by Nikki Ash
“It’s his word versus mine. And he’s not even alive!”
Gloria’s attorney told her to close her mouth.
“I understand that completely,” Hannah went on. “That’s why the next piece of evidence is absolutely crucial.”
She pressed play on the recording and the room filled with Gloria’s voice as she confessed everything to Caleb’s father, not realizing she was being recorded. I could see the look of horror streak across her face.
The entire room went quiet.
“Would you like a few minutes to speak to your client?” Hannah asked Gloria’s attorney.
“No, there’s no need,” Gloria whispered. She said something to her attorney and then walked out the door.
“My client has decided to drop the lawsuit against your client for the clubs. She waves all rights to anything club related.”
“She never had any rights,” Hannah pointed out with a smug look on her face.
With Gloria’s bullshit behind us, Caleb insisted on immediately flying to Boulder to get the club handled so he could come back home and handle the one closer to us, and this time when he took Marco snowboarding he was able to join him. We all flew out together and spent spring break relaxing and having a good time.
Caleb was able to weed out the people loyal to Gloria, hire new help, and even hire Jacob, a bouncer who’s been there for years and has his business degree as the on-site manager.
Once we returned back home my sister and Gavin got married. They found out they’re having a little girl and are so excited. They found a house right down the street from my place and their offer was accepted last week. They’re having some renovations done to the house first so they won’t be moving in for a couple months but I’m so excited to have my sister as a neighbor.
Now Caleb and I are sitting in the adoption agency at the DCF office. Karen called me in to let me know she has some good news.
“I’m happy to say your adoption request has been approved. You and Marco are scheduled to go before the judge next week to swear you in as his legal guardian.”
“Thank you so much!” I look over to Caleb and see the sad smile he has on his face.
“I know the adoption system frowns upon two people adopting a child when they aren’t together, but do you think there’s any way they could make an exception?”
“Unfortunately the DCF doesn’t do exceptions. If you two were married, you could file the application together, but that would mean starting the entire process over again. The other option is you adopting Marco now and once you two are married Caleb can legally adopt Marco. Since you’ll be his legal guardian you won’t have to go through DCF at that point.”
I hate that I’ll be adopting Marco and Caleb isn’t but she’s right. The second option would be the easiest way to go. I don’t want to start the adoption process over and who knows if or when Caleb and I will be getting married.
“Thank you,” Caleb says and then stands shaking the attorney’s hand.
Our entire ride home is silent. I know that it’s breaking Caleb’s heart not being able to legally adopt Marco right now. He said it was okay before, but now it seems like he has changed his mind. Does he want to be the one to adopt Marco? But if he does and then decides to move out, that would mean he would take Marco with him. I love Marco too much to let him go.
I go to work for the rest of the day and once I get home, Caleb and Marco go to the gym while I make dinner. I take out the pork roast I put to season yesterday, but when the scent hits my nostrils my stomach roils, forcing me to run to the bathroom. I make it to the toilet just in time to throw up everything in my stomach. I seriously hope I’m not getting sick on top of everything else.
After I am done throwing up, I make dinner and then clean up the house a little bit. I can’t get this whole situation off my mind and if I stop moving I know I am going to drive myself nuts.
About an hour later dinner is ready, just as Caleb and Marco walk inside. We eat dinner, take showers, and watch a movie until it’s time for Marco to go to bed. And this is how our routine continues for the next several days: Work, gym, dinner, family time, and bed. Caleb and I share a bed, and every night we make love, but we don’t discuss anything. I’m getting so frustrated and confused and I know it’s only a matter of time until I lose it.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Caleb
Ever since we left the DCF office my thoughts have been running crazy. I know I told Hayley I was okay with her adopting Marco, and I am, but at the same time I hate the fact that they will legally be a family and I won’t be a part of it. What if she decides one day she doesn’t want me in her life? I have no legal claim to see Marco. I would have to walk away without having a say in anything. I hate the feeling of not being in control.
It’s Saturday night and Marco’s just gone to bed when Hayley finally snaps. We’re sitting on the couch with her feet in my lap, watching a TV show.
“Talk to me, Caleb, please.” Hayley’s eyes are filled with tears and I would do anything to stop her from being upset.
“I don’t know what to say, Hayles. I know you adopting Marco alone is the best choice. I just feel left out.” I edge closer to Hayley and, bringing my hand to her thigh, rub up and down her legs hoping to relax her. I hate seeing her so upset and I hate that it’s my insecurities causing it. She jumps slightly at my touch, but then relaxes not saying anything else. I massage the tops of her legs and she moans in appreciation. Sometimes it makes me sick, knowing my expertise of what a woman wants comes from years of being with women unwillingly, but it makes me feel better knowing I can apply those skills to a woman I actually want to be with.
I’m expecting her to argue with me, to want to talk some more, so I’m shocked when she moans out, “Caleb, rub harder.” Something in my brain goes fuzzy, taking me back to an older memory from my past… and this time I can’t seem to shake it off.
“Caleb, I had the hardest workout at the gym today. My muscles are so tight. Rub my body, now.” Gloria lies on her stomach on my bed and I want nothing more than to choke the shit out of her so she’ll disappear from my life, but we both know I’m not really capable of murder. So instead I do as she says. I sit on top of her ass and begin rubbing her shoulders like she has taught me to do.
I move my hands down her back and massage circles into the muscles and then move lower, scooting down to sit on her legs, massaging her ass. Once I get to her thighs, I think she might be asleep until she says, “Caleb, rub harder.” I do as she says and rub harder into her muscles.
She flips over and gives me a devious smirk. “Come back up here. I want a full body massage. Massage my breasts, Caleb.” I do as she demands because what choice do I have? I could tell her no, but then my dad would end up in prison. I continue to massage her body and of course my dick betrays me and gets stiff in my pants. Gloria thinks it gets hard because I want her. I think she has to tell herself that to justify how fucking wrong this is.
Of course she wins and we end up fucking, as I pray to God that I somehow find a way out of this shitty situation.
“Caleb… are you okay?”
My mind snaps back to the present and I realize that while my girlfriend is sitting on the couch next to me wanting me to touch her, I was having a flashback of massaging my stepmom and then fucking her. I look down and see my dick is hard. Bile rises in my throat and I just make it to the bathroom before I throw everything I’ve recently eaten up.
I hear her come up behind me and then her hands touch my shoulders. I know it’s only out of care for me, but I can’t have her touching me with the memories of my stepmom in my head.
“Don’t touch me,” I bark. She removes her hands from me but doesn’t leave the bathroom.
“What’s the matter? Did I do something wrong?” Her voice is so soft and insecure and I know it’s my fault. How do I explain to her that my body is a fucking traitor and gets turned on by the thought of touching my stepmom when it should be soft by the t
hought of it? I shouldn’t have snapped at her, but I can’t stand the idea of her innocent, perfect hands touching me while I’m having sick thoughts. I don’t want her tainted by my shit.
“Caleb, please, talk to me.” I can’t even look at her. I feel gross for even having the flashback. I feel even more disgusting for having the flashback while touching Hayley.
“I’m just not feeling well. I’m going to bed.” I get up from the floor of the bathroom, flush the toilet, and walk by her without making eye contact. Instead of going to the room I’ve been sharing with her, go to mine and shut the door. How could I have ever thought I could live a normal life with a woman? How could I have thought it would be a good idea for me to adopt Marco? My life is tainted. Hayley deserves so much more than this. Marco deserves better than me. Hayley adopting Marco on her own is the way it should be.
And for the first time in weeks I sleep alone in my bedroom without Hayley curled up next to me.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Hayley
I saw the same look on Caleb’s face last night that I saw the first night we made out like teenagers as well as the several nights since then we’ve made love. I don’t know what exactly was going through his head, but I would bet my life it wasn’t something as simple as him not feeling well. It doesn’t go unnoticed the pained look he gives me too often when we’re intimate. He doesn’t realize I notice, but I do. I would bet it has something to do with his past. When he told me not to touch him, I wanted to grab him and pull him closer. I wanted to beg him not to push me away, but what right do I have?
I have to remember that even though Caleb has come a long way these past couple months, and while I know what he’s been through because of the little he’s told me, I’ll never fully understand what goes through his head. The fact that it was bad enough to make him throw up tells me I need to give him space. He doesn’t need me nagging him when he’s got enough of his own shit to deal with. I hated going to bed without him. I hated that once again we didn’t have the necessary conversation we need to have regarding Marco’s adoption.
I drag myself out of bed knowing I’m going to have to face whatever is going on with Caleb head on. After showering, I get dressed and then make my way out to the living room. Marco is watching Sunday morning cartoons as usual and Caleb is on his laptop.
“Morning,” I say, grabbing a cup of coffee.
“Morning,” they both say in unison. I look over Caleb’s shoulder and see the rental ads pulled up. My heart sinks. He’s decided to move out. I guess I know where we stand after all.
“Hey Marco, want to head to the park to go skateboarding?” I need to get out of here and get some fresh air.
“Yes!” he yells, running to his room to get his skateboard.
“Make sure you brush your teeth after you get dressed!” I yell down the hallway. I sip on my coffee and think about how to approach this conversation. I don’t want to fight with Caleb. We’ve never fought before. I want him to open up and talk to me.
“Do you want to come with?” I ask Caleb after a few minutes of silence.
“I can’t. I have some apartments I need to look at.” He says it quietly, so Marco can’t hear, but do you know any kids who don’t have supersonic hearing?
“Why are you going to look at apartments?” Marco asks, coming around the corner dressed and with his skateboard in his hand.
“Marco, I think we should talk,” Caleb says solemnly. “When I moved in here with Hayley and you it was never to be forever. I was hurt and couldn’t walk up the stairs. But I’m better now so I have to find my own place.”
Huh. That’s ironic considering he told me he was mine and wasn’t going anywhere, ever. I guess ever was a lot shorter than I thought.
Marco looks absolutely crushed and for the first time I understand what parents mean when they say they want to shelter their children from all possibilities of being hurt. “You don’t want to live with us?”
I should probably jump in and help Caleb, but I feel the same way as Marco.
“It’s not that… this isn’t my home. This is your home and Hayley’s home.”
“But you said you were together… Plus,” Marco adds without waiting for an answer, “Hayley has been really scared about the people leaving the threats. You can’t leave us. Please.”
Oh damn… how will Caleb react to that? I keep my mouth shut. Caleb looks at me, begging for help and I just raise my brows in defiance. He’s choosing this, not me. I’m certainly not going to help him push us away and run.
He sighs. “How about I look at a couple apartments, but I’ll wait to move until I know you’re both safe? I’ll wait to move until after the trials are over.”
Marco doesn’t seem satisfied by the answer but nods anyway. Caleb gives him a hug goodbye and leaves without saying a word to me. Something in me snaps and I send him a text without thinking too hard about it.
Me: If you want to be a coward and leave… fine! But you are choosing this. I don’t even know what I did wrong… I deserve better than this.
A few minutes later I get a text back.
Caleb: You do deserve better. I’m sorry.
He’s sorry? Seriously? That’s all he has to say… well fuck him then! I’m not going to get run all over because of his past while he doesn’t even give me a chance to be there for him.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Caleb
I look at three different apartments and every single one I compare to Hayley’s home. None of them feel right. Sure, they’re nice as hell—the money my dad left me means I can pretty much rent or buy anywhere I want. The apartments I looked at have enough square footage to fit Hayley’s house inside the kitchen alone. They have state-of-the art appliances, and one of them even comes furnished. No, the problem isn’t the apartments themselves. The problem is none of them include Hayley and Marco. There’s not a single item money could buy that would compare to what it feels like being with Hayley and Marco. If only it were that easy.
Now I’m at the bar drinking away my sorrows that I’ve created myself.
“Another one?” the bartender asks with a wink, letting me know if I wanted to I could take her into a bathroom and fuck her right there on the sink. The thought makes me feel sick. The only woman I want touching me is Hayley.
“No, thank you. Just a water please.”
“Sure thing,” she says with another flirtatious wink.
I don’t even know how long I sit at the bar thinking, but my mind goes to the last couple months and how happy Hayley has made me. I realize for the last seven years I’ve been doing nothing more than simply surviving. But the day Hayley brought me to her house I finally started living. And what do I do when shit gets rough? I push her away, when the truth is, I should’ve pulled her closer. I should have explained to her how I’ve been feeling. I’m so hell bent on trust being so important, yet I didn’t even give Hayley a chance to prove I could trust her. I tell her I would love to have a baby with her, yet I haven’t even told her how much I love her, how much she means to me. I want to adopt Marco and instead of asking her to marry me so we can do it together, I get upset and run away.
I look around the bar and wonder what the hell I’m doing here when every single solution to my problems lies within two people and both of them are at home.
When I arrive at the house, I notice Hayley’s car isn’t in the driveway. I look at my cellphone and see it’s after two in the morning. Where the hell could she be at this time of the night…well, morning…
I unlock the door and walk through the entire house. Nobody is here. The lights are all off and the beds are still made from this morning. I pull out my cell phone again and pull up the tracking app I set up for Hayley months ago. It shows about an hour ago she was in Marco’s old neighborhood. I hit update, but it says her phone is offline. I try again, but it doesn’t update. Why the hell is she in that shitty neighborhood?
I dial her number, my hands shaking. I have the worst f
eeling in my gut, but I’m refusing to think it out loud. Her phone goes to voicemail and I start to freak out.
I pull back up the app and click Marco’s name. It shows he’s here in the house. I run to his room and see his phone sitting on the desk in his room. Fuck!
I try Hayley’s number once more, but it goes to voicemail. I send a group text to all the guys, asking any of them if they’ve seen or heard from Hayley. I know she went to the park with Marco today, but she should have been home by now. I call the number on the card to speak to the detective in charge of my case.
“Detective Bradley, this is Caleb. Hayley and Marco are both missing. I don’t think it’s a coincidence she received several threats and now I can’t find them. Hayley’s phone last showed her in Marco’s old neighborhood before it was turned off.”
“Okay, Caleb. We’ll head over there now to check things out.”
“Thank you, sir.”
I should wait for the police to see what they can find, but I can’t just sit and do nothing. I grab the gun from the lock box I purchased a while back when the guys and I used to frequent the shooting range for fun. After I got approved for my concealed weapons permit, I purchased a Smith & Wesson .40. I keep it locked up and out of Marco’s reach with the ammunition separate, but it makes me feel better knowing I’m prepared in case anything happens, especially with Hayley feeling like she’s being watched and all the threats we’ve received. I put the gun into the front of my pants and grab my keys, jump into my truck and head to Marco’s old neighborhood. If the app is correct she was somewhere around the industrial building near where I saw Marco meet Hector and Santos to exchange money that day I was following him.