by Anna Bradley
It was about her.
Perhaps it didn’t make sense, but this was something she felt compelled to do, with a kind of bone-deep certainty she couldn’t dismiss. If she did—if she turned a deaf ear when her every instinct was screaming at her to race, then where would it end? She’d turn a deaf ear the next time too, and then the next, until she’d denied the truth to herself for so long she’d no longer remember who she was anymore.
Finn wasn’t going to approve of this. That much was certain. But if he truly loved her, he’d never ask her to deny such an elemental part of herself, no matter what his objections might be. He’d want her to be who she was as much as she wanted it for herself.
“You’ll want to race Chaos, I expect. Poor Captain West isn’t at all ready for this new debacle, I’m afraid. He won’t like it any more than Lord Huntington does, but I may be able to persuade him.” Charlotte tapped her chin, considering. “He’ll want to see you ride Chaos first, though, Iris.”
“Chaos! What, that enormous gray beast?” Honora went pale. “Surely you don’t intend to race him, Iris?”
“Yes, I do. But only with Captain West’s permission.”
“What of Lord Huntington’s permission?” Lady Annabel raised an eyebrow at Iris.
Violet flopped down onto the settee next to Iris. “She doesn’t need Lord Huntington’s permission. Only Captain West’s.”
Iris smiled at that. Violet tended to see things in black and white. It would be fascinating indeed when her sister fell in love and found herself awash in shades of gray.
Lady Annabel chuckled. “You’re quite right, but I doubt Lord Huntington will see it that way.”
Charlotte sighed. “No, he won’t. He’ll want to manage everything. Men always do, and Lord Huntington more than most. And I warn you, Iris, they’re particularly troublesome when they’re in love.”
“Well, as to that,” Iris said, “I’ll simply begin with Lord Huntington as I mean to go on with him.”
Charlotte glanced at Lady Annabel. “Indeed? How is that?”
“I will always be honest with him and consider his wishes on every matter, but I will never ask Lord Huntington’s permission to do anything.”
Lady Annabel’s lips quirked. “Ah. Well, Iris, I daresay your marriage will be an exciting one.”
An image of Finn’s stern face and changeable hazel eyes rose in Iris’s mind.
Exciting, indeed.
* * * *
Finn didn’t see Iris again until the party assembled in the drawing room for tea, and then he was obliged to sit beside her, chat politely like a proper gentleman, and act as if he wasn’t going mad with the need to touch her.
By the time tea was over, he was ready to devour her.
They both lingered in the drawing room afterwards and waited for everyone to wander off to their own amusements. Violet dawdled for what seemed to Finn an interminable time, fussing with the tea things and studying the chess board until she could no longer ignore Iris’s glare, and left the room with a loud sigh.
It took every bit of Finn’s patience not to slam the door behind her. “Good Lord, I thought she’d never leave.” He caught Iris by the waist, pulled her tight against him, and eased her back against the closed door. “I’ve missed you. Where have you been all day?”
She slid her arms around his neck and rested her head against his chest with a contented sigh. “I missed you, too. I rode with Captain West all morning, then had a bath and fell asleep in my bedchamber. When I woke, it was already teatime.”
Finn brushed his mouth over hers, a soft groan rising from his chest as she parted her lips and stroked her tongue against his. He buried his fingers in her hair to bring her mouth closer, and mumbled against her lips, “Come upstairs with me.”
“What, right now? You’re mad. I can’t do that. Someone will see us.”
He hissed a protest when she gently pushed him away. “What does it matter? We’re betrothed.”
She arched an eyebrow at him. “Betrothed, not married. You’re aware there’s a difference?”
He grinned down at her, then nuzzled his face into her neck. “I deserved that, I suppose, but it’s a bit late for the distinction now.”
“Ah, but I didn’t say I wouldn’t come upstairs with you, my lord. I only said not now.”
Her blue eyes were teasing as she gazed up at him, and Finn couldn’t resist taking her lips in another deep kiss. They were both breathless when he pulled away. “This is going to be the longest afternoon of my life.”
She smoothed her hands over his shoulders, but her smile dimmed a little, and she looked away.
“Iris?” He turned her face back to his with a finger under her chin. “Is something wrong?”
“No, but I need to speak to you, and I’d just as soon get it over with.”
A dark sense of foreboding Finn couldn’t explain crept over him, raising the hair on his neck. “What is it?”
“I took Chaos out on my ride this morning. Captain West wanted to see how I did on him.”
Finn tensed, but she’d never promised she wouldn’t ride Chaos again, and he could hardly object to it if Captain West hadn’t. “And what was Captain West’s opinion?”
“He was satisfied with my skills. I have his permission to ride Chaos.”
Every one of Finn’s protective instincts bristled, but he forced a deep breath into his lungs. “I’d like to see you ride him myself, Iris, just so I can be easy about it.”
“You can see me ride him tomorrow morning.” She pulled a wrinkled piece of paper from her pocket and pressed it into his hand.
“What’s this?” He looked at her, then down at the paper.
“It’s…well, go ahead and read it.”
Finn noticed the slight tremor in her voice, and he tore open the note.
He read it, and then he read it again, more slowly, and then a third time, but he still couldn’t make sense of it. Wrexley wasn’t even in Hampshire anymore. Finn had set him on the road to London himself, and unless Wrexley had turned back the moment he was out of sight, there was no way he could have—
Except he could. He had. The villain had returned to Hampshire. Jesus, the purse on this race must be staggering for Wrexley to risk returning to Hadley House for it, especially with such little hope of success. He must know Finn would never allow Iris to run the race. Or did he think Iris wouldn’t tell him about it at all?
“I’m running Chaos in the race, Finn.”
Finn froze, certain he must have misunderstood her. “What did you just say?”
She swallowed nervously, but she met his gaze without a trace of hesitation. “I said I’m running Chaos in the race.”
Finn stared at her in silence, then he slowly crumpled Wrexley’s note in his fist. “No, you’re not.”
Her chin lifted. “Yes, I am. Captain West isn’t in favor of the idea, but he’s granted his permission, and Lady Hadley has, as well.”
She’d spoken to Captain West and Lady Hadley before she’d come to him? Finn’s hands clenched into fists, and the calm he’d worked so hard for disintegrated. “I haven’t granted my permission, and I don’t intend to, so there’s an end to it.”
His low furious growl would have terrified a grown man into submission, but she only raised her chin another notch. “I didn’t come to you to ask for your permission, Finn. But I didn’t suppose you’d be pleased, either, so I’ve come to explain the reasons for my decision.”
Finn gripped his hair in his fists. “What possible reason could you have that makes the least bit of sense? You know what Wrexley is—what he’s done. Given half a chance, he would have ruined you, Iris. How can you even consider helping him?”
“This has nothing to do with helping him. Honora says he’ll have to flee to the Continent to escape his creditors if the race doesn’t go off. She’s
afraid she’ll never see him again, and she’s made herself ill with worry over it. She’s my dear friend, and not to blame for her cousin’s misdeeds.”
Finn turned and tossed Wrexley’s note into the fire, then stood for a long time with his back to Iris as he drew breath after breath to calm the explosion of emotions threatening to steal his reason. When he turned to face her again, he was calmer. “I’m sorry for Lady Honora, but if she really is your dear friend, she won’t ask you to risk your safety and reputation for her sake. As for Wrexley, he may find his own way out of the mess he’s created—one that doesn’t require him to endanger my betrothed.”
“I’m not just your betrothed. I’m also me.” Iris’s voice was quiet. “Don’t you see? This isn’t about Lord Wrexley, or even Honora. Riding Chaos, racing him to help my friend—that means something to me. I can’t explain why, exactly, but it has to do with feeling as if I’m utterly myself, like I did when I was a child and rode with my father. I won’t brush aside something that matters to me because you don’t like it, Finn. Who will I become if I simply give way to you in everything? I can’t do it, and you…you shouldn’t ask me to.”
Finn’s throat worked. He wanted to tell her he heard her, that he understood, and that he’d never ask her to give up something she needed for him, but what if he said so, and then found he couldn’t keep his promise? What if he said it, and it turned out not to be true?
No answer came.
She laid her hand on his chest, her eyes pleading. “You said…I thought this was what you loved about me, Finn.”
It was. Wasn’t it? Jesus, he hardly knew anymore. He only knew it was all coming at him at once—the anger, the fury, the jealousy and the fear—and he didn’t know how to do anything but raise his fists and fight against it.
“I thought so, too.”
Finn froze at the stark misery that clouded her eyes when those words left his lips, and he couldn’t look at her, couldn’t bear to see it.
Her hands fell away from his chest.
She crossed the room to the door, but before she went out, she paused and turned back to look at him. “I love you, Finn…so much, but this is who I am. I can’t be someone else for you.”
She paused, as if waiting for him to say something, but he remained silent.
After a moment the door clicked softly, and when Finn turned, she was gone.
Chapter Twenty-two
The next morning, when Iris emerged from Hadley House and stepped onto the drive, the one person she most wanted to see wasn’t there.
“Lord Huntington won’t attend the race?”
She’d spent most of the night awake, unblinking eyes fixed on her bedchamber ceiling, but the few times she’d fallen into a fragmented, troubled sleep, her nightmares had been about the moment when she’d need Finn, and he wouldn’t be there.
And now that moment was here.
Iris’s body went numb with shock. Even in the darkest part of the night, when the nightmares were at their worst she’d still believed he wouldn’t abandon her, but now, standing here on the drive with the rest of her family and friends surrounding her, she saw how wrong she’d been.
“Miss Somerset.” Lord Derrick stepped forward, his face haggard, and his brown eyes grim. “I beg your pardon on Lord Huntington’s behalf. He wasn’t in his bedchamber when I went to fetch him, and his horse is gone from the stables. It appears he’s gone, ah… for an early morning ride.”
Or he was on his way back to London, without a backward glance, and without a word of explanation to anyone. Iris sucked in a breath as pain unlike any she’d ever known sliced through her.
She didn’t try to stop it. She let it tear into her flesh, let it cut her heart into shreds of bloody pulp, but only for a moment. Just a single, terrible moment, and then her chin lifted and she straightened her shoulders. She took one ragged breath, then another, and a third, the last one steadier, deep and steady…
“Shall we go, then?” Iris swung herself into Chaos’s saddle. “Lord Wrexley awaits.”
For a moment everyone stood about on the drive looking at each other blankly, as if they weren’t sure what to do next.
“Will you ride, Captain West?”
Captain West snapped out of his trance at Iris’s voice and mounted his horse. “Yes. The ladies will take the carriage. Derrick, if you would?”
Lord Derrick handed Honora and Violet into the carriage first, then offered his assistance to Charlotte and Lady Annabel. Once the ladies were settled he mounted as well, and Captain West led the party down the drive.
When they arrived at the designated meeting place, they found Lord Wrexley waiting for them. Two other gentlemen stood at one side of the field, checking their tack and fussing over their horses. Iris recognized them at once as Lord Claire and Lord Edgemont, two notable London scoundrels.
“I’d like to speak with Lord Wrexley alone, if I may. Perhaps, Captain, it would be best if you and Lord Derrick waited with the ladies?” Iris pointed with her riding crop at the carriage, which had stopped some distance away. “You’ll be close enough to see the race from there, but not so close—”
“We’re likely to get into a brawl? Yes, perhaps that would be best. I wish you luck in the race, Miss Somerset.” Captain West tipped his hat, then made his way over to the carriage.
“Watch out for Lord Claire, Miss Somerset. He’s not above trying to knock you aside.” Lord Derrick paused. “Neither is Lord Edgemont, come to that. Watch out for them both.”
Iris managed a strained smile. “I will, my lord. Thank you.”
He looked as if he wanted to say more, but after a moment he sighed and joined Captain West and the ladies.
Iris kicked Chaos into a trot and came alongside of Lord Wrexley. They stared at each other without a word for a moment, then Lord Wrexley removed his hat. “You’re very good to come, Miss Somerset.”
Iris didn’t say she was being much kinder to him than he deserved, because they both already knew it. “I’ll ask for something from you in return, if I may.”
He looked surprised, but he nodded. “Yes, of course. What can I do?”
Iris wasn’t sure why she asked when she knew lies rose more easily to his lips than the truth, but she plunged ahead. “You can tell me the truth, my lord. There was a lady, a Miss Hughes. She was betrothed to Lord Huntington seven years ago, I believe?”
Lord Wrexley’s face drained of color, but he must have seen at once there was no use denying it, and after a moment he nodded. “Yes.”
“And you ruined her?”
“It wasn’t as simple as Huntington makes it out to be,” Lord Wrexley ground out through a jaw gone tight. “I loved her—”
“No, you didn’t. A man doesn’t destroy the happiness of a lady he loves, Lord Wrexley.”
His face went dark with anger. “I suppose you think Huntington loves you? You’re mistaken, Miss Somerset. He doesn’t know how to love anyone. He’s a—”
Iris held up a hand. “That’s all, Lord Wrexley. Thank you for answering my question.”
She breathed a sigh of relief when he fell silent. She didn’t want to hear his excuses, or any of his hateful remarks about Finn. She’d made Lord Wrexley acknowledge his perfidy aloud, and that was all she wanted.
After a moment of strained silence, he closed his pocket watch with a snap. “It’s time.”
Iris followed him across the field where the other two gentlemen waited on their mounts.
“Well, Miss Somerset.” Lord Claire swept his hat off to her in a mocking bow. “Are you to be our competitor this morning? I confess you’re the last lady I would have expected. Pretty little chit, Wrexley, but I can’t imagine we’ll have much trouble beating a dainty London belle, can you, Edgemont?”
“Oh, she’s not a belle anymore, Claire. Didn’t you hear? She’s jilted Huntington.” Lord Edgemont
leered. “She won’t become a marchioness after all, and I’d say that makes her fair game. I’d be delighted to serve, Miss Somerset, if you’re looking for a lover to replace Huntington.”
Iris didn’t bother to respond to these taunts, but ran a firm hand over Chaos’s neck and raised her riding crop. “I’m ready, Lord Wrexley. I await your pleasure.”
“Fifteen seconds from now, on my word.” Lord Wrexley’s gaze was fixed on his pocket watch. “Ready. Set…”
Iris drew in a quick, deep breath, closed her eyes, and let the restless energy coursing through Chaos’s body flow into hers. A slight smile crossed her lips. This horse was made to race, and she was made to race him. Her worry and heartbreak would be waiting for her when she finished the race, but for now, everything else but Chaos fled her mind, and she savored the perfect rightness of the moment.
“Go!”
Iris hardly had a chance to twitch the crop before Chaos surged beneath her and shot forward, every sleek muscle and sinew working in such smooth harmony she might have believed they weren’t moving at all if she hadn’t heard the sudden roar of pounding hooves.
After that, she didn’t see anything at all except the green blur of the ground beneath her, and Chaos’s ears twitching with joy and excitement as they flew across the field, floating as if his hooves didn’t even touch the ground. Iris imagined the sight of his long legs, each of his perfect, leaping strides, listened to the pounding in her ears, felt the reverberation of his hooves slamming into the earth in her body as she pointed him toward the tree line and gave him his head, her own head thrown back with a shout of pure delight that she should be gifted with this moment of perfect, incredible freedom.
Iris watched the tree line draw closer with each of Chaos’s pounding strides as he devoured the ground beneath them. Lord Claire was a dozen paces behind her and rapidly losing ground, and by the time they were halfway across the field he must have realized there was no chance he could beat them.