by Kat Mizera
He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing slowly before he nodded. “Yeah. To all of those things.”
“Then you have to be with her. You just have to figure out what you’re willing to give up to have her. She’s not leaving Monte Carlo and if you go there, that’s the end of Pretty Harts. You both have children that live on separate continents, jobs on separate continents, and her ties to the CIA will impact you just because you’ll be with her, so there’s a lot for you to consider.”
He had the strangest look on his face as he asked, “What about you? Would you move to Monte Carlo to be with him? Uproot your three children? The band? The studio? What’s your plan?”
I huffed out a half-hearted laugh. “I’ve already been through this with him,” I said quietly. “In fact, I’ve done it twice. The first time was so he could keep me and our baby safe, and the second time was when he realized how far Anwar would go to be king. There’s no happily ever after in this situation for Erik and me. I’ve resigned myself to my fate and I’ll do what I can to help you and Liz, but it’s a nonissue for me and it’s not going to be easy for you either.”
“Okay, wait. Why would you already have given up on you and Erik? Why isn’t he fighting for you?”
I still hadn’t allowed myself to think too much about the answer to that question after my last conversation with Erik, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to talk about it with Jay. “Because of Luke,” I said out loud. “Anything we do could bring attention to him and he looks too much like Erik for people not to notice. His eyes are even greener now than they were when he was a baby.”
“Liz said he gave up too soon, that the anti-rebellion was on the verge of a breakthrough but Erik said enough was enough, too many people would die if they kept pushing Anwar. I don’t know what context that was in, because it was pillow talk, but the truth is probably somewhere between what he really said and what she told me.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Because I want you to be happy and I know you still love him.”
“Love doesn’t change our reality or make it any safer for Luke.”
“All I’m saying is, Liz and I are battling uphill every step of the way to be together, and you should too. Not for me, because Liz and I already promised each other that we wouldn’t do anything or make any decisions about the future without you and Erik involved, but for yourself.”
“That was very thoughtful,” I said after a moment, “but you and Liz need to do whatever you’re going to do without putting Erik and me into the equation, because when it’s all said and done, there isn’t going to be an us.”
22
Erik
In spite of what Casey thought, I hadn’t allowed her to walk away from me lightly. In fact, I’d thought of nothing else since she’d left my hotel room two days ago. She’d caught me off guard, and in that moment, I simply hadn’t wanted to say or do anything that would upset her any more than necessary. She’d issued a challenge and instead of rising to it, I’d backed down and let her go. And I’d been beating myself up over it ever since. I didn’t know what the fuck was wrong with me. I’d never been the kind of man who gave up on anything, yet she was right when she said that I had. I’d given up on my country, my place in the royal family, my family, and even—fuck if this wasn’t the worst part—myself.
I hadn’t realized I’d been doing it until she pointed it out. It was like Anwar had taken more than the throne when he’d killed most of our family and taken over Limaj—he’d destroyed the essence of the man I’d been about to become eleven years ago. And I’d let him.
Motherfucker.
I wasn’t responsible for the terrible things Anwar had done, but I was responsible for how I’d let them impact me. Even now, knowing that Daniil was up to something that could possibly put Luke, Casey, and me, or all three of us in danger, I’d been reluctant to make a move. I used the excuse that it was safer to hang back and not out my identity since Daniil hadn’t seemed inclined to do it all these years, but deep down I knew I should have confronted him. Why hadn’t I?
The questions ate at me until I couldn’t stand it anymore.
I fished out my phone and sent Sandor a text.
Scott: I need to see you right away.
Swede: I can’t get away just yet. Give me an hour.
I put the phone down and paced until he got there.
By the time he knocked, I was so agitated I was about to crawl out of my skin.
“Tell me something,” I demanded as soon as he shut the door.
“Okay.” He eyed me warily.
“If you were me eleven years ago, what would you have done?”
He arched his brows. “With which thing?”
“All of it. Casey, Anwar, faking my death, all of it.”
He hesitated, which was never good. Sandor wasn’t the kind of man who was unsure and he only tended to hedge like this when he was trying to come up with the right answer, or something to placate me.
“God dammit, answer me!” I yelled, glaring at him. “Your woman, your baby, your kingdom—what would you have done?”
“I would have died fighting.”
I growled in response, turning and pounding my fist into the wall in frustration.
“Did you hear what I said?” Sandor asked, coming to stand beside me. “I would have died.”
“I heard you.”
“No, I don’t think you did.” He grabbed my arm before I could swing again and enunciated slowly. “I. Would. Have. Died. So now, eleven years later, I’d be nothing but maggot-food or ashes in an urn somewhere. My woman and my son would actually have lost me because I would have shown up at Parliament or the palace or wherever, guns blazing, and though I might have killed Anwar too, I almost definitely wouldn’t have made it out alive.”
“What’s the difference?” I demanded. “I’m alive but I might as well be dead! I don’t have my position, my name, my son, or my woman. What’s the fucking point of being alive?”
“The point is that it’s not too late.” His eyes met mine. “By showing restraint back then, something I wouldn’t have had without your guidance, you’re still here to fight another day now.”
“So you think dying now versus eleven years ago is somehow better?”
“It’s better because we’ve had eleven long years to watch, plot and scheme. To get older and stronger and smarter. To learn his weaknesses.”
“We don’t know his fucking weaknesses.”
“Sure we do. You just haven’t given them much thought because you gave up.”
“When did I give up?” I asked in a raspy voice, hanging my head. “Fuck, Sandor, when the fuck did I give up?”
“I don’t know,” he said quietly. “But it’s never too late.”
I turned to him, as if he knew something I didn’t. “Isn’t it?”
“No.”
“What do we do? How do I fix this mess I’ve made of my life?”
“The mess wasn’t your doing. The only thing you’re guilty of is not fighting harder.”
“That’s what Casey said. She said she couldn’t watch me give up on myself and I didn’t understand what that meant until just now.”
“You’ve had the weight of the world on your shoulders,” Sandor said gently. “You tasked me with keeping Casey and Luke safe, so I had purpose. You, on the other hand, had none. You lost yourself in the Charleston Monte Carlo, the CIA to a degree, and then Leni. And while none of those things are bad, they aren’t you. Leni, of course, is part of you now, but that other stuff? That’s not you at all. You’re a born leader and our people have been waiting for you to go home and fight for them. As have I.”
I met his gaze warily. “I don’t know how to start this fight, Sandor. I really don’t. I’ve been in the shadows so long, I don’t even know which direction the light is, much less how to follow it.”
“I have a flashlight, my brother.”
Our eyes locked and for the first time in a long time�
��probably a decade—a sliver of sunshine shone through the darkness. It was as though I’d been holding my breath for ten long years and someone had just allowed me a shot of oxygen. I didn’t know why, but it felt good. I’d never needed Sandor to take care of me but I’d always counted on his counsel, his wisdom, his yang to my yin. And once I’d tasked him with protecting Casey and Luke, he’d no longer been here for me. Obviously, that had impacted me in ways I hadn’t anticipated.
I turned abruptly, unwilling to show any more vulnerability than I already had. “What do you propose?” I asked quietly.
“It begins with Daniil.”
I sighed. That’s what I’d been afraid of. I was still struggling to accept that he was a traitor and had possibly been in league with Anwar all along. “I’m willing to do most of the hard stuff, but this has to be you. You have to be the one to confront your brother. I can do it, it’s not as though he’s not aware that I’m still alive, but you’re brothers… There has to be a level of intimacy that I don’t have with him.”
“I don’t know what bond you’re talking about,” Sandor said quietly. “You’re more my brother than he is. He was younger and far more interested in the playboy life than his royal duties. We grew apart before Anwar took power.”
“Could that be the problem?”
He stiffened and then shrugged. “Long before Uncle Isak’s death, I volunteered to train as a royal bodyguard and to be your right-hand man. From that day, my life changed and he and I went in separate directions. While Vardan thought it was noble, Daniil kind of teased me about it, saying I was giving up my title of prince to be a servant. I think he thought it was beneath us.”
“What about you?” I asked, though I was pretty sure I already knew the answer. “Did you think that?”
He rumbled out a laugh. “Really? I’ve offered to die for both you and your son a dozen times over the years and you have to ask?”
“No, but I figure I should be sure.”
“Whatever.” He flipped me the bird as he pulled out his phone. “I’m going to find out Chains’ and Joe’s availability to watch Luke and I’ll book a flight to the U.K. What are you going to do?”
“Write my girl a love letter,” I said with a faint smile, “that I need you to deliver before you go.”
He arched a golden brow at me. “A love letter?”
“She dumped me. I think I have some groveling to do, but at this point in our relationship, we’re beyond flowers and jewelry.”
“Ah. Now the change of heart makes sense.” He smiled as he started to talk on the phone. “Hey, I have to go out of town for a few days…”
23
Casey
Between my life circumstances and the need for privacy, coupled with a rigorous touring schedule, I’d never had a lot of friends. I had my family, Skye, the band and a handful of people in my inner circle like Liz and Jade, but for the most part, I didn’t have girlfriends like other women did. One exception to that rule was Tina. I’d met her by accident earlier this year at a show here in Las Vegas. The twins had been out in the audience enjoying the opening act with Sasha when a fight broke out. Tina and her professional hockey player boyfriend, Royce, had protected them until security could get to them. We’d invited them backstage to thank them and one thing led to another. Tina had become my travel agent, helped me run the studio when we’d been on tour, and had become one of my few confidantes.
I didn’t tell her anything huge, like Luke’s paternity, but she’d known my marriage was in trouble and that I still missed the prince who’d died. I hadn’t seen much of her since the car accident, but she checked in on me regularly and today we were meeting for lunch. It had been four weeks since the accident and I was done with the sling. I’d healed quickly and the doctor said I could go without it but not to lift anything heavy and I had to start physical therapy. I was just happy that I didn’t have that extra material on me since it was so hot out.
Tina was waiting when I got to our favorite restaurant and she hugged me tightly. “It’s so good to see you!” She looked me over carefully. “Have you lost more weight?”
“Probably.” I shrugged. “I always lose weight when I’m stressed.”
“I wish I did,” she sighed. “I’m a stress-eater.”
“I’m a stress-sleeper,” I chuckled. We sat down and a waitress took our orders.
“So tell me everything,” Tina said softly.
I sighed. It was so hard having conversations like this, and it was one of many reasons I didn’t have a lot of friends. Luke had to be protected at all costs, but I’d gotten to a point now where I didn’t care about my own safety as much. I’d already lost so much, I needed some semblance of normalcy in my life and it was normal to have friends. Wasn’t it?
“Well,” I said slowly, “Jay has been having an affair.”
She groaned. “I’m sorry. That sucks. Is he leaving?”
“She’s pregnant.”
She wrinkled her nose. “Jesus. That was thoughtless.”
“You don’t know the half of it. She’s a friend of mine.”
Tina’s mouth fell open. “Fuck. What are you going to do?”
“I…” I rested my elbows on the table and my chin on my fists. “There’s a lot going on and I’m not supposed to talk about it, but…”
“You don’t have to tell me,” she whispered sympathetically. “But you can trust me. I swear, I would never tell a soul.”
“I know. I’ve just lived with secrecy for so long and now…” My voice trailed off and I just looked at her. Secrets sucked and I so needed to tell someone about Erik. Someone who wasn’t intimately involved. Someone who would help me make an unbiased decision about what to do. Skye and my mother were horrified that I’d told him I didn’t want to see him anymore, but maybe Tina would offer a new perspective.
To her credit, Tina didn’t say anything and calmly dug into her salad when it arrived.
“He’s alive,” I blurted out. “My prince. Erik.”
She nearly choked on the piece of bread she’d been about to swallow and she gaped at me. “What?!”
“I know. Believe me.” I told her the basics without mentioning Luke or the CIA. “And now it’s like déjà vu all over again. He can’t come out publicly because he thinks his cousin will kill him or use me to somehow manipulate him. And I can’t live that way, Tina. I just can’t.”
“Oh. My. God.” She looked as shell-shocked as I felt. “So you’ve seen him and he still loves you and you still love him?”
I nodded.
“And then you told him not to contact you anymore?”
I nodded again.
“Are you crazy? You’ve loved him all this time and you’re going to let him go?”
I groaned. “You’re supposed to be unbiased and tell me I’m doing the right thing.”
She smiled. “You’re looking at someone who walked away from the man she loved with the hope that he’d get his shit together, and it worked, so I get it, but this is different. You’ve been apart for a decade—haven’t you wasted enough time?”
“Yes, but how can I be in a relationship with a dead man? Either he comes out and gets his life back or we can’t be together. I’m not going to sneak around for quickies in hotel rooms a few times a month or year or whatever.”
“And what happens if his old enemies come after you to manipulate him, just as he’s afraid of?”
“I don’t know, but how is a half-assed relationship in the shadows good for either of us?”
“It’s been ten years and you’re still not over him. How is not being with him at all good for you either?”
I sighed. I hated that everyone disagreed with me, but maybe they were right. “So you think having him secretly, once in a while, is better than not having him at all.”
“I think life is too short to be miserable and it’s pretty obvious you’re not moving on. I think you need him more than you want to admit.”
“I do,” I whispered sadl
y. “I hate being that woman, the kind who needs a man to be complete, but I need him more than I need food or water or even air. It’s embarrassing.”
“You don’t have anything to be embarrassed about.” She reached across the table and took my hand. “There’s a difference in needing someone to survive and needing the right person to complete you. You don’t need him in the traditional sense—you have money, a career and complete independence. You’re a successful businesswoman, a mom, and a talented artist. He brings nothing to the table with those things. Needing him to fill your soul, to add light to your life, is different. Make yourself happy, Casey. You already know how hard it is without him.”
I nibbled a piece of bread thoughtfully, mulling over what she’d said. I didn’t normally eat a lot of bread but today it tasted wonderful and I smeared some butter on it too, something else I didn’t do very often, as if Tina giving me permission to love Erik again—which was dumb since I’d never stopped—somehow made everything better, even my appetite.
“My biggest fear is that he’ll out himself so we can be together and then his enemies will come after him.”
“That could happen anyway, especially now that his wife is with Jay. Besides, it’s his choice, isn’t it?”
“Well, it’s been his choice to stay in hiding. If he comes out, it’s because of me, so that makes it my fault if something happens.”
“He’s a grown man who’s made a hundred different choices in his life since all that stuff happened with his cousin. If he decides you’re worth the risk, just as you’ve chosen that he is, then it’s on him.”
“I know.” I breathed in deeply. “But why am I so scared?”
“Because it’s scary. I mean, that’s a given. But you’ve got this. You’re going to have to up your security game and be a little extra diligent—” She paused and looked around. “Where’s your security detail?”