“We looked into that as an option, and it wasn’t the best choice. General managers don’t usually move around like the players do. And he’s already had to sacrifice one career so he could be a present father to Queenie. I won’t ask him to do that again.”
“What if Ryan gets traded? What will happen then?”
“He still has a few years left on his contract. And he’s one of the top goalies in the league, so if he wants to stay put, I’m sure he’ll be able to. Ryan is definitely one of the reasons I’m moving, but it’s more than that.”
“You need to get away from me?” Her voice is so small. It makes me want to hug her and shake her at the same time.
“No, Mom. It’s not to get away from you. This is about what’s best for the baby, Jake, and me. This situation isn’t ideal, and I realize that. I’m not perfect, and I make mistakes. Maybe it would have been better and easier for everyone if Jake and I hadn’t acted on our attraction for each other, but we did. And there are consequences for that. Ones we didn’t expect. But he is a good man and a great dad, and I can’t rob him of the opportunity to be a father to our child because of an awkward family dynamic or because I’m too scared to try to make it work.”
“I didn’t think about it that way.”
“Neither did I at first. At least not until Paxton pointed it out.”
“She’s a good friend, isn’t she?”
“She is. And I’m going to miss the hell out of her. And you. But I need to do this. I need to give Jake a chance to be a parent so our son can grow up knowing he has a mother and a father who love him.”
Mom squeezes my hand. “Your selflessness has always amazed me. You’re going to be a wonderful mother. You were amazing with Ryan, even if you didn’t get to bear the title the way you deserved to.”
I pull her into a tight hug and let the tears fall. I could blame it on hormones, but it’s more than that. It’s hearing those words and realizing, maybe for the first time in my life, that one of my biggest fears has always been not being good enough to be a mom. That my parents stepped in because they didn’t think I’d ever be capable of doing it on my own.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
This New Start
Hanna
PAXTON DRIVES ME to the airport the following Friday morning. Saying goodbye is hard. There are tears. A lot of them.
“Now I have a reason to use my vacation time for things other than staycations. I’ll come out and see you in a couple of weeks, once you’re settled in, okay?” She hugs me again for the tenth time.
She suggested coming with me to help me move in, but I’d rather have real time with her once I’m unpacked, so we decided to wait.
The moving truck is scheduled to arrive in Seattle this morning, and Jake is supervising the movers. They’re not only bringing all the boxes and furniture to my new two-bedroom house, they’re also unpacking for me. The only rooms they’ve been asked to hold off on are my bedroom and the bathroom. The bed and dresser can be set up, but I’ll unpack all of my clothes and other important bedroom items.
I could have easily stayed in Jake’s pool house, where Queenie used to live before she moved in with Ryan, but I felt it would be an easier transition for all of us if I got my own place first. That way we could have some time to date—if that’s what you call me passing out by nine while we watch Netflix—as we settle into our new normal.
I’d like to get my feet under me first. I’ve spent most of my life in small-town Tennessee, so I need time to get used to my new digs and a new city.
I land in Seattle in the early afternoon. It’s hard not to get all swoony the second I spot Jake at the airport, waiting for me. He’s wearing jeans and a t-shirt. The shirt looks like something Queenie might have bought for him. The sleeves are tight around his biceps and it reads BEER AND HOCKEY ARE MY JAM across his broad chest. A wide smile forms when he sees me, and his long legs eat up the distance between us. He pulls me into a tight hug and kisses his way across my cheek to my lips. He keeps it chaste, though, since we’re in a public place.
“You look beautiful as always. Let me take your bag. How was your flight?” He takes my suitcase and settles his palm on my lower back as we head for the exit.
“The flight was lovely. Thank you for upgrading my seat.” I booked economy, but when I got to the airport, I’d been moved to first class.
“I have a ridiculous number of air miles. It’s not a big deal. Do you need the restroom before we get in the car?”
“Oh. Yes. That’s probably a good idea.” I don’t remember the incessant need to pee being this bad with Ryan. Or the ridiculous thirst. It’s not ideal or convenient.
Jake waits for me outside the women’s restroom, and then we’re on our way to my house.
“I hope you don’t mind, but King and Queenie stopped by the house to help with some of the unpacking. I thought we could order takeout and have a meal together before they leave, but I understand if you’re tired and want some time on your own.”
“That sounds perfect, actually.” I haven’t seen Ryan in a few weeks, and although we talk regularly, it still feels like there’s a new distance between us that I’d like to work on bridging.
The kitchen and living room are all set up by the time I get there, the art and photos hung on the walls, instantly transforming it into my new home. Even my bedroom is mostly set up, apart from the boxes of clothes and other things no one needs to see but me.
The baby’s room is untouched, but there are paint swatches taped to the wall. “I know we have lots of time, but I would love to help you paint this room when you’re ready. And, of course, we’ll do the one in my dad’s house too, but he’s already set on a hockey theme, so I thought maybe we could do something fun and artsy here.” Queenie slips her arm through mine and rests her cheek on my shoulder. “But we can wait on that. I’m just so excited you decided to make the move. I know it must have been a tough decision, but I think you’re going to love living here. The art scene is great, and I can introduce you to everyone at the art therapy clinic when you’re ready.”
“That sounds perfect. What do you think about an appetizer and mocktail party with the girls next week sometime?”
“The girls would love that! I bet your messages must have blown up as soon as you landed with all the chatter in our group text.” Queenie’s eyes sparkle with her excitement.
“It’s great to feel like I already have a girl gang here. I can’t wait to get Paxton out to meet everyone.”
“Does she like hockey?” Queenie asks.
“I don’t think she’s opposed to hockey players.”
Queenie laughs. “They are pretty yummy, aren’t they?”
While Ryan and Jake finish hanging photos, Queenie and I organize my books and trinkets on the shelves that have been assembled. Ryan smartly told them to leave those boxes, knowing I would want to set them up myself and that however they were organized, there was a good chance I would end up rearranging them. He knows how I am about my books. I organize them by genre, author, and sometimes, if I’m feeling particularly outrageous, by color.
While we’re organizing shelves, our group chat lights up on our phones ,so Queenie puts them on video chat.
“How’s the move going?” Stevie asks as Bishop walks by in the background wearing nothing but a pair of boxers with a print I’m glad I can’t identify.
“It’s great. Queenie and I were talking about having an appetizer night here when I’m all settled.”
“Oh! That would be fun. I can’t wait to see the place. Give us a virtual tour!” Lainey exclaims.
“As long as the apps are dairy free, I’m in,” Violet adds.
We show them around the house, and Stevie invites me to join the girls on a spa day next week. I love that I’m already included in the group.
We end the video chat when the pizza arrives and take a break from unpacking.
Ryan has been pretty quiet, and while he’s never been one to dominate the conversation, he usually giv
es more than one-word answers, which isn’t the case as we take a seat at the dining room table and dig in.
“Do you have another ultrasound coming up?” Queenie asks.
“It’s in a few weeks. I have an appointment with my new doctor here, and I’ll get the specifics then.” I had one at twenty weeks and everything looked fine, but my doctor wanted to schedule another one for the beginning of my third trimester.
“If it’s during one of the away games, I can always come with you,” Queenie offers.
“I’ll try to make sure it’s not, but I’d absolutely love the company if it is,” I tell her.
“I’ll stay back if the team is supposed to be out of town,” Jake says.
Ryan pauses with his glass of milk halfway to his mouth. “You always travel with the team.”
“This year is going to be different.” Jake brushes my hair over my shoulder and Ryan follows the action, then refocuses on his pizza.
“Right. Yeah. Of course. That makes sense.”
Queenie tries valiantly to keep the conversation going, but it’s like pulling teeth with Ryan. Once we’ve finished eating, he excuses himself to take a call, and then tells Queenie they need to head out.
His hug feels…stiff and not full of the usual warmth I’m used to from him.
Queenie pulls me in for a tight hug and pushes up on her tiptoes, whispering, “He’s working through some things. I’ll talk to him.”
When they leave, I feel the emotion bubbling up. Today has been intense, between the flight, my whole life being moved, and Ryan’s less than warm reception, I feel defeated and uncertain.
Jake doesn’t say anything, just wraps me up in his arms. “I thought things were better with King.”
“So did I. I wish I knew what to say or do, but everything is so strained with him. And while I love how excited Queenie is, it shines a bright light on how not-excited Ryan is. He handled finding out I was his biological mother better than he’s handling this. The worst thing he did was go to a bar and try to get wasted. Then he got over it and moved on. But with this…I don’t know. He hasn’t been himself since I told him I’m pregnant.” I flinch at the sharp pang in my stomach.
“Are you okay?” He covers my belly with his palm. “Come sit down. Should I call the doctor? Maybe we need to go to urgent care?”
It passes as quickly as it came. “I’m fine. It was probably all the cheese on the pizza. I love it, but my body sometimes doesn’t appreciate it.”
Jake leads me over to the couch anyway and gets me a glass of water before he joins me. “Do you wonder if maybe Ryan isn’t as over finding out you’re his biological mother as you thought?”
“I think he would probably like to be over it, but it wouldn’t be unreasonable to believe this pregnancy is bringing up feelings and emotions we might not have realized were there, just like the wedding did for me. Every time I try to broach the subject, he brushes it off and says he’s fine.”
“And you don’t think he is.” Jake slips his hand under my hair, and I get a whiff of his cologne. He always smells so good, and the way his thumb smooths up and down the back of my neck makes my toes curl. It’s a welcome distraction from the emotional turmoil.
“Based on what I’ve seen so far, no. We’re usually so open with each other. I wish he’d talk to me.” I lean into his touch.
“Maybe now that you’re here and closer, you’ll be able to have those discussions that weren’t possible with you living halfway across the country. King is always very aware of what other people are feeling, and I’m sure he doesn’t want to upset you, but I think in keeping whatever is bothering him bottled up, it’s doing more damage than good.”
“Maybe he and I should have a lunch date this week. We can have a heart-to-heart.”
“That’s a good idea.” He presses his lips to my temple.
He does that often, and I’ve come to crave it.
He leans back and smiles, his expression both hot and tender. “Can I tell you how glad I am that you’re here?”
“I’m glad, too. And thank you for being so incredibly supportive. I know I’ve been nothing but emotional, and you’re probably pretty tired of tears and hormones.”
“You’re human and you’re making big changes in your life. If you weren’t emotional, I’d have a lot more questions. I know this wasn’t an easy decision to make, and that leaving your family and everything familiar isn’t a small thing, so whatever I can do to help make this transition easier for you, just tell me.”
“Do you think you can stay here tonight? With me?” It shouldn’t be a big thing, but I’m nervous asking, and a kaleidoscope of butterflies lets loose in my stomach. Or maybe it’s JJ moving around in there.
“Of course I’ll stay.” He brings my hand to his lips and kisses my knuckles. “Is there anything else I can do for you, Hanna?”
“Maybe you could give me a hand in the bedroom.”
“Unpacking?”
I shake my head no.
A slow, knowing smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. “You need some connection and stress relief?” His fingers trail up my arm, causing a wave of goosebumps to break across my skin. “Or are you just looking to cash in on some snuggles?”
I can see the hopefulness mixed with heat in his gaze.
“Can I be greedy and say all three?”
That smile grows wider, and with it, the promise of a perfect distraction. “Absolutely. Anything for you, Hanna. You know that.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
The Things That Keep Me Up at Night
Jake
IT DOESN’T TAKE long for Hanna to settle into life in Seattle. It’s made that much easier by Queenie’s enthusiasm and the way the hockey wives fold her into their group. I also sit down with King so we can talk things out. We decide it’s best for him to answer to Alex when it comes to the team, and that I can understand the difficult place this puts him in. He seems receptive, and I have to trust that he’ll tell me if things aren’t okay.
Over the next month, Hanna and I split most of our time between her place and mine, and more often than not, a sleepover ensues.
At this point, I have a small section in the closet at her place for those mornings when I have to go straight to work, and she has the same at mine. Although, she’s working remotely these days, so she only ever really needs to get dressed from the waist up. She’s taken to stealing my grey sweats and letting the waistband sit under her bump. Once all her Zoom meetings are done for the day, she trades her blouses for t-shirts. Half the time those are mine, too.
I don’t know what it is about seeing her dressed in my clothes, but I can’t deny, or hide, how much of a turn-on it is. The parts below the waist find her particularly appealing.
It’s a Saturday afternoon, and I’m working on the schedule for next week while Hanna tackles a few emails. “Are you sure you’re okay with the guys coming over for poker night? I can cancel if you want.”
Hanna doesn’t look up from her laptop, which is perched on the lap pad, her legs stretched out and propped up on the coffee table with a pillow. As usual, she’s wearing a pair of my sweats and a shirt that reads LOADING on it. Queenie bought her the shirt. “You don’t need to cancel. Besides, Queenie’s picking me up in an hour, and we’re heading to Lainey’s for movies and mocktails.”
I flip my pen between my fingers. “Are you going to come back here tonight?”
She stops typing and looks up at me over the rim of her blue light glasses. “I figured I’d go back to my place. Why?”
“Just wondering. You know, you’re always welcome to come back here if you don’t want to miss out on my legendary spooning skills.”
She grins. “That’s a kind and generous offer, Jake, but my night will probably end a lot earlier than yours, so I think the safer bet is to stay in my own bed.”
“If you change your mind, the invitation is always open.”
Hanna sets her laptop on the table beside her and stretches, expo
sing a couple inches of rounded belly. “I’m thinking about taking a cat nap so I’m not passing out on the girls before nine. Are you interested in joining me?”
“Definitely.” I roll my chair back and round the desk, extending a hand and helping her out of the chair. She’s twenty-four weeks now, which means she feels like she can relax a little. Her fears and worries are real and understandable. For me, it’s been much different than the first time I went through this.
Kimmie had never been excited about the baby—she’d cried over stretch marks. She’d been emotional and angry a lot of the time. I’d spent the majority of her pregnancy reassuring her that once Queenie was born she’d feel better. That it would get easier when she had her body back.
But with Hanna, it’s clear she’s in love with this baby, and it makes it easy for me to fall in love in the same way. We’re both all about JJ, and it’s such a shift from what I experienced last time around. Reaching the point where the baby has a chance of surviving even if Hanna goes into labor early feels like a weight has been lifted and gives us both the room we need to breathe and be excited together.
Obviously, we want him to stay put for as long as possible. All the test results have come back clear, including the amniocentesis and neural tube defects. We have another ultrasound scheduled for early next week, between exhibition games. Every time I see our baby bouncing around inside her belly, I’m reminded of how real this is going to get in a few more months. I’m a hybrid of nervous, realistic, and excited.
As for my relationship with Hanna, my goal is to make her as comfortable as possible at my place, so by the time the baby finally arrives, she’ll be ready to give up her house and move in here. Based on the number of sleepovers we have every week, I’m going to say I’m well on my way to making that happen.
_______________
QUEENIE PICKS HANNA up at five, and the guys are supposed to start arriving at six. I head out to the pool house where the food and poker table have been set up. That way the smell of wings, burps, and beer isn’t the predominant and unpleasant odor in the house, should Hanna change her mind about coming back here tonight.
A KISS FOR A KISS Page 19