by C. M. Albert
I walked to her slowly, my eyes never leaving hers. The smile slid fell from her face and I could see her take a few deep breaths. “I don’t know, Dez. Am I? I think a lot of that depends on you.”
She stood, heading toward the stairs that led up to the guest rooms. “Why don’t we go bring the bassinet down, and then we can talk?” she said, hurrying down the hall.
I grabbed her arm, spinning her around at the bottom of the stairs so she was facing me. Just inches from her lips, I said, “Or, we could talk now.”
“Mitch,” she breathed out.
“Just answer something for me,” I said, leaning in, brushing my lips over her ear. “Did you miss me today?”
I felt her chest rise, pressing against mine, but she said nothing.
“Did you think about last night, and how it felt when I slid into you from behind?” I growled out, low and husky.
She pressed the rest of her body against mine, her breathing increasing.
“Do you want me to be here, Dez? With you?” I laid a trail of kisses along her throat. “I mean, really with you?”
She arched, wrapping her hands up around my head and into my thick hair.
“Tell me what you want, Dez. You’re driving me nuts. I haven’t stopped thinking about you once today. Every time I was happy, I wanted to tell you. And every time I grew concerned over Ti, I was frustrated when you weren’t there to comfort me, because you do, Dez. Without even trying, I just relax when you’re around. Well, except for when you’re busting my chops,” I said, grinning.
“Even that I missed today. Somehow, you’ve become all I can think about. In just a few short days, you tore my fucking walls down, Dez. I’m defenseless against you,” I said, taking her mouth in mine.
She kissed me back, her whole body receiving mine as we pressed together. I pushed her up against the wall near the front door and deepened the kiss, hungry for more. I didn’t know what it was about us and foyers, but they were like a gateway drug. The minute I got her inside one, it was all over; I needed more.
Her lips were demanding, and I was glad the whole Rosalie incident seemed behind us. She lifted my sweater above my head, running her hands over my bare chest. I slipped my hands up under her blouse, massaging her breasts as her tongue pulled mine in, hungry, searching for more. Before I knew it, she was pushing me back until I hit the bottom of the stairs. She unbuttoned my jeans, her small hands busy as they worked my pants down.
“Dez,” I whispered, laughing, “we can’t do this here.”
“Why not?” she asked, kicking my pants aside. “Celeste and Egan are asleep, and we’re in the middle of nowhere.” She brought her lips back to mine, sucking in the lower lip as she dropped her hand and rubbed the length of me.
It was hard to argue with that. I let her push me gently to a seated position on the stairs, so that my weight was on my elbow, my hand clutching the wrought iron railing I’d hand-designed and installed when the house was mine. I never thought when I’d built this staircase that I’d one day be having sex on it with the most beautiful woman I’d ever laid eyes on. God, life was good.
She trailed her kisses down my torso until she was between my legs again, her dark hair fanning out and covering my thighs. She took me in her mouth, drawing me all the way in. I groaned, pushing myself deeper without a second thought.
I didn’t want a repeat of our first night together. Even though it had been hot as hell, I needed to be inside her right now. “Dez,” I growled, “come up here. I want to be inside you.”
She crawled up my body and lifted the skirt she was wearing, taking my mouth in hers again. As her tongue pushed in, she sank down on top of me, lowering her bottom all the way down until I filled her. I groaned, pushing up as my arm went around her back. We found a sensual rhythm, her body sliding back and forth on mine as I leaned against the hard stairs, using them for leverage. She gripped the wrought iron banister and threw her head back as she came, riding out her orgasm on top of me.
I stood, lifting her with my arm, her legs wrapped around my torso. I carried her up the stairs this way, dropping her on the bed when we got to my room. She may have thought a quickie on the stairs was going to be enough tonight, but it wasn’t even close. She’d lit a desire inside of me that I’d never felt before with anyone else. As I buried myself deep inside her for a second time, we found our rhythm that came easy to us, but this time, something felt different. I could tell she felt it, too, because her body was so in tune with mine, matching every movement, anticipating each other’s needs.
I groaned as I came, my forehead pressed against her shoulder as our bodies lay chest to chest. Her legs were wrapped around my waist, and we were as close as our physical bodies could allow.
“God, I love you, Dez.”
I hadn’t meant for that to slip out, but I didn’t regret it. What I regretted was the silence that followed. The slow, quiet sobs that answered told me everything I needed to know.
“GOD. I’M SORRY, Dez. That was too soon. Stupid,” Mitch said as he rolled onto his back and threw his arm over his face. The heavy rise and fall of his chest told me he was just as scared as I was.
“Why did you leave the room when Dr. Zampogna walked in?” I asked. We had some things to work out before I could answer Mitch.
“Dez, I’m not stupid. I saw the way he looked at you. He looked like he wanted to eat you alive—again. I know I didn’t have a right, but it pissed me off, okay?” Mitch leaned on his elbow so he could face me. “We’d just shared this exquisite night together, and then you were there for me when I learned about Ti. I felt so close to you this morning. Him coming in and looking at you like that? I felt like I’d just been kicked in the balls. I could see the desire still fresh in his eyes, Dez,” Mitch said, sitting up. “When did you sleep with him? I need to know.”
I sat up, too, facing him. I wrapped the blanket around me like a sweater, closing it with my hands in the front. “No, you don’t, Mitch. What good would it really do? It was one time. And it meant nothing to me.”
“Do you make it a habit of sleeping with men who mean nothing to you then?” he bit back.
I glared at him, wanting to tell him to fuck off. But I’d always backed away from my feelings, numbed them out since the accident. I wanted to fight through this—fight for this.
“Yes, actually, I did,” I admitted, not meeting his eyes. “It’s a lot easier sleeping with someone whom you have no emotional attachment to. You can’t get hurt that way.
“After Will died, I completely lost it. I mean—apeshit lost it. I drowned my pain in alcohol. Nobody understands it. Hell, I don’t really understand it myself. But for quite a while after his death, it was easier to fuck and forget than anything else. For those few brief moments when I was with someone, I felt a connection. Never enough to get hurt, but enough to remember. Half the time I was so drunk from numbing the pain that I wouldn’t really say I was consciously making the decision to forget. But I take responsibility for that time in my life. I live with the guilt every single day for doing that to Will’s memory.” I wiped my eyes. “I can’t undo what I did, Mitch. It’s a part of my past. If you can’t handle that, then I’m not the woman for you after all.”
It wasn’t easy to admit, but I’d done it. The worst was out. The wait while he processed everything was unbearable. Every second, every breath, felt like needles to my heart.
“Mitch, say something.”
He chewed the inside of his mouth, thinking. His arm was draped across his knee and he wasn’t moving, just looking across the room, but not at me.
“It hurt my ego more than anything else. To know that Zade has known you the way I just knew you. When the images of us were so fresh in my head—God, the way you sounded when you came, the way you looked arching beneath me. Fuck, Dez. What am I supposed to feel? I wanted to feel special. And in that moment, I doubted myself. I doubted what I felt when I was with you.
“I’d never made love to a woman like that be
fore, Dez. That’s the truth. My last girlfriend had been arm candy for art premiers, but she wasn’t someone I loved. We had sex, but that was all. But with you—it felt different. It felt more. Your body . . . God, Dez. Your body seemed made for mine. I know that sounds like a pussy thing to say, but it’s true. Then Zade walks in and looks at you like he’s remembering. Like he’s still wanting.”
“How is that my fault? I can’t control what the guy is thinking or feeling!” I sputtered. “I felt the same way, you asshole! I know exactly the feeling you’re describing because I felt it too. Yeah, I may’ve been with a few guys over the years, but I haven’t made love to a single person since Will. That was five years ago, Mitch. Five years. Do you know what that’s like?”
“Yeah,” he said quietly. “I do actually. I haven’t slept with anyone else since my attack. Do you know what that’s like? I was worried you would look at me like I wasn’t a whole man. I was so terrified you’d look at me the way you did in the market, when you saw I was missing my arm.”
“Mitch, I never—”
“Yeah, Dez, you did, just for a second. And so does everyone else. The only people who don’t look at me like that are Celeste and Rosalie. Everyone else looks at me with pity in their eyes. Like they’re remembering the man I used to be—before the accident. It was all I could do to have the confidence to take a woman like you to bed. Do you get that?” He ran his hand through his hair, then looked up at me, his eyes as ravaged as my heart felt.
“I’m sorry, Mitch. I didn’t know. I . . .” I fiddled with the blanket in my lap, trying to think about how to say this. “I only ever saw you as this strong, sexy-as-hell man. I actually love your confidence, and it never even occurred to me that you doubted yourself. Especially in that arena. I mean, three times in one night?” I blushed, remembering the way we’d loved each other. And we had. We’d loved each other.
“Mitch, look at me,” I said, inching as close as I could to him until I was practically in his lap. “This is all new to me. My heart was decimated when Will died. I dealt with his death in the worst possible way—by drowning myself in alcohol. By losing myself in the arms of people I cared nothing about. And by not valuing my ability to face the truth and really, fully heal the way I needed. But you know what? I have healed more here in a week than I have in five years. Maybe it was time. Maybe I was finally ready.” I reached up and touched his jaw. “Or maybe it was you.”
He looked up, his eyes meeting mine. There was hope there, and it made me realize that’s what I needed all this time. Hope that I could be whole with someone again.
I leaned in and wrapped my arms around him, loving the strength and passion in his returned embrace. He held me close, as if he was never going to let me go. It scared the shit out of me, but I was praying he wouldn’t.
“Newman,” I said, sitting back and returning his lustful gaze, “I love you, too. God help me, but I am head over heels in love with you, and I’m scared shitless.”
“Me too, Jerry. Me too.”
I WOKE WITH a start, bright light streaming into the bedroom window casting a warm glow over Dez’s gorgeous, naked bottom. I ran my hand over it, then up her lower back and to her shoulders. I shook her gently awake. “Merry Christmas, Jerry.”
She grinned, stretching as she had the previous morning, like a well-fed cat. She snuggled against my chest and purred. “Morning, Newman.”
Just as quickly as she’d nestled in, she sat up, staring at me wildly. “Oh my God! We forgot to bring the bassinet down!” she said, covering her mouth in horror.
“Aw, man!” I said, quickly looking around for my jeans. Shit! They were downstairs by the front door. I looked up at Dez, who met my frantic gaze before we burst out laughing. “Screw it!” I said, taking her in my arms. “We already fucked up. A few more minutes won’t hurt,” I said, wiggling my eyebrows at her. I cupped her ass, pulling her to me.
“God, you drive me insane, woman!”
“Come join me in the shower,” she said. “We can make some Christmas morning merry.”
I didn’t need any more convincing.
WE GOT DRESSED and snuck downstairs with the beautiful newly refurbished bassinet with a giant red bow on it. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, I noticed my jeans were neatly folded on the bottom step. Busted.
We headed into the living room and stopped short, not wanting to interrupt the sweet scene before us. Celeste and Egan were sitting on the floor side by side, their backs against the sofa so they faced the Christmas tree. The soft glow of the white tree lights bathed the room in a warm tenderness, despite the late hour of the morning.
We almost turned around and snuck back upstairs until we heard Egan say, “You guys can come out now.” He turned and looked over his shoulder at us, grinning.
“Merry Christmas,” I said, heading into the room. “Celeste, shut your eyes!”
“You guys had one job,” Egan said, laughing.
“Uh, actually, we had a scrolling list of about twenty jobs, thank you,” Dez said, giggling up at me. “But, yeah, we kinda fell down on this one.”
“Too busy making merry?” Egan snorted.
“Ho, ho, ho,” she said and laughed.
“Ooh! I can’t wait to hear more about this!” squealed Celeste. “By the way, I folded your jeans and put them on the stairs, Mitch.”
My face grew warm as I watched Dez position the bassinet so that Celeste would see it at its best angle when she opened her eyes, the tree lights twinkling behind it.
“Hang on just a second,” Egan said, squeezing Celeste’s hand. “Don’t open your eyes yet.”
As he ran from the room, Dez quickly picked up her camera and winked at me.
Egan came back and placed a custom-made mattress in the bassinet, along with hand-sewn bedding. I wasn’t even a baby person and I knew Celeste would get all gooey.
Egan helped Celeste stand and took Dylan from her arms.
“Go ahead,” he said. “Open your eyes!”
It was exactly the moment we’d all been hoping for, and Dez was there discreetly capturing it in the background. She may not have in the past, but here she was, showing up for these moments. Being a part of a family. Sharing love in a present and connected way. She’d never looked as beautiful as when she grinned at me, bumping me with her hip.
It was the best Christmas any of us could ask for, and it wasn’t over yet. After brunch, and putting Dylan down for a nap in her new bed, I asked everyone if we could all go out on the back patio. Egan lit a fire to keep us warm, as a storm had indeed blown in the night before, and we looked to have a good two feet of snow on the ground. We were stuck at Tranquility for a few days, and I couldn’t be any happier.
“So, I’m sure it’s pretty obvious that things have changed between Dez and me over the last few days,” I said. “I wish you’d introduced us sooner, but I’m starting to realize that everything happens for a reason exactly when it’s meant to happen. I think, had we met any sooner, our hearts wouldn’t have been ready for what we found together.”
Celeste beamed, bringing her hands together as if clapping. “I knew it!” She pumped her fist, then hugged Dez.
“We’ve both been through a lot these past few years. You and Egan more than anyone know both of our pasts. It hasn’t been an easy road for either of us,” I said, looking at Dez.
She was shifting from foot to foot, and I couldn’t tell if she was freezing her butt off or scared about what I would say.
“Okay. I can tell everyone’s cold. I just wanted to do something special. Here,” I said, pulling out four paper lanterns. “Dez taught me this week how to pray. I wasn’t even sure I believed in God before I met her,” I said, running the toe of my boot in the snow. “But this Christmas, I got all the proof I needed that love exists.”
Celeste and Egan leaned in and hugged us both as a little “aw” escaped Celeste’s lips.
“So, I wanted to lift these prayer lanterns I found in town. The idea is to make
a wish or a prayer, or ask for some healing. Then we light them and release them. If they stay floating, your wish will come true. Ready?” I asked.
Everyone nodded. I lit Egan and Celeste’s lanterns first and gave them a minute to decide their wish and to let the lantern take shape. We watched them kiss and then release their lanterns together, taking each other’s hands when they were done. They each looked a little misty eyed when they took the lighter from me to light mine and Dez’s.
I turned to Dez. “Newman,” I said, grinning, “I’ve never met anyone like you before. You blow me away with your humor, your sexiness, your passion, your drive, your kindness. I don’t know what our future holds, but I know I want to figure out a way to be together. It took me this long to find love, and I’m not letting go of it so easily.” I leaned over and kissed her. Then I whispered, “I’m letting go of my past, Dez. All the shit that kept me scared and hiding, I’m letting it go. I’m ready to face things again, and I want to face them with you.”
She nodded as she got a good grip on her lantern, holding it out so Celeste could light it when we were done. “Jerry, you were right. I was living blindly these past five years, showing up, but not really showing up. You changed that for me. For the first time, I feel like I’m really seen again. You see me as the woman I am, not as someone who is an end to your means. I never wanted this before,” she said, waiving her arm around the cold, snow-covered mountain landscape that surrounded us. “I love the hustle and bustle of big cities. But the more I’m here, the more I understand how amazing it is to be a part of a community, the more I realize I only loved the city because I could be there and not be seen. Well, you know what?” she said, looking at her best friend, at Egan, and then at me. “I’m ready to be seen again. I’m ready to love again—well, actually, I’m already in love again.”
She blushed as she looked up at me. “I’m so in love again. That’s why this is my goodbye. I’ve held onto Will’s memory long enough. I’m not the same girl I was when he was alive. And holding onto his memory like this isn’t healthy. I need to let him go. I need to forgive myself for the way I grieved. And I need to give us a chance. A real chance, Mitch.”