by Anne Malcom
All I wanted was him to kiss me. All I prayed for was for him not to.
“I may not be a boy any longer, but you’ll always be my girl,” he murmured. “Always.”
The words hung between us, like something tangible, something physical. The power they had certainly felt physical, like someone had punched me in the stomach.
“Never,” I whispered in a voice so broken I barely recognized it. Killian flinched and I used this reaction to place both my hands on his hard chest and push. Hard.
“Never again will I be yours,” I shouted once I was a safe distance away. “You took away every single chance of that the moment you ripped my heart from my chest and trampled on it four years ago,” I screeched, breathing rapidly. “Now there’s nothing. None of me left for you to own because you took it all away. There’s just an empty body. A skeleton. That’s all we are now, a skeleton of a relationship that’s dead. That you killed.”
Killian’s body was taut as he regarded me, his eyes softening as my voice broke at the end. “Freckles, it haunts me every day that I inflicted so much pain on you,” he whispered. “I’d fight the devil himself to keep any part of you from harm’s way. But the fact I took that from you, maybe means I can bring it back. Bring you back.”
I stared at him. “Bring what back, Killian? There’s nothing left to bring back. We can’t go back to how we were four years ago. You made sure of that.”
Killian’s eyes blazed. “I’ll take that. I’ll take every inch of blame and live with it,” he clipped, “but don’t pretend you didn’t have a part in it too.”
My eyes went wide. “I had a part in you dumping me the day after I gave you every last piece of me?”
He flinched but didn’t waver. “I told you how much you meant to me for two years, spent every day showing you that. Seven hundred and sixty-eight days I showed you that you were my fuckin’ everything. You let three words convince you of something different. You believed five minutes of lies over two years of truths.”
I blinked rapidly. “What did you want me to do, Killian? Fall to my knees and beg you to love me, right after you told me you didn’t?” I didn’t think about the truth in his words. I couldn’t right now. It was just so much easier to lay all the blame at Killian’s feet. To think I was responsible for the pain that lingered between us was not something I could do right now.
Maybe I was the coward.
He ran his hands through his hair. “I want you to think back and believe in us, Lexie. Fuckin’ remember.”
I did. I remembered every second between us. Every memory I hadn’t allowed myself to think of rushed through me.
“Nothing. Nothing would make me forget about you, Freckles.”
“What I’m holding in my hands. Hearing those words, it’s worth the five years of shit. Hell, it’d be worth fifty.”
“I’d promise you anything in the world, but not that. As long as my heart’s beating, I’ll be doing anything and everything humanly possible to keep you from harm.”
“Promise me you’ll remember that. No matter what. How much you mean to me. How you mean everything.”
I wavered and my anger dampened.
Killian stepped forward. “Yeah, I see you’re gettin’ it, babe. You knew then, some part of you knew that I would love you to the day I die. But that same part knew there was no space in your life for me. Not then.”
“That’s a lie,” I hissed. “There was always a space in my life for you. My fucking life was built around you.”
Blue eyes regarded me, swimming the depths of my soul. “Look at what you are, Lexie. Jesus, look at how fuckin’ magnificent you are,” he said, his voice husky. “You had the world at your feet. I wasn’t stopping you from conquering it,” he murmured, eyes looking past me.
I lifted my hand, clutching his chin and turning it, making his icy eyes have contact with mine. “The world at my feet meant nothing without you by my side,” I whispered, tears clogging my throat.
His eyes flickered and I didn’t wait for more words. I couldn’t. Instead, I ducked down and quickly climbed out of the ring, not stopping until I reached the changing rooms. I locked myself in, breathing rapidly. My shaking hands rifled through my bag with urgent desperation.
I jumped as the door I’d just locked rattled.
“Fuck, Lexie. Let me in.”
I ignored this and hoped the lock was strong. My hands found purchase on my phone and I found the name I needed with blurry eyes.
“I need you to come and get me,” I whispered as soon as the person at the other end of the phone answered.
I only prayed he wouldn’t take as long as Killian took to break down that door.
He pounded his fist against the door with frustration. “Lexie, let me in,” he growled for the hundredth time.
There was nothing from the other side of the door. No words or screams that had come out of her like a volcano in the ring. The words that had worked him worse than any opponent had in any ring around the country. They impacted more effectively than any left hook by any angry fighter.
They also gave him hope. Anger and hurt drenched her tiny frame, but something else did too. He didn’t miss the way her small hand had cupped his jaw so tenderly and the last words she’d said to him before she’d run.
“The world at my feet meant nothing without you by my side.”
Those words were the knockout. They had frozen him in place long enough for Lexie to lock herself in the changing rooms of the gym. And because he’d banished everyone from the premises, he couldn’t even find a fucking key.
He rested his head against the steel door. “Baby, please,” he called through the metal.
He would have shot the fucking thing open if he thought there was any danger of her running outside. This gym was in a fucking dodgy neighborhood. It had shocked the shit out of him when they’d pulled up. It pissed him the fuck off, too. The fact that Lexie frequented neighborhoods like this when a murderous stalker was after her?
It might have also had a lot to do with the fact he’d watched her tight body encased in spandex running around the ring with Keltan. Her face was flushed with concentration and Killian couldn’t take his eyes off her.
His dick had been as hard as a rock the moment she’d stepped in the ring.
He didn’t think there was anything sexier than Lexie on stage, singing from her soul straight to his cock. Seeing her in the ring and actually knowing what the fuck she was doing was a close rival.
But it also pissed him off. The fact she knew what she was doing meant she had someone to train her. Maybe had a reason to need to know this shit. If he hadn’t fucked up four years ago, his girl wouldn’t be going to a dive gym in the middle of this neighborhood to learn how to protect herself. He’d be doing that. His job. She sure as shit wouldn’t be training with the man she’d visited in hospital every single day. He’d gleaned from Keltan that Duke and Lexie were friends and training partners.
It drove Killian crazy thinking of what else they were. Duke almost fuckin’ died for her. Killian’s fists had clenched as all those thoughts churned in his brain while he’d watched Lexie and Keltan.
Hence him losing his battle with restraint and banishing everyone from the gym and getting into the ring that had become his sanctuary for the past four years. The place he could unleash his anger and succumb to his demons.
He hadn’t expected Lexie’s demons to win over his own. KO them.
“What the fuck did you do to her?” an angry voice hissed from behind him.
Killian turned, cursing himself for not noting someone that close to him. To Lexie. If it had been anyone but an angry-faced Noah, he’d be fucked. He didn’t even have his piece. He’d stowed it away when he got in the ring with Lexie. Not that he needed it to protect her. But this fucker after her was a coward. Killian didn’t doubt that he’d slit his throat from behind.
He needed to get his shit together.
“What are you doing here?”
Noah glowered at him. “Lexie called me beside herself. You better pray to whatever devil you worship that she’s okay or I’ll make it my mission to end you,” he hissed.
Killian jolted. Not from fear, but from what was in Noah’s voice. Devotion. Different than Sam’s and Wyatt’s. He’d never been threatened by the boys in high school. That was because he’d been so fuckin’ sure of what he and Lexie had and because he knew they respected him enough not to go near Lexie. Plus, they knew he’d kill them if their feelings were anything but fraternal.
Now he’d lost that respect. Years had passed and who knew what feelings had changed. Evolved. It was impossible to spend time with Lexie and not fall in love with her. And Noah fucking lived with her.
Killian clenched his fists.
Noah ignored this. “She in there?” He nodded his head to the door.
He didn’t wait for Killian to answer. “Lex, I’m here,” he called through the door softly.
Almost immediately, the door was wrenched open. Noah yanked Lexie to his shoulder, giving Killian one last glare before directing them out of the gym.
Lexie didn’t look back.
Yeah. She’d knocked him the fuck out. The first person to do that without even landing a punch.
“You want to talk about it, babe?” Noah asked softly once we’d gotten into his SUV and screeched out of the lot.
I chose to ignore the Jeep that followed us.
My mind was whirling. Killian’s words and everything that happened in the ring making everything louder than usual. I needed quiet. Otherwise I might go insane.
Or lose all my dignity and go running back to Killian, broken heart and all.
“No, I don’t think so,” I said. “I’d like to get drunk.” I glanced over at Noah. His jaw was hard and his grip on the wheel was tight with anger.
His eyes flared in surprise. “Drunk?” he repeated.
I nodded. “First, I feel like going to that bar and playing something,” I added. I needed to play. Then I needed alcohol. “There’s some party or club opening that Wyatt and Sam are going to tonight, right?”
Noah snorted. “There’s always something for those boys to go to.”
It would be the first time they’d ventured out since everything went down. They’d been hovering over me like hens, and I had to convince them to leave me in Noah and Killian’s capable hands.
Now it looked like I’d be going with them.
“We can keep driving you know,” Noah said. “Not stop till we get to Mexico. You can get away from all this. Escape him.” His eyes flickered to the Jeep trailing behind us.
“I can never escape him, Noe. I’ve always known that.” I sighed.
“This shit is fucking unfair, Lexie,” Noah spat. “You shouldn’t have to face him. Have him in your life on top of dealing with this stalker shit. It’s too much for one person.” The interior of the car radiated with Noah’s anger. His attractive face contorted in fury.
“What’s too much is all this attention on me,” I argued. “I’m sick of it. Let’s escape my worries for the length of this car ride and talk about you.” I narrowed my eyes at Noah.
He stiffened slightly. “What about me?”
“Well, how about you distract me from my steaming pile of crap, otherwise known as a love life, and talk about yours,” I urged.
Noah’s jaw hardened and his eyes went blank. “Nothing to talk about.” I could almost feel him close up on me. We were so close in some ways and in others the yawning distance between me and my best friend was incomprehensible. I couldn’t even begin to understand the crisis of identity he was struggling with. Shit that was planted by his asshole father, then having to deal with what came with being a rock star. Having women throwing themselves at him.
I reached over to squeeze his hand. “You know I love you, right, Noe?”
His eyes softened. “Love you too, Lex.”
“No. I love you, Noe,” I corrected. “You. The real you. The one that you beat yourself up for being. The beautiful one. There’s nothing wrong with that, Noah, you know that right? That you can be who you are without an ounce of judgment from me, from the boys. We love you for exactly who you are.”
I let my words sink in. I didn’t expect Noah to answer. I knew him. He needed time to digest, like I did. He didn’t speak much at the best of times, especially about himself.
For the millionth time, I cursed his dad for creating the demons Noah battled.
“You don’t have to say anything now,” I whispered. “Just know, whenever you’re ready, we’re here.”
I squeezed his hand and let the silence descend once more, both of us contemplating our demons.
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but are you sure you want to go in there?” Sam asked, nodding to the nondescript club in front of us.
I gave him a weak smile. I was getting better at them after the events of this afternoon. This was mostly because Noah had poured me a red wine as soon as we got home and I’d had three more since then.
They were totally working their magic.
Wyatt and Sam had been surprised when I’d announced we were going out to our old bar then to a club opening. I went to small bars around grittier neighborhoods with them whenever we didn’t have paps trailing us. But I’d mostly just hung out and been the designated driver. I’d never willingly gone to a club opening unless Mark explicitly made me, which was hardly ever.
But their eyes had hardened in understanding when Killian had stormed into the house just after I’d had my second sip.
He didn’t notice anyone else as he strode toward me, but Noah stepped in front of me. God, I loved that boy.
“Lexie, we need to talk,” Killian gritted out, his jaw hard.
I regarded him evenly. “No we don’t. I’ve said everything I needed to say.” I took another sip of my wine.
“Jesus, Lexie,” Killian said, running his hands through his hair in frustration.
Sam stepped forward. “You heard her, bro. She doesn’t have anything to say to you. How about you go and do a perimeter check or whatever you’re here to do.”
Killian’s jaw was hard and he regarded Sam before he turned on his boot and left.
I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding.
“Hope you don’t get stabbed by a bloodthirsty stalker,” Sam called after him.
We all scowled at him when he turned.
“Too soon?” he asked.
Wyatt answered by punching him in the arm.
After that, we’d all gotten ready to go out. Me without my glam squad. I was able to dress myself, but I’d become used to Mario and Shayla working their magic. It was totally ridiculous, but I wanted to look good, or as good as I could look on what little sleep I’d gotten. Killian was as beautiful as he had been when we were together, if not more so, in a dangerous and eerie type of way.
The petty, immature girly part of me wanted to show him that I was beautiful too.
Hence me slathering on red lipstick and teasing my curls atop my head while rogue tendrils escaped. I did my best with winged liner that was nothing like Mario’s, but I thought it might just be passable.
I went with clothes the color of my mood. Black. I rarely wore a color that so easily identified with the color of my insides. I strove to create an illusion of brightness on the outside, even to try and trick myself into thinking I was happy. Not tonight. I slipped on skintight high-waisted black jeans and a teeny tiny top that tied at the back and draped at the front. It wasn’t one I thought I’d ever wear, but there was a first time for everything. I topped it off with my highest and spikiest heels. I rationalized they could be used as a weapon if need be.
I hadn’t forgotten about the pesky notion of my stalker in all my emotional turmoil.
I meet Sam on the landing and looked him up and down. He did the same, whistling low. “Look at you. All sexy and shit. S
top. That’s my job. You must change now,” he commanded.
I grinned at him. “Sexy is your job?” I repeated.
He nodded. “With great looks comes great responsibility. It’s a heavy burden. Good thing I’ve got strong shoulders.”
I focused my gaze on his chest. “And you think that shirt is the best to communicate your sexy?”
Sam looked down. “Of course.”
I laughed. This time it was genuine. He was wearing a black, tight tee that showcased all of his muscles. The color went with his usual look and he had enough silver on him to sink a ship. But the slogan on his tee read, “I taught Christian Grey all that shit.”
Classic Sam.
He linked arms with me. “Let’s go have a great night and pretend biker exes turned bodyguards and stalkers don’t exist,” he proposed.
“Best offer I’ve had all night.”
Now that we were outside the club in our old neighborhood, Sam wasn’t as confident.
“I know you’ve got the baddest of all badasses protecting you, AKA, me,” Sam said from the seat beside me, “and that scrawny biker, but are we sure this is safe?”
I grinned. Of course Sam would call Killian “scrawny.” He went out of his way to insult him. He introduced him to everyone who asked as “Dick, not short for Richard.”
“It’ll be fine. Keltan has a guy riding with Killian.” I squeezed his hand.
I hadn’t been happy with this turn of events, but Killian had flat out threatened to restrain me bodily if I didn’t permit him and Keltan’s guy to trail us. That was after he swore at my outfit then drank me in with a gaze that made my stomach swirl.
Sam grinded his teeth. “Well, okay then. Time to drink, fuck, and rock. Not necessarily in that order.”
He got out of the SUV and I leaned through the seats. “Thanks, Clyde. You sure you don’t want to come in for a drink?” I asked.
He chuckled. “No, Miss Williams, I’m good out here.”
I gave him a look. “Okay, well, try not to get up to too much mischief.”
Then I took Noah’s extended hand and climbed out of the SUV. I had given up on arguing with Clyde about him waiting outside places where he drove us to. I’d felt completely terrible about it at the start, but now I understood it was just what he did.