by Jodie Larson
He strokes my cheek, forcing me to tilt my head up slightly to his. “You know you make me so happy Tessa. There’s not a moment of this past week that I would change.”
His blue eyes sparkle and I fight the urge to break down and cry, mourning the loss of something that hasn’t even happened yet. For now I’m here and so is he. For now I’m in his arms. That should be enough. But it’s not. I’m addicted. I’m pulled to him on the cosmic level that I can’t even fathom my days or nights alone anymore. He makes me want to reach out and take life as it comes to me rather than hide in my hole, watching it pass me by.
He makes me want to be more than my past.
The annoying sound of his phone ringing on the counter has both our heads turning in unison to it. Hmm, I didn’t even notice him putting it there when he came in. Then again, I was distracted by his naked body. A three ring circus could have performed in here and I wouldn’t have noticed.
I glance over and see a female’s name before he quickly sends it to voicemail.
“Shouldn’t you get that?” I ask.
He shakes his head and twists his lips to the side. “It can wait until later.”
Until later. He means when I’m not here. It can’t be more than an hour after we woke up. No one calls this early in the morning without a reason. And with his quick brush off of the subject it has my suspicions running rampant.
“Andrew?”
He types out a quick message and places his phone back on the counter. “Yes, love?”
Should I voice my concern or just let it drop? Seeing as I’m leaving soon, there’s no point in causing a fight before I’m gone.
“Nothing.”
He presses a quick kiss to my forehead before grabbing his chirping phone again and walking back to his room.
He’s obviously busy this morning with whoever is messaging him. I watch him walk into his closet, pulling things out to wear for the day. My mind blanks out as I blatantly stare at him, watching as he slides his jeans over his perfect ass. I need to sit before I fall over.
Andrew looks over his shoulder and smirks at me. “Give me another few minutes and I’ll start on our breakfast.”
I nod and he walks back into the bathroom. I gather my clothes off the floor, thankful that they were not overly wrinkled in their haste to leave my body last night. The beep of his phone piques my curiosity again as I slide the shirt over my head.
I shouldn’t look. It’s none of my business. Besides I wouldn’t like someone looking at my messages. But my feet have a mind all of their own as I walk over to his dresser and look at the screen as it illuminates in front of me.
Andrew, it’s imperative that you call me. I’ll be over in an hour. It can’t wait any longer. I need to see you. Evie.
Evie? Who is Evie? I run through the list of members at the Foundation and none of them has that name. Did he lie when Kara asked him if he had a girlfriend? Or is this an ex who still lingers about? And what does she need to talk to him about?
My stomach twists as the past comes back to haunt me. He used me to get his way. That’s the reason he didn’t say anything back to me last night. He’s already got someone waiting for him for when I leave.
I wrap my arms around my middle, forcing the tears away. I won’t cry about this. I’m sure there’s a perfectly good explanation for all the text messages and phone calls he’s had since we woke up. Right? I mean, women always text early in the day, especially to guys they don’t have any interest in. That’s a blatant lie and I know it. There’s only one reason a woman texts first thing in the morning and it isn’t to say hey let’s be friends.
I hear him fumbling around in the bathroom and I decide to alleviate his obligation to me. With a new sadness in my heart, I exit the room to gather up my things. I should just go. It would be easier on everyone involved if I just disappeared. He can meet with Evie without having to worry about getting rid of me and I can go back to Minnesota to live out my existence alone, as it should be.
I give his apartment one last look as I sling my purse over my shoulder and quietly close the front door behind me. I’m guessing it’ll take him a few minutes to figure out that I’ve left so I decide to start walking until I can find a taxi to drive me back to my hotel. Luckily I didn’t have to walk too far as one passes me and I flag it down, asking them to drive me there as quick as possible. The cab driver nods his head and I’m thankful that he’s also not in a talkative mood. I don’t think I would be good company at this moment as my heart splinters inside my chest.
Slipping the driver a few pounds to cover the fare and a tip, I run to the front doors and climb the stairs, not wanting to wait for the elevator. Images of my rides with Andrew come crashing into my brain and I stumble slightly on the stairs, catching myself against the railing.
My phone rings again for the third time and I ignore it. I need to hurry and pack my things and get to the airport before he comes to find me. Another wave of pain hits me as I open my door, finding my room in exactly the same condition that I left it in the morning before.
We kept the Do Not Disturb sign up so my bed is still unmade. His duffle bag sits right at the end where he left it before whisking me away to our adventure around London. I close my eyes and tears threaten to fall as I can still smell his cologne in the air. But I remind myself that he was never mine and that it truly was a vacation fling after all.
I quickly throw my things together, pulling out every drawer to make sure I don’t leave anything behind. His duffle still sits there and I stare at it, wondering what I should do with it. He still has his hotel key so he could come and get it when he’s done seeing Evie.
Even the sound of her name in my head makes my stomach turn. I picture her as some tall model-type woman with cascading blonde hair and looks that would make any man leave his spouse on the spot. They probably have had a love affair for years and were the perfect photo ready couple. Perhaps an on again/off again relationship. Maybe she’s trying to rekindle something. Why else would she have been corresponding with him all morning?
I write a quick note, thanking Andrew for my time here and that I won’t forget him but also asking him not to contact me because it’ll be too hard. I tuck the note safely between the handles of his duffle and swipe my hand across the top.
A lone tear falls from my eyes as I turn and leave the room, sparing myself a final glance to cause me more pain. My door slams louder than I intend as I walk down the hall, brushing away the tears that are now falling freely.
“Tessa?” I hear Kara call down the hall to me, her voice soft and confused. I turn my head but keep it cast down so she can’t see my red-rimmed eyes. “What are you doing here? I thought you were with Andrew.”
I sniff once. “I was. And then he was getting messages and phone calls all morning from an Evie. The last one I looked at without him knowing it and she said she was coming over within the hour. I wanted to spare him the embarrassment of having to explain me to her so I left.”
Her face drops as I brush away another tear. “There must be some misunderstanding. He said he didn’t have a girlfriend.”
I shrug my shoulders. “Yeah, well, he could have said that so he could pursue me this week. It’s not like he’d be the first guy in history to omit the full truth to get a girl into bed.”
Her eyes fall onto my suitcase by my side. “Where are you going?”
“The airport. I’m just going to wait there so he can’t find me and make it more awkward than it already is.”
“Has he called you yet?” she asks.
Just then her phone starts ringing and I hear Chris calling out to her from their room, saying that it’s Andrew. My eyes grow wide and I start shaking my head from side to side.
“Please, Kara. Please don’t say anything. I just need to get out of here.”
She grabs me by my shoulders and holds me at arm’s length. “I don’t want you traveling around London by yourself. Stay right here. Let me grab my purse and I’ll come w
ith you. Just please don’t leave yet.”
I nod my head but keep staring at my feet. I feel defeated and almost numb like the world is moving around me in slow motion. Kara runs back into her room and I can vaguely hear her talking to Chris. I wrap my arms around my middle as she asks him to bring their stuff to the airport behind us. Within minutes, she’s in the hallway again, carry-on and purse in tow.
“Kara, you don’t have to cut your morning short due to me. Really, I’ll be okay. Spend your time with Chris. I don’t need a babysitter. I am capable of taking care of myself. I’ve been doing it for years.”
The familiar sad look in her eyes has me turning my head away. I don’t want pity or sadness and I know she can’t help it right now. She feels sorry for what I’m going through, even though there’s a good possibility that I’m probably making this all up in my head. But then that text message appears before me and I close my eyes, hoping to keep myself in check so I don’t break down in the middle of the hallway.
Kara places her hand on my shoulder and helps me to the elevator. “I know you’ll be okay, but I won’t be if I know you’re out there wandering around by yourself. And let’s face it; you’re not exactly in the best frame of mind right now.”
I can’t argue with her statement as she guides me through the hotel and into a waiting town car. How she got one ready for us, I don’t know but I’m sure it was when she and Chris were talking in her room. We pull away from the curb and I press my head against the cool glass of the window. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a familiar vehicle pull up. I know who that is without having to verify that the tall, dark haired man exiting the vehicle is indeed the man that I’m running away from. Just knowing that he’s there is enough to make the floodgates open and the tears begin streaming down my face.
Kara pulls me into her side, rocking me gently as she rests her cheek against the top of my head. I cry silently, not wanting to draw more attention to myself, even though it’s just us and the driver. The city that I’ve come to love over the past few days passes by me in a blur, a fitting end to my week here. I’ve experienced so much over this week and actually grown a little too. I’ve become slightly less scared, except my fleeing right now. I’ve learned that it’s okay to put myself out there because even though I don’t know the outcome I will never try new things if I don’t. And if I fall, I can pick myself back up.
We pass through the airport, following the crowd like sheep in a flock. I respond to simple commands, giving people my ID when asked, responding to questions appropriately, doing my best to keep myself together when they ask me if I enjoyed my trip. And I did enjoy it, every second of it. I wouldn’t regret a single minute of my time here, even though I’m leaving in heartache.
Once we get past security and into a zone where only ticket holders can be, I finally relax with the thought that I’ll be home soon. Kara, bless her heart, keeps trying to engage me in a conversation as we sit in the first class lounge. Only I’m just not up to talking yet. It’s still too fresh in my mind.
My phone beeps in my purse and I ignore it, just like I’ve ignored the numerous phone calls since we left the hotel. I’m sure he’s going out of his mind, but I don’t understand why. He’s got Evie. Why would he keep wasting his time with me when there’s someone here that he can see every day?
“Aren’t you going to at least acknowledge that text message? You can’t avoid him forever Tess,” Kara says, placing her hand on my knee.
I sigh. “I know. But for now I don’t want to. Maybe later. He’ll stop eventually. I asked him to stop with the letter I left him in my room.”
She tilts her head to the side and gives me her disappointed look. “You left him a letter? That’s it? No advanced warning that you were just going to run away from his apartment, no ‘hey I’ll call you every day until we see each other again’ message. You took the chicken way out and left him a Dear John letter saying to leave you alone?”
I chew on my lower lip as I think about what she just said. “Okay, so it’s kind of a dick move on my part.”
“Kind of?” she asks incredulously.
“Okay fine, a massive dick move. But let’s face it. He’s here, I’m there. And this Evie, she’s here and can give him what he needs. I was just getting in the way. Besides, why else would a woman be messaging a guy early in the morning if it isn’t about a bootie call or she’s not hung up on him?”
“Common courtesy would be to let him give his side of the story.”
“I know.”
She shakes her head. “And you, my friend, are drawing assumptions, and you know what they say when you make assumptions.”
I half-heartedly laugh. “Yeah, I know. But I’m not prepared for this right now. Let me get back to the States and clear my head. We both knew this was coming, that I was leaving today. So I’m making it easier on everyone without the awkward goodbye.”
Kara throws her head back on a loud groan, pushing the palms of her hands into her eyes. “You’re right. Giving the poor man a heart attack instead because you vanished without a word is way better.”
“Stop making sense, please. And I thought you’re on my side.”
She wraps her arm around my shoulder and hugs me. “I am on your side. That’s why I’m fighting you on this because it’s my job to point out when you’re acting stupid.”
My phone beeps again and I’m almost tempted to look at it. Instead, I power it off so it stops making noise.
“He’s not going to go away just because you’re pushing him too. You know that right?”
“No, I don’t know that. But there’s an ocean between us so that will help. He’ll get over it, I’ll get over it and life will move on back to normal.”
She rolls her eyes and her lips move into a flat line. “You’re not my favorite person right now.”
“Yeah, well, get in line. I’m not my favorite person right now either.”
We sit in silence, not needing to say anything more. We both agree that I’m completely stupid and handling this wrong. And even if there weren’t an Evie in the picture this wouldn’t have been an easy departure. It would have hurt ten times worse.
Chris rounds the corner and places a kiss upon Kara’s head. He slides into the seat next to her and they strike up an easy conversation. I’m glad that she’s distracted so she can focus on something other than me. And I need to focus on something other than Andrew.
I look to the empty seat next to me and our first meeting plays before my eyes as if it was a dream. The way he looked and carried himself and how considerate he was when we sat next to each other on the plane. I’ll miss that. I’ll miss him.
They call our flight number and we board the plane, quickly finding our seats in the front. Kara offers to sit next to me, but I brush her off, telling her it’s okay and that she needs to sit with Chris. I stare out the tiny window as I watch the other planes take off and arrive on the tarmac. When the announcement comes that we’re getting ready to depart, I can’t help but glance over at the empty seat next to me. A reminder of what I’m leaving behind.
Once we get the all clear to turn on our electronic devices, I pull out my phone and switch on my playlist. I lean back in my chair and close my eyes as the first song fills my ears. The quiet voice of Daniel Bedingfield has tears pricking my eyes. Are you fucking kidding me? Of all the songs on my playlist, this is the one that comes on. My hands fly to my chest as the pain of what I’ve done washes over me. We fit together so well in everything that we did. And he kept saying that fate brought us together, that we were made for each other, yet I ran away.
I press repeat on this song, torturing myself as a reminder of how much of a coward I really am. I found love and I ran at the first sign of difficulty; without talking to him, without allowing him to explain, or if there was even anything to explain.
I caused this pain.
Me.
All by myself.
Oh God, what have I done?
I FEEL ON TOP O
F the world right now, the master at his game. Nothing can take me down from the high that I’m feeling. My dearest sweet Tessa loves me. She loves me. I wasn’t anticipating her saying that at all but the emotions that were swirling through my head when those three most precious words fell from her perfect lips had my mind momentarily stop to process it all. I’ve warred with myself on this matter for the past few days. She’s my perfect angel, sent from above at just the right moment when I needed her. And I’ve loved her from the moment I saw her.
Tessa. My dear, sweet Tessa, who lights up my life in ways that I never knew were possible. And yet at the same time she hurts in ways that no woman should ever hurt. It’s understandable that she has trust issues. Who wouldn’t have them, given her past circumstances? But now that I’ve found her I’m making it my life’s mission to show her that yes, she can be loved and that she deserves love.
I grip the edge of the vanity, allowing myself a few more moments of silence before I go out there and beg her to stay the weekend with me. I would ask her to stay here indefinitely with me if I had the choice. I know that’s not a realistic possibility yet. We just need more time together. She is my it, my end all, my forever. The thought of her leaving on that plane in just a few short hours has my heart constricting in ways I never thought were possible. But that funny little organ has a way of wreaking havoc on your body and mind. And this beautiful creature that’s waiting for me in my room has it beating with a new purpose in life.
I brush my teeth one more time, just to make sure that they’re clean enough because I plan on kissing her until the moment security tears me away at the gates. Just the thought of her lips on mine, her sweet taste floating across my tongue has my jeans tightening at my crotch. I close my eyes, calming myself down before I walk out there.
“Are you ready, love?” I call out to her from behind the closed door. She doesn’t say anything back. Perhaps she’s already waiting for me in the kitchen. We did have a rather vigorous morning and I’m sure that she’s built up quite the appetite. My appetite is slightly different. It’s more carnal and primitive, fueled by passion and need. A need to keep her by my side for a long as I can.