by Jae
Rae trailed her hand down Steph’s cheek, along her neck, and down to her collarbone. Just when she was about to brush the swell of Steph’s breast, she seemed to realize what she was doing and pulled her hand away. “Don’t tempt me. We need to talk, and if you kiss me again, I’ll lose all self-control and won’t stop until I have you moaning naked beneath me.”
A jolt of heat went straight to Steph’s core. “Jesus, Rae. You make it so damn hard to see anything wrong with that scenario.”
Rae slowly shook her head as if needing to get rid of the images dancing through her mind. She looked Steph in the eyes. “I don’t want to be just another notch on your bedpost.”
Steph firmly shook her head. Rae could never be just that; Steph already knew that. Even though her body cried out its protest, she slid to the side a little, away from Rae, so she could think more clearly. “What is it you want?”
Rae leaned her elbows on her thighs and rubbed her face with both hands, then winced when her fingers brushed the bump on her forehead. “Hell if I know,” she mumbled from behind her palms. “I guess I…I want what everyone wants.”
“Which is?”
“To live my life instead of going through the motions. To stop having to force myself out of bed every day.”
Her words stabbed at Steph’s heart. She wanted that for Rae with an intensity that scared her even more. Rae wanted to be happy—she deserved to be happy—but could Steph really be the one to give her that? The weight of responsibility pressed her into the cushion. “I don’t know if I’m the right person for that. Unless you count between the sheets, I haven’t ever made anyone happy.”
“I’m not asking you to.” Rae roughly bunched her fist into her hair, twisting it to the side and revealing a very narrow strip of scalp where no hair grew. “Some days, I’m not sure I deserve to be happy when Kim…”
“When Kim…what?” Steph asked when Rae fell silent.
Rae bit her lip and looked away.
Steph decided to take a guess. “When she lost her husband? It’s tragic, and I’m very sorry he died, but that has nothing to do with you and me.”
“It has everything to do with me.” The words burst out of Rae. “It’s my fault he’s dead.”
The self-loathing in her voice cut Steph deeply. “I’m sure that’s not true.” She tried to take Rae’s hand, but Rae pulled away.
“It is. If you knew…”
“Then tell me.” Steph reached for Rae’s hand again, and this time, she didn’t allow her to withdraw but held it with steady pressure, silently letting Rae know that she would be here, no matter what she was about to say. “Please, tell me.”
Rae closed her eyes as if she couldn’t risk the possibility of seeing any disgust on Steph’s face. Or maybe she was focusing on the images in her head. She hesitated for quite some time before she finally said, “Mike and I rode together for twelve years. In the LAPD, that’s a very, very long time.”
“Like dog years?” Steph asked.
A hint of a smile tugged on Rae’s lips. “Kind of. Most partners only last a couple of years before one of them is transferred—or they request a new partner because they can’t stand each other. If you’re cooped up in a squad car with someone you don’t gel with, it can be hell.”
“But you and Mike got along great, right?”
“Yeah. At first I didn’t think we would. We were just so different. Mike had a mischievous streak a mile wide, always making jokes during roll call. When we first got assigned to the same unit, I was prepared to hate him. But somehow, we just…worked. We got each other without words.”
Steph threaded her fingers through Rae’s. “Sounds kinda like us.”
Rae blinked as if she had never considered that before. “Kinda, yeah.”
“Minus the kissing.”
Rae wrinkled her nose. “Ugh. Yeah. Minus that. He and I had the kind of relationship I always wanted to have with my brother but never managed. Our captain tried to break us up several times over the years because he wanted each of us to train new partners, but we resisted. The last time that happened was less than a month before…” She swallowed. “…before he was killed. If only he had gone along with the captain’s request, he would still be alive.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Yes, I do,” Rae said.
“What happened?”
Rae was silent for so long Steph thought she would refuse to answer. Finally, she said, “On March 4, Mike and I responded to what sounded like an armed robbery in a restaurant. When we arrived on the scene, it turned out to be something else entirely. One of the waitresses had broken up with her boyfriend, so he had marched into the restaurant to get her back—with a shotgun.”
Steph bit down on her lip hard when she started to suspect where this was going. Her grip on Rae’s hand tightened.
“He had dragged the waitress outside, probably to get her in his car. We couldn’t let him take her, so I decided not to wait for backup. I could always talk people down in situations like that, and I thought I could do it this time too. God, I was so full of myself. I didn’t doubt myself for a second.”
“I don’t think cops are supposed to, are they?” Steph asked, but Rae didn’t seem to hear her.
“I really thought I had done it this time too. He had started to lower that damn shotgun. I could almost hear it clatter to the ground. But then backup arrived. He panicked and pulled the trigger.”
Steph couldn’t hold back the gasp that escaped her. “He…he shot you…in the head?”
“Yeah. I caught a few pellets.” Rae’s hand trembled as she fluttered it over her eye, the two or three pockmark-like scars on her forehead, the spot on her head where no hair grew, and the top of her left shoulder. “But he wasn’t even aiming at me. Mike took most of the blast. His vest caught some of it, but one pellet…”
Steph wrapped her other hand around Rae’s too. “You don’t have to say it.”
“Yes, I do. One of the pellets hit his…his carotid artery.” Rae clutched her own neck as if she could feel the hot lead piercing her flesh. Her gaze was hazy, reaching into the past. “There was blood everywhere. So much blood.” A shiver went through her. “I tried to stop it. I tried to… But he b-bled to death within minutes, right there in my arms.” She looked up, and her gaze latched on to Steph’s in desperation. “H-he died, and it’s all my fault.”
“Oh Rae. It wasn’t your fault. It was no one’s fault but that guy with the shotgun.” Steph pulled her forward by their joined hands until Rae slumped against her and buried her face against Steph’s shoulder. Her body shook violently, like a dam holding back tons of water, about to burst. “Let it go, Rae. You have to let it go. Let go.”
Warm tears hit the skin where Steph’s neck met her shoulder. She wrapped both arms around Rae, her fingers buried in her hair, holding Rae’s head against her and wishing so much she could soak up all that pain and guilt.
Rae clung to her and sobbed without making a sound.
Each sob felt like a painful squeeze to Steph’s heart.
Finally, Rae stilled against her until just an occasional tremor ran through her body. She loosened her tight grip on Steph’s back, pulled away, and ran her shirtsleeve over her face. Her cheeks were blotchy from crying and her eyes a little swollen.
To Steph, she had never looked more beautiful.
“I’m sorry,” Rae said without looking at her. “I didn’t mean to cry all over you. Probably not how you imagined this night to go.”
“Not exactly what I had in mind when I thought about you getting me wet,” Steph said with a soft smile. “But you needed it, so it’s totally okay. I think if you want to be happy, you need to make room for it here.” She put her hand on Rae’s upper chest, where Rae’s heart hammered a rapid beat against her palm. “You won’t be able to do that if you hold on to all that guilt.�
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Rae visibly struggled to put a crooked smile on her face. “You sound like—”
“My sister or my parents. I know.” Steph groaned. “I won’t admit it around them, but every once in a while, they are actually right. You had no control over your backup arriving at the wrong moment—or over where that guy was aiming. You are a victim as much as Mike was. If that pellet had penetrated a little deeper…” A wave of nausea rushed over her, and she clamped her mouth shut, refusing to finish the thought.
“But it didn’t. It was Mike who died. Not me.”
Was it selfish of her to be glad about that? “That doesn’t mean you are to blame. It’s not like you traded your life for his.”
“I wish I could. If it would bring him back, I would—”
“I know.” Steph didn’t want to hear the words. “But you can’t. All you can do is live your life instead of wasting it on could-have-beens.”
“I want to,” Rae whispered. “For the first time since March, I want to.”
They sat in silence for a while, and Steph knew Rae was too drained to talk more tonight. “Come on.” She stood and pulled Rae up with her.
“What are you doing?” Rae asked when Steph dragged her past her room and toward Steph’s.
“Taking you to bed.”
“Um, I don’t think I’m up for that.”
Steph chuckled. “Get your mind out of the gutter. I just want to hold you.”
“Oh.”
“That is, if it’s okay with you,” Steph added.
Rae looked away. “I… It’s been a while.”
“Hey, it’s okay. If you’re not comfortable with it, I can just—”
“No.” Now it was Rae who tugged her the last yard to the bedroom. “I think it would be really nice to hold you.”
“And to be held,” Steph added. “This is going to be an equal relationship, not one where you have to be strong all the time.”
Rae pulled them to a halt in the doorway. “Is it?”
Deliciously trapped between the doorframe and Rae’s muscular body, Steph struggled to think clearly. “What?”
“Is this,” Rae waved a finger back and forth between them, “going to be a relationship?”
Oh shit. She had said it, hadn’t she? She gathered all her courage to push through the fear. “I think I’d like it to be. I just don’t know if I have what it takes.”
“Me neither.”
“You’ve had a fifteen-year relationship,” Steph said.
“That ended because I couldn’t communicate worth a shit,” Rae replied. “Plus that was before…before I lost Mike and my job. Your mother clearly thinks I’m a mental case, and she’s probably right. I mean, you saw my little breakdown…” She pointed toward the couch.
“What I saw was a strong woman who finally allowed herself to grieve,” Steph said firmly. “My mother would never use a word like that. What gave you the idea she would think that about you?”
Rae pushed her free hand into her pants pocket. “She…um…gave me her card and offered to get me in touch with one of her colleagues.”
“What? You’ve got to be kidding!” Steph looked around for her phone, not caring that it was nearly two in the morning. She wouldn’t allow her mother to interfere with her life—especially not when it came to Rae.
But Rae tightened her grip on Steph’s hand and kept her in the doorway. “Don’t. She was trying to help, probably because she was worried about you getting involved with someone like me.”
“We don’t need her help. You and I can manage on our own just fine.”
Rae tilted her head. “So you think we can do it? Maybe…figure it out together?”
Steph decided to forget about her mother’s little intervention for tonight. She smiled at Rae. “The blind leading the blind?”
“More like the one-eyed leading the blind,” Rae said.
A wave of…affection welled up deep in Steph’s chest. “We could just date and see where it goes. Avoid bumping into things by going slow.”
“Sounds like a plan. I’d like that.” Rae placed two fingers on Steph’s cheek, dipped her head, and kissed her, just a tender brush of her lips against Steph’s.
Before Steph could react and deepen the kiss, Rae put some space between them and ducked out of the room.
“Hey, where are you going?”
“Getting something to sleep in,” Rae said over her shoulder. “I’m not going to tempt fate by sleeping with you naked.”
Steph stared after her. “Bummer.”
“I heard that,” Rae called before disappearing into her room.
Steph slumped against the doorframe. Oh God. We’re doing this. Dating. Sleeping together. Just sleeping. Both were definitely a first for Steph. Never before had she taken someone to bed without having sex with them.
Rae passed Steph’s room on the way to the bathroom, shirt already unbuttoned and tie dangling around her neck. The almost shy smile she gave her made Steph weak in the knees.
“Lord, give me strength,” she whispered. “Don’t let me mess this up.”
Rae paused at the bathroom door. “Did you say something?”
“Um, I was asking if it’s okay if I sleep in this?” Steph waved at the T-shirt and the loose cotton shorts she had changed into when she’d gotten home.
“Is that what you normally sleep in?”
A chuckle rose up Steph’s chest. “No. My normal sleepwear is a lot sexier than this.”
Rae’s gaze traveled up Steph’s bare legs. “Sexier than that? Really? What do you sleep in—lacy lingerie?”
Was that what Rae considered sexy? Steph filed it away. “Nope. Most of the time, I sleep in the buff.”
Rae gulped audibly and waved at Steph’s T-shirt and shorts. “This seems fine. For now.” Her voice dropped to a husky rasp on the last two words.
Now it was Steph’s turn to gulp as she watched Rae disappear into the bathroom.
She had already brushed her teeth while she’d waited for Rae to get home, so she was ready for bed. She walked to her queen-size bed and pulled back the covers, then hesitated. Which side would Rae prefer? With other bed partners, she had never bothered to ask. There wasn’t usually much sleeping going on anyway.
Finally, she decided to take the side of the bed that would enable Rae to still see her if she really curled up against her and let herself be held. Steph settled down on her back and pulled the covers up to her chin. Christ. She probably looked like a scared virgin. She pushed the covers down to her hips.
Rae seemed to take forever in the bathroom. Usually, she was a lot like Steph in that regard—she liked minimal fuss and was in and out of the bathroom within ten minutes, max. But not now. Was she in there, staring at herself in the mirror, having second thoughts?
The bathroom door creaked open, and Rae’s footsteps came closer in a slow, hesitant pattern.
Shit. She was having second thoughts.
“Steph?” Rae asked from the doorway.
Steph clutched the covers. “Yes?” Even she could hear the tension in her voice.
“Um, I…”
“If you’d rather not sleep with me…next to me, that’s okay,” Steph blurted out before Rae could say it.
“No, that’s not it.” Rae was still speaking from across the room, not moving any closer. “My eye isn’t used to all that crying, so it feels a little irritated now, and with the new prosthesis… I was wondering if you’d mind if I leave it out tonight.”
Steph sat up. “Why would I mind? I’ve seen you without your eye.”
“Yeah, but… I don’t know. Maybe it’s different now that we… I mean, this,” Rae waved toward the left side of her face, which was dipped in shadow because she hadn’t fully entered the room and the light was off in the hall, “isn’t exactly sexy.”
Steph patted the bed next to her. “Come here.”
Rae hesitated, then padded across the room and perched on the edge of the bed with her right side toward Steph.
Steph shoved the covers aside and knelt next to her. Gently, she took hold of Rae’s chin and directed her head around so she could see her entire face in the light of the lamp on the bedside table.
Rae gulped but didn’t try to resist. The prosthetic eye was out, and what Steph could see of the socket beneath the drooping lid looked indeed a little tender.
“Everything about you is sexy,” Steph said firmly. “Do you hear that? Everything. Now come to bed, and don’t force me to say more sappy stuff.”
Rae barked out a laugh. “God, you’re something else.”
“Is that a good thing?” Steph asked.
“A very good thing.”
They stretched out on their sides next to each other, close but not touching.
Steph looked her in the eye. “You don’t ever have to hesitate to take off anything you want around me—and that includes your prosthetic eye.”
“Thanks.” Rae’s voice was husky.
“So,” Steph said after a while, “are you a cuddler?”
“Nah. Not really.”
“Me neither.”
They looked at each other.
“Want to make an exception since I promised to hold you and all?” Steph asked.
Rae smiled and nodded.
Steph rolled onto her back and opened her arms.
Rae slid down a little, wrapped one long arm around her, and settled her head on Steph’s chest. Then she lifted it again, laid it back down, and repeated the entire process about two or three times, shifting against her.
The slow slide of Rae’s warm body against her own sent tingles down to Steph’s toes. When Rae’s chin rubbed along her nipple, Steph dug her teeth into her bottom lip to keep from moaning and wrapped both arms around her to hold her still. There was only so much temptation she could resist. “What are you doing?”