by Jeff Kinney
I’m very excited that you’re holding the Kindle edition of
Diary of a Wimpy Kid in your hands.
When I read my first e-book on a Kindle, I was amazed at
the possibilities. Carrying a whole library around with me on a
device I could fit in the palm of my hand? Amazing.
What’s been very rewarding to me as an author has been
seeing kids carrying their dog-eared copies of Diary of a
Wimpy Kid with them. The Kindle allows kids to have the
whole series at their fingertips, and the reading experience
is crisp and clean every time . . . with no chance of today's
breakfast staining the pages.
Thank you for purchasing Diary of a Wimpy Kid on your
Kindle. I hope it gives you lots of laughs and you have as
much fun reading it as I did writing it.
Jeff Kinney
september
Monday
I guess Mom was pretty proud of herself for
making me write in that journal last year, because
now she went and bought me another one.
But remember how I said that if some jerk
caught me carrying a book with “diary” on the
cover they were gonna get the wrong idea?
Well, that’s exactly what happened today.
Now that Rodrick knows I have another journal,
I better remember to keep this one locked up.
Rodrick actually got ahold of my last journal
a few weeks back, and it was a disaster. But
don’t even get me started on that story.
Sissy!
Punch
My brother Rodrick
Even without my Rodrick problems, my summer
was pretty lousy.
Our family didn’t go anywhere or do anything
fun, and that’s Dad’s fault. Dad made me join
the swim team again, and he wanted to make sure
I didn’t miss any meets this year.
Dad’s got this idea that I’m destined to be a
great swimmer or something, so that’s why he
makes me join the team every summer.
Kill 'em
Brandon!
No
mercy,
Todd!
Stop
shivering,
Greg!
chatter
chatter
2
At my first swim meet a couple of years ago,
Dad told me that when the umpire shot off the
starter pistol, I was supposed to dive in and
start swimming.
But what he didn’t tell me was that the starter
gun only fired blanks.
So I was a whole lot more worried about where the
bullet was gonna land than I was about getting
myself to the other end of the pool.
3
Even after Dad explained the whole “starter
pistol” concept to me, I was still the worst
swimmer on the team.
But I did end up winning “Most Improved” at
the awards banquet at the end of the summer.
That’s only because there was a ten-minute
difference between my first race and my last one.
So I guess Dad’s still waiting for me to live up
to my potential.
In a lot of ways, being on the swim team was
worse than being in middle school.
First of all, we had to be at the pool by 7:30
every morning, and the water was always
freezing cold.
pat
pat
4
And second of all, we were all crammed into two
lanes, so I always had somebody on my tail trying
to get around me.
The reason we had to use two lanes was because
swim practice was at the same time as the Water
Jazz class.
I actually tried to convince Dad to let me do
Water Jazz instead of swim team, but he wouldn't
go for it.
splish
tap
tap
Come on,
ladies! Get
those arms up!
5
This was the first summer the coach let us boys
wear swim trunks instead of those skimpy racing
trunks. But Mom said Rodrick’s hand-me-down
bathing suit was “perfectly fine.”
After swim practice, Rodrick would pick me up in
his band’s van. Mom had this crazy idea that if
me and Rodrick spent “quality time” on the ride
home every day, we wouldn’t fight as much. But
all it did was make things a lot worse.
Rodrick was always a half hour late picking me up.
Ha ha
ha!
Your friends
will be
jealous
because
you'll be
so fast!
Ha ha
ha!
6
And he wouldn’t let me sit up front. He said the
chlorine would ruin his seat, even though the van is
something like fifteen years old.
Rodrick’s van doesn’t actually have any seats in
the back, so I had to squeeze in with all the
band equipment. And every time the van came to
a stop, I had to pray I didn’t get my head
taken off by one of Rodrick’s drums.
Get in
the back.
GAAAH!
slide
7
I ended up walking home every day instead of
getting a ride from Rodrick. I figured it was
better to just walk the two miles than to get
brain damage riding in the back of that van.
Halfway through the summer, I decided I was
pretty much done with swim team. So I came up
with a trick to get out of practice.
I’d swim a few laps, and then I’d ask the coach
if I could use the bathroom. Then I’d just hide
out in the locker room until practice was over.
The only problem with my plan was that it was
something like forty degrees in the boys’ bathroom.
So it was even colder in there than it was in
the pool.
8
I had to wrap myself up in toilet paper so I
didn't get hypothermia.
That’s how I spent a pretty big chunk of my
summer vacation. And that’s why I’m actually looking
forward to going back to school tomorrow.
Tuesday
When I got to school today, everybody was
acting all strange around me, and at first I
didn’t know what was up.
scream!
scream!
9
Then I remembered: I still had the Cheese Touch
from last year. I got the Cheese Touch in
the last week of school, and over the summer I
completely forgot about it.
The problem with the Cheese Touch is that you’ve
got it until you can pass it on to someone else.
But nobody would even get within thirty feet of
me, so I knew I was gonna be stuck with the
Cheese Touch for the whole school year.
Luckily, there was a new kid named Jeremy Pindle
in homeroom, so that took care of that problem.
My first class was Pre-Algebra, and the teacher
put me right next to Alex Aruda, the smartest
kid in the whole class.
Welcome to our
school, Jeremy!
slap
10
Alex is super easy to copy off of, because he
always finishes his test early and puts his paper
down on the floor next to him. So if I ever
get in a pinch, it’s nice to know I can count
on Alex to bail me out.
Kids whose last names start with the first few
letters of the alphabet get called on the most
by the teacher, and that's why they end up
being the smartest.
Some people think that’s not true, but if you
want to come down to my school, I can prove it.
I can only think of one kid who broke the
last-name rule, and that's Peter Uteger. Peter
was the smartest kid in the class all the way up
until the fifth grade.
11
That's when a bunch of us started giving him a
hard time about how his initials sounded when you
said them out loud.
These days, Peter doesn't raise his hand at all,
and he’s pretty much a C student.
I guess I feel a little bad about the whole P.U.
thing and what happened to Peter. But it's hard
not to take credit whenever it comes up.
Teacher,
the answer
to that
question
is...
P.U.!
P.U.!
Yeah!
P.U.! P.U.!
I started
that.
12
Anyway, today I got pretty decent seats in all
my classes except seventh-period History. My
teacher is Mr. Huff, and something tells me he
had Rodrick as a student a few years back.
Wednesday
Mom has been making me and Rodrick help out
more around the house, and now the two of us
are responsible for doing the dishes every night.
The rule is that we're not allowed to watch any
tv or play video games until all the dishes are
done. But let me just say that Rodrick is the
worst dishes partner in the world.
Mr. Heffley, you'll be
sitting in this chair
next to my desk.
13
As soon as dinner is over, he goes upstairs to the
bathroom and camps out there for an hour. And
by the time he comes back downstairs, I'm
already done.
But if I ever complain to Mom and Dad, Rodrick
always pulls out the same lame excuse:
I think Mom and Dad are too worried about my
little brother, Manny, to get involved in a fight
between me and Rodrick right now anyway.
I'm ready
to start!
My body
is on a
schedule.
14
Yesterday, Manny drew a picture at day care,
and Mom and Dad got really upset when they
found it in his backpack.
Mom and Dad thought the picture was supposed
to be of them, so now they’re acting all lovey
in front of Manny.
I knew who it was really supposed to be in
the picture: me and Rodrick.
I love
you
soooo
much!
And I
love
you
so much!
15
We got into a big blowout over the remote control
the other night, and Manny was there to witness
the whole thing. But Mom and Dad don’t need to
find out about that.
Thursday
Another reason my summer was kind of lame was
because my best friend, Rowley, was on vacation
pretty much the whole time. I think he went to
South America or something, but to be honest
with you, I'm not really sure.
I don’t know if this makes me a bad person or
whatever, but it’s hard for me to get interested
in other people’s vacations.
And then we're
gonna get on a
boat and cruise
down this river
mm hmm ... Hey,
have you ever
noticed this
freckle before?
16
Besides, it seems like Rowley's family is always
traveling to some crazy place in the world, and
I can never keep their trips straight.
The other reason I don’t care about Rowley’s trips
is because whenever Rowley comes back from one of
his vacations, he always crams it down my throat.
Last year, Rowley and his family went to Australia
for ten days, but from the way he acted when he
got back, you'd think he lived there his whole life.
Another thing that's really annoying is that
whenever Rowley goes to some new country, he
gets into whatever fad is going on over there.
G'day,
mate!
17
Like when Rowley got back from Europe two
years ago, he got hooked on this pop singer
named “Joshie,” who I guess is some huge star
or something. So Rowley came back with his bags
full of Joshie cds and posters and stuff.
I took one look at the picture on the cd and
told Rowley that Joshie was supposed to be for
six-year-old girls, but he didn’t believe me.
Rowley said I was just jealous because he was
the one who “discovered” Joshie.
And what made it really irritating was that now
this guy was Rowley’s new hero. So if I ever
tried to say anything critical at all, Rowley didn’t
want to hear it.
wild
animal
heart
18
Speaking of foreign countries, today in French
class, Madame Lefrere told us we’re going to be
choosing pen pals this year.
When Rodrick was in middle school, he had a
seventeen-year-old girl from Holland as his pen
pal. I know because I’ve seen the letters in his
junk drawer.
Joshie says you
should respect your
parents and follow
your dreams!
I like the
sunshiny
days &
ice cream.
Do you, too?
19
When Madame Lefrere handed out the forms, I
made sure I checked off the boxes that would
get me a pen pal just like Rodrick's.
But after Madame Lefrere read over my form, she
made me start over and pick again. She said I
had to choose a boy who is my age, and he has
to be French. So I don't exactly have high
hopes for my pen-pal experience.
Friday
Mom decided to start making Rodrick pick me up
after school, just like he picked me up after swim
practice. I guess that means she didn’t learn
from that experience. But I did. So when
Rodrick picked me up today, I asked him to
please take it easy on the brakes.
Je m'appelle
"Philippe."
20
Rodrick said ok, but then he went out of his
way to find every speed bump in town.
When I got out of the van, I called Rodrick a
big jerk, and then it got physical. Mom saw the
whole thing unfold from the living room window.
slow
crash
ouch
bump
21
Mom made us come inside, and she sat us down at
the kitchen table. Then she said me and Rodrick
were going to have to settle our differences in a
“civil manner.”
Mom told me and Rodrick we each had to write
down what we did wrong, and then we had to
draw a picture to go along with it. And I knew
exactly where Mom was going with that idea.
Mom used to be a preschool teacher, and whenever
a kid would do something wrong, she’d make him
draw a picture of it. I guess the idea was to
make the kid feel ashamed of what he did so he
wouldn’t do it again.
I will not break the
crayons because that
makes the other children
very sad.
22
Well, Mom’s idea might have worked great on a
bunch of four-year-olds, but she’s going to have