by Smith, T. L
I get home from work and go to look for Josh in the kitchen where he usually is cooking us dinner. I don’t find him there so I go on a search. I look out the back, the bathroom, then finally the bedroom. I find Josh on the bed not breathing. I immediately run over to him and start CPR while screaming at him to wake up. I finally remember to call 000 and tell them the address before I hang up. I look back over to Josh. He is so peaceful lying there. I don’t know what else to do. They told me not to him and to leave the room and wait for the paramedics, but I can’t leave him.
I stand next to him and get one last whiff of his heavenly scent. I can’t help it; I need to be with him. I climb up and wrap myself around him. My mind is racing a hundred miles per hour, and I can’t seem to get it to turn it off. Something in my chest hurts and I feel like I might explode.
Strangely, a song begins screaming in my head. I lie next to him an start singing. “Say something or I’m giving up on you,” I sing the chorus. I eventually fall asleep with the song in my ears and my face covered in tears.
I wake with someone nudging me. I feel myself being picked up. I look around the room and notice the house is full. Josh’s parents are here crying, and so is Lola. I’m wondering how they all knew. I haven’t called anyone. The last thing I remember is smelling Josh and curling up to him, singing to him.
Lola is trying to talk to me, but I don’t listen. I just remain in my own world, rocking back and forth, not understanding what the hell is going on. He just asked me to marry him and now he is …. God, I can’t even say it.
By the time they take Josh’s body away, a few people from his shop have come over along with a few of our friends. They’re all patting me and trying to make sure I’m okay, but again, I just block them out. I just want to wake up from this awful dream and go back to normal.
I wake with a start. I’m on our bed. Instantly, I smell him. I look up at Lola with hopeful eyes. She just shakes her head at me. She tries to get me to eat or drink, but I just want to sleep.
I stay in our bed for a whole week and don’t leave it. His smell is everywhere, and if I leave it will all be real. I don’t even go to his funeral. Everyone tried to convince me, but I just couldn’t do it. They all came here after to force me to interact and feed myself. But after I see everyone, I head straight back to the bedroom. I fall back asleep again, but I’m woken by another soft shake. I look up and see Josh’s dad staring down at me.
“I told him to tell you,” he says, shaking his head. I can see he is trying to hold it together. I wish I was as strong as him, but I’m not. I just want to sleep forever.
“But he said you made him feel alive, and he didn’t want this hanging over your heads. He said now that he had you back, there was no way he was gonna hurt you again. So anyway, he wrote this for you and asked me to give it to you.”
He gets up and walks away. I throw the letter across the room. That’s the last thing I want to see, an ‘I’m sorry’ letter. It hurts seeing Josh’s dad. He reminds me so much of Josh that the ache in my chest pounds when he walks out the door. I have flashbacks all night of how my mother was. How desperate she was to be loved. She would even hurt her own family in the process.
It’s been six months now since Josh left me. And not a day goes by I don’t think of him. I see him everywhere I look, and I hate it. I hate that he never told me he had leukemia. I hate that he kept that a secret. But most of all, I hate that he made me love him. I never wanted love, but he made me love him. That’s the thing I hate most about him.
I couldn’t stand to stay in that house any longer because it was a constant reminder of him. I haven’t touched a single thing in the house. I just grabbed my necessities, left, and never looked back. I rented a small apartment and went back to work a week after it all happened. Everyone questioned me on that decision, but I knew I needed to get back in my normal routine. Lying around the house sulking ain’t going to help.
Josh’s parents stop by and see me sometimes, but never stay for long. I can’t imagine how they’re handling having lost their son, especially after fighting so hard to get him. They treat me like I’m theirs and I’m very thankful for them.
I’m just getting out of the shower after a long day at work, and there is a knock at the door. I grab the nearest dress to me and pull it on before answering the door. I feel the wind get knocked out of my body as I stare at him. He hasn’t changed a bit. He is still gorgeous and his eyes still captivate me. They are burning into mine like he is waiting for me to say something. I guess he finally gets that I’m not talking, and takes the lead. He steps closer and I can smell him. He smells freshly showered and it’s so refreshing.
“Sasha,” he says my name, so simple, but I just break down.
This man could have had my heart; it would have been safe with him. He was always good to me, showed me so much kindness and understanding. But seeing him hurts too much as well. I’m at a loss for words. Finally, I look up at him and say his name, “Brax.”
Thank you for reading Sasha’s Dilemma!
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Acknowledgements
Where to start? There are so many people I would love to thank, so forgive me if I don’t get you all in.
First, my beautiful friend Steph. Well, I did it! Can you believe it? We started chatting with our love for books and then one day I said “stuff it. I’m gonna write my own.” Thank you for coming up with Lola. I know you love her just as much as I do, and you were my inspiration. May our friendship last till we’re old and still bitching about books. Lol.
Thanks to all my girlfriends for your support as well, and my beautiful family for giving me the time to write and helping me around the house because I wouldn’t move to do it. Hee…hee. Thanks KL for your witty text msgs and all your help you gave me. I’ll love you in this life and the next I’m sure of it.
A huge thanks to my beautiful editing team. I’m sure they know now I’m an impatient person and I apologise for that, because youse did a bloody fantastic job. I especially loved reading Virginia’s comments, some of them I laughed out loud. And Becky, you are such are beautiful woman and always quick on replies, which is a huge bonus for me.
My cover design, done by Kari, you are such a welcoming and sweet person to talk to. I will be recommending everyone to you, you brilliant woman.