“There’s no way to be objective when your child is the patient. Under those circumstances, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Knowing the worst makes it harder to stay calm.”
He heard the patient understanding in her voice that somehow was approval of how he’d acted. The words were like a pardon and made him feel closer to her somehow. Like they were partners. Like... Nope, couldn’t go there either.
Keep it light. “So, helping with the shopping is my penance for going into freak-out mode.”
“Apparently you’re a steadfast believer in do the crime, do the time?”
“It’s fair to say that, yes.”
“I’m not sure about this. Lugging an eighteen-pound lump of frozen poultry, plus all the rest of the Thanksgiving dinner fixings, seems like an out-of-proportion penance for behavior that was completely human and understandable.”
He glanced over and thought how ordinary and special it was to have her there. She was sweet, steady, sexy and stunning. If things were different, he could be thinking that he was the luckiest guy in the world that she was with him. They could be any teasing, laughing couple out with their son. But that wasn’t the way it was. If he reminded himself enough, maybe he would stop wanting her so badly.
“Human,” he said. “You’re very diplomatic, Miss Robbins. Sylvia would have had some colorful things to say about my behavior.”
“If that’s a challenge, you should know that I can be colorful,” she defended.
“Okay. Right here, right now, dispensation from professional. Go for it. Be colorful.”
“Let’s see.” She tapped her lip. “All right. Here goes. You were a little insufferable, maybe a tad condescending. Just a bit egotistical and dismissive.”
“Really? That’s all you’ve got?” He laughed. “Sounded more classy than colorful.”
“I’ve got more, but...” She angled her head toward the baby in the backseat. “Little ears. Kids absorb a lot more than adults realize. And Kyle is starting to repeat the sounds he hears.”
“Then thank goodness he hears you. What he learns will be refined. Not to mention the extensive vocabulary he’ll pick up.”
“Please tell me that’s not you putting pressure on him. You’re not going to be one of those demanding fathers who makes his son study every waking moment. You know the kind. The one who goes ballistic over a B+ in school because it’s not an A.”
He heard the teasing in her voice and quickly looked over at her. “Have you met me? Do you not see what a marshmallow I am with him?”
There was laughter in her eyes. “So, you’re one of those permissive parents whose child can do no wrong?”
He braked at a stoplight and rested his forearm on the steering wheel, thinking that over. “I could probably get behind that philosophy.”
“I see we need to have an in-service on the merits of balance in parenting.”
“Are you mocking me? Is that sass?”
“Probably. But only because you gave me a dispensation from being professional.”
“Remind me not to do that again, Emma.”
From the backseat Kyle said, “Mama—”
She half turned and looked at him. “Hey, sweet pea. Did you say Em-ma?”
“Mama,” he said again, distinctly pronouncing both syllables.
“He’s trying to say Emma. You know that, right?”
“I know.”
And yet, mothering came so naturally to her that it seemed right somehow to call her that. Anyone could see how much she loved this child. In a perfect world, she would be Kyle’s mother, but the world was far from perfect. There were no legal ties binding her to them. She worked for him and could move on anytime. The thought of that bothered him so much more now than it had during her interview.
He met her gaze for a moment, then the light turned green and he drove on. “Would it bother you if that name stuck?”
“Would it bother you?” she countered.
“It’s as close to giving him balance as possible,” he finally said. “He doesn’t have a mother and will never know what it would have been like to have her in his life.”
“And that bothers you. Even though you mentioned her—flaws.”
He nodded and turned the car right, driving around the lake. “He’ll never have a two-parent home, something most kids take for granted.”
“I think what you need to focus on is what he does have.”
“And what’s that?” he asked.
“You.” Her full lips curved into a smile. “There are a lot of children who don’t have mothers or fathers. They’re being raised by grandparents or other relatives. Or in the foster-care system. Or on their own, not knowing where the next meal is coming from. Kyle has a father who loves him enough to be an insufferable jerk when he’s worried, but his mother is gone. Will that make him different in school?” She shrugged. “Maybe. But it’s his reality and he’ll adjust to what is.”
“So you don’t think he’ll turn to drugs and alcohol to fill the void?” he joked.
“Did I mention that you have a flair for the dramatic?” She laughed. “He’ll learn his values from his environment and unless there’s something I don’t know about, his surroundings are pretty okay.”
“You think he’ll be all right?” That was a completely serious question, because it would always be a concern.
“He’ll make friends who are drawn to the bright, funny boy he is. People will like him or not for himself. Not who you are or because his mother isn’t around.”
He turned into his driveway and pressed the automatic door opener, then drove into the garage. “Are you saying I should let it go?”
“Yes.”
That was good advice and he’d take it. He opened his car door. “Okay, then. Let’s take this stuff inside.”
“I’ll get Kyle. You take the groceries.”
“How is that balance?” He met her gaze before she got out of the SUV.
“You’re still doing penance.” She grinned, then slid to the ground.
That wicked smile cracked open a nugget of need that most of the time he managed to shut down, but right now he couldn’t do it. Fortunately, she was busy getting the baby out of the car seat and didn’t notice the longing Justin knew was in his eyes.
“I’m going to give him lunch, then put him down for a nap.”
He reached into the rear of the SUV and grabbed several grocery bags at once. “He doesn’t look tired to me.”
“Trust me,” she said. “He is.”
Just then the little boy rubbed his eyes and yawned. Justin supposed that’s what they called a “mom thing.” A woman didn’t have to give birth to know a child. His wife had carried Kyle inside her and had never bothered to get to know him. She’d been more concerned about her post-baby body.
As he carried everything into the house, Emma put Kyle in the high chair and gave him finger food while she assembled his lunch. He got some of it in, but then turned crabby and threw his sippy cup on the floor.
“He’s done.” She lifted him out of the chair and hugged him close. “I’ll take him upstairs and clean him up. Then little man is going down for a nap.”
Justin nodded and put the turkey in the freezer. After starting to unpack the grocery bags, it instantly became clear that he didn’t have a clue where anything went. In surgery he had a system and wanted scalpel, gauze and sutures placed exactly the same way every time. He wanted to be able to find them with his eyes closed. Obviously the kitchen wasn’t an operating room, but Emma would want to be able to find things.
It wasn’t long before she was back with the baby monitor. “He’s out cold.”
“Already?”
“It’s that time of the day.” She looked at the boxes and cans littering the kitchen island and
started putting them away. Holding the boxed stuffing in her hand, a sad look slipped into her eyes. “It just occurred to me.”
“What?”
“This is the first Thanksgiving without my mother.”
She’d had the same feelings around Halloween and Justin knew she was still grieving. Every holiday without the woman she’d thought was her mother would be difficult. There was a reason that the mourning period in the olden days officially lasted a year. But the woman had stolen Emma’s life.
“She wasn’t your mother. The woman kidnapped you.” He knew it was probably the wrong thing to say but couldn’t stop the words.
“I know.” There was confusion and frustration in those two words. “What she did was wrong. But she never gave me reason to question whether or not she was my mother. She loved me, raised me.”
“I can see how much you care for Kyle. Like a mother. Like you were cared for, but she robbed your real mother of that.” Justin hated seeing her so tortured, but he had to say this. “Your mother would want to know that you’re alive, and well, and happy.”
“What are you saying?”
“I would never tell you what to do,” he said. “But put yourself in her place. What if someone took Kyle? How would you feel? Wouldn’t you want to know that he was all right? I certainly would.”
She stared at him for several moments, then turned away and covered her face with her hands. Her shoulders shook with sobs.
“Emma— Damn it.”
Justin moved close and put his hands on her arms, then turned her against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and pressed a kiss to her hair. “I’m sorry. That was uncalled for. I shouldn’t have pushed. Please don’t cry. You can add lout, oaf and boor to that list of colorful adjectives.”
She let out a sound that was part sob, part laugh. “It’s okay. You’re right about this.” She looked up at him, tears streaking her face. “I’ve already made up my mind to tell them who I am, but after the party. I don’t want to do anything to spoil Michelle’s day.”
“That’s good.” He studied her face.
Her cheeks were blotchy and there was distress in her eyes. But he saw something else, too. Yearning. Desire. Longing—everything he was feeling. And suddenly the need to comfort wasn’t nearly as strong as the need to kiss her. The wanting was so big it pushed out shouldn’t, wouldn’t, couldn’t.
He could and did.
He kissed her.
Chapter Eleven
Emma sighed at the touch of Justin’s lips. Her mind had barely absorbed the sudden shift in mood, when he was kissing the tears from her cheeks and her heart went all mushy. In truth, it wasn’t completely unexpected. Promises to be scrupulously professional had not smothered the sparks flaring between them. Right this minute she couldn’t remember and didn’t care about anything but being as close to this man as possible.
She slid her arms around his waist and he deepened the kiss, then traced her lips until she opened to him. He stroked the roof of her mouth and fire exploded through her. In a heartbeat the sound of their labored breathing filled the kitchen.
Just as suddenly, he took a step back and pulled her arms away, then brought one of her palms to his lips and pressed a kiss there. “I’m sorry.”
She blinked at him. “For kissing me?”
“I’ll never regret that.” Tenderly he grazed her cheek with his knuckles. “I didn’t mean to make you cry. I’d never hurt you. It’s just that the words were out before I thought them through. It’s none of my business. I’m sorry—”
She touched a finger to his lips to stop him. “It’s all right.”
His jaw and his eyes turned the color of clouds growing into a thunderstorm. “That’s not all.”
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“Emma—” He blew out a long breath. “I don’t want to want you.”
“I know.” She couldn’t look at him now because she knew what she had to do. “Everything will be much simpler if I just go upstairs.”
“It would be simpler.” He squeezed her hands and didn’t let go. “But in my opinion, simple is highly overrated.”
The meaning of his words sank in and her gaze jumped to his, where need burned in his eyes. “Give me complicated any day of the week.”
“I was hoping you’d say that.” Then he looked at the baby monitor on the counter. “Kyle—”
“He usually naps for an hour or so.”
“Or so...”
Justin threaded his fingers through hers and they walked to his room. Bright sunshine shone through the window as if smiling on them. They stood by the bed, close enough to feel the body heat but not touching.
He leaned down and when his lips touched hers, every single cell in her body responded. Being here with Justin felt too darn good to regret anything. Suddenly heat accumulated beneath her clothes and she yanked them off as fast as possible. Justin did the same and she shamelessly looked at the lean, hard lines of his body.
To look and not touch was like dieting in a bakery. She rested her hand on his chest and savored the arousing texture of the coarse dusting of hair that tickled her palm. Dragging a fingertip over the contour of muscle, she marveled at the beauty of his male form.
As her fingers trailed over his stomach, Justin sucked in a breath and caught her hand. Rays of sunshine coming through the window made the tension in his eyes glitter as he drew her onto the bed. After sliding under the covers, he kissed her, a slow insatiable kiss that was edgy and exciting. He dragged his mouth over her cheek and jaw then took her earlobe between his teeth and gently tugged until tingles danced over her shoulders and down her breasts.
Shivering with need, she turned on her side to face him and met his hungry lips with her own, wanting more of the whole-mouthed kisses that rocked her soul. At the same time, his hand cupped her breast, tracing lazy erotic circles over the sensitive softness until her skin burned and heat gathered everywhere. He slid lower, cupping her as one finger entered her.
“I can’t wait, Justin,” she gasped. “I need you now.”
“Yes—” His voice was ragged, his breathing labored.
He left her long enough to open the nightstand drawer and then she heard the effective rip of the foil packet he’d grabbed. When he’d covered himself, he rolled to her again and took her in his arms.
With a grin, he pulled her on top. “I want to see all the expressions on your face.”
It was her nature to be shy, but she wasn’t with Justin. She straddled his hips and lowered herself slowly until they were one. Pleasure roared through her as sensations rushed fierce and fast. Too soon shudders began spilling over her in waves that made her light-headed with pleasure. He gathered her to his chest and held her until it was over. Gently, he rolled her to her back and settled on top, then slowly moved inside her.
His face was taut with tension and concentration as he rocked against her, his thrusts lengthening until he groaned. Emma wrapped her arms around him and kissed his shoulder until he was still and spent. They stayed locked together for a long time before he sighed and slid away, leaving the bed to go into the bathroom.
Though the last thing she wanted was to move, Emma forced herself to get up. She dressed quickly and went to the kitchen where some groceries still waited to be put away. Her mind was racing, mostly telling her one time in his bed was a fluke. Twice was a pattern.
Before she was ready to face him, Justin walked into the room fully dressed, carefully staying just inside the doorway to keep his distance.
“Emma, I—”
“Don’t.” She met his gaze and panic skipped over her raw nerves. “Please. Let’s not talk about it.”
He slid his fingers into his jeans pockets. “We’re going to have to at some point.”
She wanted to tell him if t
hey both worked really hard, it would be possible to ignore what just happened. But that wouldn’t make the problem disappear any more than doing nothing had resolved her family issues. She was through running away from it.
“You’re right.”
“It was a moment of weakness,” he said.
That was an understatement. “What are we going to do about that?”
“Not be alone together.”
There was a tone in his voice saying what she had already realized: How were they going to pull that off what with living in the same house? She knew the answer but couldn’t bring herself to say it.
And then Emma heard a sleepy, waking-up sound come through the baby monitor. “This discussion needs to wait for a bit. I have a lot of thinking to do and when we talk, there probably shouldn’t be distractions.”
More echoey, little-boy chatter squawked from the nursery and Justin nodded. “I agree. Do you want me to get him?”
“That’s okay.” She felt the need to hold the baby while she could. “I’ll go.”
She hurried up the stairs and her thoughts seemed to move just as fast. Earlier, Justin had said that he shouldn’t have brought up anything about telling her family the truth, that it was none of his business. But he was wrong. The fallout from her revelation would affect everything and she was tired of wondering what it would be.
She was ready to resolve her life. It was the reason that she’d stayed in Blackwater Lake, and the time had come to do it. She could easily fall in love with her boss and she needed to tell her family who she was and give Justin notice that she was leaving town before she couldn’t leave him at all. He’d made it clear that he wasn’t interested in anything serious. If she stayed, she’d never be more than the hired help and an occasional lover.
That would destroy her.
* * *
Emma had never been so fidgety and nervous in her life. She and Justin had just pulled to a stop at the curb just up the street from the Crawford house, where her parents were inside. A lot of other cars were parked up and down the street, so they weren’t the first ones to arrive.
Justin turned off the ignition and opened his door, letting the car’s overhead light turn on. “Are you ready?”
Finding Family...and Forever? Page 14