Because of the timing when both the women had given birth, she had been unable to be there for Julia, which had been devastating. It had not helped that Julia had given birth early and unexpectedly, although that had made sense when news reached Pritchford Place that the Duke and Duchess of Sermont had a pair of healthy twins. Usually, Cat would be over the moon to meet her niece and nephew. And she was. But she was also desperate for Julia’s counsel.
As soon as the two women saw each other, they hugged tightly. Cat could feel Julia’s cheek against her own. “Do not worry, Cat. We will figure this out,” she promised. “We will.” Julia’s calm assurance and fortitude in the face of difficulty had never been comforting.
Cat had clung to her longer than usual. She could not talk to Jane about any of her feelings, because Jane was dealing with her own emotions about John. And for the first time, she could not truly open up to her husband either, since he was besieged with both guilt and worry when anything about the fire was brought up. He had been having nightmares since they returned to Pritchford Place. He would never tell Cat what he dreamt of, but the way he clung to her after he woke gave her the sneaking suspicion that in his nightmares no one rescued her. She was not much better, since the reason she was awake to comfort him from his nightmares in the first place was that she no longer slept.
Shep exited the carriage, holding one baby in his arms and the nanny followed with the other. Julia quickly scooped up her child from the kindly looking woman and brought her over to Cat.
“This is Elizabeth Catherine Shepfield. We call her Lizzie,” Julia stated proudly. “Lizzie, this is your Aunt Cat, the bravest woman I know.”
For the first time in quite some time, the tears Cat cried were happy ones. “Oh, Jules,” she murmured. “I’m honored. She is just beautiful. Come inside so I can hold her.”
“We cannot forget Reggie,” Shep announced as he leaned forward, moving the blanket so Cat and Ben could both see his handsome face. “Reginald Benjamin Shepfield.” With his free arm, Shep patted his old friend on the back. “Now, do not going crying on me, Ben. It was your sister who insisted on the middle name.”
“It was not,” Julia retorted as she raised an eyebrow at her husband. “Though I heartily supported your suggestion. Do not tell lies, Shep, or I will tell everyone how you blubbered like a baby yourself when you held them the first time.”
“I’m not ashamed of that, darling.” He leaned forward to kiss her cheek as they walked into Pritchford Place. “Lizzie, Reggie,” he announced with his usual humor. He already knew what his role would be during this turbulent time. He would teach them to smile and even laugh again. “One day…none of this shall be yours.” Everyone laughed with him. “But it will be like a second home to you.” This he meant genuinely, because that was what it had been to him his whole life. This place would always be a safe haven for them, just as it had been for him. His children made him incredibly nostalgic and emotional, apparently. “Where is Jane?” he asked when everyone had calmed down.
“Coming,” she called from the stairs. Truthfully, she had been in her room thinking of John. “Oh! Are the babies here? Oh, yes!” she cried enthusiastically.
“Well, we did not leave them at home, you ninny,” Shep joked as he gave her a hug.
Julia followed with a warm embrace for Jane. Just as she had with Cat, she pressed her cheek to the young woman she considered a sister. “We shall figure this out. I promise,” she repeated. She understood two separate issues were at play but Julia had always been ambitious woman and both Cat and Jane had always been there for her. She would not let them down now.
* * *
That night, though they talked of other things, Cat lay beside her husband, praying that tonight she would be able to find rest. “I cannot imagine how Julia and Shep manage two at the same time,” she murmured as she snuggled into Ben’s chest.
“Well, they have a nanny,” he told her as he stroked the length of her braid.
She looked up at him so that he could see her roll her eyes in the candlelight. “They have a nanny like we have a nanny. You know that Julia controls the lion’s share of caring for them. And Shep is utterly devoted because of his past losses. You heard him cooing at Lizzie, didn’t you?”
Ben grinned at her, winding her braid around his fist gently. “Are you insinuating that I am not devoted?”
“Of course not,” she replied. “I just find it a rather unique situation that you are both so involved, but I would not have it any other way.” She leaned forward to press a kiss to the underside of his jaw. “You are the most devoted. And I love you.”
He was quiet for a moment but she could tell something bothered him. She looked at him questioningly. “I have not been so devoted lately, not since we returned from London.”
“That is not true,” she disagreed.
“I should be thinking of you, supporting you. What I mean to say is…” He took a deep breath. “I am thinking of you, every moment of the day. I am worrying about all the what ifs. I am imagining what my life would be if John had not intervened. And that has kept me from being there for you in the present. This is not about me. I did not live through the hell you did. And yet it is you who comforts me in the middle of the night.”
“I am fine,” she insisted. She mustered up a smile. “I promise you have not been remiss in your duties to me or in your love.”
He sighed. “Cat.” His hand brushed her cheek and she closed her eyes at his touch. “Please do not lie to me. It is not how you and I are together.”
“It is hard.” She swallowed and squeezed her eyes shut. “I do not wish to lie to you, but I am afraid to tell the truth. I thought the fire was in the past. I hardly ever give it a thought except to be grateful to God that I am alive and it brought us together.”
“But now?” Ben encouraged.
“Ben, I do not wish to discuss it.” Pressing her lips together, she grabbed part of his nightshirt in her fist.
“Why?” he asked softly, reaching to pull her nearer so he could see her face.
“Because it is difficult!” she cried out. “Because I cannot sleep without dreaming about it so I cannot sleep. Because three times now, randomly, I have lost my breath in panic over something that happened over a decade ago. I could not breathe. I had to sit on the floor of the nursery while the boys slept peacefully, waiting to be able to breathe again. I do not want these memories. I want our life back, before. And so no, I do not wish to discuss it.”
“Not even with me?” he asked quietly.
“Not even with you!” she insisted. She knew she had hurt his feelings but for the first time in her life, she could not put his feelings before her own on this one issue. She could not help it. “You think I do not know what your nightmares are about? I do not wish to add to your burden.”
He pressed a long kiss to her forehead and whispered urgently in her ear, “You are not, nor have you ever been, a burden to me. You have only been a joy. And I have been selfish, making you carry the weight of this.”
She began to cry as he held her tightly to him. “Do you know I never even thanked John? I never even thanked him for risking his life and saving mine! It is I who has been selfish.”
“You are the most selfless person I know,” he told her. The candles guttered out, leaving them in darkness. “But you are human and you are trying to understand, to process everything that took place. We can still thank him. I think we must. I think we owe him at least that.”
“And what of Jane?” she asked brokenly. “What of her feelings for him? You feel as if you have not been the husband you ought to be and I feel I have not been the sister I ought to be. But I cannot listen to her or advise her about John because I am so worried that if we begin to talk about him all I will see are the flames. She does not deserve that and frankly, neither does he, since he is the one who rescued me from those flames.”
“We shall fix it,” Ben promised as he cuddled his weeping wife to him. “We shall
fix it.” Though he had no idea how.
* * *
In the room Julia had grown up in as a girl and then as a woman, she braided her hair while Shep watched from the bed. “Cat is a mess. Ben is a mess. Jane is a mess. It is all a gigantic mess.”
“Well, I am sure you will put it to rights,” Shep replied as his wife walked toward the bed they would share here. She was the loveliest creature he had ever seen. “You always do. Even with the most broken of us.”
She slipped into his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck. “I love you,” she murmured before kissing him.
“You know,” he whispered as he nibbled at her lips. “It occurs to me that this is the first time I have ever seen your bedroom, despite a lifetime of summers at Pritchford Place.”
“Not for lack of trying,” she noted as she raised a brow. He flipped her over so he was above her, his weight on his arms, making her giggle madly. To watch her at her vanity, to be in her bed, it was as if his fantasies had come true. In fact, his fantasies, his prayers, had come true.
“You make me sound like a cad. I would never have done anything dishonorable before marrying you.” He grinned at her, his green eyes only a little wicked. “I only wanted to kiss you a little… with some privacy.”
“Only a little?” she asked, that brow winging up.
“All right,” he admitted with a sigh. “A lot. I wanted to kiss you until neither of us could breathe. But still, I am honorable man. I would never have taken your virtue. Just besmirched it a little bit.”
She laughed again and ran her hand through his hair. “I know you are an honorable man and a good friend. Which is why I know you are just as worried about Ben, Cat, and Jane as I am, even though you are distracting me. And I know you are distracting me because we have our work cut out for us and you want to see me smile, just now, when we are alone.”
He sighed, rolling to his back. “You miss nothing, you know? Even when I am trying to seduce you.”
Julia cuddled against him. “I am worried. And so are you.”
He kissed her forehead. “We will help them to work it out. I promise.”
“I believe you.” She touched her finger to his lips. “Now that we have that figured out, why not returning to seducing me?”
“With pleasure.” And his green eyes twinkled.
* * *
Jane slept alone and for the first time in her life, she felt alone. And lonely, so incredibly lonely.
The next day a letter was penned with input from Cat, Ben, Shep, and Julia. Jane was informed that it was being written, but she preferred not to be a part of what was happening. She remained too confused. If the rest of them had clarity, she did not want that confusion to interfere.
20 June 1823 Pritchford Place
Dear John,
First, we would like to apologize profusely for being unable to express our gratitude on that day, which we are sure you remember, earlier this month. Writing of our thanks and our feelings about what you did seems paltry compared to the bravery and humility you have shown in your life. In fact, there is no way to even begin to repay you.
We would like to invite you and Lord Marlington to come and stay with us at Pritchford Place. We know that Pritchford itself does hold some less than ideal memories. But we are hoping that by coming here, and enjoying our hospitality for some time, we might begin to show you just what a difference you have made in all our lives.
We know we do not speak for ourselves in extending this wish. Although she is not included in signing this letter, we know that Jane would also welcome you. We hope we are not being too forward in telling you that it might be best for you two to talk. We know she is confused.
Please write back to us soon. We would come to you, but we are unable with our two young children and with some close family visiting currently. They are aware of the situation and also welcome the opportunity to thank you in person for what you have done.
This letter seems quite inadequate but we send it anyway because no words could truly convey our feelings. We hope to be able to do that in person.
Yours Sincerely,
Lord and Lady Wembley
In the end, a few days later, Jane wrote to him as well. She could not help it. She had to do something.
22 June 1823 Pritchford Place
Dear John,
I wish I could write to you with a clearer head but the most recent revelations have left me confused at best. Of course, I am thankful. My goodness, I think I will spend the rest of my life thanking God for what you did for my sister. You gave me my sister, John. You did that. Without your help that night, I would have grown up without any memory of her. And I do not have the words to thank you, because she has been the single most important person in my life.
So, I do not know how to express my gratitude and I do not know how to express my confusion either. Why did you never tell me? I know you to be humble but it is hard. Maybe if there was not a two-year chasm separating us, I would not feel as if I never really knew my best friend at all. And yet, I am sure I know you, as I know myself, as I know my family. You see? I just go around and around in circles.
Cat and Ben have told me about the letter and the invitation they sent to you and to Lord Marlington. I do hope you come. Perhaps that is forward of me to admit, but I was so surprised at the sight of you at the ball that I fear I did not handle myself well. I was unfair to you. I am so confused between the friendship we once shared and the rules of propriety now! You were one of the foundations of my life and then you were gone and though I understood your reasons, you were still gone. And then I turned around and you were there and we were dancing. I had not yet figured out my feelings when you came to call back in London and then Cat remembered.
I cannot promise you that all my feelings are clarified, as the beginning of this letter makes indicates. But some things have come to light in my heart and in my mind. I would like very much to speak with you. I would like to talk to the person you are now to see if he is still my old friend John who means more to me than I am comfortable writing in a letter.
Yours Sincerely,
Jane
I, of all people, am not ignorant to the ghosts Pritchford holds for you. I have made it clear to both Cat and Ben that for you to return here and stay with us is not some ordinary feat. But still I ask it of you. I have spent too much time without you to not selfishly ask it.
* * *
8
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* * *
SHE WAS STILL HIS QUEEN OF THE FAIRIES. …
* * *
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CHAPTER EIGHT
A Visit Begins
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“A nd to think you still think you are not good enough for her.” This had been Lord Marlington’s only response from that day in London when Lady Wembley had remembered that it was John who saved her. Tom knew John well enough by now to know that he did not wish to talk about it.
But how could he explain it to anyone? In the days since, he had thrown himself into work, not returning home until late into the night and returning to the office early in the morning. Tom barely saw him and it was a good thing, because he would have noted that John was barely sleeping. But he could not explain it to Tom.
When he had first left Pritchford and spoken of being worthy of Jane, he had thought that meant money and stability. But now he realized it meant something much deeper than that. Jane was good. She had grown up in a home loved by her sister and her parents and that love and goodness was as much a part of her as her golden hair or sky blue eyes.
John had grown up where grimness and violence reigned. And no matter how clean his fingernails were now, no matter that his father could no longer beat him, he felt as though he would always carry where he came from wherever he went. He was undeserving of her. He did not know what he had been thinking when he had thought he ever could be deserving. He did not want her family’s gratitude. In hi
s mind, it would be better if they never knew. He did not want credit, because what he did was what anyone would do. And to think of the influence Jane had on his life! As far as he was concerned, he owed a debt to her family, not the other way around.
But then the first letter had arrived. It was clear that it had been difficult to write. John knew he had to answer it. He did not speak of it to Tom but Tom being Tom found out from someone downstairs that a letter from Pritchford Place had come and demanded to know its contents.
“You cannot blame them, boy,” Tom said heavily. “What you did. To them, it is everything.”
“But I do not want it to be!” he had shouted, immediately hating himself because it reminded him of his father. “I am not who they think I am.” Then he had gone off to bed.
He had not heard Tom’s response. “You are exactly who they think you are, boy.”
But then a few days later, a letter had come addressed to John in what he had known was Jane’s handwriting. His heart was beating out of his chest as he opened it. What would she say? Their encounters recently had given him little hope that she returned his affections, but with his most recent personal revelations, that he would never be worthy of her, perhaps that was for the best.
He had sighed deeply after finishing reading the letter because no matter what he told himself, he loved her. He loved her when she was angry at him. He loved her when she was confused and struggling. He could never deny her anything and he would not now. So, it was decided that he and Tom would go to Pritchford Place. He did not write his father or brothers to tell him he was coming. He thought long and hard about it, but in the end, he thought that it was possible he would be in and out of town without them being the wiser. He did not mind his brothers. He loved them. But he knew his father would be angry and the man would surely take it out on them. He wanted no one hurt on his account.
Regency Romance: The Viscount's Blazing Love (Fire and Smoke: CLEAN Historical Romance) Page 6