I go, Actually, you know what? No presents, I said. Brilliant idea: no presents, no gifts, no giving. Cam reached over and grabbed my hand, like it or not, pulling me forward, and then he turned my hand and bit the side, waiting to see what I’d do. Doesn’t hurt, I said, watching him, and then he bit harder. Nothing, I said, taunting him, and then he bit hard enough his teeth were showing. I just held still, watching his front teeth making a mark, feeling them reaching the bones in my hand. Still can’t feel it, I said, and I knew it should hurt, but I still didn’t feel a thing. Nope, I said, and watching his lips pull back, I knew he was about to bite as hard as he could—.
Cameron, let me get you a menu, son, Sharon said, stepping forward, and Cam released my hand, wiping his mouth with the back side of his hand, and I pulled my sleeve down, over my wrist, so Sharon wouldn’t see how deep the teeth marks were. Have a sip of this, and cool yourself off, honey, Sharon said, setting down Cam’s second refill of lemonade. We didn’t take our eyes off each other the whole time, and I knew he knew what I was thinking: Didn’t feel a thing, bite as hard as you like. I wasn’t going to cry uncle. Ah, young love, Sharon said, sighing, and I had to look out the window, biting the inside of my lip to keep from laughing. It was almost dark, and I could see Cam’s reflection, his beautiful face grinning back at me in the diner window, and just above his head, the first star in the sky.
FRIDAY, MAY 27, 2011
(EIGHT WEEKS LATER)
7:12 PM
I looked like a bag lady. Then, when Knox opened the door, seeing me, standing there with all these bags of clothes, Knox’s face looked like he had this terrifying thought that I was going to ask him if I could move in with them. I said, Relax. I’m giving Mel a makeover, that’s all.
Knox had to work late, and Heather’s mom was really sick, so she was out of town every weekend, so I asked if I could hang with Mel. At first, I didn’t think Knox would agree, but then he helped me rearrange the furniture so I could set up a table for makeup and a mirror. All set, I said, meaning he could leave, and then he gave Mel a kiss good-bye, telling her to be good. Thea, if anything happens, he said, warning me, and I go, Knox, nothing is going to happen—come on, you don’t do anything when someone does your hair and makeup: you just close your eyes and chill. When he finally left, I was just like, Mel, ohmygod, your dad, and she goes, Don’t get me started, so I didn’t.
Anyhow, I think it was really calming for her—it feels good, having someone do your makeup, brushing your hair. Kind of like a massage, and Melody has such beautiful skin, too. Porcelain, and she always says she has such white skin because she’s like human veal, ha, ha, ha, but that’s not it. They take her out more than I’m ever outside, trust me. No, she just had that really beautiful white, white skin. Her hair would be great, too, if you set it in rollers. So that’s what I decided to do, set her hair in rollers while I did her makeup.
Honestly, I couldn’t believe how beautiful she looked, so I took all these pictures. I wanted to put her in all these different outfits, too, and I did, but it was a lot of work. I almost broke a sweat, changing her, and I know it was hard for Mel, letting me do that, changing her clothes for her. It’s this horrible thought that she’s a burden, and it passes through me, this jolt, when her muscles tense, like she’s trying to protect herself, but she can’t. And when I feel her body do that, I see her again the way the rest of the world sees her, but still. That night, when I turned her around, in front of the mirror and I did the big reveal, she gasped, saying, Ohmygod, is that me? That’s you, I said, and for once, I knew how Cam felt, showing me that girl I didn’t see. And I wished so badly he was there, so I could tell him, but then I had to turn away, because my eyes got all teary.
Thee, I want to ask you something, Mel said, when I sat down again. I knew what she was going to say before she asked. And I knew there was no getting out of it, either. I tried to hide them, covering myself when I got undressed, but I knew she must have seen. And she knew, somehow she just knew, and I guess I just hoped she’d leave it alone, but no. How could you do that? she said, and I looked at my hands. How can you take a razor and do that to yourself? That’s the thing, I said. It won’t make sense to you, because the same force you feel not to do that to yourself, whatever that instinct is, self-preservation, whatever, I felt the opposite pull to do it. I had to do it: it wasn’t a choice anymore than breathing. Sometimes I didn’t even want to do it, but I had to. Did you ever ask for help? And I knew she didn’t mean to sound so snotty, I know, but she did.
Look, Mel, you got your bad wiring; I got mine. I mean, why do you think we’re so different? Because I would never do that to myself, she said, and I said, How can you know that, Mel? Seriously, I’m not asking you to understand, but I am asking you not to judge me. She goes, I don’t judge you, Thea, and I go, Well, you should hear yourself in my head. I’m just telling you how I feel, she said. Thinking of you doing that to yourself, it hurts. That’s what I’m trying to say, she said, and I go, You don’t understand, and she goes, No, I don’t, so tell me.
I just sighed, so not wanting to get into it, but needing to, at the same time. I said, It’s just this, this pressure that used to build. At first, it feels annoying, like you have a splinter, and you want to take it out—drives you crazy, and you have to get it out. Except that the splinter starts getting bigger, all this pressure starts building, and it’s like you feel it right beneath the skin, but it won’t come out on its own. I never know where I’ll feel it, because sometimes it’s my thigh, or sometimes it’s my arm, but it’s this huge piece of glass, and I have to cut it out or I feel like I’ll lose my mind. It’s so crazy-making, and all I care about is making the cut so my head doesn’t explode, I said. I stopped talking, and I shivered—just talking about it, telling her even that much, I could feel it closing in again, and it scared me.
Thea, she said, and I knew she was about to say something I’d never be able to escape. And then she did; she said: Promise me you won’t do that anymore? All I could do was let out this big sigh, hearing those words, her voice in my mind. Because it doesn’t work like that. You can’t ask someone to do something for you that… I don’t know, it doesn’t work like that or everyone could just make a promise not to hurt themselves or others. But who in this whole world can make that promise? I was about to argue, but she didn’t care. Promise me, she said.
I’ve never wanted to be so honest with anyone. Like even more than Cam in a way, because I never felt like I had to protect him—not when we were together, at least. But with Mel, it’s different. She’s the last person in the world I ever want to hurt, you know? But I had this terrible feeling she’d be the person I hurt the most, the worst. I didn’t know how or why, except that it’s just—me. That’s just me.
I can’t even explain what I saw, looking at her then. I reached for my camera and I focused, taking a picture of her, in profile. Her perfect little nose, her beautiful white skin, hair all curled and her lashes curled and lips glossed. She looked like a girl getting ready for a big date on Friday night. What could I do? I promise, Mel, I said, putting my camera down for a second, sure I got the shot. Thank you, she said. Now show me, she said, her voice changing, sounding excited, wanting me to show her the pictures I’d just taken.
I think she knows now. I mean, when I showed her some of the pictures I took of us, Mel couldn’t even believe it. She didn’t say anything, looking at them, but I knew. I mean, I knew it was a lot for her to take it, a lot of thinking was changing, seeing herself so differently, and she does the same for me, too. Honestly, Mel showed me things about myself even Cam had never seen. Like just because you make some mistakes… I mean, even really bad mistakes, and you hurt so many people, being stupid, that doesn’t mean you can’t make it right, do good—change, even. Then she goes, Thee, I’m tired of all this hiding, all the secrets. I want my mom to know—we aren’t doing anything wrong, and I don’t want to hide anymore. I thought about it, and I go, I don’t blame her, really,
for wanting you to stay away from me, my life, and Mel said, I do. I blame her every day.
I said, Mel, you have no idea, and she goes, I have no idea? You’re wrong: I have a very good idea, and when do I get to have a life, too? A few hours every week, don’t I deserve that much? I said, Mel, of course you do, and she goes, I want to talk to my dad, when he gets home. Tonight, she said. I go, All right. But you know what he’s going to say, and she said, I do. But he has no idea what I’m going to say, does he? I go, What are you going to say, Mel? She said, That he has to tell my mom about you, everything. She was so serious, I took a deep breath. Then I said, I know what you’re saying, but I don’t know that it’s that simple. I disagree, she said. If he wants to live a lie, that’s his decision, but he has no right to make that choice for me. I knew what she was saying, and she was braver than me and Knox combined. That’s when I realized that I needed Mel much more than she needed me. Then she goes, So are we going to talk to him or not? All right, I said, let’s get ready.
So I set her up in the living room, and we took our positions, waiting for Knox to get home. We almost look like twins, don’t we? she said, and I had to laugh. We’d taken one shot in these matching dresses, and I did our hair the same, sort of. Mel’s hair is a lot longer, but we looked identical. We are twins, I said, meaning our birthday. Mel and I have the same birthday, and we were even born the same hour—crazy, huh? Then she goes, Hey, Thee? What should we do for our birthday? Funny, because I’d been thinking about that, too, and then someone knocked on the front door, and I looked at Mel, and she looked at me, and then I thought maybe Knox couldn’t find his keys, so I walked to the door and opened it. Then my mouth fell open, seeing him, standing there: Foley. It was Foley.
Strange thing is, he didn’t seem at all surprised to see me there, much less all dressed up. Foley smiles and he goes, Hello, Theadora. What a surprise, he said. Who is it? Melody asked, but I didn’t answer. I just looked at Foley, but I couldn’t tell if he heard her or not. Is Detective Knox here? he said, and I go, No, grabbing the door so I’d have something to hold on to more than anything. And he looked like he was about to ask what I was doing at Knox’s house, but he didn’t. He goes, Oh, I see. Do you know when he’ll be home? I go, I don’t know when, and he said, Are you here alone, then? looking around me, into the living room, and I stepped to the side, so he couldn’t see Mel.
Just then, Mel called my name, Thee? Who is it? And then Foley leaned to his side, talking around me, and he said, Just me—Agent Foley, and I had to clench my jaw so hard to keep it from falling. He heard her—I swear Foley heard Mel speaking to me. Did you say something, Theadora? he asked, smiling like we had some inside joke, and I shook my head—too fast, I started shaking my head too fast. I didn’t say anything, I said, and he smiled, Sorry, I thought I heard something. Well, anyhow, you should call him, I said, and Foley goes, Thank you, I’ll do that, smiling his special pervy smile, and then I closed the door, right in his face. Thea? Thee, who is it? Mel asked, and I just stood there, staring at the door, knowing he hadn’t moved, either.
After I closed the door, when I walked back into the living room, I felt so dirty, I wanted to take a shower. I really did. And I wasn’t sure, but I’m pretty sure he saw Mel, because you can see from the door into the living room, and I had her seated, situated on their couch so she’d be the first thing Knox saw, when he walked in the door. Knox got home literally, like, one minute after Foley left. He pulled in the drive, walked straight across the path, and opened the front door. One look and he knew something was wrong. What’s wrong? What happened? he said, following me into the living room. He balked, seeing Melody, and then he held up his finger, like we’ll get to you in a second, and he waited for me to say something, make sense of whatever was going on. Tell me what’s going on, Thea, he said, and I go, Someone came to the door, so I answered.
Here? he said, and I said, Yes. I thought it was you, I said, and then I felt bad, because you should always ask before opening the door. I knew that; everyone knows that. He could trust me, alone, with his daughter, you know? At least when it came to answering doors. Just not tonight, maybe, and he goes, Who was it? And I winced, and then I told him: Foley, I said. He knew before, though, like the second before, Knox saw it. What did he want? he said, setting down his keys. He had a file in his hand, I said, putting it together. He was going to deliver my medical file to Knox.
Knox was frowning, and he goes, Did he say anything? I go, No, he asked for you, and Knox goes, What did you tell him? I go, I told him you were out, and he should call you, I said. That’s all? Knox said, and I go, That’s all I told him, Knox, yes, and it wasn’t right, both of us knew something wasn’t right. And then Mel goes, What’s going on? Would someone please tell me what’s going on? I didn’t even have a chance to tell her before Knox walked in, and part of me didn’t want Mel to know. Please tell me what’s going on, she said, and Knox could tell she was talking to me. Mel, I don’t know, I said. I don’t know what’s going on, except that Special Agent Foley decided to pay your dad a house call, and he had a folder in his hands. All right, Knox said, sighing. He didn’t know what to do, but he didn’t want to talk about it either.
Thee, let’s talk to him now, Mel said, acting like this was our golden opportunity. I need to take a bath, I said. I’m not kidding: I feel so gross, you have no idea—. Whoa, whoa, whoa… back up. First of all, Knox said, and then Mel said, We have to tell him now. It’s the perfect time, Thee—. First of all, Knox said, what’s with all this makeup on Melody’s face? Ohmygod, Dad, Mel said. You aren’t really going to start in because I’m wearing makeup? He goes, Thea, you didn’t tell me you were going to paint—. You have got to be kidding me, Mel said. Stop, I said. Paint her face like that, he said. Is that your idea of a compliment, Dad? she said, and I couldn’t take it anymore: Stop! I said, stop, both of you. Quiet—would you be quiet? I need to think, I said, and believe it or not, they shut up. They both shut up, and they looked at me, waiting.
I took a deep breath and said, Knox, Mel wants to have a talk—she wants you to have a talk with Heather, tell her Mel and I are friends. She also invited me to spend the night. Is that cool? I said. Tell him we can have the talk or he can just say yes, Mel said. I raised my right hand: Talk with Heather or sleepover, which would you rather have? Knox made this little huff, puffing his lips, knowing it was two against one, and then he said, When you put it that way, I’d rather we all went to bed.
So we took Mel upstairs, and I helped her get dressed for bed, and then I left them alone for a moment, waiting outside her room. Get some sleep, girls, Knox said, stepping out of the room. I got in bed, and I was so careful, lying down beside Mel, and I pulled the covers up, tucking them in around her body. Good night, I said, looking at her, and she goes, Hey, Thee? I sat up, so she could see me, and she said, I’ve decided I’m going to get my hair cut. For my birthday—for our birthday. I could tell she was serious, too, so I go, Then do it, and she goes, I will. You’ll see, Thee: I’m not afraid of what my parents will do. I said, I know you aren’t afraid—you’re the bravest person I know. Are you just saying that? she asked, and I said, No. I mean it. Now go to sleep, I said, giving her a kiss on each cheek, lying down beside her.
I shut my eyes, and then she said, Hey, Thee… you know you never really talk about him, and of course I knew what she was saying. Really? Maybe because I’m always thinking about him, I feel like I talk about him all the time, even if I’m not saying it out loud, I said. Mel didn’t ask, but I told her, the only person I’ve ever told. I said, The last thing Cam said to me, he was leaving my house, and he asked me the craziest question. He said, What if God was a teenage girl?
Mel balked, then turned to look at me, almost squinting. She said, Literally, you mean? Like, what, like, And on the seventh day, teenage girl God created the shopping mall? I smiled and my head fell back, shaking, because Mel’s dying to go to a shopping mall, and I told her she’s not missing anything, but she sa
id she doesn’t care, so I promised her we’d go sometime. I said, Honestly, I don’t have a clue what he was talking about—that’s just Cam. He had all sorts of crazy questions, crazy ideas—everyone thinks I’m so crazy and he’s so sane, right, and they’ve got it all wrong, I said. Has, Mel said, quietly. Sorry? I said, looking up. He has all sorts of crazy ideas, she said, smiling. Has, I said.
Anyhow, I have no idea what he meant, but that question keeps coming back to me, I said. Like he was trying to tell me something, you know? Yeah, well, that’s kind of big, whatever it was he was trying to tell you, she said, and I just had to laugh. Kinda, yeah, I said. You want to hear something else he taught me? I said, propping myself up on my elbow. And Mel said, Tell me, and I said, You know what the Butterfly Effect is, how, like if a butterfly flaps its wings in Japan, it can start a hurricane in Kansas or whatever? Um, not really… And I said, Anyhow, Cam used to say the same thing about butterfly kisses. He called it the Butterfly Kisses Effect, that you couldn’t possibly know the magnitude of a single action. Watch, I said, and then I leaned over her, giving her butterfly kisses until she squealed. Now go to sleep, I said, resting my head on my pillow, waiting for her to close her eyes.
After she fell asleep, I decided I better get up to pee, so I wouldn’t wake her in the middle of the night. Knox heard me, walking out of the bathroom, and he called up to me: Thea? Yes? I whispered, peeking down the stairs, and he nodded his head, wanting me to see something in the living room, and to be quiet about it. So I walked down, and before I could ask, Knox cocked his head across the room, holding the remote control in his hand. I was watching the news, he said, and there’s something you should see, Thea. My first thought was, Ohmygod, they can’t show porn on the eleven o’clock news, can they? And then he hit play, and the news segment started. It was footage taken at night, an aerial view, and it took a few seconds to come into view, the reporters talking about some private jet that had recorded a most unusual sight in the quiet town of Fort Marshall, which had been experiencing some rather bizarre events recently, and then they flashed back to a clip of the tire tracks that ended in the middle of an endless field.
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