by D. Kelly
“Zack, you’re okay!” she sobs in relief as she slowly realizes it was just another nightmare.
“Shh, I’m fine. He can’t hurt us anymore, either of us.” She turns over and throws herself at me, hugging me tightly. Her tears are still flowing and I feel utterly helpless.
“He was… and you were… oh God, it was just a dream.” She kisses me with a hunger of someone seeking something they’ve lost and my heart aches. Her tears are still falling and splashing onto my cheeks. I wish he’d die so she’d be out of her misery; all the years of torture are still following her. I’ve got to get her to go to therapy. She has to deal with this, confront it head on once and for all.
“It was just a dream, Cassidy, just a dream,” I reiterate to her over and over. Over her shoulder, the bedside clock shows it’s four a.m. A little while later, Cassidy falls back asleep but my mind is turning. I wanted to recreate as many of our important firsts as I could but I feel like I’m running out of time. Maybe reliving the past isn’t the way to go after all. Maybe making new memories should be my goal, instead.
Carefully extricating myself from Cassidy’s embrace, I take a much needed trip to the bathroom. When I’m finished, I take a seat in one of the library chairs and watch the beginnings of a beautiful sunrise over the ocean. This feels like home and suddenly, I know this is the house we’re meant to raise our family in. I want our kids to be raised in paradise, with parents who love them. If we’re away from her parents, maybe she’ll relax easier. Both of us can do what we love here with no pressure. Isn’t that what’s best for kids, anyway? To see their parents happy no matter how that happiness comes?
As I lean back in the chair, trying to relax, I can’t stop picturing Cassidy as a stay at home mom. I know she’s terrified of becoming a mother, but I also know no one has as much love to give as she does. Our kids will be extremely blessed to have her. I want a family now; I just wish she agreed.
If she would have slept better last night, I would have woken her up to watch the sunrise with me but after the night she had, it’s better to let her sleep. My phone is on the charger next to me and the message light is flashing. I need to text Pete, anyway, so I grab it off the charger and check the messages.
There’s an email from my mom and a text from Rylee that just says ‘sorry.’ Great. Before I even go there, I’ve got to text Pete.
Can you move the appointment for me to today if possible? I’ll pay triple.
A few minutes pass before he answers back, but I still haven’t read the email.
Done, but he could only get you in after the show. Will 8 pm work?
I don’t want to leave Cassidy alone but I’ve got to get this done.
That’s fine. Can you stay with Cassidy and keep her company while I’m gone? It should only take a few hours.
I’m sure Cassidy will enjoy trying to get to know Pete better since she wants him to hook up with Ry. I’m still not sure about my sister hooking up with my friend; that could get seriously awkward.
Of course I can.
Good, at least that’s taken care of.
Thanks, see you then.
Now, on to my mother’s email. I wish I had coffee for this but I’m not leaving Cassidy up here alone. I take a deep breath and open her email.
Zachary,
Your sister forgot her phone yesterday when she came to pick up some pictures. I know you’re aware your father hasn’t been home and I was worried, so I went through her phone. Imagine my surprise to find out my entire family will be in Hawaii by the weekend. Your father and I need to talk. I’m sure you can understand that as you’ve chased after Cassidy again.
I’m sure you won’t believe me and you have every right to your feelings, but I’m proud of you, Zachary. I’d like to talk to you and Cassidy alone, if possible, at some point. We have a lot to discuss. I don’t have much to say in my defense except I thought I was protecting you both and I hope someday you’ll forgive me. I’ll be flying in tomorrow and will be in touch.
I love you,
Mom
Great, just what we need—an invasion from my mother. If there’s one thing I know about Priscilla Stafford, it’s that she’ll want to deal with my dad first. That’s good for us because he won’t let her come here alone, regardless of what she wants. Hopefully, he’s ready to battle this out with her.
I’ve been so distracted by her email I didn’t even hear Cassidy get out of bed. “Good morning,” she says as she sits on my lap and places a soft kiss on my lips.
“Good morning,” I greet her with a smile.
“Why didn’t you wake me to watch the sunrise with you?”
“I just thought you deserved your sleep after your nightmare last night.” Confusion clouds her eyes for a moment. Sometimes she doesn’t remember her dreams right away and I always feel like an ass reminding her but at some point, she always remembers and gets angry when I don’t tell her.
“Oh, yeah, it was a bad one, wasn’t it?” she murmurs and I nod. I turn her face toward mine and meet her blue eyes with mine.
“Cassidy, it’s time.” She nods but doesn’t say a word. “I’ll go with you if you want me to. You won’t have to go through any of this alone but it will make you feel better. I promise.”
“How can you be so sure?” she snaps at me. Guess I’m not the only one who needs coffee this morning.
This is another one of those secrets that finally needs to come out. We’ve never kept much from each other since we’re best friends but this was important, and she would have freaked.
Hell, she’s still going to freak, but it’s time.
“Because I went to therapy for over a year when we were seventeen.” She gasps and covers her mouth with her hand. The hurt expression she’s wearing makes me feel like absolute shit.
“I’m sorry I never told you, but I couldn’t.”
“Why, Zack? We tell each other everything.”
Almost everything. She doesn’t tell me Ry’s secrets.
“I needed to talk to someone after that night. She helped me so much, Cassidy. Not only with what happened and how I felt watching him do that to you, but also with how I felt about almost losing you that night. I was a mess.” My confession stuns her.
“You… you seemed fine. You helped me so much and took care of me.” Her eyes are filled with tears.
“I wasn’t fine, I was a total and complete mess. Your dad almost killed you and I didn’t stop him.”
“Zack!” she cries out in disbelief. “There was nothing you could have done. You were hurt. Neither of us expected him to attack me like that. He’d never hit my face before…”
“Still, I didn’t feel like that at the time. The therapist not only helped me work through it, but she taught me techniques I used to help you. You were always so scared to let me love you. She showed me helpful ways to reinforce my love to you. It started getting better after that night but it’s only these past few days I really feel like you’ve truly begun to let me in.”
That’s it. My confession is out and Cassidy looks horrified. She doesn’t say anything for a long time. She just sits and stares blankly at me, but I don’t think she’s actually seeing me.
“Hey, it’s okay,” I tell her while tenderly caressing her cheek. “I’m glad I went. She really helped me understand things. That’s why I know therapy will be good for you because until you go, you don’t really understand how things are affecting you.”
“I can’t believe my fucked up life drove you to therapy and you kept it a secret all these years.” She’s hurt, but the underlying tone of her voice is disgusted.
“Stop it, Cassidy.” My tone is firm and I’m not going to put up with her blaming herself for what was completely out of her control.
“This was not your fault, none of it was your fault. Your dad is sick. He’s an alcoholic with anger management issues who likes to beat on kids. He’s a sick fuck…”
“Stop, Zack, please,” she interrupts my rant and starts to c
ry. “He was abused, too. My grandma sexually abused him.”
What?
“I’ve pieced it together over the years. He wasn’t like this until we moved into her house. He was a good dad when I was little. He tucked me in at night and read me stories, and he’s never once been sexually inappropriate with me. I was his little princess. When she died, he started drinking and when we moved into the house it got worse, and that’s when the beating and the other stuff started.”
Holy fuck.
“It’s not an excuse, Cassidy. If anything, it makes it worse.” How can you be abused and then abuse your own kid?
“I know,” she answers quietly. “But it messed him up. Things like that mess with a child’s psyche.”
“This is why you’re so terrified to have kids.” It’s a statement but she answers anyway.
“It is. If he went from such a good dad to the person he is now, how do I know that won’t happen to me?” She’s curled up in a ball now in my lap and I hug her close, running my fingers through her hair.
“I’m not sure how you’ll know for sure but I think therapy can help you figure that out. What I can tell you is I know you’ll never do that. You’d have never become a teacher if you thought you might hurt a child, Cassidy. The kids in your class thrive because of the love you give them.” She wraps her arms around my neck and lays her head on my shoulder.
“Your capacity for love is limitless. I’ve not only seen it but I feel it every single day. You forgive with a grace I’ve never known anyone to have. Those qualities are not the qualities of someone who could do the things your dad did. Promise me you’ll go to therapy, if not for you, do it for me. Better yet, do it for us.”
I’ve never asked her for anything except her love and her hand in marriage but I’m not giving up on this. Especially not now after finding out about John’s past. I feel bad for what he went through, but it doesn’t give him carte blanche to beat his daughter.
“Okay,” she whispers quietly.
Thank God.
“Thank you. Now, I hate to be the bearer of bad news before coffee but I received an email from my mom. She’s coming to the island tomorrow to talk to my dad and while she’s here, at some point, she’d like to talk to us.”
Cassidy leans back and raises an eyebrow at me and I chuckle.
“I know, I was surprised, as well. Her email was short and to the point but she said she was protecting us both. I’m not sure what that means but I’ll guess we’ll find out. Together. She’s not scaring you off again.”
“No one is scaring me off again, Zack. I’m done running.” The sincerity in her tone floors me. With each passing day, she’s continuing to let me further and further in. I know we had a breakthrough last night but after her nightmare, I wasn’t sure.
“Good. Let’s shower and get some breakfast and figure out what to do with our day. I have a meeting that is going to take a few hours tonight, so Pete is going to come and stay with you while I’m gone.”
She stands and her eyes sparkle like crazy.
“Don’t grill him too hard, okay? Let Ry pick his brain herself. She needs to work for it if she wants him,” I add, laughing.
“Not too hard, just enough to give her something to go on. I’m actually surprised you’re okay with this,” she answers with a smile as she turns the shower on.
“Well, I’ll admit it’s a little strange. And if they get together, I definitely don’t want details. But her dating Pete isn’t as bad as if she was dating Nick.” And there it is! I fucking knew it. Just that slight pause she took while removing her shirt was all I needed to confirm my suspicions.
I’ll fucking kill him!
“Cassidy,” I call out to her firmly, but she tries to evade me by ducking into the shower. This is the shit that happens when people keep secrets. After hastily removing my boxers, I open the shower door and join her. She continues to lather up her hair, ignoring my presence.
“How long?” I ask, pulling the loofah from its hook and soaping it up with her favorite coconut scented body wash. While I soap up her chest, she closes her eyes and rinses out her hair, still ignoring me. Stubborn fucking woman. It’s okay, I’ll wait until she’s done; she can’t keep her eyes closed all day.
After what seems like an eternity, she finally locks her blue eyes onto mine and sighs. “Zack, I’ve already told you… Rylee’s secrets, whatever they are, aren’t mine to tell.”
“What about Nick’s secrets? Your loyalty is with me, not him,” I snap back at her.
“Nick hasn’t taken me into his confidences. He’s your best friend, not mine,” she replies back just as snottily as I probably deserve, but I don’t care.
“It’s a technicality and you know it. I want to know how long my best friend has been fucking my sister behind my back!” She takes a step backward and eyes me wearily. I’ve never had this much anger directed at her. I want to say I’m sorry for being angry, but I’m not going to.
“I shouldn’t be directing my anger at you, I apologize. Do you have any idea how much this hurts my feelings that the three of you have been hiding this from me? What’s it been… years?” Her expression softens and she ponders my words.
“It’s not like that and I’d really like to honor my promise and not spill the beans any more than I already have. Would you rather hear the details from Ry or Nick? Because as soon as I finish conditioning my hair, I’m going to go call one of them and have whichever one explain it to you.”
Great. Do I want to hear my sister tell me about her illicit affair with my best friend or do I want to hear my best friend tell me how he banged the fuck out of my sister?
“Neither. I want to hear it from you. Call them both and give them a choice to come clean or you’re going to tell me.” The war raging in her mind is obvious and if I weren’t so pissed, it would almost be cute. This isn’t fair to her and I know that but if I talk to either of them, I’m likely to say something I can’t take back.
Tell her that.
She’s biting her lip, probably in a strong effort not to tell me to go fuck myself. “Look, if I talk to either of them right now I’m likely to say something I can’t take back. If you at least call them beforehand, you won’t be breaking any confidences.”
“Okay, Zack. If that’s the way it needs to happen, fine. Just keep in mind this wasn’t my secret to tell before you get angry with me again once you know what happened.”
“I’m not angry with you. Well, maybe a little, but mostly I’m hurt and angry at them. They should have come to me.”
“Maybe, but let’s be honest for a minute.” She pauses as she exits the shower and wraps a towel around her hair then another around her beautiful body. “We don’t talk to them about our sex life. Unless you and Nick are having conversations I’m not aware of?”
“No, we’re not,” I state firmly.
“Good, so not to beat a dead horse here, but how is it your business what Nick and Ry are doing? You don’t want details of your sister’s sex life and I’m sure you don’t want Nick going into detail about what he did to your sister.”
“Hell no, I don’t.” Just the thought of that makes me somewhat ill.
“So, again, tell me why you get to be angry?”
“It’s a guy thing, Cassidy, a respect thing. It should also be a sister thing, too. Don’t bang your sibling’s best friend. Nick should have come to me if he had feelings for her and vice versa with Ry.”
“I didn’t go to Ry and ask for permission to have sex with you.”
Why is she being so frustrating today?
“That’s completely different and you know it. Besides, if I remember correctly, Ry was encouraging you to have sex with me long before we actually did.” A flush creeps into her cheeks and I know I’ve got her.
“I’m going to get dressed, make some coffee, then make some calls. When you’re ready, come downstairs and we’ll talk.” Her exasperated tone is just the beginning. If I don’t nip this in the bud now, sh
e’ll be in a bad mood all day.
“Thank you, Cassidy. I love you,” I call after her and she pauses at the door.
“I love you, too. I’ll see you downstairs.”
Thirty minutes later, I’m showered, dressed, and in desperate need of coffee. As I walk down the stairs, I’m struck by the scent of coffee and cinnamon. Cinnamon means French toast and that means she’s not mad anymore.
When I walk into the kitchen, she’s pulling the last of the French toast off of the griddle. There are freshly sliced strawberries, bananas, and blueberries in bowls on the table and sausage. She’s been busy.
She hands me a cup of coffee and I follow her to the table. “How did you manage to do all of this and make phone calls at the same time?” I ask in awe.
I’m met with a gorgeous smile and a slight shake of her head. “It’s called a speakerphone. Something you should probably familiarize yourself with. Maybe it would help you get home earlier if you were multi-tasking more.”
She’s joking with me but I play it to my advantage. With a shrug of my shoulders, I respond, “Eh, that doesn’t matter anymore. I’m not going to have anymore late nights.”
She’s cracking up and I flash her a smirk. “How are you going to guarantee that?” she asks, out of breath from her laughing fit.
“Easy, I’m quitting for good. I want to be here, Cassidy. I want to raise our family in this house. I want to grow old with you in paradise.”
“You’re serious.” I nod enthusiastically
“This will make you happy?” she questions, and I nod again.
“Can I think about it for a little while?”
“Of course, it’s a big decision. I’m just letting you know my take on it.” I’ve stunned her. That doesn’t happen too often. I kind of love the feeling.
We eat in silence as we both consider the gravity of what I’ve just confessed and once we’re finished, she clears the table.