Another moment passed, and then the stall lock squeaked and the door opened with a creak. “Why were you kissing Katie, Mommy?” she asked, tears dripping down her cheeks.
Oh, fuck, she was so upset. I needed to sweep her into my arms and make everything better—but when I went to hold her, she edged away.
“Sweetheart, Katie and I have been dating. I know it’s a surprise for you. It was a surprise for me, too. But we really like each other, and we just wanted to be sure about each other before we told you.”
Her tears flowed even more freely. Her nose was turning red, and her face had crumpled. She opened and closed her mouth, then shook her head.
“I’m sorry to upset you,” I said as my heart ripped in two. “I promise, I was only trying to do what was best for you. That’s all I ever wanted, for you to be happy.”
“I’m not happy.” Turning heel, she fled the bathroom.
As she left, Katie appeared in the doorway. Her face was concerned, sympathetic, and not at all what I wanted to see right now.
“I heard what Emma said,” she said. “Can I—”
“You can’t do anything for me right now.” I pushed past her without a second glance.
Twenty-Two – Katie
Well, that hot moment had gone to shit at record speed. After being brushed off by Sarah, I made my way back to the set. Jim gave me a funny look, and I realized my hair was still mussed. I’d probably ruined my make-up, too. The estheticians were going to kill me.
“What are we doing now?” I asked.
“We were about to film the long shot of Emma’s death, and then we lost our lead actress.” He glared at me.
“Oh God, I’m sorry.”
“And now Emma’s a mess, which means we won’t be able to keep filming, so we’re about to be a day behind schedule.”
He’d already seen her? I looked around frantically. There, at the exit, Sarah was ushering Emma off the set. Both of their shoulders were slumped, and Emma’s face was still red and teary.
“Can’t you keep filming the close-ups without her?” I asked.
“Some.” He continued giving me a stern look as he dropped his voice. “I wouldn’t have thought I needed to make it clear that on-set relationships are a bad idea, Katie. This was your first big role in years. I did you a favor by offering it to you, and this is how you repay me?”
My heart was in my throat. “I’m sorry. I never thought anyone would find out.”
“It’s not just this, either.” His eyes darkened. “Showing up late or hungover, failing to memorize your lines… I’m tired of you acting like a diva.”
Fuck, I hadn’t thought I could feel any worse. Jim was right—I’d been an asshole since day one. “I’m sorry,” I whispered, my throat tight.
He pursed his lips. “Go home. Come back with a better attitude tomorrow.” I turned to move, and he gently touched my shoulder. “You’re a great actress, Katie. I’m just trying to make the best show I possibly can, and you’re a part of that—but sometimes you need to take a good, hard look at your behavior.”
Nodding, I headed out to the parking lot. Jim wanted what was best for the show, Sarah wanted what was best for Emma… What about what was best for me? Who cared about that? I seemed to be the only one—but the bigger problem was that I had no idea what was best for me.
My heart grew heavier as I saw Sarah getting into her car. “Wait!” I called, dashing up to her.
Emma was already inside, and she gave me a dirty look through the window before slouching down in her seat. God, I’d been the recipient of more dirty looks today than I would’ve liked to receive in my entire life.
“What?” Sarah asked curtly.
“I-I just wanted to see you,” I stuttered. “To apologize again… Maybe we could meet up tonight and talk about where to go from here.”
Her eyes flashed. “Emma has her dance class tonight. Something you clearly don’t care enough to remember.”
Oh fuck, she hated me now. “I just forgot.”
“That’s the thing about being a parent. I can’t forget things like that.”
“Okay, I’ll try harder from now on. I promise.”
“That’s not going to be good enough, Katie.” Her eyes were just sad now. “Look, this has been fun, but—”
“Don’t say you’re breaking up with me. Just don’t.”
“I don’t have a choice.” She glanced at Emma, then back to me. “You said we should talk about where to go from here. The answer is nowhere. There’s no future for us. I shouldn’t be dating at all until Emma is much older, maybe eighteen.”
My stomach churned. That was ten years from now. “But Sarah, I really care about you. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I don’t think you understand—”
Emma knocked on the car window from the inside. “Mommy, I want to go.”
“I’m coming, sweetie.” Sarah turned back to me. “We only have two more days on-set, and then you won’t have to see me again. Things’ll be better this way, I swear.”
“No, they won’t.” My voice cracked. I was on the verge of breaking down.
She patted me on the back, lightly and far too briefly. “I gotta go.”
I wasn’t ready for her to go. I’d never be ready.
But she got in her car and drove away, not even looking back.
*
At home, I lay in bed, unable to stop crying. Every time I managed to stop, a few minutes would pass and I’d start thinking I was doing better. Then a thought or memory would come into my mind, and I’d dissolve again in a fresh wave of tears.
My pillow was soaked. I turned it over to discover the other side was just as wet. Throwing it across the room, I grabbed another and pressed my face into the fluffy comfort.
It was funny, wasn’t it? All the money in the world, and I couldn’t buy a single thing that’d make me feel better. I could order whatever food I wanted straight to my door, but I didn’t want to eat. I could get on Tinder and practically order a pretty girl to my door, but I didn’t want that, either. The only girl I wanted was Sarah.
How had she done this to me? I’d never let a woman get under my skin like this. I shouldn’t have been bothered by her ending things. Ninety percent of the time, I was the one to end them, and the other times, I didn’t even mind. All of my relationships had been shallow and temporary—until now.
It wasn’t just her I was missing, either. It was the future I’d dreamed for both of us—which included Emma. I’d started to like the idea of being a stepparent. In fact, I’d fallen in love with it.
I wanted the kind of life Sarah had, with a child and a family. I wanted the maturity that came from being responsible for someone smaller and more vulnerable than I was. I was tired of drinking and partying and meaningless sex—I’d been tired of it for so long. I was ready to settle down and be someone more like the character I played on TV.
The realization left me breathless, and my tears paused as I tried to come to terms with it. If I wanted to be a mother, I could make that happen. Sperm donation was a possibility, and so was adoption, although I didn’t know if the agencies looked favorably at young single women.
Was I the right kind of person to become a parent, though? I’d messed up so many times with Emma, and she was someone else’s child. What if I wasn’t meant to have a child? I’d probably mess that kid up worse than my mom did to me. What if drinking and sex were all I was good for?
I tossed and turned, getting tangled in the sheets as I tried and failed to calm my mind. I had to tell Sarah about my epiphany—but she didn’t want to hear from me. I’d have to win her over on set, but she’d only be there for two more days, and I’d risk pissing off Jim.
What was I supposed to do? There didn’t seem to be a good option.
I settled finally into a deep, troubled sleep.
Twenty-Three – Sarah
What were you supposed to do when your eight-year-old child discovered your new relationship in the worst possibl
e way? Since no parenting book I’d ever read had covered the topic, I figured I’d go with the old standard of taking her for ice cream.
“I want Rocky Road,” Emma said, pointing at a tub behind the glass. “And cookies and cream. And strawberry-chocolate.”
“You’d better decide which one you want, little miss,” the worker said. “I don’t think your mom’s going to get you all three.” She winked at me.
“Actually, it’s fine. All three in a cup for her, and—screw it—I’ll take a chocolate-vanilla swirl, too.”
I didn’t even look at the total on the card machine as I paid. My head was pounding, and all I wanted to do was go home. Unfortunately, Emma and I needed to have an important discussion first.
We sat down at a patio table, and I let her take a few bites before launching into things. “Listen, I want you to know I never would’ve started anything with Katie if I knew you’d have a hard time with it. And now that I know, I’ve broken things off with her.”
Emma looked at me in surprise. “You broke up?”
“Yes. You’re my absolute number one priority in life, and it’s going to stay that way.” I shifted my ice cream cone from one hand to the other.
“But Naomi’s dead.”
“What? Who?” It took me a minute to realize she was talking about her character on the show. “So what?”
“I don’t want her to be dead, Mommy. Can they change it? I don’t want to go back to school.”
Sometimes Emma did this—changed the subject entirely, out of absolutely nowhere. Usually it was safe to assume she hadn’t been paying attention to the first topic, and the new one was what’d been on her mind the whole time.
But… “You’re upset about the show?” I asked. “Not about Katie?”
She twisted up her face and shrugged. “Katie’s nice. I like Katie.”
That was how I thought she felt at this point, and now I was getting more and more confused. “So why were you crying like that?”
“I don’t know.”
Of course she didn’t. She was eight—she didn’t have the capacity to self-reflect like that. “Maybe you were having a hard time filming the scene where you’re dead,” I suggested. “Or maybe it’s the idea of not being an actor anymore and having to go back to school.”
Another shrug. “Maybe.”
“And you were sad that your character wasn’t the killer?”
That got a small smile out of her. “Kind of.”
My head spun as I took a lick of my ice cream. So Emma wasn’t opposed to me dating after all. Then again, her personal opinion wasn’t the problem, was it? I’d been giving her less time and attention ever since I started seeing Katie. I’d skipped so many lunches when I could’ve been with her, and that one time, I’d been late picking her up.
My priorities had changed since Katie had come into my life, and not in a good way.
So whether Emma liked Katie or not was irrelevant.
I still couldn’t be with her.
*
The next day dragged on and on. I stayed in the boardroom transcribing when Emma wasn’t filming her scenes, and when she was, I stood as far off to the side as I could, trying not to get in anyone’s way—particularly Katie’s.
I sat in on her lessons with Laura, which went about as well as I would’ve expected. Emma was hyper and didn’t want to sit still, focusing more on the actors around her and her excitement at seeing her friends at school again.
I stayed as far away from Katie as I could, practically running in the other direction whenever I saw her. She kept her distance, too. She seemed quieter than usual, and when I did see her, she always looked serious and pensive.
It wasn’t as if I’d tried to hurt her. I was sure the break-up had hurt me more, anyway. She’d go back to her glamorous life of celebrity parties and no responsibilities, while I’d go back to eight-year-old play dates and PTA meetings. There was no comparison.
On Friday, she caught my eye just before lunch. I quickly looked away. Emma and Laura were going into the boardroom to study, and I went along with them. Katie left us alone.
When the day was over, everyone wanted to say goodbye to Emma. All of the actors but Katie crowded around her, all coming together to squeeze both of us in a group hug. The camera operators were right behind them, one giving Emma a self-conscious handshake, another punching her lightly on the shoulder.
Next up was Jim. “It’s been a huge honor to have you on the show,” he said seriously. “You’ve done a fantastic job, truly fantastic.”
Emma seemed intimidated to respond, so I nudged her. “What do we say, sweetie?”
“Thank you,” she whispered.
Jim patted my arm. “She’s done great, Sarah. I really think you could have a star on your hands, if you choose to go that route. She’s extremely talented, and she has everything it takes to hit big.”
“We’ll see how things go, I guess.”
I should’ve been enjoying the praise, but my mind was elsewhere. Where was Katie? I would’ve thought she’d say goodbye—to Emma, if not to me. Then again, I’d been harsh on her last time we’d spoken. In her shoes, I wouldn’t have said goodbye to either of us.
I did need to see her to figure out a repayment plan for the loan she’d given me. She hadn’t brought it up, and someone else might’ve taken the money and run, but that wasn’t me. I didn’t need or want hand-outs.
“I’ve seen how hard you’ve been working these past few months,” Jim said, bringing my attention back to him. “Being here for Emma, doing your own work, and even tutoring her… It’s impressive, really. She couldn’t have a more dedicated parent.”
“Thanks,” I said. “That means a lot to me.”
It was nice of him, even if he was wrong. He hadn’t seen what went on behind the scenes—the way I’d practically forgotten Emma as soon as I started seeing someone.
With one last handshake, I said goodbye. Putting a hand on Emma’s shoulder, I took her out to the parking lot. Reflexively, I glanced at the spot where Katie always parked. Her car was still there, but she was nowhere to be seen.
I opened the car and Emma hopped in, but as soon as I got behind the wheel, I noticed she was frowning.
“Where’s Katie?” she asked. “I didn’t get to say goodbye.”
I cringed. “I don’t know, sweetie. She could be anywhere.”
“She doesn’t want to say bye?”
I let out a sigh. Emma was hurt, again, and again it was my fault. “Let me give her a call and see if she’s around.”
Katie picked up on the first ring, and when I explained the situation, she emerged from the building less than a minute later.
Emma jumped out of the car and ran to her, jumping onto her for a hug. Her behavior had me baffled when I remembered her tears from yesterday… but then eight-year-olds weren’t known for being the most consistent.
“Everybody else said bye but you,” she said, holding onto Katie’s waist. “I’m going to miss you!”
Katie looked at me, then immediately looked away, as if she hadn’t meant to at all. Keeping her eyes on Emma, she said, “I’ll see you again sometime. There’ll be talk shows, promotional shoots… and maybe we’ll accept our award together at the Emmys.”
“Yeah!” Emma let go. “Now you can talk to Mommy.” She got in the car again, apparently satisfied with herself.
I approached Katie slowly, shielding my eyes from the sun—or from the beauty of her face. “Sorry about that,” I said. “I don’t know what got into her.”
“That’s fine.”
The silence between us was awkward. Things used to flow so smoothly between us—we were always so comfortable together.
I bit my lip. “So, about the loan, I’ll repay you in a few months.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“I insist.”
“I don’t give a fuck about the money.” Her tone made me look her in the eye, and all I saw there was pain. “You really haven�
�t thought any more about us?” she whispered. “Emma doesn’t hate me anymore, but you do?”
“It’s not that I hate you,” I said. “I just—this was never going to work, okay? We’re from two different worlds. How did you see this going? Do you really see yourself walking down a red carpet with this frumpy older woman? What do you think the tabloids would have to say about us?”
She grabbed my arm, then looked at her hand in surprise as if it’d acted all on its own. “I don’t care what anyone says. They can think what they want. They don’t know what’s between me and you.”
“And what is between us?” I asked. “You haven’t even been in a relationship before. Now you want to be another mother to my child?”
Her hand dropped, and she lowered her gaze. “I’d like to,” she said softly. “Or at least let me try.”
I wanted to say yes, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.
“Tell me you don’t care about me,” she said. “Tell me you don’t want to be with me. Just say it, and I’ll let this whole thing go. But if there is a chance…”
My heart seized up, my stomach in knots. “There’s no chance.” I was lying—I wanted to be with her desperately—but how could I tell the truth? I had to put Emma first. Always. And if I was to be with her, I’d be doing the opposite.
I’d told her before that if I had to choose between her and Emma, I’d choose my daughter. Now I was doing that. As much as it hurt, I had to stick to my decision.
Katie’s lips pinched, and I could’ve sworn I saw a tear in her eye. “Then goodbye, Sarah.”
And she was gone.
Twenty-Four – Katie
“It’s snowing again,” Aaron said.
“How can you even tell?” I was slumped against the on-set kitchen island. Aaron was tied up by the opposite wall, Cole a few feet away from him.
“Look at the window.” Aaron gestured with his head. “You can see snowflakes falling and covering that one inch of sunlight.”
“Oh.” In reality, there was nothing outside the fake window. The special effects people would fill it in later with CGI.
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