm. I still wasn’t sold on the idea of going to church. I didn’t know where I was in my relationship with God. My nonexistent relationship with God. But as for Stephanie, I had to admit that now I liked having her to talk to about stuff. Even after all our fighting.
Season of Change Page 5