by Nora Roberts
Kissing him was like sliding down a cool river toward churning white water.
The sound of pleasure came deep in his throat as she pressed against him. The shyness was still there, but without the reserve and hesitation. Now there was only sweetness and an offering.
It was like this each time they came together. Exhilarating, stunning and right. He cupped the back of her head in his hand as she leaned over him. The light zing of the wine hadn’t completely faded from her tongue. He tasted it, and her, as she explored his mouth. He sensed a boldness growing in her that hadn’t been there before, a new confidence that caused her to come to him with her own demands and needs.
Her heart was open, he thought as her lips raced over his throat. And Hester was free. He’d wanted this for her—for them. With something like a laugh, he rolled over her and began to drive her toward madness.
She couldn’t get enough of him. She took her hands, her mouth, over him quickly, almost fiercely, but found it impossible to assuage the greed. How could she have known a man could feel so good, so exciting? How could she have known that the scent of his skin would make her head reel and her desires sharpen? Just her name murmured in his voice aroused her.
Locked together, they tumbled over the sheets, tangling in the blanket, shoving it aside because the need for its warmth was long past. He moved as quickly as she, discovering new secrets to delight and torment her. She heard him gasp out her name as she ranged kisses over his chest. She felt his body tense and arch as she moved her hands lower.
Perhaps the power had always been there inside her, but Hester was certain it had been born in her that night. The power to arouse a man past the civilized, and perhaps past the wise. Wise or not, she gloried in it when he trapped her beneath him and let desire rule.
His mouth was hot and hungry as it raced over her. Demands, promises, pleas swirled through her head, but she couldn’t speak. Even her breath was trapped as he drove her up and up. She caught him close, as though he were a lifeline in a sea that raged.
Then they both went under.
Chapter 12
The sky was cloudy and threatening snow. Half dozing, Hester turned away from the window to reach for Mitch. The bed beside her was rumpled but empty.
Had he left her during the night? she wondered as she ran her hand over the sheets where he’d slept. Her first reaction was disappointment. It would have been so sweet to have had him there to turn to in the morning. Then she drew her hand back and cupped it under her cheek.
Perhaps it was best that he’d gone. She couldn’t be sure how Radley would feel. If Mitch was there to reach out to, she knew it would only become more difficult to keep herself from doing so again and again. No one knew how hard and painfully she’d worked to stop herself from needing anyone. Now, after all the years of struggling, she’d just begun to see real progress. She’d made a good home for Radley in a good neighborhood and had a strong, well-paying job. Security, stability.
She couldn’t risk those things again for the emotional morass that came with depending on someone else. But she was already beginning to depend on him, Hester thought as she pushed back the blankets. No matter how much her head told her it was best that he wasn’t here, she was sorry he wasn’t. She was sorry, sorrier than he could ever know, that she was strong enough to stand apart from him.
Hester slipped on her robe and went to see if Radley wanted breakfast.
She found them together, hunched over the keyboard of Radley’s computer while graphics exploded on the screen. “This thing’s defective,” Mitch insisted. “That was a dead-on shot.”
“You missed by a mile.”
“I’m going to tell your mother you need glasses. Look, this is definite interference. How am I supposed to concentrate when this stupid cat’s chewing on my toes?”
“Poor sportsmanship,” Radley said soberly as Mitch’s last man was obliterated.
“Poor sportsmanship! I’ll show you poor sportsmanship.” With that he snatched Radley up and held him upside down. “Now is this machine defective, or what?”
“No.” Giggling, Radley braced his hands on the floor. “Maybe you need glasses.”
“I’m going to have to drop you on your head. You really leave me no choice. Oh, hi, Hester.” With his arm hooked around Radley’s legs, he smiled at her.
“Hi, Mom!” Though his cheeks were turning pink, Radley was delighted with his upside-down position. “I beat Mitch three times. But he’s not really mad.”
“Says who?” Mitch flipped the boy upright, then dropped him lightly on the bed. “I’ve been humiliated.”
“I destroyed him,” Radley said with satisfaction.
“I can’t believe I slept through it.” She offered them both a cautious smile. It didn’t seem as though Radley was anything but delighted to find Mitch here. As for herself, she wasn’t having an easy time keeping the pleasure down, either. “I suppose after three major battles you’d both like some breakfast.”
“We already ate.” Radley leaned over the bed to reach for the kitten. “I showed Mitch how to make French toast. He said it was real good.”
“That was before you cheated.”
“I did not.” Radley rolled on his back and let the kitten creep up his stomach. “Mitch washed the pan, and I dried it. We were going to fix you some, but you just kept on sleeping.”
The idea of the two men in her life fiddling in the kitchen while she slept left her flustered. “I guess I didn’t expect anyone to be up so early.”
“Hester,” Mitch stepped closer to swing an arm over her shoulders. “I hate to break this to you, but it’s after eleven.”
“Eleven?”
“Yeah. How about lunch?”
“Well, I . . .”
“You think about it. I guess I should go down and take care of Taz.”
“I’ll do it.” Radley was up and bouncing. “I can give him his food and take him for a walk and everything. I know how; you showed me.”
“It’s okay with me. Hester?”
She was having trouble just keeping up. “All right. But you’ll have to bundle up.”
“I will.” He was already reaching for his coat. “Can I bring Taz back with me? He hasn’t met Zark yet.”
Hester glanced at the tiny ball of fur, thinking of Taz’s big white teeth. “I don’t know if Taz would care for Zark.”
“He loves cats,” Mitch assured her as he picked up Radley’s ski cap off the floor. “In a purely nonthreatening way.” He reached in his pocket for his keys.
“Be careful,” she called as Radley rushed by, jingling Mitch’s keys. The front door slammed with a vengeance.
“Good morning,” Mitch said, and turned her into his arms.
“Good morning. You could have woken me up.”
“It was tempting.” He ran his hands up the back of her robe. “Actually, I was going to make some coffee and bring you in a cup. Then Radley came in. Before I knew it, I was up to my wrists in egg batter.”
“He, ah, didn’t wonder what you were doing here?”
“No.” Knowing exactly how her mind was working, he kissed the tip of her nose. Then, shifting her to his side, he began to walk with her to the kitchen. “He came in while I was boiling water and asked if I was fixing breakfast. After a brief consultation, we decided he was the better qualified of the two. There’s some coffee left, but I think you’d be better off pouring it out and starting again.”
“I’m sure it’s fine.”
“I love an optimist.”
She almost managed a smile as she reached in the refrigerator for the milk. “I thought you’d gone.”
“Would you rather I had?”
She shook her head but didn’t look at him. “Mitch, it’s so hard. It just keeps getting harder.”
“What does?”
“Trying not to want you here like this all the time.”
“Say the word, and I’ll move in, bag and dog.”
“I wish I could. I reall
y wish I could. Mitch, when I walked into Rad’s bedroom this morning and saw the two of you together, something just clicked. I stood there thinking this is the way it could be for us.”
“That’s the way it will be for us, Hester.”
“You’re so sure.” With a small laugh, she turned to lean her palms on the counter. “You’re so absolutely sure and have been almost from the beginning. Maybe that’s one of the things that frightens me.”
“A light went on for me when I saw you, Hester.” He came closer to put his hands on her shoulders. “I haven’t gone through my life knowing exactly what I wanted, and I can’t claim that everything always goes the way I’d planned, but with you I’m sure.” He pressed his lips to her hair. “Do you love me, Hester?”
“Yes.” With a long sigh, she shut her eyes. “Yes, I love you.”
“Then marry me.” Gently he turned her around to face him. “I won’t ask you to change anything but your name.”
She wanted to believe him, to believe it was possible to start a new life just once more. Her heart was thudding hard against her ribs as she wrapped her arms around him. Take the chance, it seemed to be telling her. Don’t throw love away. Her fingers tensed against him. “Mitch, I—” When the phone rang, Hester let out a pent-up breath. “I’m sorry.”
“So am I,” he muttered, but released her.
Her legs were still unsteady as she picked up the receiver to the wall phone. “Hello.” The giddiness fled and with it all the blossoming pleasure. “Allan.”
Mitch looked around quickly. Her eyes were as flat as her voice. She’d already twisted the phone cord around her hand as if she wanted to anchor herself. “Fine,” she said. “We’re both fine. Florida? I thought you were in San Diego.”
So he’d moved again, Hester thought as she listened to the familiar voice, restless as ever. She listened with the cold patience of experience as he told her how wonderful, how terrific, how incredibly he was doing.
“Rad isn’t here at the moment,” she told him, though Allan hadn’t asked. “If you want to wish him a happy birthday, I can have him call you back.” There was a pause, and Mitch saw her eyes change and the anger come. “Yesterday.” She set her teeth, then took a long breath through them. “He’s ten, Allan. Radley was ten yesterday. Yes, I’m sure it’s difficult for you to imagine.”
She fell silent again, listening. The dull anger lodged itself in her throat, and when she spoke again, her voice was hollow. “Congratulations. Hard feelings?” She didn’t care for the sound of her own laugh. “No, Allan, there are no feelings whatsoever. All right, then, good luck. I’m sorry, that’s as enthusiastic as it gets. I’ll tell Radley you called.”
She hung up, careful to bolt down the need to slam down the receiver. Slowly she unwound the cord which was biting into her hand.
“You okay?”
She nodded and walked to the stove to pour coffee she didn’t want. “He called to tell me he’s getting married again. He thought I’d be interested.”
“Does it matter?”
“No.” She sipped it black and welcomed the bitterness. “What he does stopped mattering years ago. He didn’t know it was Radley’s birthday.” The anger came bubbling to the surface no matter how hard she tried to keep it submerged. “He didn’t even know how old he was.” She slammed the cup down so that coffee sloshed over the sides. “Radley stopped being real for him the minute he walked out the door. All he had to do was shut it behind him.”
“What difference does it make now?”
“He’s Radley’s father.”
“No.” His own anger sprang out. “That’s something you’ve got to work out of your system, something you’ve got to start accepting. The only part he played in Rad’s life was biological. There’s no trick to that, and no automatic bond of loyalty comes with it.”
“He has a responsibility.”
“He doesn’t want it, Hester.” Struggling for patience, he took her hands. “He’s cut himself off from Rad completely. No one’s going to call that admirable, and it’s obvious it wasn’t done for the boy’s sake. But would you rather have him strolling in and out of Radley’s life at his own whim, leaving the kid confused and hurting?”
“No, but I—”
“You want him to care, and he doesn’t care.” Though her hands remained in his, he felt the change. “You’re pulling back from me.”
It was true. She could regret it, but she couldn’t stop it. “I don’t want to.”
“But you are.” This time, it was he who pulled away. “It only took a phone call.”
“Mitch, please try to understand.”
“I’ve been trying to understand.” There was an edge to his voice now that she hadn’t heard before. “The man left you, and it hurt, but it’s been over a long time.”
“It’s not the hurt,” she began, then dragged a hand through her hair. “Or maybe it is, partly. I don’t want to go through that ever again, the fear, the emptiness. I loved him. You have to understand that maybe I was young, maybe I was stupid, but I loved him.”
“I’ve always understood that,” he said, though he didn’t like to hear it. “A woman like you doesn’t make promises lightly.”
“No, when I make them, I mean to keep them. I wanted to keep this one.” She picked up the coffee again, wrapping both hands around the cup to keep them warm. “I can’t tell you how badly I wanted to keep my marriage together, how hard I tried. I gave up part of myself when I married Allan. He told me we were going to move to New York, we were going to do things in a big way, and I went. Leaving my home, my family and friends was the most terrifying thing I’d ever done, but I went because he wanted it. Almost everything I did during our marriage I did because he wanted it. And because it was easier to go along than to refuse. I built my life around his. Then, at the age of twenty, I discovered I didn’t have a life at all.”
“So you made one, for yourself and for Radley. That’s something to be proud of.”
“I am. It’s taken me eight years, eight years to feel I’m really on solid ground again. Now there’s you.”
“Now there’s me,” he said slowly, watching her. “And you just can’t get past the idea that I’ll pull the rug out from under you again.”
“I don’t want to be that woman again.” She said the words desperately, searching for the answers even as she struggled to give them to him. “A woman who focuses all her needs and goals around someone else. If I found myself alone this time, I’m not sure I could stand up again.”
“Listen to yourself. You’d rather be alone now than risk the fact that things might not work out for the next fifty years? Take a good look at me, Hester, I’m not Allan Wallace. I’m not asking you to bury yourself to make me happy. It’s the woman you are today who I love, the woman you are today who I want to spend my life with.”
“People change, Mitch.”
“And they can change together.” He drew a deep breath. “Or they can change separately. Why don’t you let me know when you make up your mind what you want to do?”
She opened her mouth, then closed it again when he walked away. She didn’t have the right to call him back.
***
He shouldn’t complain, Mitch thought as he sat at his new keyboard and toyed with the next scene in his script. The work was going better than he’d expected—and faster. It was becoming easy for him to bury himself in Zark’s problems and let his own stew.
At this point, Zark was waiting by Leilah’s bedside, praying that she would survive the freak accident that had left her beauty intact but her brain damaged. Of course, when she awoke, she would be a stranger. His wife of two years would become his greatest enemy, her mind as brilliant as ever but warped and evil. All his plans and dreams would be shattered forever. Whole galaxies would be in peril.
“You think you’ve got problems?” Mitch muttered. “Things aren’t exactly bouncing along for me, either.”
Eyes narrowed, he studied the screen. The a
tmosphere was good, he thought as he tipped back. Mitch didn’t have any problem imagining a twenty-third-century hospital room. He didn’t have any trouble imagining Zark’s distress or the madness brewing in Leilah’s unconscious brain. What he did have trouble imagining was his life without Hester.
“Stupid.” The dog at his feet yawned in agreement. “What I should do is go down to that damn bank and drag her out. She’d love that, wouldn’t she?” he said with a laugh as he pushed away from the machine and stretched. “I could beg.” Mitch rolled that around in his mind and found it uncomfortable. “I could, but we’d probably both be sorry. There’s not much left after reasoning, and I’ve