Don't Ask, Don't Tell

by M. T. Pope

  “Yeah, I could if I wanted to but I happen to like cussing. It’s liberating.”

  “It is not. It’s a sin.”

  “You’ve got to be kidding me. Have you read the Bible? There is cussing all throughout the Bible.”

  “I’m not talking about ‘hell’ or ‘damn.’ I’m talking about the B word and the F word. You say those a lot.”

  “So? Why you clocking what I say? You think you’re better than me just because I cuss a little?”

  “No, but you think you know everything.” I brushed past Lauren, going to pay for my stuff. I tried not to let her know she’d gotten to me. I’d heard this from too many people to shrug it off as a random thought. I didn’t put on airs and I never tried to act like I was better than someone else, so I couldn’t understand why people continued to say this to me. If this person who I’d spent so much of my time with in close quarters didn’t get me then what did that say about me? I wanted to get out of the store and if I didn’t need some of the items in my basket, I would have left without them.

  “Hey, slow down. I didn’t mean to step on a nerve.”

  “Forget you,” I said as I slapped my items on the counter. Lauren started laughing and it only made me madder.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “You, you’re funny.”

  She stepped to the other register and paid for her items. I wanted to slap her in the back of the head like we’d been trained to do but she probably would’ve slapped me back. I didn’t understand Lauren half the time. One minute she could be as sweet as a sun-kissed watermelon, and the next a dried-up lemon: bitter and tart. I waited until we’d left the store and were heading back to the barracks before I broke down.

  “Why?”

  “Huh?”

  I didn’t know if she was just playing dumb or had legitimately forgotten what we were talking about.

  “Why am I so funny to you?”

  “Oh, well, if you’d have said fuck you instead of forget you, you would’ve felt better.”

  She walked ahead of me, which further pissed me off. Lauren was a loud-mouthed, big-headed heathen who probably didn’t even believe in God. I smiled when I thought of her clinking glasses with the devil; she’d change her tune then. But it’d be too late, which was sad though because other than a potty mouth, she seemed like a good person. Maybe I was a little better than her, but she could still work on it, real hard. We walked the rest of the way back in silence. It was the first time in days we weren’t running and I wanted to relish it. I didn’t get why we had to run everywhere we went, only to stand in another darn line. Patience was not one of my virtues so I made a mental note to add it to my prayer list. I knew prayer delivered all of us and this was something I could definitely benefit from. I thought maybe my impatience was being perceived as arrogance, which was also a sin. I didn’t want God to strike me down because He thought I was trying to be greater than I was, so I added that to the list as well.

  “Do you believe in God, Lauren?” She stopped walking, causing me to bump into her.

  “Of course I believe in God. What kind of dumb question is that to ask me?” She seemed angry, which surprised me.

  “I don’t know. I was just thinking. You don’t talk much about yourself so I was trying to figure you out.”

  “And you think asking me about my religious beliefs is going to help you do that?”

  “Well no, but it’s a start. We’ve been stuck with each other for weeks and the only thing I know about you, other than that you have a brother in the military, is your last name, and that’s because it’s printed on your shirt.”

  “If you want to know something about me, ask me. Don’t try to play no head games with me because I’m not into games.” She started walking again so I had no choice but to follow her. Even though she opened the door for me to ask her questions, I was hesitant to do so.

  “What made you join the military?” I thought it was a safe question to ask.

  “I had my reasons.”

  “What happened to ‘If you want to know something, ask’?”

  “Anything but that.” She walked faster and, as much as I didn’t want to do it, I increased my speed to keep up with her.

  “Sorry. It seemed like an innocent enough question to me.”

  “What about you, what’s your story?”

  “I come from a small town in Mississippi. I wanted more than what my town had to offer, so I came here.” I didn’t mention that I’d come to find a man; it would’ve been too much information.

  “What about family?”

  “It was just me and my dad.” Thinking about my father made me sad. I’d yet to talk to him so I couldn’t imagine how that conversation was going to go. The first letter I wrote was going to be to him. I owed him an explanation and I hoped I could explain it in a manner he would understand.

  “Oh I get it. Spoiled rich kid.”

  “Spoiled, hardly. Rich, not even close. We made do with what we had but we didn’t require a lot.” Thinking of home made me depressed. I was still trying to decide if joining the army was the right thing for me and this depression only made it harder to think clearly. When we got back to the barracks it was time for dinner, so we stowed our purchases for later. I had so much nervous energy, I couldn’t enjoy our free time.

  “So what do we do now?” I asked after dinner.

  “We could go over to the firing range and practice.”

  “Uh, no. My shoulder is still bruised from the other day.”

  “That’s because you’re not holding your weapon right.”

  “Oh, that’s right, I forgot. You’re the expert, at everything!” I couldn’t resist the dig. If anything, she was the one who thought she was better than everyone in our group. After our first rocky week, she was placed in charge of our unit. By far, she was the most athletic, effortlessly going through the drills, while the rest of us struggled. She even qualified on the range the first day.

  “Hey, what can I say?” She smiled, conveniently ignoring my dig.

  “Boastful pride is the work of the devil.” I didn’t mean to say what I was thinking, but I did and I couldn’t take it back. Her face appeared to lock in place, a grimace on her lips and her eyes narrowed to tiny slits.

  “I wasn’t boasting, merely agreeing with the facts. You can say what you want about me, but you have issues.” She plopped down on her bunk and turned over, letting me know our conversation was over. I wanted to ask her what issues she was referring to but I was not about to talk to her back.

  Chapter 5

  Lauren Burns

  The army was my family—got it. My battle buddy was my sister from another mother—got that. My sergeant was both Mommy and Daddy—okay, I got that too, but I drew the damn line when I was told my rifle was my lover. Fuck that shit. I wanted someone who was going to hold me back when I touched them. We were one month in and the ladies were bugging the fuck out in the barracks. Tempers were flaring and my tolerance for bullshit had been pushed to the limit.

  On a more positive note, our squad had bonded and we were working together as a cohesive unit. We excelled in our drills and we were afforded a small measure of freedom for the rest of the weekend. We were allowed to use the phones and I couldn’t wait to call my brother James and check in on him. As promised, he sent me a note, practically every day, but he never mentioned any news from home. I wanted to know if he’d spoken to my dad about me. I knew I should have let it go by now, but for some reason, I clung to the hope we could mend our relationship and get back to loving each other.

  “Come on, Foster, I want to get at the phone before all them other hoes.”

  “Jeez, must you be so crude? These women are our sisters, not hoes.” She continued fussing around with things in her locker and wasn’t moving fast enough for me.

  “Whatever, come on.” I liked Foster but she could get on my nerves, especially when she wore her holy drawers. When she put them on, I wanted to put my foot on her neck. Part of
my frustration had nothing to do with her but she made herself a target by taking her sweet-ass time getting ready. Because there were so many recruits, each barrack was allotted an hour of phone time to be shared. If we were the last ones in line, there was a good chance we wouldn’t be able to use the phone at all, and she did not want to be around me if that happened.

  “Dag, I’m coming.”

  “I don’t get it. Don’t you want to speak to your dad?” She looked worse than a deer caught in headlights. I saw genuine fear in her eyes and it made me wonder what the full story was. Obviously more than the little bit she shared with me about her life before the military. It also made me realize that everyone has a past, and little Ms. Goodie Two Shoes was obviously no exception.

  “I said I was coming.” She fell into step beside me but I could tell her heart wasn’t in it.

  “What’s up with you? I thought you’d be knocking folks down to get to the phone as much as you like to talk.”

  “Can you mind your own business please?”

  I was stunned. This was the first rebuke she’d given me and it caught me by surprise. “Well excuse the fuck out of me.” I wasn’t so much mad at her response as I was stunned. We had squabbled far more than this and she never fired back, so I knew whatever it was that got her blood to flowing was deep.

  I waited for my turn on the phone and dialed my brother’s cell number from memory. I was taking a chance calling him because I didn’t know what his schedule was, but if I didn’t get him, at least I’d get to hear his voice on his answering machine and leave a message.

  “Hello?”

  “James? I can’t believe you answered! It’s so good to hear your voice. How are you doing?” I felt the tears rolling down my face but I didn’t bother to wipe them away.

  “Hey, shorty. How’s my army treating you? Did you get my letters?” James sounded almost as excited as I felt.

  “Thanks to you I’m fine, but they sure did try to kick a girl’s ass. But I’m holding my own. I qualified on the range the first day and they made me captain of our squad.”

  “Word, that’s what’s up. I knew you could do it. Do you have any fuck-ups in your unit?”

  “Hell yeah, I’m saddled with one, but she’s good people.” There were a few seconds of uncomfortable silence because we were skirting around personal questions. I wanted to know about my father but was afraid to ask.

  “The food sucks, right?”

  “Oh God, yes. How come you didn’t warn me about that shit?”

  “If I did, your ass might not have signed up. I know how you like to eat.” He laughed and I had to join in because he was right. I loved to eat and this bullshit they were serving us wasn’t cutting it.

  “I can deal with the food but I swear I’m ready to pluck somebody’s eye out for a piece of chocolate. What’s up with that? Can’t a sista have some sugar?”

  “You’ll get over it; just tell yourself it’s all in your head.”

  “Yeah, right, that shit don’t work and you know it. They said we’re doing the gas chamber this week. I’m kinda of nervous about it.”

  “Oh yeah, it ain’t no walk in the park. You’ll do okay, though. I’m proud of you, sis.”

  I couldn’t take it no more. “Have you spoken to Dad?” My grip on the phone tightened and I had to force myself to lighten up.

  “Uh, yeah. He’s cool.”

  It wasn’t what he said, it’s what he didn’t say that stung me. “All right then, look, I got a line behind me for the phone so I got to go. Thanks for the letters, James. You should be getting some from me soon.”

  “Sis, don’t let this shit get you down. You need to keep your head on straight because you still got some heavy shit to go through before this is all over, especially the gas chamber.”

  “I’m good. It’s his loss, not mine.”

  “Have you told anyone yet?”

  I knew exactly what he was referring to and it pissed me off that he even mentioned it. But then again, I was already pissed so it probably didn’t matter what he said to me, I would have been mad anyway.

  “Didn’t I tell you this is my pussy and who I give it to ain’t nobody’s business?”

  “Damn, sis. Get a grip because you’re about to fuck up. Let it go. Trust me, he ain’t worth it.”

  I exhaled. James was right. I needed to get it together. I joined the army to prove to my father I was good enough to handle it, but I also joined because I was finally able to serve my country without having to lie about my sexual preference. It was important to me so I couldn’t let something like my father’s ignorance change my game.

  “I’m good, really I am. Thanks.” When I hung up the phone, my heart was heavy but I wasn’t going to allow it to ruin my life. It pissed me off that the country could accept me for what I was, but my own father gave me his ass to kiss because I refused to be who he wanted me to be. He lived his life, so why couldn’t I live mine?

  Chapter 6

  Anji Foster

  Rita took forever to answer her cell phone but managed to pick up before the call went to voice mail. I could feel the sweat rolling down my back and it had nothing to do with the heat outside.

  “Anji, bless your little heart. I’m so happy to hear from you.”

  I relaxed somewhat. “I can’t tell; I haven’t received one letter from you.”

  “Girl, I’ve been so busy filling in at summer Bible School, I haven’t had time to write. These children are driving me nuts.” She laughed in a nervous manner. I couldn’t help but feel a little envious because had I not left, I was supposed to be teaching the kids.

  “I thought you said you’d rather die before you spent another day in Bible School.”

  “You said that, missy. Besides, I’m not attending Bible School, I’m teaching it.”

  She was right, those were my sentiments, but I still didn’t appreciate her jumping into my shoes without regard to how I’d feel about it.

  “Did you give my dad my letter?” My heart began racing and I willed it to slow down so I could hear her response.

  “Uh yeah, I did ... Um, have you met any cute guys yet?”

  She was stalling. I didn’t want to talk about the guys, I wanted to know what was going on with my dad. I didn’t want to call him until I knew what kind of reception I would get from him.

  “He ah, he said—”

  “Why you tripping? Tell me what he said.” My heart was pounding so loudly I was positive everyone else in the line could hear it.

  “I ain’t tripping, I just don’t know how to tell you.”

  My face got hot as my heart skidded to a painful stop. I didn’t want to hear any bad news. My mind started working overtime as I imagined my father, in a hospital room, calling out for me, or worse, dead.

  “God, you’re scaring me. He’s all right, isn’t he?” I wished I could wipe away my fear like the sweat on my brow.

  “No, girl, he’s fine, but he’s not real happy with you right now.”

  Duh, that wasn’t a big surprise because I expected him to be upset.

  “He said you were as dead to him as your mother. But don’t worry, I’ve been checking in on him. He’s getting better. ”

  I felt like I was punched in the stomach by a giant fist. I knew he would be mad but I honestly believed he’d be over it by now, especially once he knew I was okay. Hell, if he acted this way because I joined the army, what would he have done if I had gotten strung out on drugs or begun selling my body? Part of me wanted to call him up and give him a piece of my mind, but the other, darker part of me wanted to go somewhere alone and cry. I was disappointed with myself for taking the coward’s way out instead of addressing the situation with my dad.

  “But why?” This wasn’t making sense to me.

  “He said your mother didn’t tell him she was sick and concealed her illness until she died. He said she left him the same way you did. Honey, I’m sorry. He’s upset right now and I can tell he was hurting, but give him time.
I’ll talk to him and I’m sure he’ll come around. He’s speaking with his emotions right now, not his head.”

  “Why would he listen to you?”

  “Well, I ...” She giggled like a ten-year-old, and I realized she was doing more than comforting my dad and the thought repulsed me. Rita was my age so what did that say about my dad? I hung up the phone. This was too much information to process at one time. I was mad at myself for being selfish and only thinking about myself. I was also ashamed for not being there when he needed me. I tried to outrun the tears that streamed down my face. How could I call myself a Christian if I behaved like such a devil?

  “Whoa, Anji, wait up.” Burns used my first name, which was rare, but I couldn’t stop to talk to her. I heard her boots pounding the pavement behind me. I wanted her to go away and let me have a private moment, but I knew she wouldn’t.

  “Leave me the fuck alone!” I was ready to take out my anger on someone and if she didn’t get up off me, it was going to be her.

  “Whoa, you cussed. Good job.” You’d have thought she’d seen the second coming of Christ from the shocked expression on her face.

  “And?” I shocked my own self too but I wasn’t about to let her know it.

  “Damn, my bad, I was just checking on your monkey ass to see if you were all right.” She stopped walking but she didn’t leave.

  “I’m fine. I just want to be left alone.”

  “Newsflash, I can’t go anywhere if I wanted to. Battle buddies, remember? So you can stand over there and, me, I’ll stand over here.”

  She turned her back to me and starting humming an annoying tune I didn’t recognize.

  “Fine, just don’t talk to me.” I was angry. I was sick of living with a bunch of females, and more than anything I wanted to be home, safe in my own room.

  Rita sounded way too comfortable with my life and I could have sworn I heard something else in her voice. I didn’t know if it was just me and my insecurities, but she sounded like she was actually interested in my dad! I ran to the barracks and fell back on my bunk, placing my pillow over my head. I was trying to block out the disgusting images dancing around in my head.