New Title 1

by Jane Harvey-Berrick

  “Sebastian, can I ask you something?”

  “Sure, baby,” he said, running his hand down my arm, and twining his fingers with mine.

  “Well, I was wondering… what are your nightmares about?”

  I felt him tense immediately, and regretted my question.

  “It’s hard to talk about, Caro,” he said, his voice low and quiet.

  “It’s okay – you don’t have to tell me.”

  “I just don’t want you to have that shit in your head.”

  “Sebastian, you wake up screaming every night – it doesn’t have to be me, but I think you need to tell someone.”

  “I’m not seeing a fucking shrink,” he said, testily.

  I didn’t reply.

  We sat silently, staring out of the windows, watching the horizon growing paler as the sun sank behind the sea.

  And then he began to speak.

  “I can’t tell you everything, Caro, because it’s classified, and you can’t report any of this.”

  “Of course not!”

  I was hurt that he’d even think that.

  “Sorry, baby, I had to say it.” He sighed. “We were in Nowzad in the first place to make contact with someone – a local guy – who was going to get us to one of the Taliban leaders – so we could take him out. That’s why they wanted me there, because they were worried about using local interpreters for a sensitive op. It was supposed to be a small patrol, just the 14 of us, with Jankowski in charge. At the last minute, Grant was told we had to take these two guys from the Afghan National Army with us. He wasn’t happy, but he got overruled. We headed out into the mountains for what we thought would be three or four days, but we didn’t get that far. When we got to the village for the meet, we knew right away that something was wrong – it was just too damn quiet. There was nobody in the fields, no one sitting outside their houses. We were all on edge.

  “I went ahead with the ANA guys and they were calling out for the man we were supposed to meet. Then this guy came out from behind one of the buildings and he was talking really fast, and he looked fucking terrified. I realized he was quoting from the Koran and I knew then he’d been turned into a human fucking bomb. I yelled at everyone to get back, but then I felt like I’d been punched in the shoulder and I realized I’d been shot. One of the ANA guys had tried to take me out, then shot his colleague and turned his rifle on the rest of the squad. The firefight started, and I could hear Jankowski yelling at the contact to get down. Mark and Jez came running over to help me – and that’s when the bomb was detonated.”

  Sebastian swallowed and closed his eyes.

  “The Afghan contact was just pink mist: Jankowski, Mark and Jez were caught in the blast. If Jez hadn’t been so close to me, I’d have been killed, too, but he took it for me.”

  Sebastian’s voice dropped to a whisper.

  “I had pieces of Jez all over me: that’s what I dream about.”

  His hands were shaking and his breathing had become shallow.

  “I understand, I do, tesoro,” I murmured, gently stroking his cheek. “When I was in Iraq… it was the sound of the helicopters; they were bringing in wounded and I saw… I saw. But I don’t have that nightmare anymore, Sebastian, because my worst nightmare is losing you.”

  I held him tightly, because that was all I could do.

  Two days later, just as he was finishing his exercises, a sheen of sweat making his body glisten in a way that made my mouth water, I decided it was time to take a further step into the world.

  “How do you feel about another challenge, Sebastian?”

  He glanced over at me and smiled. “Sounds interesting. Does this one involve leaving the bedroom?”

  I grinned at him. “Yes, it does, but now you’ve got me thinking other things, Hunter, and my once pristine thoughts are getting a little dirty.”

  “How dirty?” he said, his eyes heating under my gaze.

  I stood with my hands on my hips and looked him in the eye.

  “Very dirty.”

  He groaned. “Why didn’t you say that before I did that damn workout, Caro?”

  I laughed. “Rain check until tonight, Hunter. It’s a beautiful day, we should be outside.”

  He nodded his agreement, then lifted my hand to his lips, brushing soft, sweet kisses over the tip of each finger.

  “Yeah, okay. I need to see Atash anyway. He’s got some problem with immigration that he wants me to look into.”

  Atash was the name of one of the Afghan men from the café and, against the odds, he and Sebastian had become friends. Atash’s family had been forced to leave their village near Lashkar Gah in Helmand province and were lost and alone in a new country. Being useful to them brought Sebastian back to life, day by day. And day by day, it brought him back to me.

  I wasn’t sure if he and Sebastian had bonded over baseball or because Sebastian was probably the only other person in all of Long Beach who spoke his language. But most days they found an excuse to meet up. And once Sebastian had started helping Atash and his family with their legal status, they spent even more time together.

  Atash was shy about coming to our home so, mostly, Sebastian walked over to see him. I was glad he had a reason to leave the bungalow, and one that was completely separate from our life together. He needed it, and I think he knew that.

  “So, if you’re not talking about sex, Caro,” he prompted me, “what’s this pchallenge’ that you’re on about?”

  “I want you to meet my friends. I miss them, and they really want to meet you.”

  His gaze dropped to the floor.

  “Okay, I guess it’s time.”

  He didn’t look thrilled by the idea, but he didn’t object either.

  I spoke to Nicole first.

  “He’s doing much better now, and I’d like you to meet him. We want to invite you over this weekend.”

  “Oh, he’s finally going to let you see the light of day, is he, Lee?”

  I was taken aback.

  “That’s… harsh. He’s been ill, Nic.”

  I could sense her indignant and judgmental silence on the other end of the line.

  “Okay,” she said, rather reluctantly. “Yes, of course I’ll be there. Do you want me to talk to Jenna and Alice?”

  “No, that’s fine,” I said, trying to keep my tone neutral and the hurt I felt out of my voice. “I should make the calls. Come for lunch?”

  As Saturday approached, I threw myself into a frenzy of cooking. I’d dragged Sebastian all over Long Beach to get the ingredients I wanted. He was beginning to look much more like himself. Although he was still very slender, he was beginning to pile the muscle weight back on. His hair was longer than I was used to seeing it, turning into a crazy, blond mop.

  “Thought I’d grow it for a bit,” he said casually.

  “Fine by me,” I grinned, tugging a lock in my hand.

  Day by day, he was looking more like the surfer boy I’d fallen in love with. He still had bad days and some very bad nights, and he was still in a considerable amount of pain from the shrapnel wounds in his thigh. But on good days he was able to walk without a cane, although he still had a significant limp.

  “I spoke to Ches while you were out,” he said casually.

  “You did?”

  I was pleased that he’d finally gotten around to talking to his friend – but nervous about what had been said: particularly about me.

  “And?”

  “He said he and Amy would fly out for our wedding.”

  I caught my breath and stared at him.

  “If you still want to marry me, Caro?”

  The small stone of grief that I’d been carrying in my heart melted away.

  “Of course I do, Sebastian. I… I thought you’d changed your mind.”

  He shook his head slowly, his eyes full of love.

  “Never that, Caro, but I didn’t want to marry you if… if I couldn’t be a man… with you. And I promised myself I wouldn’t be using a fucking
stick when I walked down the aisle.”

  “They don’t have aisles in City Hall,” I said, somewhere between a laugh and a sob.

  He gathered me into his arms and rocked me slowly, repeatedly kissing my hair.

  “So what else did Ches say?” I mumbled into his chest.

  I was pleased that I’d managed to get the words out without sounding too pathetically shaky.

  “He said that he’d decided if he still hadn’t heard from me by Labor Day, he was going to come out here and kick my ass himself.”

  “Good idea,” I agreed with a murmur, “he should do that anyway. Did he say anything about me?”

  Sebastian smiled.

  “I guess he was surprised – and pleased, I think – that you hadn’t kicked me out. He’s cool, Caro, don’t worry about him.”

  “And Amy?”

  “Oh, she just wants to kick my ass, period.”

  I smiled. “I think I’ll get along with her.”

  “That’s what I’m afraid of,” muttered Sebastian.

  He was only half joking.

  He held my face gently and looked into my eyes.

  “Just promise me you won’t turn into one of those bat-shit crazy women about the whole wedding thing, Caro.”

  “Such sweet nothings you whisper,” I teased him. “Don’t worry, Sebastian, that’s not my style.” I slapped his chest. “I don’t care if I get married in jeans.”

  “Jeans?” he said, raising his eyebrows.

  “Well, my favorite jeans,” I replied, with a challenging stare.

  “Okay, jeans. Cool.”

  Sebastian was nervous about meeting my friends, understandably, perhaps. I tried to reassure him, but he felt they’d be judging him: he was undoubtedly right.

  He looked delicious in a white T-shirt and blue jeans, and, with his bare feet jammed into a pair of flip-flops, he looked like he’d just strolled off the beach. Except for the fact that when he walked, he still had a pronounced limp.

  I heard Nicole’s car pull up and I leaned out of the window, waving excitedly. I pretended not to hear Sebastian murmur, “Incoming.”

  I ran out of the door, and Alice leapt on me first, hugging me tightly.

  “Oh my God! It’s so good to see you, Lee!”

  “You’ve lost weight, beotch!” yelled Nicole, grappling me around the waist, and smearing a lipstick kiss onto my cheek.

  “I’ve brought chocolate and champagne,” sang Jenna, flinging her arms around me.

  And then Nicole shrieked.

  “Omigod! Omigod! Is that what I think it is?”

  She grabbed my left hand and stared at my engagement ring. There were loud gasps and shocked looks from Alice and Jenna.

  I nodded.

  “You guys are all invited to a wedding in the Fall,” I said, quietly.

  At that, there were loud shrieks and cries of congratulations, plus a few tears. They all hugged me again but I was growing uncomfortable, aware that Sebastian would be watching, and waiting for us to come in.

  “When did this happen?” said Alice, grabbing my hand again to look at the ring.

  “That’s a nice piece of rock, Venzi,” murmured Nicole. “But are you sure about this? I mean right now, the way everything is…”

  “I’ll tell you all about it later. Just be… cool, okay?”

  “Well, come on,” said Nicole, rather tersely, “let’s meet the paragon.”

  “Nic!” I said, my voice warning.

  She held up her hands. “I’ll be good.”

  Which didn’t fill me with hope.

  Sebastian was standing in the middle of the living room when my friends walked inside. I could tell he was nervous, but to anyone who didn’t know him, he would have merely appeared arrogant.

  I introduced everyone, and Nicole couldn’t help herself, running her eyes up and down Sebastian’s body: it was practically a Pavlovian response with her when she saw a cute guy. Jenna and Alice had taken sneaky peeks, too; they were just more subtle about it.

  The girls settled themselves around the room, and then an uncomfortable silence descended, with everyone’s eyes fixed on me. I could tell Sebastian was feeling overwhelmed at having so many people in our small home, so I smiled at him, took his hand, and led him back to his favorite chair.

  I could see the pitying faces of my friends as they watched Sebastian limp painfully across the room. I wished they wouldn’t – Sebastian loathed being pitied – but their reaction was understandable.

  I perched on the arm of his chair, and he rested his hand on my knee. It was as if he needed physical contact with me to get him through what he clearly saw as an ordeal.

  “Well, you know what I’ve been doing,” I said, calmly. “I want to know what all of you’ve been up to.”

  Gradually the conversation began to flow. Sebastian was silent at first, but slowly Alice began to draw him out, asking about his plans to go back to school.

  “I was going to study Italian and English Lit,” he admitted, “but that kinda got interrupted.” He glanced at me and I squeezed his hand. “But I don’t know now.”

  “Lee says you speak several Arab languages, too.”

  “Plus Italian and French,” I added.

  Sebastian looked slightly embarrassed. “Well, yeah, I can speak Arabic, but I don’t read it well.”

  “Could that be something for you?” she asked.

  He shrugged. “I thought maybe I’d look into some paralegal studies. I’ve kinda been helping out a neighbor who’s got immigration problems.”

  “You didn’t tell me about that idea, Sebastian?” I said, delighted that he was planning ahead.

  “I haven’t decided anything yet, Caro, I’m still thinking about it.”

  “Well, there’s plenty of time – you don’t have to decide now.”

  “No, I can just continue sponging off you,” he said, quietly.

  He was still refusing to touch his disability pay checks, and the money was collecting dust in his bank account.

  The conversation died away, my friends staring everywhere but at us.

  “Sebastian, no,” I whispered, really upset.

  “It’s what all your friends are thinking, Caro,” he said heatedly. “I can see it in their eyes.”

  “Don’t assume you know what I’m thinking,” snapped Jenna.

  “I agree,” said Nicole, evenly. “Because I was actually thinking that nearly dying in the service of your country earns you the right to have some time off – and if my friend is having as many orgasms as she says she is, you must be doing something right.”

  Sebastian looked startled, then amused.

  “Is that what she said?” he murmured, glancing over to me, before fixing his gaze on Nicole.

  “I’m paraphrasing, of course,” replied Nicole, meeting his eyes.

  Sebastian shrugged. “She taught me everything I know.”

  Jenna chuckled, and Alice laughed out loud.

  “Don’t mind me,” I said, my face glowing beet red.

  “Later, baby,” said Sebastian, taking my hand and grazing my knuckles with a kiss.

  There was a knock at the door, which was a welcome interruption to my public embarrassment.

  “I’ll get it,” said Sebastian, pulling himself out of the chair.

  Nicole’s eyes followed him across the room, then she turned to smile at me and winked.

  “You and I will be having words,” I hissed at her.

  “Just telling him the way it is, Lee. He didn’t seem to mind: I don’t know, is he the kind of guy who keeps score, because I dated a musician once who used to make a note of my orgasms in his diary, not that he could even tell which ones were faked.”

  “I’ve never faked one,” I batted back at her.

  “God, I hate you!” she said.

  I was half-listening for Sebastian’s voice at the front door. When he switched from English, I guessed who our new visitor must be.

  Nervously, Atash made his way into the
room, smiling at my friends, while they turned to stare, giving brief, puzzled smiles back.

  “Hi, Atash,” I said, and quickly introduced them to him.