by Nikki Ash
“This is going to be great. I’ll call you as soon as he leaves. My parents are working late tonight on a case and my brother is spending the night at your house with your brother.”
We get up and head back to our neighborhood, which is right across from the beach. Liz’s house is before mine, so when we approach her house, we hug goodbye and then I walk a little farther down the street to my house. I throw my surfboard onto the sidewall and use the outside shower to rinse the sand and salt off my body before I go inside. Today was a great surfing day.
Once inside, I call Jake to let him know he can come over in an hour. I jump in the shower, shave my legs, and throw on a cute navy blue halter-top and white shorts. I blow dry my naturally blonde hair quickly. It’s naturally straight so I don’t have to do anything else with it.
At exactly five o’clock, Jake knocks on the door and I let him in. I’m not going to lie. I’m nervous about tonight. While we’ve made out like a million times and he’s felt me up plenty of times, we haven’t gone any further. I’m a virgin, and I’m okay with this, because unlike my parent’s beliefs, I believe in love. And Jake is the one.
“Hey, babe. You look hot.” Jake reaches for my waist and pulls me into a kiss. Once the kiss is over, we walk over to the couch and sit.
“So, I’ve been thinking and I’m ready.” He looks confused at first about what I’m referring to, but then his eyes go wide when he realizes what I mean. He doesn’t say anything. He just nods and takes me by my hand, leading me up to my bedroom, clearly not wanting to waste any time. Unlike me, Jake isn’t a virgin. We haven’t really talked about it, but I know he’s been with a couple girls at school. I do know I’m the longest relationship he’s had, which should say something about us.
After he closes the door behind us, he pulls out a condom from his wallet and places it on the bed, giving me a huge smile. He takes his shirt off and then his pants and boxers, while I just stand where I am, staring at him. I’m suddenly completely freaking out on the inside, but I mimic his moves and remove my clothes as well. He takes me by the hand and moves us to the bed.
* * *
“Damn, babe. That was good.” I’m lying on the bed, naked and in pain, next to Jake. I’m not sure why people are so big on sex because Ouch! That shit hurt. Jake clearly enjoyed it based off his noises and grunts and calling out my name at the end, but as for me, no, that was not enjoyable. It felt like it lasted hours, but in reality, it couldn’t have been more than a couple minutes. In my head, I imagined kissing and holding and words of love being whispered, but none of that happened.
I roll over to face Jake, pulling the covers up my body. He smiles at me like he just won the jackpot. It might’ve not been the best sexual experience, but the look on his face is worth it. It must be love. I’m sure over time it will get better.
“Kayla…”
“Jake…”
We both say each other’s names at the same time and laugh.
He tells me to go first, so I do.
“I love you, Jake.”
“Kayla.” He says my name, and I’m waiting for I love you, too to follow but it doesn’t, so I wait for him to say something. He stares at me for a few seconds and then his lips curve down into a frown.
“Kayla, babe. It’s been fun these last few months, but it’s about to be summer. I’m about to go away and you’ll be here.”
“I know, but you’ll be back.” I get this tightening feeling in my stomach, and it feels like I’m going to throw up.
“Look, Kayla, I like you, but we’re young. I’m sorry, but I don’t love you. To be honest, I don’t even want to date anybody this summer. I just want to be single and have fun. You get that, right?”
I can feel the tears welling up, threatening to spill over. If I didn’t know it’s scientifically impossible for the human heart to physically break from somebody’s words, I’d be scared my heart is literally shattering into pieces.
Jake gets up from the bed and puts back on his clothes. He goes to the bathroom to throw the condom away and then comes back into the room. I’m still lying in bed, frozen, unsure of what to do. I just gave this guy my virginity, but more than that, I gave him my heart. I told him I love him and was so sure he felt the same way, when all along he never felt any love toward me at all. Suddenly, my mom’s words come back to slap me right in the face.
He gives me a chaste kiss on my cheek and, before walking away, says, “No hard feelings, Kayla. Seriously, it’s been fun.” And before I can even respond, he’s out the door. I don’t see him out. I don’t lock up the house. I curl up in the fetal position and cry myself to sleep.
I hear my phone going off, and when I look at the clock, I see it’s morning. My body is sore from last night and it reminds me of Jake using me for sex before dumping me. When I glance at the caller ID, I see it’s Liz.
“Hello.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” I’m not ready to share how bad Jake hurt me, even with my best friend. I know I will eventually, but right now I’m too embarrassed.
“Have you been on Myspace? Jake is telling everybody he had sex with you and dumped you.”
“What?” I get out of bed and then remember I fell asleep after crying and never got dressed. I quickly throw on some clothes and then run over to my computer and log into my account. I click on Jake’s name and scroll down his wall, where all the comments are, and sure enough, he’s bragging to his friends that he got in my pants and won a bet.
She finally gave it up.
About time! Took longer than I thought it would.
Was she any good?
Damn, I knew you would get it in before the summer.
“I’ll call you back!” I say before I hang up.
I continue to scroll down the comments and read every nasty thing he wrote about me for everybody on social media to see. I think about everything I thought I felt and everything I thought he felt. It was all a lie. My heart hurts so damn bad. I don’t ever want to feel this way again. If this is love, then I don’t want it. My parents might not hug and kiss all the time, and they’re not exactly what one would call nurturing, but I’ve never seen them cry or get upset. I’ve never seen them in pain or hurt each other the way I’m hurting right now.
While I’m looking over the comments, there’s a quick knock on the door and then my mom walks in.
“Kayla, your dad and I are going to head out…”
I look up at her, and she stops speaking.
“Kayla, what’s the matter?” She comes to my side and kneels next to me, so we’re at eye level. I don’t want to tell her what happened, but I need my mom right now, so I decide to tell her a shortened version of what happened.
“Jake and I broke up and he’s talking crap about me to his friends. Everybody is going to be talking about me at school.”
My mom’s face turns into what looks like a sympathetic frown and I think maybe she’ll comfort me and give me some mom wisdom, but instead she says what I knew all along she would say.
“Kayla, I told you this would happen. I hope you take this as a lesson learned. When you open your heart, you’re going to get heartbroken. Instead, open your mind and be smart about your decisions. At least it happened now instead of years from now when you would’ve had the opportunity to make even worse decisions.”
She looks at my computer screen before I can hide it and she stands straight up, glaring down at me.
“Did you sleep with him, Kayla?”
“Yes, and he’s telling the whole school.”
Of course my mom doesn’t even attempt to sympathize with me in any way.
“That’s great. So, not only did you not listen to me, but you also allowed your ridiculous emotions to tarnish your reputation, as well as your father’s and mine. You know we do business with Jake’s father. Hopefully in the future you’ll think about what happened when you make decisions based on emotions. I swear, Kayla, sometimes you can be so ob
tuse. It’s why you’ll never go to law school. You have to think with your brain and not your fickle emotions.”
“I’m sorry. I thought he loved me,” I say as tears prick my eyes. I have no idea why I’m even trying to defend myself. I hate that I’ve let my mom down and disappointed her once again. I hate that I’m an embarrassment to our family. But what’s even worse is that I hate she was right about love. I wanted so badly to prove her wrong.
“Well now you know the truth. There’s no point in crying over this. Learn from it.” As she turns to walk out of my room, she says, “Your father and I are heading out to get lunch. Would you like anything?”
I shake my head and then she closes the door behind her.
And in this moment, I make a promise to myself to never disappoint my parents again. I’ll never give my mom another reason to say, “I told you so.” The fact is, my mother was right. Love only causes heartbreak and it hurts like a bitch. It’s not concrete. You can’t use it as a stepping stone. I did and look where it got me, tumbling down the stairs headfirst with no one at the bottom to catch me. Fuck that! And fuck love.
I vow to never fall in love again.
One
Kayla
Present Day
Living in Florida has its perks. For one, the sunshine is amazing. It’s February, and in many other states the snow is still coming down, while here in sunny South Florida it’s a beautiful eighty-five degrees. I’m lying on the lounge chair in my bikini, soaking in the sun by the pool. I can smell the ocean breeze in the air, and it’s such a tease. I’m only a few yards away from the beach and that beautiful ocean water, yet I can’t even do what I love, which is surf. I mean I guess I could, but I’m not sure how well that will go over. Surfing requires balance, and now that my belly is beginning to swell, my balance is definitely not what it was before. I look down at my stomach and smile to myself. At only sixteen weeks pregnant, if you didn’t know my condition you’d think I had a few too many beers and fries, but that’s not the case. I rub my belly and take a sip of my orange juice that’s sitting on the deck table next to me.
I’m excited to become a mom. When my best friend, Liz, got pregnant right before our freshman year of college, she couldn’t find the father, and so we worked as a team to raise her daughter, Bella. Because of that, I’m not ignorant to the fact that having a baby isn’t going to be easy, especially since I’ll most likely be raising the baby on my own most of the time. However, unlike the situation Liz was in all those years ago, I’ve since graduated from college and have a degree in physical therapy.
“Kayla, I’m leaving for work. Have you thought more about what you plan to do?”
I look over and see my mom standing just outside the back door.
“I haven’t made any decisions yet.”
“Well, I hope you’ve thought about what we’ve talked about. You can live here as long as you need to, but do you really want to once again raise a baby without a father? There’s nothing wrong with giving the baby up for adoption. Successful men don’t want to be with a woman who has an illegitimate kid in tow.”
“Mom, I want this baby, and I’m not looking for a man anyway, so it doesn’t matter. Plus, Bella does have a father, and Liz and I did just fine before he came back into the picture.”
“You’re never going to learn, Kayla” She sighs. “How many times will you make horrible decisions which require your father and me to help clean up the mess while embarrassing this family?”
“What are you cleaning up? I’m staying here temporarily. You don’t have to do anything.”
“Not yet! Wait until you have to deal with custody and child support. A child is forever, Kayla. Once again you made poor choices out of lust and supposed love, and look where it got you! When will it stop? How many times must we have this conversation? I swear sometimes I don’t even think you are my kid.”
Without waiting for a response, she huffs and walks back inside, closing the sliding glass door behind her, clearly ending the conversation.
I’ve only been living back in Florida for about six weeks, but I know I need to focus on getting a job. I’m fortunate that as a physical therapist there’s quite a few options and I have some amazing references, but I’m not sure what I want to do yet. I liked my old job, but moving was something I had to do. If I’m honest with myself, I haven’t put forth the effort into finding a job because somewhere in the back of my mind I know this isn’t really where I want to live. It’s simply the only option I could think of at the time.
I’m what you would call a runner. Life is good, too good to be true… I run. Life turns to shit, I feel like I can’t handle it… I run. Life gets confusing, I have to make a decision… I run. I’m way better at handling other people’s lives than my own. For the last five years, I’ve focused on Liz and Bella. We both went to school and both took turns caring for her daughter. I used the two of them as an excuse to never date. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my fair share of one-night stands, but I never allowed it to turn into more. I’m not interested in love and it’s not interested in me either.
I’m currently living in my parents’ pool house and it’s okay. I could have gone back to my old room but decided the pool house would give me space from my parents, especially my mom. If I hear her say I told you so one more time I just might kill her. Yes, she was right about Jake all those years ago. Yes, she was right about my current situation. I get it. Everything I do is wrong. I’m a continuing disappointment in my mother’s eyes. Luckily, my parents work a lot and are rarely home, but I still need to get my own place soon. Time is running out and unfortunately, I have nowhere else to run to, so I’m going to have to make a decision. I look out at the crystal-clear pool water and think to myself tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll attempt to get a job. Tomorrow I’ll figure out my living situation. Tomorrow I’ll deal with the reality that I’m pregnant and haven’t told anybody other than my parents. Today, I’ll swim a few laps in the pool. It may not be the ocean or surfing, but at least it’s in the water.
After spending the next thirty minutes swimming laps, I realize it’s lunchtime and decide to go inside the main house and make myself a sandwich. I grab my towel and dry myself off, throw it back on the lounge chair, and then walk inside. I’m thinking a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is sounding really yummy right about now. Ooh! Maybe a peanut butter and jelly with banana… Pregnancy cravings are the weirdest. I watched Liz go through it, but experiencing it firsthand is something else.
I pull all the ingredients out of the cabinets, when I hear the doorbell ring. It’s only noon here, and with my parents at work and my brother at school, I can’t imagine who’d be at the door. As I walk over to answer it, I don’t bother covering myself up. I left my towel outside and whoever is at the door will just have to deal with seeing me in my bikini. Without checking the peephole, I swing the door open and come face-to-face with none other than my best friend, Liz. I don’t know why I didn’t think about this. She told me she was going to be in Miami and begged me to join. I should’ve known she would make a stop to see me. Damn pregnancy brain!
“Holy shit, Kayla! Are you pregnant?” She looks down, and I attempt to cover my protruding belly, but it’s too late. My bikini is as tiny as it gets. Only then do I realize she isn’t alone. The whole damn gang is with her, standing in my parents’ doorway and staring right at my stomach. Liz’s fiancé, Cooper, who owns the gym I used to work at, their daughter, Bella, our friend Hayley, who is the medic at Cooper’s Fight Club, Kaden, the guys’ trainer and friend, and Caleb, who fights for the UFC and is my ex-roommate. But more importantly, who is also standing on my doorstep is Bentley, and on his arm is the bitch he’s dating, Sophia.
For a beat, nobody says anything, and then I remember she asked me a question. Apparently, they’re all waiting for my answer. Although, I’m pretty sure it’s meant as a rhetorical question because anybody who knows me knows my stomach pre-pregnancy was as flat as a board. Not that I do so much to
work out other than surfing, but I’m naturally a tiny woman with amazing genetics and a fast metabolism, standard-sized breasts, small stomach with toned legs and arms from my years of surfing. The only feature of me that contradicts my many years of surfing is my naturally pale skin that never tans. I look at Liz and notice her golden brown tan I’ve always been envious of. The girl doesn’t even like the beach and has beautiful caramel skin. Oh! Did I mention Liz is pregnant too? She looks so adorable with her little belly, and she’s so happy…
The sound of a deep throat clearing causes me to snap out of my internal thoughts, and when I see the look on his face, my skin goose bumps, and not in a good way—more like in a Oh damn, shit is about to get real way.
Bentley steps forward, clearly done with waiting for my verbal confirmation that I am indeed pregnant, and asks the question he wants to know. “Am I the father?”
Don’t worry, it’s not about to get Jerry Springer up in here—hopefully.
Two
Kayla
Six Years Ago
One week in Miami. Need I say more? Liz and I get one week in the hottest, sexiest city in the world to party it up before we’re thrown back into jail, and by jail, I mean school. We have finally graduated high school and do we get a break? Of course not. After our week in Miami, we’ll be moving to Las Vegas, Nevada to attend college at the University of Las Vegas. I know what you’re thinking. How can I complain when I’ll be spending the next four years in Sin City? I get it, I do. But how can I fully experience what Las Vegas has to offer when in two short months I’ll be stuck sitting in college classes, writing essays, and studying for test after test?
On the bright side, I have two months before school begins. Unlike my bookworm best friend who is insisting on taking summer classes, I won’t be starting until the fall, which means parties, guys, and more parties with guys. I’m not sure how many I’ll convince her to go to with me, but the fact that we’re sitting in a resort in Miami, she’s wearing the cute little black dress I bought her without her knowledge, and has agreed to go to a club with me tonight, gives me hope that once we’re in Las Vegas she’ll continue to submit to my best friend charm.