by Cassia Leo
[18/19] R.I.P. Dad. You were the best dad I could have hoped for. Give Mom a hug for me. And to my best friend: Always love us, I will. I’ll be there at 3, as promised.
When she’s finished reading the eighteenth tweet, she hands me the phone. Tweet nineteen is a link to a YouTube video of Ben performing a cover of “Us” by James Bay, and I can’t help but smile through my tears when I see Allie accompanying him on the piano as he plays guitar.
I close the video and go back to the Twitter thread to see the responses. I’m surprised to see that the first reply below Ben’s final tweet in the thread — probably promoted to the top of the list due to the number of likes and retweets it’s received — is from Katie Lindberg. There’s a picture attached to the tweet.
When I tap the photo to open it up and zoom in, I realize it’s a picture of a sheet of paper. The logo at the top says it’s from Choice DNA Laboratory. My eyes slide down the page and zero in on the words “Wesley Gammett” and the numbers “1 in 113 billion” are highlighted in fluorescent yellow. If I’m correct, this paper is proof that Wesley Gammett is the father of the boy people once thought might be Ben’s son. Ben and Katie were drugged and assaulted by Wes and Jordan.
The only text in the body of the tweet is the hashtag #metoo.
I look up from the screen at the smiling faces of my two best friends, who have been acting really weird today. “I know you obviously knew about this,” I say to Allie before turning to Michelle, “but did you know?”
Michelle shrugs. “I might have been consulted yesterday about how to get you to San Francisco today.”
I shake my head as I stare at tweet number eighteen for a few minutes, my heart aching as I think of how Ben has been hurting all these years. Carrying a secret that has literally turned his and my world upside down. Trying to protect me and failing over and over again.
I’ll be there at 3, as promised.
So will I.
I glance at the time at the top of Allie’s phone and my heart drops when I see it’s 2:41 p.m. “Oh, my God. I’m not going to make it to City Hall.”
Michelle smiles as she takes the phone out of my hand and gives it back to Allie. “I’ve got a chili-powered Beetle outside that says you will. Let’s go!”
I can’t help but laugh with giddiness as I stand up and dump the contents of my trash bag onto the bed. “Hold on. I need something,” I say, digging through the clothes and shoes until I find it.
I untangle my lucky black cashmere scarf from the hanger it’s caught on. It doesn’t match the threadbare Minnie Mouse T-shirt I’m wearing, or my ragged, hole-y cutoff jean shorts. But it certainly elevates the no-makeup-bedhead look I’m sporting from the neck up. If getting married in cutoff shorts and no makeup, to a guy who’s constantly surrounded by paparazzi, doesn’t scream “I love myself,” I don’t know what does.
Frank would be proud.
I loop the scarf around my neck and hold my head high. “Now, we can go.”
30
Photograph
Now
The drive across San Francisco in late-afternoon traffic is horrific. Michelle, Allie, and I make it to the three p.m. marriage license appointment at the county clerk’s office with about thirty seconds to spare. Walking into the office, just the sight of the curved counter I recognize from the news coverage about gay marriage becoming legal in San Francisco so many years ago makes me emotional, especially since no one is standing at the counter.
“You came?”
The sound of Ben’s voice behind us and to my left sends a jolt of pain through my heart. I spin around and cover my mouth when I see Ben and Mason sitting in a pair of chairs against the wall.
“She’s here!” Ben announces excitedly to the woman behind the counter. “She can sign it now.” He rises from the chair and comes straight for me. “You came. I didn’t know if you’d come.”
I shake my head. “I saw the tweets. I’m just…” I swallow hard as I try to find the right words to express how sorry I am for what happened to him, and for all the years he felt he had to suffer in silence. “I wish I’d known, so I could be there for you.”
“I never meant for any of this to hurt you. I’m so fucking sorry.”
I continue shaking my head. “Don’t. Don’t apologize. This wasn’t your fault.”
“I have another appointment coming in a few minutes. Are you ready to sign?” the woman behind the counter asks.
Ben smiles and nods toward Mason, who’s standing behind him now. “Mason’s here as a witness. I… I asked him to be my best man. Is that okay?”
I nod as I wipe tears from my face. “I wish your dad could be here.”
He presses his mouth into a hard line and takes a moment to collect himself before he responds. “He is. At least, he will be.”
I scrunch my eyebrows together in confusion.
Ben smiles. “You’ll see. Are you ready?”
I nod and he rubs my back as I stand at the counter and show my ID before I execute the marriage license, which has already been signed and witnessed by Ben and Mason. When I’m done, the clerk reminds us that we have ninety days from today to get married by an officiant approved by the State of California.
“I thought we would be getting married here…in City Hall,” I reply, somewhat confused.
Ben shakes his head. “No, we were supposed to make a separate appointment for a civil ceremony.”
My shoulders slump. “I’m sorry,” I say, since I was the one who made the marriage license appointment online. “I should have known to make an appointment for the ceremony. Oh, God. I feel so dumb.”
Ben smiles, looking completely unfazed by this setback. “No worries. I have someone waiting and ready to marry us, not too far from here.”
I shake my head. “Why would I ever doubt that?” I say, turning to the clerk behind the counter. “And I’m supposed to know him well enough to marry him.”
He laughs. “Don’t worry, baby. It’s my job to keep you on your toes.”
I wrap my arms around his waist and bury my face in his neck as I’m hit with a sudden wave of overwhelming emotion. Ben rubs my back and kisses my head as he holds me fiercely. Finally, we let go and nod at each other.
Mason drives through downtown San Francisco in his truck with amazing deftness. As we draw nearer and nearer to the marina, I begin to wonder where he’s taking us, especially considering how fervently Mason has been avoiding San Francisco and any location where he might run into Hunter. I could have sworn Hunter was spending most of his summer on the yacht of one of his new major league friends.
When Mason pulls off Marina Drive onto Yacht Road, my jaw drops.
“Where are we going?” I ask, hoping either Mason or Ben will answer, but Mason remains quiet.
“St. Francis Yacht Club,” Ben replies with a soft smile. “We’re getting married on a boat.”
I turn toward Ben, pressing my mouth against his shoulder to hide my huge grin. “This is so crazy.”
Once we’ve found an open spot in the Estrian Way parking lot, we head into the St. Francis Yacht Club and check in at the security desk. Mason appears unusually tense, and I feel the need to help him loosen up.
“Hey, where’s Gracie?” I ask, as Michelle and Allie follow a map of the marina to lead us to the right boat slip.
Mason smiles as he stops walking, then nods toward something ahead of us. “She’s right there.”
I turn back to see Michelle and Allie have stopped next to a yacht named Cosmic Kool-Aid. Standing on the deck are my mom, my dad — who is holding Gracie in his arms —, Ponti, Tyrell, Holder, an older paunchy gentleman with gray hair and a skipper’s cap, a redheaded guy I think might be a player for the San Francisco Giants, and Hunter. After a brief awkward silence, Hunter takes Gracie from my dad and steps off the yacht to make his way toward us.
I almost laugh as I wonder to myself whether Hunter is holding Gracie to protect himself from Mason. But when Gracie refuses to let her uncle g
o — probably so happy to have him back in her life after a month apart — I know I have nothing to worry about.
Hunter nods at Mason and flashes me a sheepish smile. “Everything’s all set.”
I land a soft punch on his arm. “You did this for me? I thought you were mad at me.”
He shrugs. “I thought you guys agreed that Mason was better than me.”
“What?” I reply, my voice jumping two octaves.
He glances at Mason. “Because his average was better than mine, but I got drafted and he didn’t. I just…felt like you all thought I was some kind of fraud. Like I just got drafted because of my friends.”
My mouth drops open. “That never even crossed my mind. I don’t know or care what your batting average is. I know you deserve that spot.”
Hunter laughs as Gracie pinches his nose. “I’m sorry,” he says, directing his apology to Mason. “It doesn’t make sense that I got drafted and you didn’t. You should be going to training camp. Not me.”
Mason smiles and shakes his head. “You missed training today. Are you an idiot?”
Hunter shrugs. “I told coach my sister’s getting married and they can fuck off—” He stops himself when he remembers he’s not supposed to curse in front of Gracie. “Anyway, it’s all good. Coach understood.”
Everyone heads onto the boat to get ready to head out, but Ben asks me to hang back for a minute to talk. When he faces me and takes both my hands in his, I feel like we’re rehearsing for when we get married on the boat. Then, it dawns on me that I don’t really have any vows written. I made the marriage license appointment Thursday night, then I worked on Friday and Saturday. I had planned to write my vows yesterday, but after what happened at Immersive, I had no reason to do that anymore.
I guess I’ll have to say my vows off the cuff, which is probably for the best. Ben is the one who’s good with words. I’m better with a camera.
Ben leans forward and kisses my forehead before he begins. “I wish I had trusted you with the truth sooner,” he begins. “For so long, I thought that maybe, in some sick way, Jordan did care about me and he was just trying to look out for me. I thought he was showing me what I needed to do — to sacrifice — to get what I wanted.”
“You were so young,” I reply vehemently.
“Just… Just hear me out. I… I need to get this out.” He smiles when I nod for him to continue. “After that night at the mansion, over the next few years, you and I were happy. I was doing well with the new album, getting some movie roles. And there were some sick comments he made during that time, comments about you, but I just figured that was the way he was. He was kind of crude. As long as he didn’t try anything funny, I would just ignore it. Then… When I learned about Katie’s OD a few years ago, I knew I had to dump him. That’s when he showed me the video of you.
“He threatened to post the video everywhere if I didn’t break up with you. Then, he changed that up. He said I couldn’t just break up with you. I also had to do the fake engagement thing with Becca. I told him I needed time to do it right. Then, I kept putting it off. For months, I tried to find someone who would come forward and say what happened at the WMA mansion, so I could take that info to the cops, or just blackmail Jordan right back. But no one wanted to talk about it. They were all afraid of being blacklisted.
“Finally, the day of your show, Jordan told me if I didn’t break up with you that day, he would have no problems getting the sex tape circulated. And everyone would think I was the one who took the video. And because you were seventeen, I might even go to jail.
“I didn’t give a fuck if I went to jail. I didn’t want the video to get out because I knew you’d be devastated being…exposed like that. I had to decide what would be worse for you: losing me or being violated by Jordan. I… I thought I was making the right choice.”
I squeeze his hands. “You did. You made the right choice. You did your best. I know that now.”
He nods. “I just needed you to hear that. And I need you to know that I’ll never keep something like that from you again. I’m still going to protect you, but we’re in this together now, kitten. You ready?”
I can’t help but grin like an idiot, and he laughs as he takes my hand and leads me up onto the deck. “So, I thought the idea that sea captains can marry people was a myth?” I say to the paunchy man wearing the skipper’s hat.
He lets out a jolly laugh. “Oh, it is. But that doesn’t mean a sea captain can’t marry a couple if he’s also an ordained minister, which I am. Rest assured, this is all above the board, young lady. I’m Captain John O’Neill, by the way.”
I shake his hand. “Charlotte Winters.”
“Soon-to-be Charlotte Hayes,” Ben says, shaking the captain’s hand. “I’m Ben.”
Once the ship has sailed out of the harbor, and my heart is pounding like a bass drum in one of Ben’s songs, Captain John calls the ceremony to order.
“Welcome, family, friends, and loved ones,” he begins. “We are gathered here today, surrounded by the beauty of the Pacific Ocean to celebrate the wedding of Benjamin and Charlotte. You have come here to share in this commitment they make to one another, and to offer your love and support to their union.
“Benjamin and Charlotte extend their gratitude for your presence here today. And they ask for your blessing, encouragement, and lifelong support, for their decision to be married. They also remember other loved ones who cannot be here to share this moment with them today.”
On cue, my dad steps forward with a silver urn hugged in the crook of his arm, and I realize why Ben said Frank would be here with us. Ben smiles at me as he looks into my eyes and reaches up to brush a tear from my cheek.
The captain continues. “Benjamin, please take Charlotte’s hands. Benjamin, before we proceed with the vows, do you freely and without reservation take Charlotte in marriage?”
Ben pauses for a moment as he seems to collect himself. “I do.”
“Charlotte, do you freely and without reservation take Benjamin in marriage?”
At first, I nod, before the resulting giggles from our friends and family make me realize I also have to say the words. “I do.”
The captain nods and a great grin spreads across his jolly face. “Benjamin, you may proceed with your vows.”
Ben clears his throat. “I wish I could say I’ve had my vows written for years. But the truth is that I’ve tried writing vows a thousand times and they never really came out right. So, I’m just going to wing it.” He waits a moment for the laughter to die down before he continues. “Charlotte Renee Winters, love of my life and blood of my soul, I’ve loved you since I was thirteen, but I didn’t know it until I was seventeen and you walked into that tree with that same scarf you’re wearing right now.
“When you wrapped that scarf around my hand that day, I knew you would be the only one who could bandage my broken heart. You have a light in you that you can’t see yet, but I will make it my purpose in life to make you see. I want to do for you what you’ve done for me. It would be my honor to give you hope and unconditional love and uncontrollable laughter every day for the rest of your life.”
“And burritos?” I ask.
He laughs. “And burritos. I’ll build you a damn Alberto’s in our backyard.”
I smile as the tears flow freely down my face. “Benjamin Joseph Hayes, I also don’t have any vows prepared, and I’m sure mine won’t be half as good as yours, but I’ll give it a shot.” I sniff loudly and take a deep breath. “Ben, you know I’ve loved you since I met you that day at Campbell Cove. I’ve made no secret of that. And I know you pulled me aside earlier to vow that there would be no more secrets between us. But I just want to iterate, here in front of the people we love, that I promise I will never let a secret come between us. Because for three years, I held onto the secret that I still loved you despite how hurt I was. True, it was probably the world’s worst kept secret, but I mostly was just lying to myself.”
I pause for the mild
laughter to subside. “Ben, I know we’re going to have our ups and downs. I know… I know we’re going to fail at things and hurt each other occasionally. But you once asked me to promise that I would never doubt how much you loved me, and I broke that promise. I will never doubt you again.”
Captain John nods. “I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.”
Before I know what’s hit me, Ben takes me in his arms and dips me as if we’re ballroom dancing. He plants a loud kiss on my mouth, then he rights me and pulls me into his arms. He kisses my forehead as he squeezes me so hard I fear he may actually crush my bones.
“I fucking love you, Mrs. Hayes,” he murmurs in my ear.
When he finally releases me, my body begins to tremble as my father steps forward with the silver urn.
Ben thanks him as he takes the vessel in his hands and I walk with him to the railing. “We released my mom’s ashes into the Pacific,” he notes, though it seems like he’s talking to himself because I’m sure he knows I already know this. “He wanted to go with her that day. I could see it in his eyes.” He carefully removes the lid and hands it to me. “I wish you peace, love, and fun…”
“…in the sun,” I say, finishing his sentence.
He leans over the railing to make sure the ashes go into the water instead of blowing back into the boat, then he hands the urn back to my dad. He turns to me and smiles when I reach up to brush a tear from his cheek. “Looks like it’s just you and me now.”
I smile. “Sounds perfect. You and me are two of my favorite things.”
As we sail around the harbor and head back toward the marina, watching everyone else enjoy the case of champagne Hunter and his friend brought on board while I use Ben’s phone to take some wedding selfies, I think back on the past ten years with a new perspective. I will never again take a photograph of someone without explicit permission. And I will never underestimate the power I hold in my hands.