by M. T. Pope
When I was a little girl my mother bought me some dolls and a dollhouse. It was so big and it had all of the furniture in it. It was my favorite toy to play with. Barbie would always be waiting for GI Joe at the door to come home and have his dinner fixed and ready for him to eat. My mother would sit and play with me sometimes and for some odd reason she would always have two GI Joes from time to time in the house with Barbie. I didn’t know what was going on then, but now it struck a nerve in me and I wanted to know the truth. I didn’t know if I could handle it. What I was thinking the truth was made my heart beat faster and faster. It couldn’t be the truth ... It just couldn’t.
“I’ll be right back.” I got up and went upstairs for a minute. I went to a box of old pictures I had from my childhood in my closet. I pulled it out and looked at a couple of pictures and all of them were the same. My hands started to tremble and shake and before long a couple of tears streamed out of my eyes and down on my face.
“No ... No ... No.” I shook my head from side to side in fear of the truth. It was staring me right in the face. I threw the box and the rest of the pictures across the room and fell onto my bed face down. I sobbed and sobbed uncontrollably. I couldn’t handle this and I couldn’t live like this. It was driving me insane. Was my whole life a lie? What was really going on? Did I really know anything? I began to have a fit in the bed. I kicked and punched the pillows and bit into them and screamed into them. I thought I would lose my mind. I didn’t know when I did, but I fell asleep and was awakened by husband calling me from the steps.
“Babe, I need you to watch the kids while I step out to the store real quick.”
“Okay, I’ll be right down,” I answered. “Just give me a minute.”
“Okay.” I heard him go back down the stairs and then I sluggishly got up and went into the bathroom. I splashed some water on my face for the second time today, combed my hair a little, and then went downstairs to tend to my kids.
Chapter 20
Kyle
Lost and Found
I hopped into my car and pulled off. I couldn’t help but think that my wife was acting really strange lately. She just wasn’t herself. I mean I watched her while we were in the living room together and she was totally zoned out. She tried to look cool, but I knew that she was going through something. I knew my wife; she was happy all of the time. There was a pattern change and I picked up on it. At first I thought she was pregnant, but that wasn’t it. I just didn’t know what was. She looked so withdrawn and out of it. And when I went upstairs to check on her she was wrapped up in the comforter on our bed like it was thirty below zero. Her hair was a mess and all. My wife kept it together all of the time and this behavior she was having for the last couple of hours was out of character.
I drove for about ten minutes until I got to our local Wal-Mart and pulled to the parking lot. I ran into the Wal-Mart and went straight for the electronics department.
“Excuse me, where are the portable DVD players?” I asked the attendant of that department.
“Three aisles over and in the middle.” She pointed. I walked down the aisle and spotted the section. I grabbed the first one I saw and picked it up to purchase it.
I went to the counter and waited my turn to be rung up. The line wasn’t long so I was in and out in a few minutes. When I got to my car I ripped the box open and plugged the DVD player up with car charger that came with it. I felt under the seat to retrieve the disk that I placed there last night. I felt around and felt around but I couldn’t feel the disk. I got out of the car and got on my knees and stuck my hand all the way under the seat. It wasn’t there. I opened the back door, thinking that maybe it had slid back to the back of the car. That was no such luck.
“What is going on?” I wondered as I sat in the driver seat with my body halfway in the car and the car door open. “I know I put this disk in here.” I was drunk at the time so maybe I just thought I did.
“I hope I didn’t lose that shit.” I was still in the parking lot and a few people looked at me like I had lost my mind. “I couldn’t have lost it.” I scratched my head in wonder.
Then it popped into my head that my wife had left the house for a little while yesterday. I was drunk that day, but I did get up to take a piss and get something to snack on. The whole house was empty so I knew she had taken the kids out to the park or something like that.
“She couldn’t have found that disk,” I tried to convince myself. The disk wasn’t there and I didn’t have it. Maybe she looked at the disk. Maybe she knows everything and is waiting for the moment to kill me. These types of situation always end up with somebody getting hurt or killed. Is that the reason she was acting so weird? She could have seen the disk and is waiting for a time to strike.
“Shit.” I banged on the steering wheel. “I should have just come clean the first time her father approached me. I should have just put his ass on blast. I wouldn’t be going through any of this right now.”
I didn’t know what was on the disk. If she watched it and something implicated me I know she would have approached me by now. The tension I was feeling eased up and I instantly felt better about the situation. Then I thought about what if the quiet guy got me for some sex and gave me a blank disk. He could have played me. One thing I knew was that I damn sure couldn’t go home and ask her if she found a disk in the car. I wasn’t even going to bring it up.
“Why does your past always have to come back and smack you around in life?” I said as I fully got into the car and started it up. I pulled off of the parking lot and made my way home.
Before I got home, I stopped by 7-Eleven and got her some roses. I thought it was a nice gesture. She deserved them and it had been a minute since I showed her that I really care. Part of me was also doing it because she may have known something and been waiting to take me out. I was hoping the flowers would make her smile and feel better about whatever she was going through, because it just may have been something else and didn’t have anything to do with me. My drunken ass just could have lost the disk or something. I hoped.
When I got home I got in the house and the aroma of good cooking was in the air. I was all for a good meal.
“Honey, I’m home,” I said as I closed the front door.
Chapter 21
Christine
If I Had Listened
I was in my bed tossing and turning all night long. I felt so uneasy on the inside. My husband was on the other side of the bed, asleep like a log. I sat up, grabbed my nightgown off of the back of the bed, and slipped into my slippers. I got up and watched my husband shift a little and then stop moving. I looked at him and then left the bedroom. I walked down the stairs and into the kitchen. I pulled a tea bag out of the container that I had on the counter and put it into a mug that was always waiting on me in the middle of my kitchen table. I grabbed a pot and boiled some water. I needed some chamomile tea to get me to sleep. The demons of my past had me up and I knew it. Every so often I would sit up this late and think about my life and how it all turned out. Now in my mid-forties, I felt like there was so much that I could have done in my life if I had only done what my parents told me to do. I wouldn’t be where I was right now. I hated myself so many times of the day and no one really knew what was going on but me. People don’t know when you’re really going through some things, even your family. They think that you have it all together and you don’t. There were days that I really wanted to just explode and/or kill myself. But that would be the easy way out.
One day I was going have to come to terms with my past and let go of some lies. I wasn’t ready to do that just yet, though. I was not strong enough to handle what may have come if the lies came out of the closet. All I ever wanted was to love and be comfortable in my life. I wanted the house, the family, and the man. I had it all, but a whole lot more than I bargained for.
Now that I sat there and thought about it with my tea, I asked myself, was it really worth it? Was being stable financially really worth all of my
lies and secrets? I rationalized and justified it all of my life, but now it was too late. I had to keep up the shame for the rest of my life. I had to. I wasn’t forced into it by anyone but I accepted it for my own comfort.
I found out some secrets in my youth that my mother swore me to keep secret and here I was acting the same. What could I do? It was too late. If I had only listened to myself and not mimicked my parents then I probably would have had a different life now. I always wondered what would have happened if I had listened.
The way Henry talked to me sometimes always triggered this mood that I was in right now. Sometimes he could be just ... ugh! Impossible: that was the word I would use to describe him sometimes. But I couldn’t really complain about it. I was impossible at times too.
“What am I going to do?” I spoke out into the air expecting the answer to come back to me. I thought that it was going to just float into the room, pop into my head, and then everything was going to be all right, but I didn’t believe in fairytales and today I wasn’t going to start. There was no white horse, no man in armor, and no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I knew that I was on borrowed time and every day I just woke up again and asked to borrow some more time to live out my existence of lies and pain.
I finally finished up my cup of tea after sitting at the table for almost a half hour. I went to bed thinking about my parents and all I was taught. I thought I was different. I thought I had it down. I was going to be in control of my life and I was going to be in control of the people in my life. And I did what most kids did when their parents told them what to do and not to do: I didn’t listen. I had a plan and I knew that I was going to get what I wanted my way and not theirs, because theirs seemed so outdated and boring. Now I wished I had listened. I didn’t need an “I told you so” from anyone right now, because it was self-evident that had I listened I wouldn’t be in the situation I was in now.
Chapter 22
Tasha
This Is It
“This is it,” I said to myself as I was in the kitchen preparing possibly a farewell meal. I knew I was saying good-bye to someone today, but who was the question.
I had been up almost all night going over the scenario in my head. I walked into my children’s room at about midnight last night trying to gather strength from their sleeping bodies. Children have that resilience that some of us adults really needed to pay attention to. I was hoping that I would be able to bounce back no matter what happened. Lord knew I sat in that room, in the rocking chair that was given to me as a baby shower gift, and sucked in the peacefulness those two breathed out. It was so serene and calm. They had no cares ... no worries. It seemed like I had the world on my shoulders; well, my world anyway.
Here I was now in this kitchen doing what I did best: cook. I had the recipe for the food I was cooking, but the full recipe to solve my family’s problems eluded me. It was missing the truth and that was the most important part. My husband did his usual part and entertained the children until my parents arrived.
I was cooking a roast, red potatoes, fresh-seasoned string beans, linguine with shrimp, and cornbread. And for dessert there was devil’s food cake with Dutch chocolate icing.
I had the stomach for none of this. I couldn’t even hold down a saltine cracker on my stomach, that’s how stressed I was at the moment.
“How are things going in here?” My husband walked into the kitchen with Farrow in his arms and Kaynon following them.
I had a knife in my hand when I turned around to answer him. He flinched like I was going to cut him. “It’s going great.” I had a deep smile on my face. I was smiling so hard my jaws trembled. “Everything will be ready by the time my parents get here. Did you need something?” I waved the knife in my hand a little as I talked. My eyes were fixed on his eyes and his eyes were fixed on the knife.
“Oh, no, nothing for me.” He was a little jittery as he spoke. “I just came in here to check on you and get something to drink for the boys.”
My son reached for me and instinctively I reached out for him. I placed the knife on the counter and took him into my arms. I cradled him and cooed at him a little and then handed him back to his father. Kaynon stayed by his daddy the whole time because he was a daddy’s boy.
“All right now, y’all go ahead back in the living room while I finish cooking.”
They did as they were told and marched on out. I continued to cook and finish my meal.
Two and a half hours later the food was just about finished when I heard the doorbell ring. I jumped a little because I was startled. Showtime!
I heard them come in and they all did the pleasantry/ greeting thing and then I heard my mother say she was headed to the kitchen to help me out.
My stomach was churning even harder now and I had to steady my hand because it started to shake some. Get it together, girl! I coached myself in my head.
“Hey, baby.” My mother greeted me with a kiss on the cheek. “You really have it smelling good in here. Is there a special occasion or something?”
“No, ma’am, just a good meal.” I shrugged my shoulders. “I thought it would be nice.”
“Oh, okay.” She patted me on the shoulder. “You need help with anything?”
“Well, Mom, could you set the table for me real quick? I’m running a little behind,” I said over my shoulder. I dared not look at her in the eye. She could always tell that something was wrong when she looked at me as a child and I knew that trait didn’t just disappear with age.
“All right, baby, Momma got your back.” As soon as she left the room with the dishes in her hand I let the tenseness in my body relax.
Pretty soon all of the dinner was on the table and everybody was seated. My mother and I both served our men and the boys and then fixed our own plates. My father said grace and then we all began to eat. The only sounds in the room were that of food being eaten and the boys making noise while they ate. All of the adults were completely quiet.
“Baby girl, this roast is so tender.” My father picked a piece off of his plate and stuck it in his mouth.
“Thanks, Daddy.” I smiled.
“Yes, it is,” my mother agreed, “I think she is trying to outdo her mother. The student surpassing the teacher is such an honor.”
“Thanks, Ma,” I said as I put a spoonful of potatoes in my mouth. I was praying that it stayed down.
“I can’t wait to get a piece of that chocolate cake in the kitchen.” My husband spoke as he cleaned his plate. No one at the table had a clue that I was about to drop a bomb in a very short time.
Everybody ate and had seconds. I went into the kitchen and cut a few slices of cake onto a serving platter and brought in some cake plates and put them onto the table. By this time, both of the boys looked full too and they looked like they would fall off to sleep at any moment. It was perfect timing for me because I needed the boys to be sound asleep when all the “festivities” started.
After another ten minutes everyone was sitting pretty and full and I decided to make my move. It was now or never.
“Daddy, Kyle, how about you go downstairs and get things ready for movie night? Could you also take the boys and put them in the basement nursery, too?” We had a small nursery for the boys in the basement for when I was doing laundry and we had company over. It was set up just like their room upstairs.
“Okay, babe.” My husband grabbed Farrow out of his seat and proceeded to go downstairs, and my father did the same with Kaynon.
“We’ll be down in a few after we finished cleaning up the table,” I said as they disappeared down the stairs.
“So what movie do you have planned for tonight? I hope it’s not one of them sappy love stories. I need something a little rough, like a Bruce Willis flick or something.”
“Believe me, Mom, it’s not a love story at all, and yes, it is rough, but Bruce Willis is not in this one.” My mom did have a small crush on Bruce Willis. I thought he was handsome too.
“Okay, I just hope it
don’t put me to sleep.” She laughed as I put the last of the dishes in the dishwasher.
“Oh, I think you will be wide awake for this one.” I smirked.
“Okay, honey,” she laughed.
“Mom, go ahead on downstairs because I have to go upstairs and get the movie.”
“Okay, baby.” She too disappeared down the stairs and I was left alone in the kitchen. I turned from the dishwasher and leaned on the kitchen table for support. My stomach started to turn and wrench in pain. I knew that it was the stress of what I was about to do.
I went upstairs and retrieved the disk and made my way back downstairs toward the basement door. I stood there and breathed a few times; my mind told my feet to move but they weren’t cooperating. Then it happened, I started walking down the stairs. It seemed like forever as I walked to the bottom. My parents were seated together on the love seat I had downstairs and my husband was seated on the sofa that was sitting on an angle facing the television. They all watched as I walked over to the Blu-ray player and put in the disk. I walked over and sat next to my husband just as the blue screen came on. After a few seconds, the show was playing on the screen. There was no sound but we all knew that they were enjoying themselves. We all watched my husband and my father have sex in his office.
I looked at my mother and she had a blank look on her face. And then I looked at my father, whose face was also blank. And last I looked at my husband, because I knew this shit had to be his doing. He probably started all of this shit.
Chapter 23
Kyle
Ah, Damn!
I looked at my wife as she looked at me for an explanation. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to tell me that she found my disk and I didn’t lose it. I kicked myself for not taking it in the house with me, but that was neither here nor there. I was caught red-handed.