His face was buried against her neck. She did not hear his words so much as feel them. “You are a better person than I.”
“Well, that is not true. We are just different,” she told him practically. “And as I told your sister, it is always harder when it is someone you love. If the shoe was on the other foot, I imagine I would be the one angry. And I pray you would be the one to talk me out of it. Because John is not going anywhere.”
At this, Ben pulled back to look at his wife’s face. “What do you mean? After Lord Marlington leaves tomorrow, we will never see him again. He will be out of our lives.”
Cat just looked at him. Her face was serious and he felt as if she was seeing into his very soul. “Do you really believe that? What about Jane? Would you really want her to be so unhappy? She loves him,” Cat reminded him with feeling. “And he has done nothing but be honorable. Should he have to pay for his father’s crimes?” She grabbed onto his nightshirt with passion. “And, Ben, let us pretend we would never see him again. Would that make your anger go away?”
He had to take a minute. She had spent her whole life actively forgiving the person who was responsible for the fire. This was new for him. But she was right. It was not John’s fault, although he did make a handy target. And he would not want Jane to be unhappy. “No,” he admitted reluctantly.
“Let us go to sleep,” Cat urged as she slipped back into bed. “And we will find a way to move forward. Part of moving forward is helping Jane get her happy ending, just as she helped us get ours.”
“I suppose you are partly right,” he agreed, as she slid beneath the covers and reached for her.
“Which part are we in disagreement over?” she asked him, that serious look still on her face.
He grinned down at her and some of his anger melted away. “The sleeping part.” He traced her lips with his finger. “I love you. I want you.”
She wrapped her arms around his neck and smiled up at him. “I love you, too. I want you, too.”
As he kissed his wife, rolling her over in the bed, he realized that somehow it would be all right. She was in his arms and his boys were down the hall. He could find peace. It might not come right away, but it would come, because she would be at his side.
* * *
19
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* * *
“THIS CANNOT BE TRUE.”
* * *
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CHAPTER NINETEEN
A Change of Heart
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1823
London
It had not been easy to come to this point. Ben was standing outside Lord Marlington’s door with Shep beside him, but with Cat’s help, and the help of his friend and his sister, he had gotten here.
“I cannot believe I am about to do this,” Ben admitted to Shep, rolling his eyes.
“We talked about it. Cat was clear that you should not do it unless you could welcome him into the family as you would any other good man Jane loved,” Shep reminded him.
Shep was right. The weeks since the revelation over the identity of the arsonist had been filled with long talks and heated debates behind closed doors. Ultimately, they had decided not to tell Jane any of it once they had come up with the current plan. That had been Ben’s concession. If he was about to do what he came to London to do, then John would have to carry through with the rest.
But that had not been the only consideration over not telling Jane. In the weeks since John’s departure, she had grown introverted and quiet. When she thought no one was observing her, her face betrayed her deep sense of sadness. She had repeatedly told both Cat and Julia that she did not want to speak of it, but just a week ago, she had finally broken down and told them of her last meeting with John. Apparently, she had run into him as he was running out of Pritchford Place. She had demanded answers and when he had been unable to give them, which unbeknownst to her, was in keeping to the promise he had given Cat and Ben, she had said goodbye. She was determined to move on, Cat had shared with Ben. But she was not doing a good job of it.
“Maybe there is someone better for her,” Ben suggested as a last resort because he so badly did not want to travel to London on his mission. “Jane is the most determined person I know. If she is determined to move on, she will.”
Cat had looked at him for a long time before smiling. “And after the first time I turned you down? Were you determined to move on from me?” She paused, letting it sink in. “How did that work?”
So now he was here, unannounced, at Lord Marlington’s door. The butler allowed them in once they had stated their names and announced them to Lord Marlington, who had had come limping down the hallway.
“Well, well,” Tom said as he realized who was there. “Have you finally come to your senses then?”
“I do not know what you mean,” Ben said with a great deal more dignity than he felt at the moment.
“I do not blame you for acting the way you did upon first hearing the boy’s news,” Tom admitted. “But I expected, or at least hoped, that over time you would realize that he should not have to pay for the sins of his father.”
“I happen to agree,” Ben replied a bit stiffly. “Where is the boy?”
“I shall have to send for him,” Tom stated, before he nodded to one of the footmen to go and do just that. “He is working. I swear, in the time I have known him, that boy has tripled my fortune.” He led the men to a sitting room. “Although he has been walking around here like the shell of the person he used to be. He has lost weight.”
“We are sorry to hear that,” Shep replied diplomatically.
“I do not know if it is the guilt or the loss of the woman he loves.” Tom shook his head as if to clear it. “But the boy is in my care now and if you want to speak to him, I want to know what it is about. He deserves for someone to protect him, even if it is far too late for that.”
“The boy,” Ben said through his teeth, “is a man. And I am sure he can handle his own affairs.”
“I wonder if you will say that about your own sons when they are grown.” Tom stroked his chin.
Ben immediately softened at the mention of his children. For him, forgiveness was a daily decision he made for himself, for his family, and for God. But it was still a choice. And then John appeared in the doorway, looking sadder and more pathetic than Ben had ever imagined. He was so tall that the loss of weight made him appear reed thin. His face was carved down to the bone. His shoulders sagged in a way that Ben did not recall them ever doing before. And it hit him, like a slap or someone pouring cold water on his head, that this was only a small picture into what his childhood had been like. This was just an inkling of what he must have looked like as a boy. He had no bruises now. And Ben was thinking of his own children and how much he loved them and cherished them, how he would give his life for them. It changed everything to realize that John was just as much a victim of his father’s actions as Cat was. It had been so obvious to others, but it had taken him until this moment.
“Do you have time to speak with us today?” Ben asked with a startling amount of gentleness. Both Shep and Tom looked shocked, because his tone was so very different than the rest of the conversation had been.
“I do,” John agreed as he stepped forward into the room. His joints felt creaky. He felt older than his years. “Please. If there is anything I can do…”
“We are not here about that,” Ben interrupted. He no longer had patience for John’s apologetic tone. Why should he have to apologize for the monster who had tormented him his whole life? “We are here about Jane.”
“Is she all right?”
Ben realized that was always John’s first question whenever her name was brought up. He thought about all the things that Cat had dreamt about for her little sister’s husband. This was that man. “She is. Physically, she is all right. But…” He paused awkwardly. “You must know that her happiness is of the upmost importance
to us. We know now the reason you felt you could not ask her to marry you. You shared it with us that day weeks ago. We have not told Jane. There are several reasons for that but ultimately…” He raised his eyes to meet John’s, man to man. “We hoped that you would reconsider, that you would ask her.”
John looked shocked but his voice was still a rasp. “How can I after what my father did?”
“We have not told Jane,” Ben repeated. “Because we think you should be the one to tell her. You two have been friends for a very long time. You two have a history we do not share in. Cat thinks, and I agree, that she would want to hear it from you,” Ben related calmly.
“If that is what you want me to do,” John said with a sigh. “I will do whatever you need.”
“You do not understand,” Ben insisted. “You told us you could not marry Jane because of what your father did. You have our approval to marry Jane.” Ben choked on the last bit, partly because it was difficult, partly because he was finally letting go, and partly because Jane would always be a little sister to him. “We would welcome you into our family.” He found he meant the next part completely. “It would be an honor, really.”
If it was possible, John went even paler. “This cannot be true.”
“It is,” Shep asserted.
“You truly mean this?” John asked. “You would not only approve of the match but you would welcome it? I could not bear for Jane to feel any awkwardness with her family.”
“I mean it,” Ben said simply. “And I come with my wife’s blessing as well.”
For a moment, joy filled John so completely he did not know what he would do. Tom slapped him on the back and started to chortle over his happiness. And then it was as if lead settled in his belly: he could ask her to marry him, but first he would have to tell her about his father.
There was no guarantee she would accept him. In fact, she would have every reason to walk away from him forever.
* * *
20
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* * *
IT WAS AS SIMPLE AS THAT. …
* * *
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CHAPTER TWENTY
King and Queen of the Fairies
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P ritchford Place
Pritchford, Yorkshire
The whole day seemed off to Jane. As usual, she had woken up with a pit in her stomach. She had dreamt, the night before, of John. They had been in the field where he had once dubbed her Queen of the Fairies, except in her dream they were adults. He looked as he did the last time she saw him. And when he lifted the crown to her head, he had pressed the sweetest of kisses to her lips. In her sleep, tears had come to her eyes unbidden. But then she woke and the reality that she would never see him again or kiss him again hit her as it did every morning.
She hated her dreams and the hope they falsely gave her every night. So, all that had taken place like clockwork. But then when she had come downstairs, Cat was already there. This was an oddity, since Cat was married and took breakfast in bed as was custom. “Oh, Jane. Why not put on your blue dress today? It makes your eyes look ever so lovely.”
“But I am wearing this,” Jane replied dumbly.
“Oh, please?” Julia entered the conversation. Apparently, she was not taking breakfast in bed either. “I have not seen you in that dress and we shall be leaving soon and it is so dreary out. You would light up the whole house.”
Jane dutifully turned on her heel to have Trent help her change into her blue dress. But when she looked out the window, it had been extremely sunny. What was Julia talking about? It was not a dreary day at all.
There were more strange things at breakfast. First, Shep began. “Jane, have I ever thanked you for what you did for me before Julia and I married? How you pushed me to see what was right on front of me?” He paused, his green eyes intent on her. “Think of all the things I would be missing out on if you had not pointed out that I should humble myself and try again with her.”
Julia arched a brow. “Second chances. They are so important.”
Ben laughed. “Or third and fourth chances in our case.” Taking his wife’s hand in his, he had kissed the back of it.
It was not just the topic of conversation that felt strange but the energy in the room. Everyone seemed to be on the edge of their seats with excitement. Jane had even asked, “Is something happening today that I have forgotten?”
No one had answered her question, which she had taken to mean there was nothing she was missing. But how could everyone be so gleeful and nervous at the same time while she felt so sad after her dream the night before? And then Carlisle had announced a visitor. She had not been even paying attention. She had just been thinking how awful it would be to try and smile and act happy for a visitor.
And then John had appeared.
When she glanced up and saw him, she nearly gasped aloud. He looked like the John she remembered but also more serious, more solemn. He squared his shoulders and appeared to being wearing his best suit. She had never seen him dressed so handsomely, even in London or previously at Pritchford Place. The expression he bore also reminded Jane of every time he had been determined to do something. Shall we build a fort? Of course we will. Nothing can deter us. Shall we find a deer in the woods? We will not stop until we find one, even if it becomes nighttime.
She still heard his voice in her head.
When he looked at her with gray eyes, she did not know what to make of his expression. “I was wondering if I had your permission, Lord Wembley, to take Jane on a walk, and of course, I would want Jane’s acquiescence as well.”
“You have our permission to ask Jane,” Ben said with enthusiasm and a wink at his wife.
“Jane, would you do me the honor of going on a walk with me?” John asked as he turned to her.
“A walk?” she asked stupidly. She felt stupid. What was this? Had everyone known he was coming? And if he was here and he wanted to see her alone…
If Ben had so enthusiastically approved them being alone, then had he spoken to Ben? Ben had gone to London a week ago and had not shared his reasons for the sudden need to travel. Had they spoken then? If this was happening to someone other than herself, if she did not know the contents of her last conversation with John, this sounded an awful lot like the beginning of a proposal.
And if that was the case, what would she say?
She did not know, but she did expect answers. So, she nodded and rose from her seat, leading John out the door.
“I thought we would go this way. There is a little spot I found when I stayed here last,” he told her gently, touching her elbow lightly. “It made me smile because it reminded me… Oh, I do not know if you even remember.”
“Remember what?” she asked cautiously.
He laughed at himself, but she could tell he was nervous about something. “Oh, I do not think you will remember. It was silly.”
She touched the cuff of his jacket. “I am sure it was not silly. What was it?”
“It reminded me of the field we used to play in and there were all these tiny white flowers.” He waited a moment longer for them to reach it. “They are still here,” he told her as cheerfully as possible as his heart pounded in his chest. “I named you Queen of the Fairies.”
She smiled, her blue eyes blinking up at him. “And you gave me a crown of flowers. Of course, I remember.” Then, she looked away. “In recent weeks, I have wished I did not.” When she met his eyes, she read them very well. He was going to tell her he loved her. “Do not say that,” she whispered as her eyes closed. “Do not tell me that. It hurts when you say it, because you do not want to marry me.”
He grabbed both her hands in his. “I never said that I did not want to marry you,” he told her vehemently. “There is nothing I want more in this world than to marry you.”
Her eyes opened. She did not want to cry, but this was so difficult. “But there is a reason you cannot, corr
ect? You have told me that time and time again. You love me but you will not ask me.”
“There is a reason that I thought I could not. There is a reason that I thought your family would not approve, but I have since shared that reason with them. And I have their permission to ask you now.”
“Do not ask me now.” She shook her head. “I cannot accept you if you are keeping secrets from me. What could have possibly been a big enough reason if you truly loved me?”
“I am going to tell you. But before I do, I want you to know that if you cannot… If you cannot forgive me… If you cannot move past it, I will not blame you or think less of you. Nothing could make me think less of you. But it is no small thing. I cannot pretend that it is. I only want to give you warning.” He squeezed her hands in his. His voice was earnest and demanded her attention. She could not look away from him.
“John,” she murmured with gentleness. It was clear that whatever it was, she planned on forgiving him. But she had no idea what was about to come out of his mouth.
“I was stupid. I told myself I could become worthy of you, but when we came to Pritchford, I had all these memories of my childhood and I realized that I would never be good enough—
“John,” she interrupted.
“That is not what I have to tell you. Please let me explain myself.” He shook his head. “This is not easy. I recognize how stupid that was now. You have never thought less of me and if you wanted to be with me, even if we caused a brief scandal here or in London, then I should have proposed. But I was stupid,” he repeated. “And I went home. When my father was dying, he revealed something to me. He told me…”
Regency Romance: The Viscount's Blazing Love (Fire and Smoke: CLEAN Historical Romance) Page 13