by Anne Malcom
He had to take small steps, though. Lexie had given him her forgiveness, but he knew she didn’t forget. Knew she was still bracing, waiting for the next hit. Waiting for him to leave. He’d have to prove he wouldn’t before he got all of her.
She padded over to him, and as soon as she was in reaching distance, he yanked her to his body, burying his face in her hair. He breathed deep, relaxing as the scent of vanilla and coconut washed over him, as Lexie washed over him.
She leaned back, her eyes lazy.
“Hey,” she whispered.
He couldn’t help himself, he leaned forward to capture her mouth. “Hey,” he said once he’d finished.
Killian gently pulled them out of the room, shutting the door quietly behind him. He laced her hands in his, reaching them up to kiss her fingertips. “You ready to go, freckles?”
She nodded, her curls bouncing.
He stopped, right there in the middle of the hallway. She kept walking and was tugged back when his hand worked as an anchor. She moved back and tilted her head, confused. “What?”
Killian drank her in. “I just love you so fuckin’ much, Lexie.”
Her whole body tightened at his words then her face went soft, relaxed. She leaned up on her tiptoes to press her mouth to his. He didn’t hesitate in imprinting her body on him.
She leaned back slightly. “Take me home, Kill,” she said, voice husky.
He didn’t miss the fact she didn’t say anything back.
That silence was a punch in the gut, but he’d wait.
Forever if need be.
Because he wasn’t going anywhere.
“You’re not coming back until the end of the week?” Mark’s voice was tight at the other end of the phone.
“No, Mark. We’re having some time off. You know, relaxing. Heard of it?”
Sam grinned from the kitchen table.
“The concept sounds foreign considering I manage a band that’s sole purpose is to get me to have a heart attack,” he bit out.
I grinned. “You know you love us, Mark.”
“You’ve got a music video to film,” Mark replied, ignoring my last statement.
I looked at the boys, lounging at the kitchen table, and was propelled back six years to when they’d done that for the first time. When we were young and eager and had no fucking clue what we were doing.
“Yeah, we’ve got it sorted,” I reassured him.
“What does that mean?”
“It means we’ve got it sorted. Got to go, see you Sunday. Kisses.”
“Lexie, if you hang up—”
I took the phone from my ear and Wyatt gave me a look. “On a scale of one to Britney circa 2007, how close is he to having a meltdown?”
“Let’s just send Jenna a text and tell her to hide the clippers,” I responded.
Sam snorted and smiled.
“Okay, are we ready to film?” I asked, rubbing my hands together.
Sam grinned. “Fuck yeah, this is our best idea to date.”
I nodded. “I know. I’m the brains of this team.”
Sam stood up. “Sure, and I’m the brawn and the beauty.” He looked to Noah and Wyatt. “You two are figureheads to be honest. It’s only a matter of time before Lexie and I go out on our own.”
Wyatt shook his head. Noah rolled his eyes.
“Let’s get to it. Daylight’s wasting.”
We were going to film our music video in Amber. We were starting literally where the band started, in the converted garage we’d turned into a studio/jam space in high school.
“Wow,” Wyatt declared as we stood at the open door. “It’s like going back in time.”
I agreed. Mom hadn’t changed a thing. Zane kept his garage and everything else in his place across the street, so this wasn’t needed for anything but what we’d repurposed it as. It was exactly the same. The same semi-ratty vintage sofa we’d shoved into the corner. The same space in the middle of the room for all our equipment. Mismatched rugs covered the concrete floor. Band posters littered the walls. The only changes were Mom had framed our Rolling Stone cover and first album cover and mounted them. Everything else was as we’d left it. As if no time had passed.
So much had. So much had happened. We were no longer a high school band jamming in Mom’s garage. We were world famous and sold out stadiums. Sold millions of albums. Attracted murderous stalkers, one who thankfully hadn’t followed us. That we knew of. Killian and Zane were still iffy about leaving me alone to film today while on “club business,” but I’d finally been able to convince Killian I’d be okay.
“Seriously. You’ve been away from the club for ages. I’m sure there’s stuff you need to do, asses you need to kick,” I’d told him after we’d dragged ourselves out of bed this morning. It was hard. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Killian inside me, without the complications of the outside world between us.
Killian’s expression had changed and something I couldn’t place flickered over his face. “I don’t like leavin’ you, not when you could be in danger.” His jaw was hard.
I stroked his stubbled face, catching myself at actually being able to touch him again. “I’m not in danger. No one even knows we’re here. Not even the media. I’ve got three large boys looking out for me. It will also be broad daylight. Nothing to worry about.”
Killian’s eyes blazed. “I’ll always worry about you. Till my last breath, Lexie.”
My heart stuttered. He kept saying things like that. Forever things. Things that almost felt like too much too soon. But it wasn’t like we had only just started dating. He was the boy who stole my heart at sixteen and had held it ever since. But it had been years. It was so familiar and so strange at the same time. I knew he was saying these things to remind me he wasn’t going anywhere, that this was a forever thing, but I was scared. Terrified of believing him. Because forever could sometimes only be a moment. Or forever could be a lifetime. I wanted a lifetime. But as soon as I relaxed into forever with Killian, I was terrified it’d be snatched away.
To hide my feelings, I did what I always did, retreated to the one thing between Killian and me that wasn’t complicated, that hadn’t changed, the way our bodies responded to each other. Like they were made for each other. I kissed him, long and hard and deep enough to chase away my doubts. For a time.
“I’ll be fine,” I whispered against his mouth.
He’d squeezed me tighter and rested his head against mine. Then he’d dragged me from the house and set me on the back of his bike, dropping me at home before roaring away to the club. That’s where the boys had been waiting. Noah had been staying at our place. He hadn’t been home to Amber for years. Actually, Wyatt was the only one who’d been back a handful of times to visit his parents. The rest of us avoided it like the plague.
We’d been keeping a low profile. It wasn’t a secret we were back in town, small towns never had secrets, but the media had yet to be alerted of our presence. They would be though. After today, we were most likely going to announce our presence.
“Lex, you okay?” A large hand squeezed my shoulder.
I blinked the old garage back into focus. I nodded, trying to shake the memories from my head. “Good. Let’s do this.”
*****
“What do you think?” I asked Mom and Zane after we’d showed them the uncut version of what we’d shot today. “We’ve still got to film some more stuff. We’re doing a surprise show at Clay’s tomorrow. Kind of a nod to the first place we really played. And then there’s a lot of cutting to do.”
“I love it,” Mom said, her voice thick with tears. “It’s perfect.”
Zane didn’t say anything. He just squeezed the back of my neck and kissed my head. He liked it.
“Told you,” Sam said from the sofa where he was lounging. “My artist vision never fails us.”
Wyatt snorted from an armchair. “Your vision? Like no one else had anything to do with this?”
“Always trying to bring me down. You’d live a much less complicated life if you just accepted I’m the better, more attractive, funnier and more talented man.”
Wyatt rolled his eyes. “What’s the weather like in delusional world this time of year?”
Sam grinned at him. “Sunny and beautiful.”
Despite the boys’ bickering, everyone had a hand in today’s work, and Sam was right, it was awesome. We’d filmed us playing in the garage, not frills, just jamming. Then we’d done some stuff of us around town, mucking around on the pier, Wyatt pushing Sam in fully clothed. Sam yelling about how his jacket would be ruined forever. Then the boys had filmed me playing and singing to Rocko and Axel while Noah cradled Axel in his arms and Rocko watched transfixed. It was real. It was us.
Wyatt glanced at his phone. “Babe, we’ve got to roll. We’re meeting Killian at the club in ten.”
I gave Axel one last squeeze before handing him back to Zane. He cradled the tiny baby in his huge arms with a tenderness that made my eyes twinkle. Mom was watching from an armchair, her eyes lazy and happy.
“Is anyone actually going to tell me what’s with all the secrecy and not telling me why we’re meeting him there?”
Wyatt pretended to look at something on his phone, Noah coughed and looked away, and Sam became fascinated with his boots.
I looked to Mom. She gave me wide, innocent eyes. “Don’t look at me. I’m just a simple mother and housewife. My thoughts are on diapers and apple pie.”
Zane glanced up. “I’m gonna put Axel down,” he muttered before turning on his heel and leaving the room.
Even Zane was escaping. He was afraid of nothing. Shit was real.
“You know how much I hate surprises of any form, right?” I asked the room at large.
Sam cringed. “Yeah, your reaction to your surprise party last year was enough to remind us.
I glared at him. “Do you know how hard it is to dress for surprise events?” I didn’t address the surprise party incident. I had kind of… freaked out. But my hatred of surprises wasn’t entirely to blame for that. It was the whole not wanting to celebrate my birthday in any way, shape, or form.
“You look fine,” Wyatt said, standing.
Sam’s eyes bugged out at him in shock.
“Fine?” I repeated.
“Bro, you never tell a fuckin’ chick she looks ‘fine’ when asked. You may as well just hand her a gun to shoot you with now,” Sam hissed.
I went to walk toward my room. “I’m changing.”
“See?” Sam yelled at my back.
Noah grasped my hand. “You look great, Lexie,” he murmured.
I glanced down at my ripped jeans and satin tank with lace trim. It dipped low at the front and showed a sliver of belly. I had embroidered heeled sandals on that almost had me reaching Noah’s chin.
“Promise?”
He kissed my cheek. “Promise.”
“I would feel much better about my attire if someone told me the dress code of this mysterious event.”
Silence.
I rolled my eyes. “Fine. No one tell me. I’ll find out soon enough.” I gave Mom a wave and let the boys lead me out the door.
There had been a noticeable difference in everyone’s demeanor toward Killian. They weren’t exactly on the fast track to being best friends, but they didn’t actively point murderous glances his way. And they even spoke to him. Surprisingly, he and Sam were on the best of terms, which was weird because Sam was the one who harbored the most amount of anger and the one who had actually punched him in the face. It was like the punch had done something that rectified everything that hung between them and turned them back into what they were in high school. Men were so strange.
*****
We pulled up to the clubhouse and Killian was smoking outside, leaning against his bike, waiting for us. I frowned at him as I got out of the car and stomped over. I didn’t hesitate in ripping the smoke out of his mouth, dropping it do the ground, and crushing it with my sandal.
“I’ve got two requests,” I told him. “One, no more smoking. I don’t relish having to change your oxygen tank thanks to emphysema in our twilight years. That’s best case. Worst case is me having to kill you for dying of lung cancer.”
Something changed on Killian’s face, but I was midrant so I didn’t notice.
“Two.” I held up two fingers. “You grow your hair back. All of it. You may look hot and broody and badass with the buzz cut, but I want my long hair back, regardless of how chiseled the current do makes your cheekbones.”
Killian kept looking at me after I spoke. The intensity of it was making me uncomfortable.
He grabbed my hips and yanked me to him. “Twilight years?” he murmured, his voice husky.
“Yes, otherwise known as when I’ll most likely be a wrinkled, washed-up rock star chewing your ear off about how I used to be famous,” I joked.
Killian didn’t smile. “You talkin’ ‘bout growin’ old together, freckles?”
It hit me then. The hope behind his eyes. The utter devotion in them. “I’m talking about forever, Killian,” I whispered back.
His lips crashed into mine the second I spoke, melting the word around us so there was only him and me. His hand tore through my hair and the other yanked me to him, slipping under the fabric of my silk tank. I didn’t care if we were in a parking lot. I needed him. Now.
“Break it up, people,” Lucky’s voice filtered in, and Killian let me go. Well, he released his mouth from mine; he didn’t actually let me go. He just moved his head enough so he could glare at Lucky, who was standing in front of us, tattooed arms crossed.
“You can’t get excited before the fight. Save the nookie for when you win,” Lucky ordered.
I leaned back. “Fight?” I repeated, my voice cold.
“Oh shit,” Lucky muttered. “I’ve just got something to do over there, away from angry females.” He gestured away from us then quickly turned in that direction.
I didn’t focus on his retreat, only on Killian. “What does he mean by fight, Killian?”
Killian sighed but his face was blank. Carefully blank. “The fight I’ve got tonight. Why you’re here. Needed you to see it before I told you too much about it. It’s hard to explain.”
“Try,” I ordered through gritted teeth.
Killian stepped back, lacing his fingers in mine. “Can we not do this in the parking lot?” He tried to tug me toward the clubhouse. I didn’t budge.
“Tell me,” I said.
Killian eyed me, probably considering putting me over his shoulder. It’d be his funeral if he did.
“Some shit about me has changed in the last four years, Lexie,” he began.
I narrowed my eyes. “Yes, the hair, the smoking—not for the better on those fronts. But we’re humans, change is inevitable. It’s what we do. I didn’t expect you to be the same boy after four years. I’m certainly not the same girl.”
Killian’s hands tightened and one crept low to caress my denim-clad behind. “I’m aware of that. You’re a woman now. My woman.” His gaze explored my face. “All the ways you’ve changed, it’s made you better, not that I could have thought that possible four years ago.” He paused.
“And the ways you’ve changed?” I pressed.
“You remember sayin’ that I was chasin’ some demon?”
I nodded.
“That demon took me to some dark places, babe. Without you, I had a lot of anger. Mostly at myself and the world in general. Had to find a place to channel that anger.”
Icy realization filtered over my body. “Fighting?”
He nodded, noting the shock in my tone.
“And you didn’t think to tell me until now?” I snapped. “Until you’re practically forcing it on me?” I tried to struggle out of his grasp, but he held me tight.
“Fuck,” he muttered. “I couldn’t think of another way to do it. There hasn�
��t exactly been a right time. You’ve only just started talkin’ to me. We’ve only just become us again.”
“And you thought this was the appropriate way to let me know you’re some kind of cage fighter or something? Is it even legal?”
Killian’s hard jaw and silence answered my question.
I pursed my lips. “Right.” I pulled out of his grasp and began to storm toward the clubhouse.
Killian caught my arm. “Where you goin’, freckles?”
I whirled around. “I’m going to get the boys to take me home so I don’t have to watch my boyfriend break the law. Watch him get hurt.”
Killian’s jaw went hard. “I’m not the one that gets hurt. I’m the one that does the hurting.”
I glowered at him. “Right, because that’s better. Why have you even got me here, Killian? You know me better than this. You know this isn’t me.”
He pulled me to him. “You’re here because you need to see me. What I am now. Who I am now. I’m not gonna hide anything from you, Lexie. Not this time. You said yourself you’re not innocent anymore. I used to think my job was to protect you from the world. From the ugliness in it.” His hand went to my neck. “Now I know you’re gonna see it, no matter how hard I try. Partly ‘cause I’m a part of that world I’m tryin’ to protect you from. Only thing I can do is have you at my side when you see it.”
I blinked at him, trying to find a way to respond. “You’re going to continue doing this? The fighting?”
Killian shook his head. “No, baby. This is the last one. This is me leavin’ that shit, that ugliness, the darkness behind. It’s somethin’ I’ve got to do.”
I looked up at him. “So if I asked you not to do it?”
His eyes went hard. “I’d give you anythin’ in the world, Lexie. To do that, I’ve got to do this.”
I stared at him a long time. He was the same. Those ice blue eyes hadn’t changed, but what was behind them had. I used to think there was so much at the back of them. Now I realized I hadn’t scratched the surface. He was right. I needed to see the person he was now. What his life was like after me.