by Jae
Steph hesitated. She did want a new beer, and with his twinkling blue eyes and California-surfer-type good looks, the guy was kind of cute, but if she accepted the drink he offered, he’d take it as an invitation to flirt his ass off. Was some harmless flirting okay if you were in a relationship?
God, she was in a relationship! She still couldn’t believe it.
The bartender came over. “What can I get you?” he asked the guy.
“Another beer?” The cute guy gave Steph a questioning look.
“No, thanks,” Steph said. “I’m good.”
“Just a beer for me, then,” the guy said to the bartender. When he received it, he turned back to Steph. “If you change your mind, I’ll be over there.” He pointed across the room.
“Good to know.” Steph gave him a friendly, but not too friendly smile.
Penny stared after him, then gave Steph a wide-eyed look. “What just happened?”
“Hmm?”
“First you bomb, then you turn down a drink from a guy who’s obviously into you. What’s going on with you?”
Steph stared at the puddle of water that had formed beneath her beer bottle. “I’ve turned down drinks before.”
“Yeah, from assholes, but he seemed nice.” Penny reached over and felt Steph’s forehead. “What’s up? You’re not sick, are you?”
Laughing, Steph swiped her hand away. “I’m fine. I just… I’m in a relationship now, so letting someone else buy me a drink might not be—”
“Wait, wait, wait!” Penny tapped her ear. “Can you repeat that? It’s so loud in here that I thought you said you’re in a relationship.” She laughed.
Steph took a sip of her lukewarm beer. “Yeah, that’s what I said.”
Penny’s laughter stopped abruptly. She grabbed hold of the bar with both hands. “You? In a relationship? You’re kidding, right? This is like the fake relationship thing you and Rae had going on, isn’t it?”
“No,” Steph said. “There’s nothing fake about it. It’s the real deal.”
“Christ on a bike! How did that happen?”
Steph let out a nervous chuckle. “I have no idea.”
“Who?” Penny still looked as if she was about to slip from her barstool. “Oh, wait, don’t tell me. It’s Rae, isn’t it?”
Now it was Steph’s turn to take hold of the bar. “How did you guess?” She hadn’t been that obvious, had she?
“Easy. You cared a lot about her opinion of you, even as you were complaining about her cramping your style.”
“But…but…” That had been nearly two months ago, when they had first moved in with each other. Had there really been a kernel of something between them even back then?
Penny laughed. “God, you should see your face. I never thought I’d get to see you this way.”
“What way?”
“In love!”
“Whoa!” Steph held up both hands. “I never said that.”
“So you’re saying you’re not in love?”
“I’m saying we’re taking it slow.” Steph looked away. Her heart was racing. “I…I care about her, and I don’t want to mess this up and hurt her.”
“Now I get it! That’s why you were so distracted on stage. You’re having feelings other than lust for someone for the first time, and you’re freaking out a little.”
Steph pushed the bottle of beer away. “I’m not freaking out.”
Penny raised her brows at her.
“Well, not much anyway.”
Penny’s eyebrows lifted even higher.
“Okay, I’m scared shitless. I mean, you just said it yourself. I rarely reject a hot guy or a beautiful woman who’s up for a little flirting…or more. What if I’m not cut out for a relationship? What if I can’t be monogamous?”
Penny’s mop of hair quivered as she laughed.
“Thanks a lot,” Steph grumbled. “I’m baring my soul here, and you’re laughing at me?”
“Hey.” Penny stretched her five-foot-one frame to wrap her arm around Steph. “I’m not making fun of you. It’s just… When was the last time you had an ‘or more’ with anyone?”
“What?”
“You always text me when you’re going home with someone, in case the person turns out to be a creep.”
Steph shrugged. “Yeah. So?”
“I just realized it’s been months since I got a text like that. Unless you went home with someone without telling me, you haven’t been with anyone since the day you moved in with Rae.”
Steph’s foot slid off the rung of the stool. “Holy hell.” Penny was right! She hadn’t slept with anyone since U-Haul Girl, and she hadn’t even noticed! How on earth had that happened? She lifted her bottle and gave the bartender a desperate wave. She really needed another beer now.
Penny laughed and squeezed her hip. “See? You’re basically already monogamous.”
Steph needed a few seconds to make her vocal cords work. “I guess you’re right. Want to know the weirdest thing? I don’t miss hooking up with other people. I always thought I’d get bored if I let myself be tied down by one person.”
“What’s different with Rae?” Penny asked.
“I don’t know.” Steph took a sip of the beer the bartender slid in front of her. “She just…she gets me. Even the parts that I don’t usually show people. And at the same time, she doesn’t let me get away with anything.”
Penny leaned her head on Steph’s shoulder. “Aww. Sounds great. I always wanted that for you. Hold on to it with both hands, okay?”
“How do I do that?”
“Sounds like you’re already doing it,” Penny said. “Keep doing what you’re doing, and you’ll be fine.”
Could it really be that easy? Steph gave her a skeptical look.
Penny burst out laughing.
“Jesus, you’ll give me a complex if you keep doing that. Why are you laughing now?”
Penny pressed a hand to her mouth, but little giggles still slipped through. “Sorry. I swear I’m not laughing at you. Not really. I just remembered that old joke. What do two lesbians bring on their second date?”
“I’m bi, not a lesbian.”
“Fine. What do two women-loving women bring on their second date?”
“A U-Haul.” Steph flicked her gaze upward. “Oldest joke in the book. What’s so funny about that?”
“You and Rae really did.”
Steph paused with the bottle halfway to her lips. Laughter bubbled up, and soon they were both bent over, gasping for breath.
When Steph let herself into the apartment, it was close to midnight—late for most people, but not for her and Rae, who never made it home from work any earlier than that. But when Steph stepped into the hall, everything was dark and quiet. Hadn’t Rae returned from her visit with Kim? She’d said she would make it home well before sunset.
Concern stirred in her belly. She flicked the light on.
Rae’s keys were on the table in the hall, next to a beautifully framed photo.
Steph picked it up to study it.
Her gaze took in Kim and a handsome man who was probably her late husband, then immediately zeroed in on Rae. God, she looked hot in her uniform…and she looked happy. Her head was thrown back, and she was laughing, eyes flashing with unrestrained mirth. Steph longed to hear her laugh like that.
Gently, she put the photo back down and laid her keys next to Rae’s.
Everything remained quiet in the apartment. No light came from beneath Rae’s door. Apparently, she had gone to bed already.
A quiet sigh escaped Steph. She trudged past Rae’s door on the way to her own room. Oh come on. You are the one who was always afraid of feeling smothered in a relationship, and now you’re disappointed because Rae didn’t wait up for you?
But she couldn’t help it. After the
day she’d had, all she wanted was to crawl into bed with Rae and forget about everything but Rae’s comforting warmth. Could she just do that? She had no idea what the protocol was now that they weren’t only roommates anymore. Did Rae expect them to share the bed from now on, or had last night been an exception? Did Rae want to wait until they were ready to have sex? Or would they play it by ear and decide on a night-to-night basis?
Damn. Dating someone was hard, and already living with the person you dated made it even more complicated. Should she knock and ask?
But she didn’t want to wake Rae or come across as clingy. Besides, what if Rae preferred to sleep alone for now and said no? That would make things awkward.
Steph plodded to the bathroom and got ready for bed. In a T-shirt and a pair of panties, she tiptoed to her room. She paused in front of Rae’s door and listened.
Still no sound or light coming from her room.
Sighing, Steph flicked off the light in the living room.
Before she could head to her room, a board creaked and then the door swung open. A warm body collided with Steph’s, and a gasp of surprise echoed through the darkness.
“Just me,” Steph called quickly before Rae could mistake her for a burglar and knock her out. She grasped Rae’s arms to keep them both upright.
“Jesus, Steph!” The light flared on. Rae stood in front of her, wearing a pair of boxer shorts and a faded LAPD T-shirt. “What are you doing?”
“Um, going to bed.”
“In front of my door?” Rae frowned, then her lips formed a silent “Oh.” She cleared her throat. “Did you want to…you know?”
“What?”
Rae pointed over her shoulder. “Sleep with me? In my bed, I mean.”
“That’s not why I was in front of your room.” Steph could have slapped herself the moment she said it, but she didn’t want Rae to think she was too needy.
“Okay.” Rae walked past her to the kitchen, where she got herself a glass of water.
Steph watched her take several big sips but couldn’t interpret the expression on Rae’s face. Was she disappointed, or was Steph just projecting her own feelings onto her? God, she really needed to stop overthinking everything. She was starting to sound like her parents.
Half-empty glass in hand, Rae stepped past her on the way back to her room.
Steph stopped thinking and let herself react. She grabbed a handful of Rae’s T-shirt and tugged her to a halt. “I do want to. Sleep with you. In your bed. Can I?”
A smile transformed Rae’s brooding good looks into something that took Steph’s breath away.
“Of course. Come on.” Rae reached for her hand and led her into her bedroom, where she lifted the covers up for Steph to slip beneath.
Steph crawled into the warm nest, immediately surrounded by Rae’s scent and her body heat, even before Rae climbed in next to her. A pleasant shiver went through her as Rae’s bare legs slid along her own.
Rae rolled onto her back and pulled Steph into her arms.
Mmm. Steph cuddled closer. The feel of Rae’s body against her own was addictive. She couldn’t believe she had nearly missed out on this just because of…what? Pride? It took her hazy brain several seconds to realize she was lying to Rae’s left. “Do you want us to switch sides?”
“Nah. Seeing is overrated.” Rae trailed her hand over Steph’s back, then, as if deciding that she needed closer contact, slipped beneath her T-shirt and caressed her bare skin.
Steph’s eyes fluttered shut. Seeing was definitely overrated. Every nerve ending in her body was focused on feeling.
“Is this okay?” Rae whispered.
“Mmm, very okay.” Steph arched into the touch.
“Even if…?”
Steph forced her eyes open, but it was too dark to make out Rae’s face. “Even if what?”
“Even if it’s all we’re doing?” Rae sighed. “My body is giving me other signals right now, but I’m really not up for more than this tonight.”
Steph felt around in the darkness until her fingertips made contact with the soft skin of Rae’s cheek. “Listen. I love sex. I never made a secret of that, and I don’t think it’s much of a secret either that I’d love to have sex with you.”
Rae’s groan rumbled through Steph since she was pressed against her body. “God, I want that too.” Her voice came out husky. “But…”
“But if you need a hug or a cuddle more than you need multiple orgasms, that’s totally fine,” Steph said.
“Multiple…” Rae sucked in a breath. “God, you’ll be the death of me.”
Steph chuckled. “Yeah, but what a way to go.” She sobered and caressed Rae’s cheek. “Seriously, though. I know I don’t have the best track record. Hell, I have no track record when it comes to relationships. But please believe me when I say that this isn’t just about sex for me.” Maybe that was why she was totally fine with not having sex for now—because she knew that for the first time in her life, it would be much more than merely sex. God, that was a scary thought. It made her feel like a nervous teenager who had no clue what she was doing.
Rae wrapped her arms around her more tightly and held her as if she couldn’t find the right words.
Steph settled her head on Rae’s shoulder and buried her nose in the soft fabric of the old LAPD T-shirt. It smelled deliciously of Rae. “You said you’re not up for more tonight. Did something happen while you were at Kim’s?”
“We…we talked. About Mike. About what happened.”
Steph put her palm on Rae’s upper chest and spread her fingers. Rae’s heart beat much too fast beneath her hand. “Oh Rae. That must have been tough. Are you okay?”
“Mm-hmm. Getting there. She said the same thing you did. That it wasn’t my fault.”
“It wasn’t,” Steph said firmly.
Rae was silent for a while, as if she needed some time to let that thought sink in. “How was your day?”
Wow. She was suddenly part of a couple who asked each other how their day had been! Steph had always considered that boring and predictable, but now she found it unexpectedly nice to have someone care enough to ask. “Not great, but definitely not as bad as yours.”
“Hey, this isn’t the suffering Olympics.” Rae trailed her hand down Steph’s back once more. “I know saying goodbye to Moose was hard for you. Want to tell me about it?”
“Moose was his usual sweet self, totally excited to see me and head out for a walk. He didn’t know it was the last time, and that made it even tougher. And then I bombed in front of Penny and about a dozen comics I know.”
“Bombed? You?”
“Yeah, royally.” Steph groaned. “By tomorrow, half of LA’s comedy scene will know. I hope Mr. Hicks doesn’t hear about it and change his mind about the New Year’s Eve show.”
“Nonsense. Every comic bombs at an open mic every now and then. Even I know that.” Rae drew soothing circles between her shoulder blades. “Probably just jitters before the big show. You’ll do great when it really matters.”
“Great,” Steph repeated. “What if that’s not enough? There’s plenty of great comics out there, but only a handful of them ever have their big break. Sometimes, I wonder if my parents might be right and I should consider other—”
A soft squeeze stopped her midsentence. “Close your eyes.”
Steph chuckled. “They closed the second you started caressing my back.”
“Good. Then imagine you are up on stage. Not at an open mic. At a real club, with a great sound system and nice brick walls. The room is packed, and you can practically feel people’s anticipation as you walk up to the mic. Then you launch into your first joke, and everyone bursts out laughing. How does that feel?”
Steph imagined the scenario. She could almost feel the mic in her hand, the heat of the spotlight shining down on her, and the first wave of laught
er rippling over her. “Right,” she whispered without opening her eyes. “It feels right. Like I’m exactly where I want to be.”
Rae resumed the soft touches to her back. “See? You were born to do stand-up. You just need a chance to prove it. Don’t doubt yourself.”
“Hmm.” Rae’s reassurance soothed the anxiety that had plagued her since her last birthday. So far, she had worried about their relationship holding her back and making a breakthrough even more unlikely, but now she began to wonder whether being with Rae might actually even be good for her career. She slid her thigh across one of Rae’s and cuddled closer. Rae’s question and her own answer ricocheted through her mind. It feels right. Like I’m exactly where I want to be. It was the same feeling that swept through her right now, while she lay in Rae’s arms. Oh God. Penny was right. I think…I’m in love with her.
No, that couldn’t be…could it? It was too much, too fast. They had only just started dating. They hadn’t even had sex, for Christ’s sake, nor had they gone on an actual date. And yet that feeling of elation and belonging was unmistakable.
“Hey, I can feel your heart racing.” Rae sounded alarmed. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, just thinking.” Panicking was more like it.
“About?”
“Uh…” She couldn’t tell her. Rae would think she was out of her mind. Hell, Steph herself thought she was out of her mind. She latched on to the first thing she could think of. “Just wondering what happened in 1997. You know… The infamous blushing incident.”
“Oh. That. Nothing important. Silly teen stuff.”
“I’d like to hear it.” Maybe the story would distract her from the startling realization that she might be in love for the very first time in her life.
Rae shifted beneath her. “Okay, I’ll tell you. But no laughing.”
“I’ll try my very best. So, what happened?”
“When I was fourteen, I was on the swim team, and so was Lise.”
“Your Lise?”
“Mm-hmm. Well, she wasn’t my Lise back then. She barely knew I existed.”