I don't know how we ended up here. Just when I thought things were going good ... this happens. I sit and stare at her, hoping that she'll open her eyes and give me one of her strained smiles that hides her pain but tells me she's strong enough to get through it.
As I look at her, I'm overwhelmed with all that I feel. It's an all-consuming kind of emotion ... Unconditional love. The kind of love that forgives her for all her shortcomings, because she is so much more than she gives herself credit for. She is so strong. So beautiful. And so perfectly imperfect that I'm struck stupid that I can call her mine.
She's my Kara.
The machines she's hooked up to don't make her any less beautiful. Only more vulnerable, and the need to protect her grows even stronger.
The doctors chose to place her on a ventilator to allow her body to heal without overworking itself. As a doctor, I know it's standard procedure for anyone recovering from so much trauma, but it doesn't ease the ache in my chest that permeates clear through to my bones.
Watching her chest rise and fall and knowing that a machine is doing the work for her. Knowing that she's so deep into a coma that she won't hear the words I need so desperately to tell her.
It's eating away at my soul minute by minute.
"Will?" Abbi peeks her head in around the door. "Are you ready to go up?"
The twins were placed in NICU but are breathing on their own and doing really well. I've been splitting my time between them and Kara. I haven't named them yet. I'm taking it hour by hour at this point. To try to think into the future knowing there's a possibility Kara may not be a part of it is too much for me right now. I need to stay strong, and breaking down isn't an option. And I will break down––eventually.
I stand and walk to her bedside, gently leaning down and placing a tender kiss on her forehead. "I'll be back soon, beautiful. You rest and let your body heal. I'll be here when you wake up. I promise," I whisper into her ear and kiss her on the cheek before leaving.
Abbi is waiting just outside the door and takes my hand in hers as we make our way to the elevator.
I don't know what I would do without my sister. She's been such a huge support. She doesn't falter when I'm at my worst, and she doesn't relent when I'm not giving my best. To say I'd be lost without her right now would be an understatement.
She releases my hand and reaches forward to select the fifth floor. When the doors close and the silence settles in, she doesn't press for conversation. She knows I'm in no shape to carry on about the weather or other meaningless chit chat.
"You finally took a shower. I'm sure she'll appreciate the lack of BO." She smirks.
I try to smile, but it comes off as strained, and by the look on her face, I fail miserably.
The elevator dings when we reach our floor, and the door slowly opens to reveal the NICU ward. I never thought I'd need to spend any time on this floor. I'd had to spend a few rotations through here during my residency but no extended length of time, and for that, I was thankful. This, and pediatric oncology were the two toughest departments to work in. In my opinion, anyway. Working with sick children and knowing some wouldn't make it was something I didn't have in me.
I liked diagnosing and sending my patients on to other doctors to care for. My one-on-one time with patients was short and sweet and lacked any long-term attachments. I didn't want to develop relationships with my patients. It opened the door for connections to develop––and ultimately, heartache. Because in my field, death was an ever-present mistress to the marriage we shared with patients.
The doors make a hissing sound as Abbi scans her badge to allow us entry. We're greeted by the charge nurse and go through the sanitizing routine before putting on our paper scrubs, gloves, and masks so that we may enter.
These little ones are so susceptible to infection that every precaution is taken. Children aren't allowed in the NICU, regardless if they're family. They run a tight ship in this unit, which is why their success rate is so high. It takes military-like protocols to run a department like this. But it's all in the name of providing excellent care to those under their supervision.
"They've been a little fussy this morning, but they're eating good and their pulse ox counts are holding steady at ninety-five percent. Their catheters were removed early this morning. They've already had two bowel movements and are urinating on their own within two hours of each feeding." The nurse smiles proudly. "All in all, they're doing excellent."
I smile back, more than a little relieved to hear how well they're doing.
"I have rounds to make. Go ahead and make yourselves comfortable in the feeding area. They're both due for a feeding."
Abbi can barely contain her excitement as she heads toward their beds. To be honest, I'm a little excited myself. The past two days were hectic. One of them had to have a feeding tube while the other took a bottle like a champ. Just last night, the tube was removed and a bottle administered with success.
When I reach their beds, Abbi cast me a knowing glance.
Twins. It still hasn’t sunk in that I have two beautiful babies. When going through the whole IVF process, we were told there was a possibility both transplants could take, but in my wildest dreams I hadn't actually expected it to happen. Having one transplant take is a small miracle in and of itself. But two? That's just damn lucky.
"How're my girls doing today?" I look down at my beautiful daughters, and my heart fills with so much love and pride that it seeps from every pore. Every time I look at them, I get all maudlin. It's hard to contain the emotion gripping my throat and choking the breath from my very lungs.
My beautiful daughters stare back at me. Their eyes glistening with that milky blue haze that all newborns are afflicted with. They won't clear up for several weeks, and even then, their vision won't be one hundred percent. Months from now, they'll take on their own shades of blue, green, or brown. More than likely green, since mine are hazel and Sophia's were a light green.
Abbi reaches down and takes baby number one and I take baby number two. That's what they're ID cards state. Baby girl number one, Scott. Baby girl number two, Scott. Until I name them, that's what it will remain.
They're not identical, so it's easy to tell them apart. One has lighter hair than the other and a light birthmark just above her tailbone. Her bottom lip is slightly fuller than the top one that has a distinct cupid’s bow. The one with darker hair has a little darker skin tone and a heart shaped mouth which makes her look like she's smiling even when she's not.
Both are the most the beautiful babies I've ever seen. But I'm a little partial.
Abbi and I take our precious bundles to the rocking chairs and settle in to feed them.
"I can't believe how well they're both doing." Abbi beams as she smiles down at baby one in her arms.
"Yeah, me neither." Sophia must be watching out for them. The thought makes me happy and sad at the same time. Happy to know that if it's in her power to look over their shoulders for the rest of their lives, she will. Sad to know that they'll never know what a beautiful person she was. My memories will become theirs over time, but it's not the same as having her here to teach them life lessons and guide them through hard times.
At that thought, my mind instantly goes to Kara. She has to pull through this. They need her as much as I do.
Abbi and I finish feeding the babies and gently exchange the bundles in our arms so that each get equal time with me. I whisper how much I love them in their tiny ears and tell them about all the adventures that await them as they grow up.
I'll be there every step of the way to support and love them. My entire life will revolve around making sure they feel loved and cherished.
Something inside me shifts at that exact moment. Something pivotal and irrevocable. And it's then that I know exactly what I need to do.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Will
The cold winter air causes me to shiver and pull my coat in closer around me. Squirrels rummage through barren tre
es and birds tinker about looking for a meal.
All around me, life carries on without a single disruption—even though my world was tilted on its axis three days ago.
The crunching of the frosted grass beneath my feet halt when I reach my destination.
Sophia N. Scott
Beloved Wife and Daughter
Forever with Us in Memory and Always in Our Hearts
1985-2015
Slowly, I lower down to a squatting position and come face to face with the person I need to talk to the most. "Hey, Soph." I reach out and run my fingers over the etching of her name. The stone is cool to the touch and sharp around the edges; nothing like the woman it represents. My hand draws back to my knees where I clutch my hands together between my legs and lower my head in thought. My eyes close of their own accord, and I allow myself to do the one thing I've needed to for so long.
"I've met someone else." The words come out stronger than I thought I could say them. Which only further emphasizes my feelings for Kara.
I open my eyes and stare at Sophia's headstone. My heart pounds a staccato rhythm beneath my chest, and my stomach takes flight as what feels like a million butterflies flutter throughout my belly.
I swallow the lump rising in my throat.
"Her name is Kara, and she just gave birth to our beautiful daughters. I wish I could tell you that I didn't plan for this happen, but I'd be lying. From the first moment I laid eyes on her picture, I knew." I shake my head and release a halfhearted chuckle. "Then when she came to live with me, it all started to make sense. She is everything that I no longer am. The light to my darkness. The playful to my serious. She's vulnerable, which urges me to be strong. She's radiant, where I'm merely a dusky presence struggling to make it through the day."
I shuffle my weight to one leg and reach into my pants pocket to remove what I came to give back. "I can't keep this anymore." I shake my head, sadness threatening to overwhelm me. "It's a commitment I can no longer bind myself to. Loving your ghost is slowly killing me ...” I pause, trying to collect myself. "I realize now that I need to let go in order to move forward." I open the ring box and remove my wedding band. "Please know that you'll always hold a special place in my heart. But I have to make room for her too, and that means making new commitments and letting go of old ones."
I reach forward and place the band on the top of her headstone. My hand lingers on the stone, a feeling of warmth settling over my entire body. "I love you so much. Please never doubt that. I'll love you always. But I need her ... and she needs me. I know this is what you'd want, and so, I'm letting go. Be at peace, my love. Know that I am as well."
I inch forward and place a gentle kiss on the letters of her name.
And walk away from my past.
It's been one month since I said goodbye to Sophia. Kara is still in a coma, and the girls are now home. I visit her every day, begging her to come back to me.
They had to insert a trach tube in conjunction with the ventilator. The doctors tell me that each day she remains in a coma, the likelihood of her coming out lessens.
But I remain optimistic.
"Good morning, beautiful." My lips graze her hairline as I whisper the words I say to her every time I come to visit.
I take my seat next to her bed, gently pulling her hand into mine. My thumb rubbing circles over her soft knuckles. "The girls are growing. They're eating so good now. Little girl is going to be overtaking her sister on the scales soon." I chuckle, thinking about the two little angels waiting back home for me. I still haven't named them. For some reason, it just didn't seem right to do it without Kara to help me choose their names. It wasn't something we ever discussed during the pregnancy because we didn't know their sex. Now, I can't imagine naming them without Kara by my side going through baby name books and searching the internet for meanings and ancestral foundations.
A sharp pain lances across my chest. It's been so long since I've heard her voice. So long since I've held her in my arms and felt her embracing me back. I sit back in my seat, one arm stretched across her bed to accommodate my hand holding hers. The other reaching into my pocket to pull out a locket I had made for when she wakes up.
I click the latch, and it flips open to a picture of the girls on one side and a picture that I hadn't known Abbi took of us at dinner one night. I'm standing behind Kara, and she's looking at me over her shoulder. My arms are wrapped around her, fingers laced together around the slight bulge of her pregnant belly, and our eyes are locked on one another. So much love conveyed in just a simple look. Even then it was obvious to everyone but me.
"I have a gift for you. I know how much you love acts of kindness and gestures of affection. I think you'll love this one. It's so you can keep those you love closest to your heart." I look over at her face, the ventilator making her chest rise and fall with each forced breath.
Emotion floods me. Closing the locket and sliding it back into my pocket, I climb onto the bed beside her, carefully moving the bags, feeding tube, and IV lines so that I can feel the warmth of her in my arms again. With my head on her shoulder, I begin to cry. Tears of fear and an agony so paralyzing that all I can do is just say the words that I fear will never come true.
"Please, baby. Please come back to me. Just come back to me. I'll love you with everything I am. I promise. I love you so damn much, Kara." I don't worry about controlling it; I just let it flood from my system. All the pain. The hurt. The fears. The love that I feel for her.
Uncontrollable sobs rack my body, and I allow them to. Every tear shed is like one less burden to weigh my aching shoulders down. I can't bear to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders anymore. It's too heavy. It's crushing my soul with every breath I take.
"I love you, Kara. I love you. I love you. I love you," I whisper over and over, praying with everything I have that she'll hear my words in the darkness and find the light to guide her back to me.
"I'll be your anchor. Your best friend. Your lover. Your husband. Just come back to me." The tears glide down my cheeks. "You'll be my only. My everything. My forevermore."
I spend half the day there holding her. Talking to her about anything and everything. Trying my best to give her all the reasons she could ever need to fight. Her spirit too bright to flicker out. I need her by my side just as much as she needs me by hers.
She always thought I was the strong one, but what she never realized was that her vulnerability was what made her strong. Admitting she had weaknesses and learning how not to let them control her life. That's true strength.
"I'm going to go now. Abbi is probably wondering where I'm at, and I need to get back to the girls." I lean down and kiss her forehead. "I'll be by to see you in the morning. Good night, my beautiful."
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Will
I hold my girls in my arms. One on each side, gently rocking them to sleep. Their eyes fluttering like butterfly wings as they succumb to a deep and peaceful sleep.
When they've both fallen into the bliss of dreamland, I rise from the rocking chair and place them into their crib. Face to face, their legs and arms touching each other for comfort.
They can't stand to be separated during sleep. They cry and fuss until I shift them around so they're touching.
I step over to the dresser and flip the noise maker on then walk back to the crib and make sure the camera mounted above their bed is turned on for the baby monitor. With one last check to make sure they’re both breathing normally and tucked in under their blanket, I clip the portable monitor to the waistband of my jeans and reluctantly tiptoe out.
As I make my down the hall, I stop to look in at Kara's room. Everything is just as she left it. Her shoes tucked up under the vanity. Necklace laid across the vanity surface and her paint splattered t-shirt thrown over the back of the chair. Her blue jean overalls lying in a puddle next to the table leg.
Everything––just waiting for her to come back and pick up right where she left off.
&nbs
p; It's eerily similar to when Sophia died.
I shake my head, refusing to allow my thoughts to take that direction.
In the past month, I've made my peace with Sophia's death. Cleaned out her closet and donated her clothes to the women's shelter Kara loves so much. I removed it all. The bed, the chair. The dresser. The entire room ... gutted.
Everything I've done has been in preparation for Kara to come home. Not as a guest this time but as my partner in life.
Before I realize what I'm doing, I grab her t-shirt, raising it to my nose to inhale her unique scent.
I inhale her essence deep into my lungs. It smells of lavender and the oils of her paint. Uniquely Kara.
I lie back on the bed and draw her shirt close to my chest. Closing my eyes to remember all the times she stubbornly stood up to me and put me in my place. The thought puts a smile on my face. She never let me have my way. Always stood her ground even though she was terrified of the backlash. But that was before she learned to trust me. Afterward ...
I laugh out loud.
Afterward––she was fearless. Like a tiger on the prowl, she slowly took in the situation with a calculating eye before pouncing. She never did anything in half measures, and putting me in my place was one of the things she did that I loved most about her. She doesn't allow me to put up a false front. She makes me live like there's no promise of tomorrow. Love like I'm experiencing my final hours. Every emotion is heightened in her presence.
I exhale a weary sigh. "I miss you so damn much, Kara."
I close my eyes and lose myself in the memories of our times together. The bad. The good. The fantastical. And slowly but surely, I fade into the abyss of sleep, and for the first time in years, I don't dream.
I just sleep.
A ringing in the distance continues with a persistence that I find somewhat annoying.
A Whisper Of Solace Page 17