CHAPTER XXXIII.
So far so well. The storm had been avoided. The cook and burly butcherbowed their heads humbly before their captain; for no matter where heled they were prepared to follow. Some said that the cook could onlyexpect promotion by sticking through thick and thin to the coat-tails ofold Dogvane; but the carpenter's spirit was mutinous, and he showed nodisposition to dance either to the cook's organ, or to be monkey-led bythe captain of the Starboard Watch.
Although the Buccaneer was somewhat pacified, he determined to look intothings a little more himself, for, as he said, there could not be somuch smoke without a certain amount of fire. To begin with, he told thecaptain of his watch that he intended interviewing the heads of some ofhis departments. Dogvane tried to dissuade his master. He said it wouldbe unconstitutional and all sort of things. That the officials would notlike it. They could not bear meddling; it hurt their dignity. But it wasof no use, the Buccaneer was determined.
The high State officials who had the management of the affairs on boardof the old ship thought, like most other servants, that they could bestserve their master by squandering his money; and they did it rightroyally. Perhaps royally is not the proper word, for royalty is oftencareful, if not close, with its own money, whatever it may be with otherpeople's.
The lavish manner in which the Buccaneer's servants spent his money wasconspicuously shown in the administration of his army and navy, and infact in all his public works. The one great principle being to spend apound in laying out a penny, no matter whether it was a ship of war thathad to be built or the mouth of a poor starving person that had to befilled. Whether this waste was due to carelessness, stupidity, orignorance, or to a combination of all three, matters little. The resultwas the same.
Finding his master was not to be put off, Dogvane began to cry up hiswares like the long shore cheap-Jacks.
"Your Navy, sir," he said, "is in excellent condition, though of course,the watch on shore deny this; but that is according to custom. We haveplaced your navy in the hands of those who have been chosen on purelyconstitutional principles. Here again, we show that we are not therevolutionist that our enemies would make us out to be. Your first lordof the Admiralty we have selected from amongst those who aredistinguished for their ignorance in all maritime matters. Men who donot know a ship's head from a ship's tail. I believe I should, to bequite correct, call it stern. It is of course a difficult thing to findamongst an insular, and sea-faring people, any man absolutely ignorant,but we do our best, and no man can do more. One thus selected, sir, onpurely constitutional principles, is more likely to be free fromprejudice than your professional man, and he is likely to exercise ahealthy check upon your sea lords, whose predisposition is to drift intobloated armaments and bloody wars. This, of course, means money, andyour expenditure is already more than any of your neighbours, and if wehave not as many ships, sailors, and soldiers, as we ought to have, orthan what your neighbours have, we at least spend ever so much moremoney, which must be to you an extreme satisfaction. If they say, lookat our armies! we say, look at our expenditure! Your fellows do not costa quarter, or a fraction as much, man for man, as our fellows do, orship for ship. Cheap things, it is well known, are not only not good,but they are frequently nasty. Although your first lord may be totallyignorant of all things pertaining to the sea, he is ably assisted bydistinguished sailors, and your first sea lord is ever ready and willingto set your first lord right when he goes wrong, which he seldom if everdoes, or if he does we never receive any official information on thesubject. They all support their party. They see nothing they ought notto see, and are at all times ready to swear that whatever is, is right,as far their watch is concerned, and that whatever is, is wrong, as faras the other watch is concerned. Honest sailors can do no more."
"Master Dogvane, is this as it should be?" the Buccaneer asked.
"Most assuredly, sir. It is most constitutional, and according to yourgeneral custom."
"Master Dogvane, I have found you to be of a sanguine temperament. Youtold me my people were prosperous and contented. I have my doubts, and Ishall satisfy myself. But of that anon. Let my first lord of theAdmiralty be called."
The first lord was down below listening to the first sea lord spinning ayarn, and he was trying to learn how to do it; because at times he wascalled upon to spin yarns with reference to his department. As has beenalready stated in this most truthful history, there was a time when theBuccaneer ruled the stormy ocean. He was then one of the finest sailorsthat ever trod a plank or made use of a strange sea oath; but times hadchanged, and many thought that modern innovation had taken the wind outof his sails, and that he at present traded upon his past reputation.But people must say something.
The first lord of the Admiralty appeared. "Now, sir," said theBuccaneer, "take charge, and let me see what you can do." The wholesea-faring world had been so changed and modernized since the oldBuccaneer had commanded in person, that he really knew very little aboutthings; but ignorance can always be concealed by a discreet silence.
The first lord being thus called upon to show his professionalknowledge, cried out, "Ease her! backer! stopper!" This was addressedthrough a speaking trumpet to the old Church Hulk alongside; but as shehad never been known to move for years past, what the first lord saidwas without effect. Indeed the crew of the old Church ship were busilyoccupied in trying a rebellious priest who would neither mend his ways,nor leave his pulpit, but breathed defiance against the High Priest andall his ecclesiastical big guns.
"What is all that about?" exclaimed the Buccaneer, addressing his firstlord.
"Those, sir, are nautical expressions I have picked up on the river,"replied the first lord, "and I believe they are technically correct. Ifthey are not, I have no official information on the subject."
The old Buccaneer not willing to display his ignorance, said, "I want,sir, to know what state your department is in. What have you been doing;and how are my ships?"
"I have spent your money, sir, right well. I have bought some very fineand fast new cruisers, and I gave as much for them as I decently could."
"How is this?" cried the Buccaneer, "I used to be the first shipwrightin the world."
"Rest easy, sir," Dogvane said. "These goods are of home manufacture. Itis your custom in times of peace to let your shipyards lie idle; butwhen a scare comes, as come they will, in the best regulated nation,then we buy your ships from private firms, and having husbanded yourwealth, you can the more readily give high prices in cases ofnecessity."
"But is this wise, Master Dogvane?"
"It is constitutional, sir," was the captain's reply. He might haveadded that it was also a customary thing to sell these ships, for whichso much had been given, for a mere song after the panic was over.
The first lord continued, "Then as to what I have done, sir, I have hadthe Admiral Superintendent's house at your principal naval stationthoroughly repaired, cleaned, and re-decorated. All your ships thatfloat are in a serviceable condition, and as they have no enemy tocontend against, except the elements, they occasionally run into oneanother, just to keep their hands in, and occasionally a ship is sunk ordisabled. Although we have a due regard for your great wealth, we do notencourage a too frequent repetition of this, as it is extremely costly.There is still 'a sweet little cherub that sits up aloft and looks outfor the life of poor Jack.' That is, he would no doubt sit up aloft ifhe had anything to sit upon or any place to put it."
"You see, sir," exclaimed Dogvane with delight, "what excellent handsyour navy is in. Your first lord can also tip you a stave, as they sayat sea. He can sing you 'Oh! Pilot, 'tis a fearful night,' or 'All inthe Downs,' he is also exceptionally good at a break down."
This high praise quite pleased the first lord, and wishing to advancehimself still more in the good graces of his master, he said, "I cantake an observation. I can use the strangest of sea oaths, and I can atall times make it eight bells."
"A man, sir, who can at all times make it eight bells, must
needs be agood sailor," Dogvane said.
"But let me see him work the ship, Master Dogvane."
The first lord being thus called upon to show his professional skill,told the sea lord to stand by and look out for squalls, which heaccordingly did.
"Close by fours--" cried the first lord; but the sea lord stopped him atonce by saying, "Steady there, shipmate! you are getting mixed."
There was now a long discussion between the two lords of the Buccaneer'sAdmiralty. The first lord declaring he never mixed, the first sea lorddeclaring that he did. "Anyhow," cried the latter, "put your helm downand go about."
"Aye, aye," cried the first lord. "Helm's a lee; raise tacks and sheet.All hands splice the main brace!"
"Capital! capital!" exclaimed Dogvane, "your first lord, sir, is indeedan excellent sailor. He can actually splice the main brace and I feelsure that must be a most arduous undertaking; requiring much skill andintelligence. He seems, indeed, to be gaining so much knowledge of hisprofession that I shall have to move him to some other department,probably the army; he has some slight knowledge of military matters, butnot enough to render him unfit for the post of secretary of State forwar. Fortunately the heads of your different departments are allinter-changeable."
"How about his accounts, Dogvane?" the Buccaneer asked.
"Ah! there, sir, I think you will find his ignorance most creditable.Accounts are a sort of thing that no high official could possibly beexpected to understand."
"What does my sea lord say?" asked the Buccaneer.
"Rivet my bolts and split my plates! what do I say."
"Note, sir, the change," Dogvane exclaimed. "It used to be shiver mytimbers, you see, sir, your first sea lord is quite in keeping with theprogress of the age. These changes of course have not been brought aboutwithout much trouble and at great expense."
"What do I say, your honour!" cried the first sea lord, "why clear thedecks for action and strike up the band."
"What!" exclaimed the Buccaneer, as the blood mounted to his face, "arewe going to have a naval engagement? I have not seen such a thing,Dogvane, for these many years past."
The Buccaneer now looked on with surprise at the first sea lord, who,having thrown aside his cocked hat, folded his arms and danced round thedeck on the circumference of a circle.
"What is all this, Master Dogvane?" the Buccaneer asked.
"He is going to dance you a hornpipe, sir. Your people are particularlyfond of such things and they would come in crowds from miles away to seeyour first sea lord do the double shuffle."
"But I don't want to see it, so stop him. I want to know something aboutmy ships."
With very great difficulty the first sea lord was stopped, for he waswell under weigh and it was some little time before they brought him upby hanging on to the swallow tails of his coat.
"What do I say?" he cried. "That must depend very much upon what I amexpected to say. How's your head, captain?" This was addressed toDogvane and was meant as a signal of distress, and not as an expressionof solicitude for Dogvane's cranium. The hint was taken and the captainsaid that their master wanted to know if his ships were well found andwhether he still ruled the sea.
To this the sea lord replied, "Every ship, sir, that is not in DavyJones' locker, has the sea well under her, and, therefore, it may beasserted that she has complete control of the sea."
"Davy Jones' locker!" cried the Buccaneer in amazement, "why I sent veryfew of my ships there in olden days and my enemies sent still fewer."
Dogvane explained to his master that rapid strides had taken place inall things naval and that great changes had been brought about. "We havebeen so pressed for room, sir," he exclaimed, "that we have been obligedto turn Davy Jones' locker into one of your principal dockyards, wherewe keep many of your ships which are not required for immediate use."
The first sea lord doused, as sailors say, his starboard glim, andcontemplated old Dogvane with the other, while a look of admiration anda jovial smile played over his weather-beaten face as he answered:
"Aye, aye, sir, and every year we send a ship or two there to berepaired. The remainder we tinker up ourselves." The old Buccaneer madeno answer. Things had evidently changed very much indeed since he washimself afloat, but it never does for a master to display a want ofknowledge before his servants. As to whether the Buccaneer had lost hisskill in seamanship and ship-building was merely a matter of opinion.But there could be no doubt that anything he had lost in one directionwas amply made up by what he had gained in the tinkering line. Here hecould not be surpassed.
"All your guns," continued the first sea lord, "that are neither crackednor burst are in excellent condition. Every ship that does not want foranything is particularly well found, and your sailors, sir, are as jollyand rollicking a lot of devils as ever turned a quid or drained a tot ofgrog."
"Capital! capital!" cried Dogvane, as he clapped his hands with delight,"such skill and knowledge must be rewarded. We must bestow some highdistinctions upon these two officials. We must ennoble them and sendround your Hat of maintenance." The lords of the Admiralty were thendismissed.
In passing, it may be said that the old Buccaneer had navigated theworld in ships that, beside his present monsters, were but as cockleshells, and all his great victories had been gained on board his oldwooden walls; but now his seamen were incased in iron or steel and hadto live and fight almost under water, and it was a matter of constantdispute as to whether the Buccaneer had ships enough even to defend hisown shores. Some people going so far as to say that not only had he notenough ships, but that he had no guns for what he had.
The Life of a Celebrated Buccaneer Page 33