by Candy Caine
“You mean aside from the fact he’s suddenly working late?”
“The dealership could be busy.”
“Yeah, that’s true. But how do you explain the charge card receipt for the famed No-Tell Motel I found in his pants pocket?”
“Jeez, I’m so sorry, Lauryn.” Claudia didn’t know what to say to her. Despite Lauryn’s bravado, there was no mistaking the tears filling her eyes. Nothing could alleviate her pain in discovering that her loving husband was a bastard and had been cheating on her.
“I need another drink,” she said as she got up and swayed over to the bar.
As Claudia watched her go, she made a mental note to take Lauryn’s keys away and drive her home. The discovery of Luther’s infidelity had been a low blow. They’d often referred to him as the last good man. While Lauryn was waiting for the bartender to make her drink, a guy dressed in an expensive-looking black leather coat started a conversation with her. She continued their conversation after she got her drink. Claudia nearly fell out of her chair when she saw the stranger gently brush away a few tears that fell onto Lauryn’s cheek. With little imagination, she could figure out where her friend’s night was heading. She merely sat there sipping her vodka sour waiting to see how the scenario played out.
It wasn’t long before Lauryn brought the guy over to Claudia and introduced him as Benjamin. He seemed to be medium in height and build. Nothing seemed to stand out about him except his eyes. They were warm, caramel-colored, and looked very sympathetic. When he looked directly into her eyes, she suddenly found herself wanting to tell him all her problems. At this point, she knew Lauryn was in over her head, but just didn’t know it, yet. Benjamin’s handshake was warm and friendly. However, the most telling thing about him was his sing-song voice which broadcasted, loud and clearly, that he was from Jamaica. They small-talked awhile, but Claudia could tell by the dreamy way Lauryn was looking at Benjamin, even though most of it was largely the effects of the booze, that she wanted to be alone with him. Therefore, she took matters into her own hands and asked Benjamin if he would see to it that Lauryn got home safely. After pleading exhaustion and receiving no protests to the contrary, Claudia said good night and headed home.
She didn’t hear from Lauryn until the following night. Now that Lauryn was sober and definitely more clear-headed, she was feeling terribly guilty about cheating on Luther with Benjamin. After telling Benjamin about the world of pain she was in, he ended up giving her the best comfort of all—sex. After all the crappy things Luther had done to her, Claudia found nothing wrong with Lauryn’s actions.
“Hey, not for nothing, but I don’t think you should be so hard on yourself. Luther wasn’t actually sporting a halo, you know. Or have you forgotten?”
“I didn’t forget, Claudia. I just don’t think two wrongs make a right.”
“Listen, your psyche had been rubbed raw and you were soused. Benjamin was a sympathetic ear with benefits. Move on.”
“Do I have to tell Luther?”
“Are you crazy? Why would you want to give him any leverage?”
“Honesty. The truth will set you free—whatever.”
“That’s nonsense. In this case, he’ll use the truth to hurt you. I don’t think he’ll ever let you live it down and he’ll punish you in ways you never dreamed of.”
“When did you become so cynical?”
“The day Jerome tore my heart out and stomped it to death.”
“So I shouldn’t say anything to Luther?”
“Have you been listening to me?”
In the end, Lauryn didn’t say anything to Luther and he would have never known anything was amiss had she not discovered she was pregnant. She knew it wasn’t Luther’s baby, but she never gave Luther any reason to believe that it wasn’t a miracle baby. Instead of being thrilled about his impending fatherhood, Luther accused her of cheating on him and immediately filed for divorce. The very fact that he then married the woman he’d been carrying on an affair with as soon as the ink on the divorce decree dried, showed him to be as big a bastard as Jerome had been--further proving Claudia’s theory that all men were self-centered bastards at heart. Though one might find the Lord’s humor to be a little dark, there was one ray of sunshine glowing from the mess in which Lauryn found herself. She became the mother of a beautiful baby boy she named Seth.
Chapter Three
Darnell called as Claudia was walking back to her office after her last class. She recognized his soft Southern drawl immediately when he said, “Hi, babygirl.” Just hearing those two words was enough temptation to break her own rules and see him just one more time. However, that would make it even harder to turn him down for the following date. Therefore, she stuck to her original game plan.
“Hi, Darnell.”
“Sorry I had to leave so early, but I promise to make it up to you on Saturday.”
“No need.”
She could envision his back stiffening as he replied, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I can’t see you Saturday.”
“What about Friday?”
“That’s out, as well.”
“Well, then, you pick a day.”
“Look, I like you. You’re terrific in bed. In fact, I had one of the best nights ever, but I can’t see you again.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
“Does it matter?”
“It does to me.”
“Won’t.”
“Are you dissing me?”
“It’s not like that—”
“That’s exactly what it is.”
“Look, Darnell, you’re a really nice guy and I don’t want to argue with you. I really like you, but I don’t want to have a relationship with you so it’s best to stop before things happen.”
“I just don’t believe you, woman. Nobody has ever turned me down for a second date. You hear me?”
“I can understand that. You’re one of the best lovers I’ve ever been with.”
“But, you still don’t want to see me again, right?”
“Right.”
“Well that’s just crazy. In fact, woman, I think you’re 100 percent certifiable and maybe you’re doing me a favor.”
A moment later, Claudia realized he’d disconnected. She knew he thought she was crazy. To most people, her attitude came off strange, but for her it was the safest route to take. She had to protect herself. She saw it as a moat or first line of defense separating her from being hurt again by another heartless, self-centered bastard. Compared to the ocean the moat once had been, this was an improvement. There had been a time, when she couldn’t even bear to let a man touch her.
Even her own father had been a bastard. Though he professed to love Claudia, he cared little what effect his beating her mama to a pulp would have on her young psyche. Or could he even remember coming to Claudia’s room drunk while her mama was on the mend? She’d never told anyone about that little morsel—not even Lauryn.
She wasn’t worried that she’d emotionally scarred Darnell. Knowing the little she had about him, she was certain he’d soon find another woman to cry his heart out to as form of foreplay.
There had been a moment of weakness when Claudia thought about going out with Darnel again. Though she caught herself in time, she knew exactly why she had wavered. Since she’d turned thirty-five, she’d been doing a great deal of soul-searching, thinking about the direction of her life. The ticking of her biological clock had suddenly become more audible. She’d never really paid much attention to it. Now, she found she couldn’t mute it. And Lauryn’s pregnancy had set all these dormant hormonal activated feelings in motion.
When Luther had thrown Lauryn out, she moved in with Claudia. Being with her, most of the hurt was somewhat tempered and Lauryn recovered more quickly than she would have had she been alone. Having a baby on the way, she looked forward to being a mother. The time they lived together turned out to be the best of times and they had a blast. After Seth was born, Claudia became Seth’s se
cond mother. He was able to bring out the maternal instinct in her, which she had no idea even existed. Holding him, she suddenly realized how truly empty her life really was. She soon found herself wishing that he were her own child. And the feeling scared her.
Lauryn was the type of woman who needed a man to take care of her. Claudia understood that. After all, she’d gotten married right out of high school and wasn’t used to living on her own. That’s why Claudia wasn’t surprised when Lauryn remarried quickly. When she moved out, she really missed her and Seth. The apartment seemed too quiet and she felt so alone. To avoid going home and being by herself, she began to stay longer at the university.
When she realized she couldn’t live at her office, which was what she was practically doing, Claudia thought about starting a new hobby or getting a pet. Nothing seemed to work. If anything, the internal ticking inside her grew louder. She finally realized what she truly wanted above everything else and could just imagine Lauryn’s face when she told her.
Lauryn had often tried to set Claudia up with Luther’s friends or relatives. Next to relationships, Claudia hated blind dates. Every blind date was supposed to be handsome and quite a catch. To her, Charlie the Tuna was a catch and as far as handsome went, the arranged dates would have worked out better had she been blind.
Claudia knew she often frustrated Lauryn. According to Lauryn, she should have gotten over Jerome by now and built bridges to new relationships instead of erecting moats to separate herself from them. Lauryn took the notion that “no man is an island” seriously.
“You can’t inoculate yourself from life, Claudia.”
Claudia’s response was to roll her eyes.
The eye roll infuriated Lauryn. “I saw that. One day, you’re going to wake up alone surrounded by a dozen cats.”
“Never happen,” Claudia assured her.
“Oh, really? How can you be so certain?”
“I hate cats.”
“Lord, give me strength,” Lauryn said, now rolling her own eyes toward heaven.
“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.”
“That’s what they all say.”
Lauryn was right about one thing. Claudia was lonely. However, she wasn’t lonely because she didn’t have a man to come home to. What she needed more than anything right now in her life was a child to love and nurture. She wanted to fill her apartment with the noise and laughter of a child. She was also aware that her window of opportunity to have one was beginning to close. Not a day went by that she didn’t check herself out in the mirror looking for any tell-tale signs of age, studying her hazel brown eyes and light mocha-colored skin for age-spots, and long black hair for grays. She knew she was pretty and that her high cheekbones gave her an exotic look, but feared when her looks faded; it would be harder to attract men. This intensified her desire to become a mother.
There were several ways for her to acquire a child. Of course, there was always adoption, but she didn’t have the patience to wait on some list for an infant. There was artificial insemination. She could go to a sperm bank, but feared there was really no way of knowing whose sperm you were actually getting. The idea that she’d receive some psychopath’s semen chilled her to the bone.
That left the old fashioned way of having sex with a man of her choice.
She realized that most men would take you to bed if you ask them to, but how many would appreciate the fact that you wanted them to impregnate you? Some would think you were trying to trick them into marriage, while others would want to have some say in the life of the child they helped create.
And that was the last thing that Claudia wanted.
This was going to be her child and no one else’s. She didn’t need a man’s help to bring up a child. From what she already knew, men couldn’t be trusted to be around when you needed them the most, anyway. Who wanted to call around to all his haunts just to ask him to bring home medicine? That scene was not for her. A woman had to be independent and not depend on men.
Being the pragmatist that she was, Claudia gave the subject of having a baby a great deal of thought and planning.
Chapter Four
It was Friday. She’d made plans to meet Lauryn at the Sportscaster, which wasn’t the best of places to talk. It was loud with several TVs playing some sports event. The upside was that it had good service and good food. It wasn’t cheap, but neither of them had to worry about that. All the way there she wondered what Luther was hassling Lauryn about now. For a man who couldn’t wait to be divorced, why didn’t he move on and get the hell out of her life for good? They had no kids to bind them. After all, Lauryn’s getting pregnant precipitated the divorce. Well, she’d know soon enough and then tell her about her own plans for the future.
Claudia got to the Sportscaster and parked in the back. The restaurant was in full-swing and the bar packed. She put her name on the list, which didn’t look that long, and sat down in the waiting area facing the door. Not five minutes later, Lauryn came through the door, her long black hair tied back into a ponytail, holding her oversized bag slung over her shoulder, which held everything she thought she needed and she always thought she needed everything. She believed in always being prepared for the unexpected. Lauryn saw her immediately and waved.
“Long wait?” she asked after they hugged hello.
Claudia shook her head. “How are you?”
“Could be better if Luther dug a hole somewhere and buried himself in it.”
“What part of divorced and moved on doesn’t he understand?”
“You’d think he would—I mean—wasn’t the divorce his idea?”
“What does he want?”
“He wants to see Seth,”Lauryn groaned.
“You’ve got to be kidding.”
“Oh, how I wish I were.”
“Why? From the beginning he never thought the kid was his.”
“He also never really cared to have a child. That’s why he refused to get help when I was trying to become pregnant or wanted to adopt.”
“So why the 180 degree about-face?”
“Have you ever seen his new wife?”
“Just the once in court at the divorce proceedings.”
“Well, I think Luther Sr. might be bugging his son about not having grandkids. From what he said, I got the distinct feeling that Raeleen, his darling wife, doesn’t want to have any. She doesn’t want to spoil her gorgeous figure.”
“So where does Seth fit into the picture?” Claudia asked, concerned.
“You know I never told him that I cheated on him. Now he’s thinking maybe Seth was his kid after all.”
Claudia heard her name called and looked up to see the hostess waving to her.
“Our table’s ready,” she said. They got up and walked over to the hostess desk. She led them toward a table far enough away from the bar so they’d be able to talk. Claudia was really concerned about Luther’s intentions and picked up the conversation where they’d left off as soon as they’d taken off their coats and were comfortably seated.
“Does he intend to fight for custody?” she asked.
“He didn’t actually come right out and say it. Right now he wants to meet Seth and get to know him.”
“How does Ray feel about this?” Ray was Lauryn’s new husband.
“I haven’t told him.”
This was from the girl who once thought the truth would set you free. She sure learned her lesson fast.
“Does he know the truth about Seth?”
“He never asked if he was Luther’s or not. I guess he just assumed he was.”
“I’ll take that as a no.”
The server came over and introduced herself and informed them about the evening’s specials. They both already knew what they wanted and ordered. Claudia had a Chef Salad and Lauryn ordered a burger deluxe. Along with the food, Claudia ordered a vodka sour and Lauryn, a Cosmopolitan.
“There’s a simple solution to this problem,” Claudia told Lauryn; a little surprised she d
idn’t see it herself.
“There is?”
“Tell Luther the truth. This time it will work in your favor. You’re already divorced and have nothing to lose. Knowing how he feels about adoption, in general, he won’t want another man’s child.”
The grin on her face said it all. “And if he doesn’t believe me, he can take a paternity test. Claudia, you’re brilliant!”
The server returned with their drinks. They both took healthy sips and Claudia realized it was her moment to tell Lauryn what she was planning to do. Though she appreciated the feedback Lauryn might give her, she’d already decided to go through with having a baby.
“So now that you solved my problem, what’s going on in your world? What happened with Darnell? Did he call?”
“Let’s just say that Darnell called and was not a happy camper by the end of the conversation.”
“You blew him off even though he was one of the best lovers you’ve been with?”
“Yes. And you know why. Seeing him again would only complicate things.”
“I just don’t understand why you’re so afraid to have a relationship with a man. The worst thing that could happen is you’ll eventually breakup or, heaven forbid, fall in love like most normal people and get married. Only, if you never let anything grow, it can never bloom.”
Claudia sighed. She and Lauryn had hashed and rehashed this. It’s as if she were speaking in tongues. “I don’t let things bloom, because I don’t want to begin something that could never be. I don’t need any tangling relationships—”
“But, it—”
“I don’t want to talk about Darnell any further,” Claudia said testily.
Lauryn got the message and didn’t pursue the subject any further. Claudia knew she wouldn’t. She was more conciliatory in nature and hated to make waves.
“Okay. So what else is happening?” Lauryn asked.
“To tell you the truth, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about children.”
“Children? In what way?”
“I guess I finally woke up to realize that my life is unfulfilled. I feel as of I’m missing something.”