by Claire Adams
My love life was non-existent. Instead of a love life, it was a sex life. There hadn’t been emotions or love involved. There was no moral compass, at all.
I wasn’t sure if I had a clearer moral compass now, but I did know that I wanted to do better in my personal life. Business would always work itself out, but my personal life was where the joy had to come from. If I ever wanted to be an old married man with a wife who loved me, I had to make some changes.
“Where you going?” Cassidy asked as I layered my clothes and readied for the hike.
“I’m hiking. I’ll catch you later.”
“Okay, but I’d like to talk to you about what happened at my house.”
“I had a great time,” I said as I leaned in to her. “But you shouldn’t be talking about that here or you’ll get in trouble.”
“We can talk later,” she said.
She seemed unsure of herself and what she wanted to talk about, but I knew she wanted to talk about me leaving early. It really wasn’t meant to be rude or anything like that. I just didn’t need another day in her house to realize I still had a lot of work to do.
“Where’s everyone at?” I asked as I waited with Melanie to leave for the hike.
“It’s very cold out today. I think people are changing their mind about hiking.”
“I’m still game if you are.”
“I’m going, I’m going,” Stan said as he ran up to us.
He didn’t look like he was in good enough shape to be pounding away on another winter hike. The weather was much worse than when we had gone before. The warm, winter days full of sun had left the mountains and we were in the midst of cold, snowy days again.
“We aren’t going too far. Just out two miles and back,” Melanie said as she opened the back door.
The trail was still plowed, but there were a couple inches of snow covering the path. It wasn’t enough to worry about, and the boots I had worked just fine to keep my feet warm. Melanie took the lead and then me and Stan was right being us. We didn’t talk. There was no therapy going on, just three people moving through the winter trail and contemplating their own existence.
My mind filled with all the potential my future seemed to hold now that I was sober. There was no end to the possibilities. Maybe Spencer and I would invest in this new movie studio and it would be successful. We could be those Hollywood-type guys who went to movie premieres and met famous people on a daily basis.
I thought about what it would be like to buy a home in that area, maybe even down by the beach. San Francisco wasn’t all that warm by the beach, so I had bought my home there up on the hill. But the beach sounded much more like it would be a place to relax.
Then, I let my thoughts go back to my father and brother. My father had disowned me when I left. He had been so hateful and angry. But in recent days, I had started to feel bad for him. His age and his health weren’t getting any better, and I had left him with my younger brother to run things.
My anger had clouded my ability to see that my family was hurting. My father had a broken heart from losing my mother and instead of being there and trying to work things out, I stayed away.
But as I walked through the cold, mountain air, there was one thing that weighed heavier on my mind than anything else: money.
I had never sent my father and brother a single dime of money to help them out. Even after I sold my business and clearly had more money than I knew what to do with, it had never dawned on me to give back to them. I hadn’t offered to pay for the salary of a manager for the funeral home so they could take a break. I had given my own flesh and blood absolutely nothing.
The thought of my own selfishness was almost too much to handle. Never had I thought of myself as a heartless person. I had always played the victim of a father who didn’t love me and disowned me when I went to college. My own version of the story had clouded what my father had been going through at the time. And my own anger had prevented me from going to him and trying to make amends.
I would make amends, though. It was time that I gave back and built my own family up. Cassidy’s family had so much love between them. They weren’t perfect – they argued, they probably said things they had regretted over the years – but they loved each other and didn’t let anything take that love away.
It was up to me to bring an end to the feud in my family and I knew the perfect way to do that. Of course, money couldn’t buy happiness and I didn’t expect to buy their love with it. But I had an idea for how I could lessen the burden for my brother and father and give them a little peace of mind for the future.
As my mind spun away, I realized that Stan had moved ahead of me and we had already turned around and were heading home.
“Wow, I must have been zoned out,” I said under my breath.
“Or you’re just so out of shape that an elderly man is kicking your ass.” Stan laughed.
“Probably both.”
It was nearing dinnertime when we arrived back, and I saw Cassidy handing everyone’s meals out to them. I knew she wanted to talk, but I had to make some phone calls. My energy was ramped up for the things I wanted to do for my family and I couldn’t stop for anything.
“Heath, I need you to do something for me, and you can’t tell Dad,” I said when I got a hold of him.
“I’m not going to keep secrets from Pop,” he said with trepidation.
“Just listen to me first and then you can tell me if you can do it. Okay?”
Heath did not sound thrilled to listen to what I had to say. He didn’t even seem interested in talking to me on the phone, but I wasn’t doing this to make them love me or be nice to me again. I was doing this because I truly wanted their lives to be better. Even if they continued to push me away, I was going to continue to move toward them. I was going to show that I loved them and would help care for both of them as much as I could.
“Fine, what’s up?”
“I’ve got to set up some business legal stuff. Can you send me the name of the funeral home’s mortgage company? I’d like to see if they can finance a project I’m doing. Oh, and I need the name of that local bank down the street from Dad’s house, if you have that.”
“Sure, I’ll email it to you. Do you have access to that?” my brother said with as little enthusiasm as possible.
“I’m sure I can manage it. Thanks, Heath.”
“Sure, talk to you later,” he said in an effort to get off the phone as quickly as possible.
“Wait, how are you doing?” I managed to squeeze in before he hung up.
“What?”
“How are you?”
My question seemed to surprise him, and it made me feel horrible. He wasn’t used to me asking about his life. I typically just complained about mine or we had some sort of other awkward conversation or argument, and then we hung up. A few months down the road, we might speak again.
“I’m good, I guess.”
“Any ladies in the picture?”
Heath laughed the question off, but then as I sat silently, he decided to answer. Heath was a handsome guy with blond hair and a muscular build. There really was no reason that the women weren’t throwing themselves at him.
“Pretty hard to get a woman when I still live with Dad. I tried buying my own place, but it will probably get repossessed soon. With the mortgage and second mortgage Dad has on the funeral home and his house, there’s not enough money for me to move out.”
His words cut me hard and it hurt that I hadn’t noticed their struggles before. I really had been too wrapped up in my own world to even see what they were struggling with. Money was something I could easily give my brother and father, yet I hadn’t even tried to help them out.
“That sounds very difficult.”
“I better get going. We have a lot to do this week. I’m glad you’re doing better,” Heath said and then quickly got off the phone.
I stood at the nursing station for a few minutes, sort of staring off into space as I processed everythin
g. It was eye opening to realize that I might have been just as wrong in my relationship with my family as they had been. For years, I had blamed them and taking on some of the blame myself was an entirely new emotion for me.
“Everything all right?” Cassidy asked as she stood next to me.
I wasn’t sure if she was talking about my phone call or what was going on between the two of us, but the answer was the same.
“Yeah, I think so.”
“I saw you signed up for yoga tomorrow morning. That’s brave. I don’t even wake up that early. I couldn’t imagine trying to do those crazy poses.”
“Just going to give it a try. Thought I’d see how it suits me.”
“Good for you.”
“I better get going, lots to do. Have a good day working,” I said as I went to my room.
Having a room with a door on it wasn’t all that special to me anymore. Although it had been the only thing I could concentrate on when I first arrived, I had started to just leave my door open most of the time.
Instead of hiding away from everyone, I liked being open to visitors. We had new people arriving after New Year’s, and Jarrod and I talked about how I was now an example to them of what could work well for their treatment if they worked hard.
It baffled me that I could be an example for anyone, but it further fueled my new mindset that I was going to take advantage of my time in Aspen and really move forward.
As I sat in my bed, I furiously penned some new ideas for business, movies, and helping others. My mind felt so clear and focused. It hadn’t been like that since I left home and went off to college. That time in my life was filled with focus for a future that I wanted so desperately I was willing to give up everything that I knew.
Would I be willing to give up the past I had known for the last few years? I hoped so. I hoped that I would be able to put my new skills to work and finally be able to stay sober. What I had thought was just me messing around was a full-blown addiction and I now took responsibility for that.
I still wasn’t all that sure I knew how to control my urges. I wasn’t sure I would be able to stay sober with the skills I was learning at Paradise Peak, but I sure as hell wanted to try and be the man I knew I had inside of me.
Chapter Seventeen
Cassidy
For a week, Erik had pretty much been ignoring me. He would say hi in the halls as he walked past to some sort of group he had signed up for. I didn’t think he was angry with me, but I really had no idea. We hadn’t had more than 30 seconds of time alone in any one sitting since he had returned from Christmas at my house.
He was doing what he was supposed to be doing. If he and I had truly just been patient and employee, I wouldn’t have thought anything at all about how he was acting. Erik was working his program and seemed extremely zoned in on his treatment plan and what would happen after he left the facility.
The girl in me felt left out, though. I saw him running around with a smile on his face and focus in his eyes, and I wished I was more of a part of whatever was making him happy. But the adult in me knew this was exactly what Erik needed. He needed to focus on himself without whatever it was that he and I had been doing before. If anything, his new focus on his treatment made him even sexier to me.
He wasn’t stopping to flirt with me; he wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing. His number one focus was himself, as it should be when you were in treatment.
It was funny that I was internally complaining about him not flirting with me, when only a few weeks before I had been complaining that he was flirting too much. Apparently, I hadn’t found my happy median yet.
When New Year’s Eve came, I volunteered to be on shift because I was one of the few people who didn’t want to go out. Being sober and the New Year’s holiday didn’t mix well for me. I found it incredibly hard to go out and have a good time now that I didn’t drink. Not to say that I didn’t think eventually I would be able to do it, just at the moment, I wasn’t able to find my groove.
The overnight shift wasn’t going to be boring on New Year’s. Everyone was hyped up and excited to watch the big Ball Drop event in New York City. Even though it was two hours ahead of Colorado time, it was the best event to watch on television. There were going to be some of the biggest names in music and movies on the show. I was actually excited to be at work with the patients instead of at home with my family – at least it seemed a little less boring.
Susan was the only nurse on staff for the night, and she had to stay on the secure unit with one of the technicians. I was left alone on my unit unless there was a medication issue that I had to call her for. It didn’t happen very often that we staffed ourselves so short, but I wasn’t concerned about it, at all. Everyone would be asleep after the ball dropped in New York, and then the rest of the night was just making sure everyone slept and there were no medical issues.
“All right, everyone, I’ve got snacks for the big night,” I said as I wheeled a cart full of all the snacks I could find in the back room.
There was a collective cheer in the room, and Brianna got up to help me hand out some cups with juice in them. Brianna had been a bit lost since she had returned from the hospital. She was used to caring for three small children all the time, so being in treatment and only having herself to worry about was difficult for her.
Snacks while in a drug treatment facility were like getting a letter from home. Patients got so tired of the healthy food that was being served and would become desperate for candy and soda if they could get their hands a hold of it.
“Erik, chocolate or sour candy?” I asked as I held up two boxes of candy.
“Chocolate, of course.” He laughed.
I handed out a box of candy for each patient and left the rest of the snacks for people to pillage through throughout the night. We had pulled all the couches to one side of the unit and in front of the big television so we could watch the show in comfort that evening.
“Here,” Erik said quietly as he put his hand on the empty cushion and motioned me to sit with him.
I couldn’t help but smile. I felt better about things just getting to sit near him. I had relegated myself to being his friend. I knew we both could use a nice solid and sober friend outside of the walls of Paradise Peak.
“My mom says hi,” I whispered as we watched the show.
No one else was paying attention to the two of us as we sat at the back of the group; they were all enthralled with the show on the television. My mom had continued to ask me questions about Erik every day since Christmas. She had even decided that it was perfectly fine if I wanted to date him because I wasn’t his therapist or doctor; I just worked in the same building. My father stayed pretty quiet about the whole thing, but he didn’t specifically object to my mother’s logic.
I had to admit, I had run that same logic through my mind, too. I had even taken the time to look through my employee manual and didn’t find anything that would actually prevent me from dating Erik after he left. Although, my logical side continued to say it was probably a bad idea.
Would it really be all that bad if two consenting adults, like Erik and I, decided to have some sort of relationship? Certainly it had to have happened at some point before in the facility’s history.
“Tell your mom I said hi back. You’re really lucky to have her. Since my mom passed away, there hasn’t been a day that has gone by that I don’t miss her terribly.”
“I’m sorry your mom is gone. I can’t even imagine it. My mom is like my best friend.”
“You know, people always say that to me and I never really thought anything about it until I met your mother. That night at your house made me miss my own mother horribly.”
“Is that why you left?”
“No, I just had an overwhelming urge to move forward. I can’t really describe it. Maybe it was our argument, or the emotions of the night. I’m not sure. I hope you don’t think it was because of you.”
“Oh, yeah, I totally thought it
was because of me.”
“Really? Shit, I’m sorry.”
“It’s all right. I’ve seen you so happy this week and I figured it was probably for the best. Maybe we could be friends when you get out. I always need more friends in my life.”
Erik was quiet as we both watched the New Year’s Eve show for a little bit. He seemed like he had something he wanted to say, but then whenever he started to talk, he would close his mouth again and stop.
For a good thirty minutes, I watched him out of the corner of my eye as he would turn toward me like he was going to say something and then he would turn away. He never decided to actually say whatever it was that he had been holding onto, though.
“Watching the New York ball drop was always one of my favorite things to do as a child. I loved how thousands of people got to stand right in the middle of the city and celebrate a fresh start to a new year of their lives. I also really liked to watch the cameras as they would pan around the crowd after midnight and show all the couples kissing. It seemed so romantic to me,” I said.
“It does seem pretty romantic.”
“Except that it’s so cold there this year. I don’t know if I could stand outside for four hours waiting for that ball to drop. I’d probably rather just get one of those fancy hotel rooms and sit in there naked and watch it.”
“Cassidy!” one of the patients said as he made a dramatic shocked face.
“What? You can’t tell me you’d want to be all dressed up if you were in one of those fancy hotel rooms,” I joked.
“I know I’d be going all natural,” Erik added.
“Thank you. At least someone’s on my side.”
“Oh, it’s getting ready to start. Can I call my husband, please?” Brianna asked.