“Buffer?”
“Yeah, that’s the best way to describe it. What Ken came up with was his own spin on what Jin did to … what he did … to you. When he Veiled you. What he did to your memory.”
Suren’s eyes darted back to Ken’s face. After all those years, that one thing was still a sore spot for her. Ken knew that. A very sore spot.
Hunter went on. “He set up the Veil process to create markers in his own memory, so afterwards he could chemically target everything between those markers to keep his brain from accessing the memory. He tweaked it so he wouldn’t forget the memory altogether. He still needed to have some kind of access to it, in case he could use it as a way to track down Jin’s killer. That was before he knew, well, you know … what it was. Before we knew what the memory was.”
Suren nodded and rubbed Ken’s hand. She couldn’t begin to imagine how much he must’ve suffered.
“So, he put this buffer in place that would kind of numb him to the experience. That’s what I meant before, what I just realized when I said ‘oh god.’ Now that we know whose memory it was and what kind of memory it is, I mean … had he not gone in with that shield in place.”
Suren shuddered at that possibility. Had Ken not been prepared, he wouldn’t have survived. There was no way he could have, and she knew it for sure just from witnessing how badly it tore him up. The pain and trauma vFlatliners experienced after their Veil was unrelenting and permanent. After a couple of days of torment, they were psychologically and physically exhausted. It was a torture no one could imagine.
To witness such torture happening to a vFlatliner, to watch it take hold of them, was almost too much. Unbearable pain, self-inflicted harm, nonstop blood-curdling screams. As if their entire existence were eternally reduced to one single sensation: pain. It was the pain of death without actually dying, and it never ended. Ever. It continued until the vFlatliner couldn’t take it anymore and fell over—dead. Death from trauma. It was the worst kind of nightmare anyone could imagine. If one could describe the experience of hell, you’d expect it to sound a lot like how a vFlatliner felt when they got their Witness back and the memory of dying hit them.
Had that happened to Ken, and because of Jin’s memory … because he was trying to avenge his friend and trying to protect her … Suren couldn’t bring herself to think about it. She closed her eyes and shook her head violently. Hunter reached across Ken and grabbed her hand to comfort her.
“That first time, it was hell. I’d never seen anything like it. I’d never seen him like that. The screaming. Fuck … all the screaming. It was hell. I gave him the pills that he intended to suppress the memory with, but they didn’t work quickly enough. I gave him a shot of the same chemical to try to speed it up. I had to be careful not to give him too much, but it didn’t really help either anyway. All I could do was sit and wait and watch. Sit with him. Try and comfort him somehow. I didn’t know if he’d ever get through it. I couldn’t be sure if the buffer we tried to put up was going to work. I never imagined it was going to be that bad. If I knew … if I suspected, I wouldn’t have let him. There’s no way, I hope you know that.”
“Of course. Of course I do. I know.” She put her hand on top of his hand, which was still resting on top of hers. “Of course I know, Hunter.”
Hunter cried and studied Ken’s face while he continued. His chin quivered and his voice lowered. “He was in so much pain. And there was nothing I could do but sit there and hold him. I’d never really been in love before, not like with Ken, so I didn’t know what it was like to see someone you love go through so much pain. I wanted to endure it for him. I wanted it to be me instead. I couldn’t handle seeing him like that. I wanted to take all his pain. ”
“I know you did. I know you love him.”
Hunter kept going and let the words pour out of him. “I didn’t know what he saw, what he experienced, and the only thing he said, over and over again, was that Jin wasn’t dead. Finally, the chemical started to kick in, and he began to calm down. Eventually, he fell asleep. He slept for four days straight. I was so scared. I almost wished he kept screaming, because at least then I would’ve known he was still in there. I didn’t know if I lost him. I didn’t know if he was gone. Really gone.”
He took his hand out from under Suren’s and unfolded the rag, flipped it, and doubled it over again so that the blood and sweat were folded up on the inside. He patted Ken’s forehead with it and continued talking.
“He regained consciousness and he wasn’t screaming. So that was a good sign. But he wasn’t ok, you know? He wasn’t himself. Now that I know, I understand why. But he definitely wasn’t himself.”
“That’s why he was in the hospital, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah, they classified it as a nervous breakdown, but only because we didn’t tell them what happened. But yeah, for two weeks. He got better, but it changed him. It really shook him, made him raw. And, like I said, now I understand why. I only wish I knew six years ago. Not that it would’ve helped. It wouldn’t have changed anything, but at least then I would’ve understood. It’s like he’s aged twenty-six years in the six years since he found the memory. I mean, look at his hair for fuck’s sake. He’s gone through so much. So much pain and stress.”
“Here let me,” she offered and reached for the rag.
Hunter let it go and put his hands on Ken’s arm, which rested at his side.
She attempted to reassure Hunter while she dabbed Ken’s face. “He probably couldn’t put it into words. Or maybe he was afraid to, like it would conjure up the memory. I don’t know. But knowing Ken, we both know he did it to protect you … to protect us.”
“Yeah, I know,” Hunter sighed. “That doesn’t make it any easier. Knowing he had to suffer alone.”
“No, it doesn’t.”
“But, at the very least, we knew the buffer worked. It was traumatic and painful for him but it eventually wore off. He never had to face it again until the first time someone bought the memory. Each time that happens, he has to chemically remove the buffer, perform the Veil, and then chemically replace the buffer. Each time he has to live the memory over again. Each time it happened, it was the same.” He nodded toward Ken. “Just like this.”
“You poor thing,” Suren whispered at Ken while she lovingly patted his face with the rag.
“He said he learned enough from the very existence of the memory itself to approach Jin’s murder from a different angle. He said—and it was all he said—that the memory didn’t contain anything he could use but the fact that it existed meant he, it meant we all, were looking in the wrong places. So, he started doing some things. He didn’t tell me everything he was doing, but he did some things.”
“What things?”
“First off, and this was the very first thing we did after we left the hospital, over my protests, he insisted we go to your old house.”
“My house? My hou—oh, wait, I remember that. You two said Ken really wanted to see me. That he missed me.”
“Yeah, yeah. I mean, he did, but he had other purpose, too. He said he had to, absolutely had to, disable your vCollar. He was adamant. He had to, and he had to right away.”
“He disabled my Veil?”
“Yes, that very same day. I don’t know how he did it or what he did to it, but whatever memory you bought last night, you wouldn’t have been able to get it. It wouldn’t have left your Veil.”
“Thank God,” she said as she leaned down and kissed Ken’s forehead.
“Uh, yeah. Totally,” he chuckled. “Especially now … knowing. Fuck. It would’ve been all … ‘bye-bye Suren’, ya know?”
“Yeah. Don’t remind me.”
“Sorry … so anyway, he disabled your Veil and while you and I were visiting, he copied all the elevator video files from your computer.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know, he would never tell me. That’s the last thing he told me about any of it. That’s the last I ever saw of any of it. Except, b
oth times when someone bought the memory, I had to go through it with him as he relived that nightmare. I had to help him through it. He had to use the chemical to remove the buffer and give himself back the memory. Once the customer was done shadowing him, I had to administer the chemical again so that the buffer would go back up. That’s all I know. That’s the only thing he let me help with.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, but I did kind of figure out that, if what he said were true, if Jin didn’t die that day, there must’ve been some other footage in those video feeds that was important but that you guys missed. You guys probably went from the day of his murder backwards. Because you assumed he was killed, and once you saw the murderer leave the building, you two probably focused on everything that happened before that. You might never have thought to look at footage from the few days afterwards. That footage would only matter if you knew Jin survived somehow.”
She gasped. “You’re right! No, I know I didn’t. Oh! I didn’t even look.”
“Yeah,” he nodded. “Ken never looked before then, either.”
“So, what did he find? What was in the video?”
“I don’t know. Like I said, he never told me anything else. The only other thing he did was go up to the hospital a lot. And I mean a lot. I assumed he was investigating. Talking to people. But, like I said, he never talked to me about it. And we both know if he found anything out, we’d be the first to know.”
“Oh … damn. Well I guess … well, you’re right. It wasn’t anything useful, or … well, something would’ve happened by now.”
“Exactly. And the only thing he ever said was that he knew this day was coming.”
“What do you mean?”
“He knew one day you’d find the memory. He knew you’d get it. And chances were, in the process, you’d find out he was the Vault. He knew this day was coming. But that’s literally all I know. That’s it right there. Everything else we’re going to have to find out when he wakes up. And I can tell you from experience, there’s no way of knowing how long that’s going to be. So, we wait.”
She let out a long sigh and got up from Ken’s side. She walked across the room and gazed out a window, once again trying to fight back tears. She and Ken were not where she expected them to wind up when they started their journey. Finding Jin’s killer wasn’t supposed to ruin Ken. It wasn’t supposed to derail all their lives. Maybe it was time to give up. Maybe it was time to let it go. She looked down at the wedding ring she still wore on her left hand, now flattened on one side. Maybe it was time to take it off. Look at how much pain all of it already caused.
She was struck by something Hunter said.
“Both?”
“Huh?” Hunter looked more frustrated than confused, but her back was to him while she stared out the window, so she didn’t see his frustration.
She turned, and as she walked to where the two men were, she attempted to explain herself.
“You said both times someone bought the memory. So, only two other people besides me bought the memory? Two?”
“Yeah, that’s right, this is the fourth time we’ve had to go through this. First when he got the memory, the two times the store sold it, and then last night, when you found it. When you bought it.”
“Hunter.” She sat back down and leaned forward. Her voice dropped an octave again. “The store sold the memory three times. Three. To three different people. I have the list in my purse.”
“Three?”
“Three.”
Hunter was as anxious as Suren. If only Ken would wake up, damnit. And not just wake up but wake up and get back on his feet. They couldn’t start drilling him the minute he opened his eyes. Of course they both wanted him to get better, but that wasn’t what was eating away at them. They knew he was going to get better; it was only a matter of time. What they desperately wanted were answers. Answers only he possessed.
When Ken did wake up, he didn’t remember much of what happened the night Suren arrived. All he knew was his face hurt. A lot. He was used to his scalp burning for days after he regained consciousness following one of those episodes, but the face pain thing, well … that was new. However, neither of them would budge and say what happened. All Ken could figure was, since Suren had been there, and because he knew she was the one who bought the memory from the store that night, when she arrived at their house, she was probably less than happy. There was probably a fight and his face was the likely loser.
They took turns nursing him back to health. He knew everything was going to be different because it had always been only Hunter nursing him. Suren’s presence meant she knew. Ken didn’t know how much she knew but by everyone’s behavior and appearance, how they were treating him, he was guessing they knew a lot. Hunter, who understandably grew weary of the episodes over the years, regained much of the empathetic and caring mannerisms he displayed during the first and second episodes.
Something was up. Ken guessed he probably blabbed that night. He figured maybe it was finally time to break down and let it all out. After, that was, they waited on him a little more. Maybe a little more ice cream. Or maybe after Suren cooked his favorite dish—a couple of times. Oh and maaaaaaybe if he kept it up long enough Hunter would finally let-him-get-that-puppy.
When the time finally came, Ken made one demand: he wanted to have the talk in his office. Suren and Hunter would move one of the couches into his office and place it in front of his desk. He would sit at his desk and they would sit on the couch. The only things on Ken’s desk would be his laptop and a box of tissue. Oh, and they probably needed some bottles of water or something. No glass though. Nothing that could be thrown or used as a weapon. And Suren had to stay on her side of the desk at all times.
“I’m not going to kill you, Ken,” she assured him.
“Well my face still hurts and judging from the way you keep rubbing them, so do your hands. I’d rather keep my distance during our little chat. Unless someone wants to tell me what all happened that night.”
“Oh, Hunterrrrrr, want to help me with the couch?” Suren called out, intentionally sounding guilty, rather comically so. She wasn’t quite ready to divulge to Ken how she pummeled his face.
“The memory … is Jin’s. It belongs to Jin,” Ken started with his hands folded on the desk in front of him as if he were giving a Presidential Address.
He locked eyes with Suren, then with Hunter. Gauging from their reactions, or lack thereof, they knew that already. Ok, moving forward then.
“It’s not a clear, linear memory; it’s more like a loop. A very hazy loop. It’s a blurry white background with a round black object in the middle, about ten feet away. I’m guessing it’s the barrel of a gun. Because everything starts to move downward and then there’s a blinding flash that comes from the middle of the black object, followed by a painful … well, you saw.”
“Yes,” Suren nodded. “We saw. What do you mean everything starts to move downward?”
“I think Jin tried to move his head away from the gun. The original position in the field of vision would’ve put the bullet—” he paused, “and excuse me for being so blunt about this.”
Suren nodded.
“It would’ve put the bullet straight through his head. But something happened. His head shifted, so I believe it went in at an angle based on the field of vision inside the memory.”
“Ok.”
“After the pain, there is nothing more visually. The loop starts over again and that time the pain is there throughout the whole thing. It loops again and again and again … pain, pain and more pain.”
Hunter spoke up. He wanted to move away from that part of the talk soon. “So the memory is Jin’s last thought … or his last experience, of getting … shot. It’s Jin’s own memory of getting shot.”
“Yes. There are two sounds, I believe they are thoughts, but I can’t make them out. So either the killer says something or Jin has two thoughts. They are deep, muffled noises when I hear them. Very deep and ver
y muffled. If Barry White and Charlie Brown’s teacher had a baby, it would sound like that baby’s voice. Like I said, everything is a blur.”
“His brain was obviously very damaged so we couldn’t expect more than that anyway, right?” Suren asked the two men. They had much more experience with that kind of stuff.
“Yes, if the bullet went in at the angle I suspect, and from what I’ve seen—which I’ll get to in a minute—it likely damaged mainly his frontal lobe. So he could’ve continued living … physically. For a while. But Jin, the person, would be gone. He was gone with the bullet.”
“From what you’ve seen?” Suren asked. It was the only question she wanted to ask and she wanted him to stop talking so she could ask it. She didn’t even try to listen to the rest of what he said. She already knew what he was going to say about all of that.
She knew her Jin was gone. As soon as the trigger was pulled, her Jin was gone. In fact, in Suren’s imagination, Jin kissed her goodbye that morning while she slept, and as he left their home and descended the stairs, he simply vanished into the air, going wherever people go when they die. Her Jin was gone the very moment he left the house that morning. Still, she wanted to know what Ken meant; she needed to know what he saw.
“Yes, from what I’ve seen,” Ken replied flatly, trying to avoid rousing too much strong emotion in all of them. He had years to go over and over what they were about to see for the first time. He wasn’t sure how they’d respond to any of it, especially Suren, but he knew his own demeanor could go a long way in directing their reactions.
Ken shuffled his finger around on his laptop’s track pad. When he got to where he wanted, he positioned the computer so the three of them could view it. He hit play on a video and the three watched a man, dressed as a pizza delivery person, enter the elevator while pulling a cart behind him. He wore a hat, but Suren and Hunter recognized him right away. It was the same man who showed up in the videos the day Jin was killed. He was Jin’s murderer.
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