by Kat Mizera
When I finally caught my breath, embarrassment crept in, but I was too physically and emotionally spent to say or do anything. I just sat there, my head on Sandor’s chest, feeling like my world had been shattered. Again.
“I know you’re hurting,” he said finally. “But everything Erik did and continues to do is to protect you and Luke. You have to believe that.”
“It wasn’t his choice to make!” I hissed, swiping at my eyes. “I should have had a choice or at least known he was still alive.”
“That wouldn’t have worked and you know it. It would’ve eaten at you knowing he was there but out of reach.”
“And thinking he was dead, mourning him all these years, was better?”
“I don’t know, love.” He got to his feet and held out a hand.
I looked up at him sadly and finally took his hand, letting him gently pull me to my feet.
“Why don’t you go upstairs and rest while I clean up the mess down here.”
I looked around and sighed. “You don’t have to. I’ll call the cleaning service.”
“We can’t walk around with shards of glass everywhere. Really, I don’t mind. It’ll give me something to do. I’m pretty torn up too, believe it or not.”
“I believe it. Why don’t you come up when you’re done and we can talk for a while? I don’t want to be alone right now.”
“Okay.”
I padded up the stairs, suddenly drained. All the anger and hurt had poured out of me as I smashed up my living room and sobbed on Sandor’s shoulder. I missed my father so much right now, it was like another blow, and I had to take a few steadying breaths to keep myself from breaking down all over again. Dad would have known what to do. Of course, there was always the chance he’d known about all of this, had played a part in the deception, but I didn’t want to know.
I couldn’t think about that—it hurt too much—so I sank onto my bed and lay back against the pillows. My whole body ached but my heart hurt more.
Erik-was-alive. Erik-was-alive. Erik-was-alive.
The words played in my head over and over until tears slipped out once again. He’d been right here, right in my living room, and I’d told him to leave. While Liz had fought to stay and try to explain, Erik still knew me well enough to know they needed to go. In that moment, I wouldn’t have been able to listen to anything she’d said, and I’d been on the verge of doing something violent. The irony of the whole thing didn’t escape me. I just couldn’t believe she’d fucked me over like she had. She’d known Erik was alive. She’d married him. And then she’d had an affair with my husband. What the fuck kind of friendship was that? Apparently, I wasn’t any good at friendship because I’d trusted her and she’d done this to me. Did that mean I was a shitty friend?
I must have dozed off because the next time I opened my eyes, it was morning and Sandor was sleeping in the chair by my window. I smiled fondly, feeling bad for him because he was way too big to sleep in a chair. I’d told him I didn’t want to be alone so he hadn’t left me, though I wouldn’t have minded if he’d slept on the bed. I trusted him completely. He would never touch me against my will and last night I’d had a mini-breakdown, so knowing he was close would have been welcome. But that wasn’t Sandor. He was nothing if not proper, though he’d come a long way in the last decade. Working on tour with us had forced him away from his usual prim and proper behavior, and I knew there had been a couple of groupies in Cleveland on our first tour that had opened his eyes to a whole new world. I’d never seen Sandor stagger out of anywhere, but he’d all but limped out of the tour bus that night after those two had gotten through with him. We’d teased him mercilessly for weeks after that. It was still one of my fondest memories of him.
“Why are you watching me sleep?” he rumbled, sitting up.
“’Cause you look so uncomfortable in that chair.” I slid my feet over the side of the bed and winced. I was really sore today.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, just sore.” I got to my feet and went into the bathroom. By the time I’d freshened up and come out, he was gone, so I went downstairs in search of food.
The living room was spotless, albeit missing quite a few decorations, and I sighed as I picked up the wedding picture I’d decimated. Well, the photo itself had survived, and Sandor had thoughtfully put it on one of the end tables. I left it where he’d put it and went to the kitchen to make some coffee.
I’d just poured myself a cup when he came in, his hair wet from the shower he’d taken.
“You should’ve slept on the bed,” I told him, pouring him a cup.
He raised his eyebrows. “You’re kidding, right?”
“It’s not like anything was going to happen,” I said softly. “I trust you.”
“I’m still a man,” he replied just as softly. “And you’re a beautiful woman. We were both raw and needy last night—bad shit happens when two people as emotionally damaged as we are get too close.” He took the cup of coffee from me and sipped it. “Damn, that’s good. Thank you.”
“We’re already close,” I said, pulling eggs out of the refrigerator.
“Would you sit down?” he demanded, gently pushing me onto a bar stool by the island. “Tell me what you want and I’ll make it.”
His thoughtfulness warmed me and I realized I’d given him more of a pass on his deception than the others and that had to be addressed, at least indirectly.
“Sandor?”
He paused, his back to me. I hadn’t called him that in a long time. “Yeah?” He didn’t turn.
“What’s it been like for you the last ten years, hiding everything from me?”
His large shoulders sagged for a moment before he slowly turned, his hazel eyes meeting mine sadly. “Hell,” he said softly. “Pure hell.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“You have nothing to apologize for. I’ve been honored to take care of you and Luke all these years. He’s the kid I’ll never have.”
“Why not?”
“What?” He seemed confused by my question.
“Why won’t you ever have kids?”
“I’m thirty-eight, completely single, and my whole life is a secret. What woman is ever going to want to be part of that?”
“You never know.”
He smiled. “I know. I’m not much of a catch anymore.”
“In a different situation, where you weren’t who you are to me and I wasn’t a hot mess, I would date you.”
His eyes softened and he reached out one big hand, gently rubbing his knuckles across my cheek. “You’re a good woman, Casey Hart.”
“You’re a pretty great guy yourself.”
“So, what do you want for breakfast?” He turned back to the counter. “Eggs?”
“Marisol will be here soon. Sit and talk to me. Please.”
He sighed. “Honey, I can’t talk about all the details… That’s between you and him. Trust me when I say it’s eaten at him every day since he left you. He and Liz aren’t married like you and Jayson are married.”
“What does that mean?”
He paused. “Will you do one thing for me?”
“Of course. Anything.” I met his eyes in surprise.
“Talk to him. Alone. Just the two of you. Give him a chance to explain. I promise, even if you’re still hurt by the way he did things, you’ll understand how necessary it was.”
“I’m so confused,” I admitted sadly. “Seeing him with…Liz, well, that was more than I could take.”
“I know. I warned them it was too much, but they were insistent they come see you together.”
“I can’t remember the last time I shrieked like that,” I whispered, biting my lip.
He quirked his lips. “Yeah, that was pretty epic. Although, to be fair, your meltdown after they left was even more intense.”
We chuckled together and I was never more grateful for his friendship than I was right now. “Thank you,” I said. “I mean it. Last night might have driv
en me over the edge if you hadn’t been here to hang on to that last bit of my sanity.”
We heard the garage door opening and he looked at me. “Do you promise to talk to him?”
“I promise.”
“Hello, hello!” Marisol came bustling in with Luke and the twins behind her.
“Mommy!” Jessie was more of a cuddler than the others and she ran straight for my arms. Sandor caught her just before she reached me.
“Easy, kiddo. Mommy’s ribs are broken. Be gentle.”
Jessie paused and slowly wrapped her arms around me. “Everything has been scary, Mommy. I don’t like when we’re not at our house.”
“I know, baby, but I’m okay. Really.”
“What about Daddy?” She turned to look at me with eyes so much like her father’s it was eerie.
“The doctors are taking really good care of him,” I said gently, smoothing her hair back out of her face.
“Can we go see him today?” Joss asked.
“Of course. Let’s have breakfast first and then—”
“We already had breakfast,” Joss interrupted. “Can we go now?”
“Well, I haven’t had breakfast, so why don’t you guys have a snack or something while I eat and then we’ll get ready to go?”
“Do I have to go?” Luke asked, settling on the bar stool next to mine.
I turned to him, frowning. “Why wouldn’t you? Don’t you want to see him?”
“Hospitals creep me out.”
“You’ve never really been to one, have you?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. But people die there.”
“People also get better there.”
“Yeah, okay. I guess.”
“If you don’t come to the hospital, you’ll have to go to school.”
“I think I’d rather go to school.”
I was surprised, but didn’t want to force the issue. “All right, buddy.” I glanced at Sandor. “Will you take him?”
“Sure.” Sandor grabbed his keys. “Go get your stuff, buddy.”
We exchanged a strange look but let it go. I’d dig a little deeper once we were alone.
Sandor drove me and the twins to the hospital and I took them up to Jay’s room. He was a little better today, sitting up in bed. A smile lit his face when he saw the girls, and he held out his arms. They ran to him, gently but firmly throwing their arms around him. He hugged them tightly for a moment, his eyes meeting mine over their heads. I saw a lot of regret there, but I wasn’t going to address it with the girls in the room.
They visited for half an hour until I saw him starting to droop and I sent them with Sandor to get a snack at the vending machines.
“You need me to call a nurse?” I asked him.
“No, I just need to rest a little.”
“Okay. I’ll leave you to it.”
“No. Wait. Please.”
“Jay, I’m really raw right now and you’re in no condition to argue or fight.”
“I know, but I need you to know how sorry I am about how all of this went down. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”
“Yeah, well, it’s a little late now.” I stared out the window, my battered psyche unable to process any more distasteful information.
“As soon as I found out he was alive,” he whispered, “I wanted to tell you. I wanted to ease that ache in your soul, make you happy again. I hope you know that. I did some things I’m ashamed of, but not that part—that was all for you. Casey, I love you. I always have. Maybe not the same way anymore, but the feelings and the history of everything we’ve shared are still there.”
“Were there others?” I asked quietly.
He shook his head. “I swear on our kids, no. And we didn’t… I mean, there was nothing physical until I realized I was in love with her.”
“I guess that’s something.” I took as deep of a breath as I could with my ribs the way they were. “But why Liz? Why one of my friends?”
“Because she realized I had a gambling problem and asked if she could help. It wasn’t like you’re thinking, where we were hooking up behind your back or something. I mean, we did, towards the end, now, but not initially. I hope you believe that.”
I looked at him sadly. “I don’t know what to believe.”
“I’m sorry.” He held out his hand. “Please, Casey. Let me tell you everything.”
“I can’t,” I whispered sadly. “Not yet.” I swiped at my eyes. “I need time to think, work through the anger burning through me. Then, when I’m a little calmer, we can talk and decide what we’re going to do.”
“Don’t you see? We don’t have to do anything.”
“What?”
“We can stay exactly the way we are, if you want, but I can be with Liz and you can be with Er—er, Scott. No one ever has to know and Luke will still be safe.”
I stared at him. That was crazy and I told him so. “I can’t live like that, Jay. I’m not sure what your thought process was, but I’m not going to live my life in the shadows. Not anymore.”
“Honey, I know you still love him.”
“But I don’t know if I can forgive him.”
“But—”
“I’m going to take the kids to Crete,” I told him, changing the subject abruptly. “I’m leaving tomorrow, but school isn’t out until next week and Sandor will bring them to me then. I need some time by myself, to really think about things, and then you’ll have time to heal and do whatever it is you and Liz want to do.”
“I don’t want you over there alone,” he said.
“You don’t get to make those kinds of decisions anymore.”
“Casey.” He took a breath. “I know you’re upset, but don’t do this. Don’t walk away without really taking the time to listen. To me, to Liz, and especially to Scott.”
“Why should I discuss what I’m going to do with any of you? None of you ever gave me that courtesy before you did any of the stuff you did. I guess now it’s my turn to make unilateral decisions.” I squeezed his hand and then turned and walked out of the room.
8
Erik
I hadn’t seen it, but I’d heard the shattering of glass and Casey’s scream of rage after we walked out of her house that night. Though I didn’t go back in, I pressed my forehead to the door and listened, feeling every ounce of agony, suffering with her as she let out her pent-up emotions. Sandor was with her, so I wasn’t worried about her hurting herself, but it killed me to peek through the window and see her sobbing into his chest. It wasn’t until she’d cried herself out that I let Ace and Liz drag me away.
I hadn’t slept that night or the one after that, cursing myself, cursing Liz and practically condemning Jayson for the way this had played out. Casey was never supposed to find out I was alive, and definitely not like this. I was furious with both Liz and Jayson but that wouldn’t solve anything. In fact, I couldn’t think of anything I could do to fix this.
And my mother.
Fuck.
Now my mother knew as well and I had to see her. She and my father were coming to me today, all cloak and dagger, of course, which just pissed me off. I’d spent eleven fucking years as a dead man and because Jayson fucking Keller couldn’t keep it in his pants, my carefully constructed world was crumbling. Hell, I didn’t even care about myself, but I hated this for the people I loved. My mother. My sister. Casey. My strong, beautiful Casey, and I’d almost broken her.
I couldn’t get the sound of Casey’s scream out of my mind. It would probably be a long time before I could sleep again because her screams, and the sound of shattering glass, fucking shredded me. From the outside looking in, someone who didn’t know her might think she was a drama queen, making a scene because she was looking for attention. But that wasn’t Casey. I knew her better than anyone, and if anything, she’d been letting it all out so she could crawl back into the privacy of her mind and suffer alone. Like she’d done for the last decade. The moment I’d seen her, regret had shot through me. I’d convince
d myself that what I’d done had been the right decision, the one that would protect her and my son, but in retrospect, maybe I’d made a mistake. Maybe I should have fought for what was mine. From the kingdom to my family heritage to my woman.
My woman.
Even now, I considered her mine.
Eleven years of missing her.
Eleven years of missing the life we were supposed to have.
How the fuck was I ever going to fix what I’d broken, both in her and in myself?
“You okay?” Liz’s soft voice brought me back to the present and I turned to her.
“I think you know the answer to that.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. What are you going to do?”
“We can’t make any plans until we figure out who the guy was in the pickup truck.”
“Are we anywhere with that?”
“No, but Ace has a contact at the morgue—I’m not even going to ask him how—and he’s going to try to get some DNA to run in the databases.”
“Nothing with facial recognition?”
“Not yet.”
“Leni doing okay?”
“Leni is in the fold of more grandparents than she ever knew she had.”
“Wait until my mother finds out about this.”
“She’s here.”
“Fuck.” I took a breath. “Would you mind terribly if I had some time alone with my parents?”
“Of course not. I’ll be at the hospital if you need me.”
I nodded.
This was going to be hard. My father had promised he would tell my mother everything before I saw her, but I couldn’t imagine what she had to have gone through all these years. I didn’t know if she was going to love me or hate me right now, but I stood up to face her.
“Erik.” Her eyes filled with tears and then she was hugging me tightly, alternately burying her face in my chest and staring up at my face. “I can’t believe it,” she whispered.