‘Grazie,’ she says. ‘For this week, for this wedding. You have been the most incredible son, the most incredible big brother to Dani and you would have made your father proud...so proud.’
I feel her fingers tremble against my cheeks and I can’t answer her. My voice is trapped in the tightness of my chest.
‘I want you to know that Giovanni and I...’
Her voice trails off as her eyes probe mine, looking for encouragement, perhaps. Encouragement that I’m happy to give.
‘It’s okay, Mamma. I understand and I want you to be happy. It’s all Dani and I could want for you.’
Her eyes spill over, the tears trailing down her cheeks as her fingers tremble more. ‘Grazie, figliolo. Grazie.’
I sense movement to our left and look to see Faye turning away. ‘Faye!’
She stops and turns to us, her smile apologetic.
I look back to my mother and she is smiling all the more now. ‘I want you to be happy too, Rafael. Go. Speak to Faye.’
Her eyes are all-knowing, and I frown as it puts the fear of God in me. I’m not about to... Does she think I’m...?
It doesn’t matter what she thinks. Just speak to Faye and say what you planned to say.
Which is what, exactly?
* * *
I wait for Rafael to catch me up. Yes, I left in the middle of the night—or the early hours of the morning, depending on how you want to look at it—but I didn’t want this conversation. I didn’t want to succumb to the inner pressure that’s begging me to ask for more. Because how much more can this man truly offer?
I’m not so deluded as to think myself capable of changing him. I’m better to cut my losses and run.
‘Hi,’ I manage to say calmly.
‘Morning. You left before...’
My eyes lift to his and I see the hesitancy in his expression. My stomach flutters, my heart too, every bit of me so attuned to him and his alien uncertainty.
‘I was... I was trying to make goodbye easier.’
‘By leaving before we could talk?’
I frown at him. What is there to say other than what we already know: that this is over? And I know we can’t have this conversation in the middle of the entrance hall. I move into a side room that looks as though it was once a library and hear him follow.
‘I wanted to leave on a high.’ I try to sound cheerful as I turn to face him. ‘It was a fabulous day, and a perfect night! We don’t need to spoil it with...’
My nonchalant shrug fails miserably and he reaches out, his hand gentle on my arm.
‘Then let’s not spoil it with goodbye.’
I laugh breathlessly. ‘It is goodbye, Rafael. I fly back to England today and you go back to your life, wherever that may take you.’
‘You could stay longer; you could stay here with me. I’d like it if you stayed.’
My heart races in my chest, too excited, too hopeful.
‘You’d like me to stay?’
He nods swiftly.
‘In your Tuscan castle, just me and you?’
‘Si, cara mia.’ He is so sincere. ‘I want you to stay with me, Faye.’
‘And in a month or two?’ I force myself to ask. ‘What then?’
He frowns, pales even.
‘And a year? What then, Rafael?’
His frown deepens. ‘Don’t push me, Faye.’
‘Don’t push you for more?’ My eyes widen, pressing him to admit what he cannot give. Pressing him to admit what I need to hear.
‘I want you to stay.’
‘And I want you to commit to more.’
He shakes his head.
‘Why didn’t you want Dani and Tyler to marry?’
‘What’s that got to do—?’
‘Just tell me. It’s quite clear how much they love one another.’
‘You know why.’ He studies me intently as his shoulders sag and his hand falls away to rake through his hair. ‘Why do we have to discuss it?’
‘I want you to explain it to me. I want to hear it from you.’
He eyes me carefully and eventually speaks. ‘I’ve told you before. Love isn’t something you can control. It doesn’t guarantee you happiness. It isn’t a certainty. And, when it’s taken from you, it has the power to ruin you, to destroy you and make you...make you bitter, twisted, lost...’
‘Like your mother was?’
He swallows. ‘Si.’
‘And now? Do you still feel the same after seeing your mother with Giovanni? After seeing Tyler and Dani so happy? Your cousin, Sienna, with Lorenzo?’
He’s silent and I smile. But it is a sad smile. Regretful. ‘It’s okay, Rafael, I understand. I just needed to hear you say it.’
‘I don’t want to be that weak, Faye.’ He stresses the words. ‘Never that weak.’
I place my palm on his chest, both sympathetic and distraught in one. ‘I do understand.’
I kiss him because I can’t help myself, because I can’t walk away without feeling his lips on mine once more. As I drop back, I bite back the tears to say, ‘But please understand that I can’t continue this. I have to go back to my life. It’s better for us both.’
‘I’m not asking for a lifetime, just a week or two or...’
My sad smile grows. ‘That’s just the thing, Rafael. I’d gladly give you a lifetime. I’d lo—’
‘What the hell?’
The exclamation comes from the open doorway.
Dani.
Shit.
* * *
‘I knew it! Cazzo se lo sapevo!’
My sister is steaming, shoving her sunglasses back from her eyes and storming into the room, slamming the door closed behind her.
‘How could you, Rafael? How the fuck could you?’
‘Calm down, Dani. It’s okay,’ Faye rushes out, turning away from me, a panicked hand raised up to ward Dani off.
‘It’s not fucking okay, Faye. You promised, Raf!’ She focuses her anger wholly on me, where it belongs, where I would gladly take it, if not for Faye still in the room.
‘Dani, you need to calm down,’ Faye says, still defending me.
‘Don’t tell me to calm down. You don’t understand.’
‘What don’t I understand?’ Faye steps between us. ‘You were all up for me having a little fun this week.’
‘With Dante, yes!’ she throws at Faye, as if it explains it all. ’But you know where you stand with him, not Raf.’ She flings a hand at me ‘He’s complicated, so deep and contradictory, so loving, so...so... Oh, God, Faye!’
She spins back to look at me and I’m motionless. My gut isn’t though; it twists and rolls.
‘He’ll make you think he can love you,’ she continues, ‘because how could he not? When he plays the perfect big brother, the fixer, how can he not be capable of falling in love himself?’
‘I know all this, Dani,’ Faye says quietly from behind her.
‘Do you?’ Dani flings back at her, desperate, panicked. ‘Because the look on your face tells me differently. The look on your face tells me you’ve fallen for him, Faye. It’s as obvious as your pain.’
Slowly Faye looks from Dani to me and inside my heart tears in two.
‘Tell me I’m wrong, fratello,’ Dani pleads softly. ‘Tell her I’m wrong. Tell me that you can love her, that you will do right by her?’
I can’t breathe. I can’t speak. The crushing force on my chest is crippling.
‘I don’t need him to say any of that, Dani.’
Faye’s desperate attempt to rescue me makes it worse. So much worse.
‘Don’t you?’ Her eyes spear Faye now and the door opens behind her. Tyler peers inside, hesitant, concerned.
‘Babe?’ He scans the room, his eyes settling on Dani. ‘The car is here to take us to the a
irport.’
Dani just stands there, her eyes shifting to me, torn, angry.
‘It’s okay.’ Faye reaches out for Dani. ‘You need to go. Everything is fine here, I promise.’
She pulls her into a hug and Dani looks at me over her shoulder. ‘How could you?’
‘I’m sorry,’ I try. ‘It wasn’t planned. I didn’t...’
I flounder because what can I say? There’s no excuse I can give her that’ll make this all right.
‘Go,’ Faye softly urges. ‘Have a fabulous honeymoon and we’ll catch up when you return and all this... It’ll be forgotten.’
My sister squeezes her eyes shut. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Stop it.’ Faye gently pushes her away and Dani hesitates before striding up to me. She pulls me into a tight hug, her whisper for my ears only.
‘Do the right thing, fratello, please.’
I don’t even know what the right thing is, not any more, but I nod and watch her leave.
‘I should go too,’ Faye says into the sudden silence and my eyes snap to her.
‘No! Please...reconsider?’
She looks at me as if I’m crazy. ‘You still want to ask that of me?’
‘It’s out there now. Dani knows; we can be honest, open. Spend some real time together.’
‘Having fun?’
‘Yes,’ I say, quietly hopeful, desperate. ‘We work well together, we have fun—more fun than I’ve ever had with any other woman—and I... I’m not ready to pass this up.’
She laughs softly. ‘I am, though, Rafael. I’m ready. I want more, so much more than you can give. I want to find a man who can love me as I love him.’
‘Love...’ Nausea swells and I have to swallow ‘Why does it have to be about love? Why can’t it be about fun? About great sex?’
‘Sex isn’t the be all and end all.’
‘Okay, a relationship, then. We can be exclusive, a couple, until...’
‘Until what?’
I can’t put words to it.
‘Until this chemistry fizzles out, right?’
‘Yes.’ It’s awkward. A strange confirmation when it’s something I can never imagine happening. But it will do. It must do. ‘I don’t know. I just know I’m not ready to end this now.’
‘And, like I said, I am ready.’ There’s a strength to her now, a resolve that scares me. ‘The longer this goes on for, the closer I come to...the closer I come to falling head over heels for you, Rafael. And I know you never promised me anything, that it was just a bit of fun, but I’m afraid my heart didn’t get the memo.’
She’s already walking to do the door.
‘Faye!’
She turns to look at me, eyebrows raised. ‘What? Are you going to tell me that you’re falling for me too? Are you going to tell me that Dani’s wrong about you? That you were wrong and that you do want more?’
Silence. Save for the rush of blood whirring in my ears, my pulse surging with my rising panic, my legs weighed down like lead.
‘Goodbye, Rafael.’ Her voice is so quiet. ‘Thank you for the heavenly week. No regrets, si?’
And then she’s gone and I’m alone, more alone than I’ve ever felt before.
I stare at the open doorway, hear her footsteps becoming ever more distant, and I know I can’t run after her. Because what can I say? I’m a changed man? I do want more? I want it all?
I leave the castle before the temptation to do it wins out. I don’t return until nightfall, until I know she’s long gone, and the risk of feeding her a pack of lies to get what I want is gone.
But I’m in hell. Miserable. Lost. Grieving. Not even the grappa I’ve consumed can numb the pain.
* * *
I’m still like it a week later, when the wedding feels like a distant memory and the castle is empty save for Mamma and Giovanni, who extended their visit at my invitation. It’s a selfish gesture because I hoped they would be a distraction, a way to get over the mess in my head, in my heart, and move on.
It doesn’t succeed. Not them, not work, nothing.
It’s Saturday night, exactly seven days since she left, and I find myself back in the library. I’m lying on the divan, staring at the spot on which she stood, when she told me she couldn’t stay, that she couldn’t stay and not fall for me. Fall in love. After one week.
It’s not possible. She’s not. I’m not.
No.
But the pain, the emptiness deep down inside...
I fall asleep staring, remembering, hurting.
‘Rafael! Rafael!’ I wake with a start, the hand that’s shaking me sending pain ricocheting through my skull—the delayed gift of grappa.
‘What? What?’ I focus through the haze to see my mother staring down at me.
‘I brought you a cappuccino. You look like you need it.’
I catch a waft of it on the air and it wakes up my sluggish senses. I grumble a thank you and push myself up to sitting, reaching for the cup. I breathe the scent in and feel my mother’s eyes on me.
‘What is it?’
‘Dani called me,’ she says softly. ‘She’s worried about you.’
‘I think she’s more worried about Faye.’
‘She’s worried about the two of you.’
I take a sip of the coffee, appreciating its familiar taste, the hit of caffeine.
‘She also suggested we talk. About the past, not just Faye.’
I look at my mother and my conversations with Faye come back to me—her gentle encouragement to do just this, her crystal blue eyes warm with her compassion, her understanding... My throat closes over. I miss her. I miss her so goddamned much.
‘Let me shower.’ It’s gruff, my voice unrecognisable even to me. ‘Then we’ll talk.’
‘Bene.’
And maybe, just maybe, I can make sense of the way I feel because one thing’s for sure: I can’t go on like this. I can’t.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
IT’S BEEN TWO weeks since I returned from Tuscany. Two weeks, and I’m walking through life like a zombie. If I don’t pull myself together soon, I’m going to have bigger things to worry about than a broken heart. The career I worked so hard for will be on the line.
Last week I slept through my alarm and missed the start of a crucial debrief. Yesterday I managed to present the sales and marketing strategy for the coming year wearing my blouse inside out, and today the CEO pulled me aside with a very concerned frown and asked if I was okay, suggested I should maybe take another holiday, in the hope I’d come back like me again.
I cringe even now as I sit on my sofa and stuff another spoonful of ice cream into my mouth, trying to forget. But even dreamy cookies and cream has lost its ability to make everything feel okay.
This whole situation is ridiculous. I knew him for one week. One week. And now my entire life has been turned on its head. Even my house is starting to look as though it’s been taken over by a bunch of youths who don’t know how to clean up after themselves.
This isn’t me. It’s not.
I stare at the half-empty pizza box and the greasy slices I couldn’t bring myself to finish and realise the truth. It is me. And I did fall in love. I do have a broken heart.
But...
I had an incredible week. My eyes were opened wide to the passion that’s possible with the right man. And Rafael was almost that man. Almost.
And if I had my time over, I’d do it all again. Even with the pain of now.
I slap the lid back on the ice-cream carton and head to the kitchen. No more feeling sorry for myself. I need to get back in control of my life, my heart, the whole damn lot.
The doorbell goes, as though rejoicing with me, and I check the time. It’s nine in the evening. Who could possibly want to call by at such a late hour? Dad wouldn’t. My friends would text first. Cold caller? Th
is late?
It rings again and I’m already walking towards it, ice-cream pot still in hand as I pull the door open with the other. I blink. Blink again. It can’t be... It can’t...
‘Rafael?’
He’s as grey as the rainy backdrop of Chelsea behind him, water beading in his hair, on his lashes, but it’s him—definitely him.
‘Faye.’ His eyes flicker as he sucks in a breath and wets his lips. ‘Can I come in, please?’
I lower my gaze and step back, opening the door wider, but I can’t find my voice, can’t even breathe as he enters and his scent engulfs me. I count to three. There are so many thoughts racing through my brain, so many possibilities. Is he here to apologise or is it something more? I don’t dare let the hope take hold, not again.
‘Faye.’ He sounds as if he’s talked himself hoarse, the rasp in his voice making it barely recognisable. I feel his hand on my shoulder and I duck away, turning to face him, my eyes wide.
‘Please, don’t touch me.’ I can’t stand the contact after two weeks of nothing, no call, no message, no email even. Just something, anything, to tell me I wasn’t alone in my suffering.
‘Sorry.’ He pockets his hands deep within his designer coat and his throat bobs; the lines bracketing his mouth deepen. He looks so grey beneath the deep bronze of his skin, and now he’s up close I can see those dark smudges under his eyes. He looks...broken.
I walk round him to the kitchen and throw the ice cream in the bin. It’s past saving now and I need something stronger. I reach for the wine I opened earlier and pour myself a glass.
‘Would you like one?’ I’m on autopilot now. ‘It’s nothing like the Chianti on your estate but it’s pleasant enough.’
He’s watching me. I feel his eyes burning into my back, provoking every nerve, but he says nothing. Nothing at all.
‘You need to speak, Rafael!’ I crack, spinning to face him. ‘You came here to talk to me, for Christ’s sake, so speak! I’m many things but I’m not a mind reader!’
His eyes widen and his voice breaks. ‘I’m sorry.’
Our Little Secret Page 16